Joel

Shallow

2010-05-05T06:50:00.001-07:00

I'm slightly sick of writing these shallow stuff -

I want to tackle some issue from a Biblical perspective honestly.

I'm sick of coming up with the whole seeker-friendly thing, and coming with let-me-pretend-i-don't-know-the-answer stuff.

The ridiculous balance

2010-04-28T18:32:00.000-07:00

Work has been taking too much of my time, bust since I'm on MC, i've got a little to spare.

In life, consciously and subconsciouly lots of people seek a balance in life:

The right proportion for work or studies,
The just right amount of time you spend with friends
The right amout to distribute to your hobbies
The right amount for this and that

Hopefully, after spending their time, finances, and affections in some near-right proportion, they will stumble upon the recipe for success and happiness. While some do it consciously - especially those who lack time, most people do it subconsciously.

In search for the divine balance where the good life is hidden

Much more could be say about the good life - the good good eternal life that is full of joy, goodness, and a whole new taste for uprightness and be able to live in such a world...

Much more could be said about that, but what I want to point out here is just that:
"If you are a normal human being like me, you probably won't get the divine balance"

Most of the time, people don't expect to reach the best brew for life. They just hope to "aim for the moon, and even if you miss, you will land among the stars" sort of thing. While that might sound like a good way to think about life - at least experience tell you otherwise.

There have been too many so-called "successful" people in the corporate world who try to juggle severything. The classic example is super-mom. High up in the corporate world and trying to care for her 2 children and at the same time having tea parties to attend to.

The thing is this: super-mom model Angelina Jolie herself is not juggling it well. She has more fame, more kids, and more many things. Now, some of you might think, if I had half of her kids, half of her money, and half of her causes to fight for, then I should be able to juggle it well.

This might need more convincing, but that while limited resources is an issue, diverse affections is probably the main reason this can't be done. People want to be passionate about things, and the more important you get in the eyes of the world (and of yourself), the more significant you want your role to be in the life and activity of many things. However, as an average human being ( and for argument's sake lets assume you are as good as Angelina), you still can't balance everything out.

What I am trying to get here is that the thinking of "divine balance" is not the best way to proceed in life. There are too many unknowns. What you know is that you are searching for this thing called "happiness", and you would understand happiness to be a combination of different things in particular proportions in life.

A much better way to organise life is to think in terms of priorities.
If you have been around the web long enough reading forwarded emails, then you probably heard of the professor who took a big glass jar into class. He then filled it up with big stones, then smaller ones, then pebbles, and then finally sand. He then explained that our life is like the empty jar, we can't fill everything in, but let us make sure the big things in life are in first, then the lesser ones. It is alright if not all the sand that you have (menial things) gets in to the jug, you have tried your best, and at least the big things are in already.

I'm aware that actually many people think in terms of priorities instead of a chasing of the divine balance. the problem of chasing for the divine balance is the rich man's problem. It is always the rich man's problem.

When you start getting successful and rich, you start to think that you have a bigger jar in life. Since you have a bigger jar, you might just be able to fit almost everything in that jar - so you think that you are the group of people (consciously or subconsciously) who can play the game of life by a different set of rules. You think you have risen above the average and you pat yourself on the back for being so smart for so long - and suddenly on your deathbed (hopefully earlier than that) you realize that you have been an idiot for the past few decades.

There are other reasons that contribute to this stupidity too. If you do get there, you might one day think "I have put all my big stones in the jar first, and followed the whole big to small principle, but my life is still so miserable". Good - you have reached a dead end. Many people don't get there, instead, they just get trapped at either divine balance or mere priority principle.

The most obvious ones are to think that the big stones are work and significance in life.when that becomes the big stones, the things that ought not to be big stones have taken the place of them and your jar has now 50% less space which should take much less space.

Motivational seminars normally just tell you up to the point of: Write down the "big stones" in your life according to you.

Nobody really tells you what the big stones ought to be. And the way people live is an epitome to the fact that work and fame is the biggest stone in life. Now, you might disagree with my evaluation of society's biggest stones - but it does remain that these 2 plays a big big role.

1. What you could work out from here is to find out "what are the REAL biggest stones?"

2. Work out the method by which you will find that out - trial and error? most people spend a lifetime to work these things out, and most don't get there finally. Or at least, on their deathbed, they replace "work" with "family", then they die after 4 months of realizing that - which is still an unproven theory in their mind.

3. If you fancy this, then work out the various expressions people have in trying to go with the priority principle method to life, or divine balance, or a mix of both, or work out other alternatives in which people try to organise their lives. What is the underlying worldview or philosophy that is cuasing them to live like that. Is it hedonism, or is it something else?

Black, White, and Grey Issues

2009-12-10T09:15:00.000-08:00

One of the not so smart things one can do - is to blog about an argument/discussion they had with another person - and rewrite the story in such a way to justify themselves and prove themselves to be the victor.

well, as I was arguing/discussing with some friends of friend just now, some things came to my mind.

How controversial do you allow yourself to speak? If you know it your heart what the truth is, but speak with some sort of mystery - or maybe not mystery - but leaving loopholes where people can misinterpret what you speak, is it still "the way to go"?

How clear do you have to be in what you say - so that people will learn something?

How far do you go in staying patient like a teacher , and gentle - and when do you start arguing like you are talking to some heretic (though he is not)?

To determine this, is it a matter of wisdom, or is it a matter of personality - or most probably a mixture of both - and how much of each to what extent?

Can I take Jesus as an example? He did say many enigmatic things and most times quite controversial. Reading through the gospels once isn't quite gonna be as fruitful as reading it through several times, going through the concordance, reading commentaries, etc.

Should one speak controversial things and think "Even Jesus speak controversial and sometimes unclear things. The righteous will interpret it to correct way, and the wicked will always twist the clearest word for evil purposes".

Can the source of confusion be amoral? Surely we know how any law or command can be blindly taken and obeyed as a form of legalism - or twisted into some form of licentiousness. But the confusion can definitely be amoral right? And to what extent?

Am I to keep thinking of everything going on a case by case basis? Isn't there a simple rule to follow? In trying to follow a simple rule - am I being lazy and choosing not to think, or am I simply not trusting in my judgements as to whether I will make the best decision?

How do I draw the line of "I have said what I need to say, it is up to you to take it whichever way you want" while keeping a clear conscience that I have tried my best? Perhaps trying my best was actually to stay on for another hour to persuade the person to see what I see, or see what I think they don't see.

All in all, truth is not relative. I need to figure out some way to convey these words plainly, without making it overscholarly such that simpler minds think I am being cunning, but yet I am being true to my word. I can perhaps understand how you can do that when you have an hour to yourself to explain everything, but in debates/discussions/arguments where there are lots of misinterpretations before everyone gets what everyone else is trying to get at - how do you exercise this?

By raising these many questions - am I already giving the reader and impression that this is a highly complex issue and there is probably no way out. I do not doubt that some will think "Gah, this is too much for my brain in the morning/afternoon/night" or " God will handel it" or "Don't know, don't care" - but I want to find it out. But I am also thinking of the possibility that maybe "don't know, don't care" may have been just the correct approach - because at the end of the day, there are so many unknowns and variables which is hard to determine.

I am trying to work towards something. But it doesn't look like I am getting there. Many questions might be a good way to start and investigation - but not a good way to make conclusions.

Should I just pray to God and say "Thank you God, teach me patience and teach me love" after thinking that whoever I was talking to didn't get the main point... or do I keep searching and look for the "killer argument" and start replaying scenes again, and thinking how I could have said certain things in certain ways such that they would be totally convinced?

This is how arguments normally ends "one/both party(ies) think that the other never did got the point no matter how much they said they got the point" - and in the name of diplomacy say things like "that was a great opinion you have" - which could be taken as:

1) Being courteous - the truth is I think that you are the stupidest person to have thought of such a stupid idea like that
2) Being courteous - I'm not smart enough to judge which is right, but whatever you said sounded plausible
3)Not being courteous - That was so totally WRONG

well, there is probably option 4), 5), 6) - I couldn't care less about them. You see, for all I know - somebody couldn't care less about whatever I just typed - to them, harmony, peace, friendship, nice feelings, enjoyment is all that counts - if they had to choose between truth and all these - they would go for "all these" - for truth to them is defined as "all these".

It is hard to convince another person of what truth is. A famous quote from Thomas Cranmer:

"What the heart loves, the will chooses, the mind justifies"

Modern science that goes on evidence and empirical reasoning would like to believe in the reverse:

"What the mind justifies, the will chooses, the heart loves" -
which sounds like something you get from Tony Robbins if you get what I mean.

How true is Thomas Cranmer's statement? Which was why I was just thinking, could the confusion be amoral? But a slightly clearer question is - regarding a moral issue:

Could confusion spring from amoral motivations? Or the wicked heart is always destined to justify error as truth? the righteous will then always make the right decision?

Doesn't this model look over simplistic such that it doesn't deal justly with the subject? They say "the heart of the matter is the matter of the heart" - how much exceptions should I make for others and myself when I try to justify certain moral actions. Surely I should not degrade to some " God will prove me right during judgement day " sort of stupidity/arrogance? But what if time is the only thing that will tell?

What happened to trusting God to do His very special work in the hearts of men? What about confidence in what Scripture declares? Interpretation? Now that I suddenly thought of it, I might as well promote FWC here.

FWC 2010 Gospel and Interpretation

Sometimes, you want to do more good than harm - and you think you stand your ground and do the right thing. In the end of 70 years before you die, you realise that there are bad consequences which make you think that your initially taking a certain stand should have been different. But as you muse on whether you will/will not regret in 70 years time - you imagine the possibilities that your stand would have proven itself right in 500 years -

"the man who stood for the right things - who for a short while produced horrible consequences, but bore fruit for the next whole millenium"

What I think I can do - is to see and count as far as I can go - and utilize well what I know and have been entrusted - as to 100 years later - God knows:

Let the future worry for itself. For I am a mere man.

ps. Just so you know - I don't believe in grey. It is either black or white. Determining something as grey due to our ignorance is an act of arrogance (in believing that we have such foresight and intelligence to make judgements on things we are unsure of)

Dad, Calvary Church, Skepticism, Toiletries and a Break

2009-11-18T15:31:00.000-08:00

Coming back to Malaysia, one of my main priorities is my dad. He should be retiring by now, but he loves his work and he loves to go around - so he is still working. He has yet to believe in Jesus, and I am concerned about him.

Spending time with my dad is good. It helps me see why I am who I am today.

Why do I speak the way I do?
Why do I question things the way I do?
What things to I get offended by?

I never realised how similar I am to my dad, though quite different. He bases his trust on himself mostly, he is more self-made. I trust in Jesus, though in a worldly point of view, I "technically" worked to where I am today. But the style we approach issues are so similar.

Last night, we had dinner outside - and suddenly, I found out that my dad quit smoking. As far as I know, he has been smoking for more than 40 years. An asthma attack during work (in some dusty construction place) made him sick of the place. It was bad enough that he stayed home for 2 weeks without going for work. And SUDDENLY, keyword SUDDENLY, he said he doesn't want to smoke. Naturally, I think this is a result of the asthma. But when I ask him, it isn't really about the asthma. It was not something that he actually decided by willpower. It was just

"I woke up one day, and smoking isn't the thing for me - it suddenly causes uneasiness in my throat"

I like the sound of these things. He still drinks though. But whatever, I like my dad drinking. I think he talks more when he drinks and it helps me bond with him. Coming home this time, I bought my parents a pair of iPod shuffle. Sitting down and just help my parents get more used to technology is pretty fun. It warms my heart to know that they are willing to learn. Definitely, I do not want to be in a position of "teaching my parents" in the arrogant sense.

During dinner last night, our family was suddenly talking about masseurs, reflexology, and how everybody seems to be in the business. So many practitioners who probably have no proper training seem to just print that "foot chart" off google images and start opening their own practice.

My dad was saying things along:

"I trust the technology. I don't doubt that these things can work and are probably scientific.... But IT'S THE BUGGER I DON'T TRUST"

He went on talking about how some of the people who seem to take pictures with important "datuk's" to back their claim of almost miraculous healing powers are all a joke - cos they were actuallly just demonstrating some techniques to them, and wasn't curing anything particular anyway.

Then he quoted the day's newspaper about Calvary Church. Apparently, the Senior Pastor is accused of "mismanagement of funds". The STAR article can be found here. He said this because he was talking about how American Reverends seem to come to Malaysia, to stadium negara, and pray for people and they get miraculously healed. I remember Josh saying, if they can really do that:

"Go to the hospital"

Well, Josh was a doctor.

Anyways, the whole chat over the dinner continued to be filled with more and more skepticism. And since Calvary Church was on the newspaper that day because of these issues - there was lots of "I'm not quite sure about these super respected pastors anymore". It is understandable, Calvary Church is probably the BIGGEST Megachurch in Malaysia and highly influential.

My mind was thinking of how to answer my dad during dinner. No, I had no intention of defending Calvary Church, or Prince Guneratnam. I was just thinking how to give them another strike. I was thinking how can I discredit the prosperity gospel more? How can I affirm that my dad's skepticism is valid?

At this point, it is important that I clarify a few things. One of the things that I learnt from my dad is "how to argue". Don't make mistakes, because once you do, my dad will remind you how you have made the mistake not only this time he caught you, but also last week/month/year. If he has reminded you of the issue more than a few times, then he would have "told you SO MANY TIMES", such that "are you stupid or what?"

That may sound like unfair argument tactics. Most of us would think it as "forgetfulness". But I know it is laziness. My dad is a very gracious person, but he isn't gracious when he is scolding you. He doesn't correct a mistake per se, he tells you things about your character. Sometimes it is true, sometimes it is exaggerated, but nonetheless, I learnt from him how to phrase arguments in a way that make people feel guilty.

This is the thing I learnt from him. Feel guilty or not, doesn't matter - It is better that you feel guilty, then you will do something about it. In our polite society, we tend to be courteous in a bad way such that if there was something to be corrected - we do it so politely that it is almost our fault to mention that somebody has a fault. He is a polite and friendly man to his friends, but if you are wrong, YOU ARE WRONG.

I love my dad. If there is one thing I learn from him, it is integrity. I'm not saying that he doesn't bribe policemen. Thats a different thing. But he doesn't pretend to be nice, he hates hypocrisy not the way the general public do. He has a dislikes it in a vocal way.

He was just talking about policemen stopping him for traffic offence. He knows what they want. They know what he wants. We all want less trouble, and he doesn't mind paying RM50 so that he doesn't need to pay RM300. The problem is the policeman starts lecturing my dad.

"Ini susah tahu, you lepas lampu merah, sangat bahaya tahu... hari itu, ada satu kes sama, kes serious... ..."

In my dad's heart: "Eh... Shaaddup la, tell me how much you want"

Because, truly enough, after a few moments, the question is : "So, sekarang macam mana?"

Pay RM50, then the policeman pretends to write something and sends you off.

The thing is this, my dad doesn't mind the question "So macam mana nak settle?" He just hates the drama that goes before it. Firstly, it wastes his time. Secondly, please stop bullshitting me and get to the point. Being pretentious is just "yuck". Being raised up by my father, my brother and I hates pretense with a passion.

Skepticism is also one thing I learnt from my father. Because of the "don't tell me cock and bull stories please" attitude,I have learnt to question things naturally. Mix it all up together
1.hating pretense,
2.skepticism,
3. and making sure you get it if I catch you making a mistake)

Its such a beautiful combination. In my dad's mind, it is often "This people are so stupid and gullible, they haven't fallen for another "conman-who-promises-you-a-million-dollars-if-you-only-give-him-100,000" trick". The whole "everybody is so stupid" thing, yes, I caught it from my dad. Now, my dad isn't claiming to be extra smart, but he does have a point how people can be so stupid.

Reading the Bible, it has given me a framework WHY people can behave in such illogical ways. Of course, I do stupid stuff at many times. I get scolded by my dad often enough to know it. And hey, I think I turned out quite good. I sort of consider myself as a product of "good upbringing".

Now at this point of time, i know you the reader might think of issues like self-righteousness, and how arrogant I am to say things the way I do. Well, it is hard to convince you I am not trying to say things that way. Another thing I caught from my dad is "don't explain yourself". It is like the guy who - the more he defends himself, the more you suspect that he is in the wrong. My dad's integrity is good enough for you to trust that his intentions are good. If you doubt it, he doesn't need to explain it - it is your fault.

Now, my dad is not Christian, but there are many aspects of God that I learn from my dad. I learn things like how "His Word is good enough". If I give you my word, that is as good as done. I learn from my dad the value of a good name. I learn from my dad to hate pretense. I deduce that being honest, and sometimes blunt with a person is the way to respect another person. I learnt from my dad to "get to the point".

As I was chatting with my dad last night. I also realised that he starts repeating himself more. Is it a sign of aging? i.e. he forgets what he says. Maybe, I hope not. My dad has a good mind and I wish that he stays alert for a much longer period.

From what I caught from him, I think he wants to make himself very clear. And he has an assumption of people "not getting the point" or "not understanding what he is saying". Perhaps it is also that he wants to make his stand VERY CLEAR. Ambiguity is not his thing. The reason I guess this is because... I do that. I repeat things. I repeat because I think most people don't get what I am trying to say. I don't want you to ever tell me "I didn't know" after I told you something a million times.

Of all these things I have learnt from my dad, I only hope that he will apply his skepticism to look at the Bible. To know that the truth of God is so good that it is bulletproof. To see God's integrity. Sometimes, I hate all these politeness is because that there has been too many pretentious who has given politeness a bad name. Being polite has such a negative connotation to it, it no longer works in helping people see the truth. My dad is so skeptical of Christianity. I understand that yes, it is human to reject God. But I think that people are making rejecting God easier. But well, I do look forward to the day when my dad becomes Christian.

One of the things I learnt in all these is that I caught more from my dad than what I learn (if you get what I mean). I just never thought the influence would be so significant. This is how you know i'm his son. I'm just thinking of how this works out in the case where God is my Father. Ideas about "rubbing it (attitudes, convictions,etc) off God". But yeah, if anybody out there wonders where I get my passion and character from, it is the providence of God to put make me the son of my father. From God, I get the sanctified version of it. I think I'm starting to understand more what Jesus was saying when he was telling the Pharisees "Your father is the devil". I think, in some way, my father helped me love Jesus. That Jesus Guy is just so ... STRONG. "Your father is the devil". That sort of bold God-talk, boils my blood and send chills down my spine.

Anyway, on toiletries. I bought so much of them yesterday. I want to have a "good first impression". I was just looking through the "body sprays" section. I saw deodarant + perfume. Then I remembered Mitchell telling me what "for men" means. I think it is something about some special scent to attract the opposite sex - like we are some animals and we can use scents to psychologically trick them to believe that we are more manly than we really are.

As I thought about it, I couldn't help giggling. Its just so funny, cos I'm thinking "heheheh, I'm gonna buy one! I'm gonna buy one!" I bought breath sprays, shoe deodorizer, listerine,shampoo, body shampoo, facial cleanser, shaver.

As I was browsing, I saw "lubricant". I looked around, then I saw condoms. I was giggling again - no, its not because I'm getting it. Its just the kind of primary school joke - like how we laughed at "sifat sifat manusia". If you don't get the joke, ask a Malaysian cantonese friend. So I'm thinking...

Lubricants! ahhahahah....
Condom!.... ahahhaha!
Just shoot.. hahahaha.... watermelon flavour.... really???

Somehow, I don't know why, I forgot to buy the body spray. I will surely get it someday. Never used these stuff before.

Ah! I have a short break ahead of me, I better use my time wisely - and not degrade to a loaf of bread who plays computer games day and night.

500 days of summer

2009-10-12T17:27:00.000-07:00

This is a different kind of movie review. It only makes sense if you watched it already. More like an interpretation of the movie. I wont go through the whole story line, but to just highlight somethings. Of course, I am not the authour, so I might just misrepresent him by over-reading into it. and I probably don't mind somebody tellng me what I interpreted is wrong.

Things that I will attempt to explain are:

The ordering of days, why isn't it the traditional movie that follows proper chronology, or just the good ol' flashback - instead it jumps all over the place
What and why Tom ( and Summer ) says what each of them say
What was Summer talking about when she sat on the bench with Tom and said things like "I just woke up and realize..." to which Tom gave a snort
The significance of them swapping views towards the end

First things first.

1) The ordering of days. I think this is a simple one, most people get it.

It is how we think.

Yes, thats the answer. When everything has happened, we think in frames like that. A sum of little events. We think " Ahh, I remember those good times... then I remembered how he did something totally different..." After a whole noon thinking that, we think of another event that happened between us and our loved one again, there is comparison and contrast in those different days. Remember the time in the movie where there was a split screen?

Reality and expectation? That is how we think - And each frame contributes to the story in a unique way. It also shows 2 things: The individual highs and lows of each event, but also if you notice, how things were actually progressing one by one - there was a point where it was just holding broken pieces together, and waiting, and waiting.

2) Remember the office happy night out thing?
McKenzie was a lil drunk, and asks Summers if she has a boyfriend? and further on, we also have a frame of Summers telling about all her ex-boyfriends?(plus that girlfriend)
Summers developed a view about the whole thing of "not going to fall in love", not being someone else's someone. And Tom was saying the total opposite. The deal is this: Summers is confused and she doesn't know what she is saying. She has a self protection kind of mentality to avoid the possible disasters that might come with it. Why own a pet dog to love it when it might possibly die and break your heart one day? DON'T OWN is the way out. A little bit of her - but not quite. Anyway, she wanted to believe that by just "being friends" with Tom would take away that problem. Ultimately, she wants the "gifts" that come with relationship, but would hope that she doesn't need to pay the "price" of commitment. More to comment on the whole "price" thing.

3)Tom wanted a label. Having a label is being someone's somebody. It is to be attached, your identity is defined no longer by simply who you are, but by your relationships. You are someone's father, someone's child, another person's wife, etc. This is what the world shouts at us, we just want to have casual sex, no commitments - "as long as it harms no one, do whatever you will". Of course, Tom gave in to Summers who didn't really know what she wanted. Or rather, what she wanted was a deep committed relationship, but she doesn't quite believe in the existence of it - so the next best thing is to have the perks of the relationship at least. Tom wasn't thinking initially about any deep long term relationship that has commitments to it - like a real marriage. All Tom wanted was Summers. Whatever Summers wanted, he wanted - because he just wanted Summers... even if it went against what he understood to be true.

Ahh, forget the numberings... it doesn't relate point to point anymore...

Anyways...

This is a situation. A man started out knowing what he wants. and a lady being hardened by her past - she kinda knows what she wants, but doubting the existence of it, she gets confused and does not know what she wants anymore.

Guy meets girl, got blown away. The "theory" he understood... he is willing to throw it away for the girl. At least for the moment. Maybe he thought "If only I gave her enough time, she might just change her mind, and decide that falling in love, committing to a marriage might be a good thing".

But over time, that understanding blurrs. Tom wanted some security. He clarified with Summers in the car. Summers diverted the question away. Tom gave in, he thinks things are still going okay. But deep inside Summers, things are not right. She faces a conflict. What she wants is a deep relationship that has commitment, she isn't quite aware of that in her mind... to her it is illogical.

Now, this is the part where the bench thing is explained.

Summers woke up one fine day, and realised that what she couldn't get from Tom is exactly what she believed didn't exist. Suddenly, she believes that it existed. Tom could not give her the security that comes with a long term relationship. It makes no sense to Tom.

Tom was the one who wanted a real deep committed relationship in the beginning (remember the part where he said things like.... SHOWER SEX? Casual friends my ass!). Tom wanted it, Summers didn't. Tom gave in to believe in what Summers believe. Now Summers changed - what the hell is Tom supposed to do? Because of Summers, Tom has become a person that is different. To Summers, Tom is no longer a reliable candidate as a husband if he gave in to this "casual friends" nonsense. Summers made Tom into another person, and now she doesn't like it. Tom had no spine in the beginning, but loved Summers more than he should - In the end, Tom gets confused and Summers wakes up.

The truth is this:
Its a little bit like a partying girl who goes clubbing all the time. Does she want a good husband, a good future? YES! She might or might not put it that way, but she definitely wants it. Yet, the goodie way of going about relationships, is just taking too long, its conservative, and you probably dont get the hottest girls. The hottest girls have bought the lie that they are so hot, so they go to places where they are worshipped all day long.

Now. The time will surely come, when she realizes her empty lifestyle.

The guys she used to hang out in the clubs: She know who they are deep inside. She wouldn't want to marry a guy from the club. She knows why she was in the club the first place, and he sure know that he is in for the girls, and hoping to get laid by the end of the night. She wakes up - but the guy was blindly mislead all along, and wonders why she has changed.

So, what do I want to conclude with:
If you are a guy, know what is right and wrong... what is good and bad. The girl might know what is good and bad too, but chances are that you lead the relationship and you make calls. If she is heading down the wrong path, correct her as a friend, "walking together down the wrong path" might earn you her friendship for a while - but when she wakes up, she will realize that things should have been different from the beginning.
As much as guys... girls don't always know what they are talking about. Know the right thing, do the right thing. But in general as humans, the truth is... we are all like Summers: Most of us, most of the time "don't know what is good or bad for us".

It always take a decade or 2 before we realize things.
When we were young, our parents instructed us in ways which we disliked. When we grow older, we come to udnerstand things better and thank them for forcing their way and shoving those veggies down.
As we work, there are things we hold in high regard. We don't believe much of the nonsense like relationships are more important than work. But we believe lies that teach us to measure success by all the wrong rulers. Then before we die, we start to realize that we have been really missing out on things because of the lies we believe.

Truth is this:
It doesn't have to be this way.

Tom could have acted differently, being being a good man who had the spine to not give in. It wasn't a "never meant to be" thing. If Tom stayed strong, Summers might have reconsidered her position, and went after Tom who she could respect. The last man you want to marry is somebody who has everything but ... someone you have no respect for.

But... two roads diverged in a yellow wood. One things leads on to another, Summers might not have realized her error if it were not the disaster of having a "casual friendship" with Tom. Tom changed too, for better or for worse.

Which was why I wrote earlier:

Good thing my Heavenly Father knows better and gave me what I need more than what I want. In due time, as I grow into maturity, I will respect Him for that and be fulfilled by having what I truly need. As of now, we as sinful human beings, have distorted desires - it is good that God doesn't give in like Tom. But as i look back, I have been Tom many times, and I have been Summer quite a few times. It is good that with God, there is forgiveness through Jesus Christ. With Jesus, there is a new beginning - a true new beginning - not some "vain and baseless perspective of forgetting the past so that you can live for tomorrow". After all, truth is what we need. Lies can pretend to make us satisfied for a while, until ignorance is no longer bliss.

500 days of summer, catfeeding, Buddhism, Ethics, Glory, Sarcasm

2009-10-04T05:20:00.000-07:00

I just watched 500 days of summer
And I am not surprised that I understood what was happening all along, and why certain words were said. And I remember that it is a good thing that our parents don't always give us what we want. If they did, and when we learn some sense as we grow up, we would have despised those actions.
And most of all, our Heavenly Father that knows better than us who gives us what is good for us even when we are all a little like Summer. May God help us "wake up one morning" and "be sure" of the thing that... the world didn't and couldn't give us.

I also have been hearing "good reports" from fellow catfeeders
I am in charge of 2 relatively friendly cats on campus. I get to pat Poppy, but Coco is too shy for me to touch her. I used to be unable to understand why people actually like cats - dogs are a million times friendlier. Cats are like hot girls. They don't give you a rip. Cute dogs are like hot girls that actually care about you. Those high-class cats' affection are hard to earn, and they are pretty loyal. Some catfeeders finally got the chance to pat the cats they feed after about a year of feeding. It was joy for them. So i guess, somethings are not about possessing, but rather earning it.
Reminds me, Jesus is God, divine and worshipped all along - afterall, He is the Creator and has a right to everything. But I like to know the fact that Jesus earned His name. " And He humbled Himself, to the point of death on a cross, therefore God gave Him the name that is above all names, that at His name every knee shall bow"

Attended the Bodhi Night
I left early, but got the chance to hear the sermon by the nun on impermanence. The non-buddhist phrase for that is "the only constant in the world is change". Mainly about how change is inevitable in the universe, we ought not to hold a grudge against a universal law, much like we shouldn't be hating gravity, it is stupid and absurd. Rather, since we know that incidents happen due to a collection of causes and circumstances, we ought to recreate those circumstances and conditions and reap the harvest of success of it. Don't fret that things don't turn out our way, it is just that the causes and conditions have changed - do some reverse engineering, and recreate your future. Don't get too attached to the present, it will change! continuously work for the future and havest the fruit of the past. That is the gist of what I got, might not be everything, but I have been given better promises than this.
This whole cycle that I live through - to sin, repent, receive forgiveness from God, and repeat - looks like it will never change. Like a universal law "to err is human". Birth, life, death and decay is a constant cycle in life. But Buddhists, studying the world as a closed system, do not know that this constant cycle will very soon be changed. In fact, the change has begun, it will build up momentumn and thunder through eternity. Jesus will come just as He has come once, He will put an end to what we have been living with thousands of years. The history of human sinfulness, the effects of it will be changed, and it has already started. The data that Buddha worked with, how he saw the sufferings of this world, the cycle which this world goes through - a sight which set him on the path to Enlightenment... yes, those data will very soon be irrelevant. In fact, He never saw through the temporal world, not because he was stupid, but because he never knew that the world was NEVER a closed system. The Creator has His eye on it, and has entered it to save all humanity, and change history forever. Too bad the Enlightened One never lived to see that day.

Did studies on Ethics
Been taking this subject called Ethics and Leadership in uni. It is not surprising that the whole course is about exercising your brain cells to understand morality - but somehow it goes just about there. After all, it is written in the course outline (paraphrased) "This course is not suppsed to make you more ethical, it is about how to think ethically". This is somethings I hate about modern philosophy and all the spiritual guru stuff - it is like the lazy employee - always seem to be working hard, but nothing much ever comes out of it besides some mish mash that leave people where they started off.
But the goals are pretty realistic. If a subject in uni could have cured the human problem of wickedness, I'd be a lecturer. It was at first crazy to think that some human problem required God to die, thousand year old prophecy to be fulfilled, and expectancy of a Saviour coming in the future. But looking at the lame attempts by humans, it isn't that crazy afterall. This whole talk about humans needing God to change our wicked heart(not improve it, but change), about how it would take "God to live in us" to possibly reverse the madness and depth of our error, this whole talk about we being insufficient to be self-saviours but needing external help... yeah, those things that Christians talk about sounds like a better solution than a "Yes we can". Well, that fella is trying hard to be a good president, I applaud him for that, but somethings are just out of his control. It must be a hard lesson to learn that America isn't capable of miracles.

Leart about achievement and glory
I remember singing "history maker" kind of Christian songs when I was in high school. Its about how we are so inspired by great people in the past who did great work in Chrstianity, how we could be like them if we worked hard enough, trusted God enough, and whatever -enoughed. It was about "achieving great things for God", glory was something we earned to give God. You know? Do well in your studies "by God's strength", and then when people ask, somehow credit it to God and say that He was the main force behind it. I kinda got that idea during my formative years as a young Christian.
But then when I read that glorifying God essentially means growing to be Christlike, I was thinking "Surely I can't be hearing bullshit all along about glorifying God being being a superstar Christian?" Well, I didn't hear just nonsense, but just that I was misguided by sincere people with good intentions. And sometimes, I think good intentions did more harm in history than plain wickedness. I don't know. Maybe someday we will have a Facebook quiz for that. Facebook has quizzes for everything, from "when I will die" to "who I will marry" to how many "%" lucky I am today. I thought people who accessed the internet were smarter than that, but apparently internet is so accessible anybody could use it.
I remember reading verses like "God will look on that successful man who glorifies Him most by being the famous preacher/musician who everybody adores", or was it "Here is who I will look at - one who has a broken and contrite spirit, one that trembles at My Word". I don't know, probably the first one, they seem to say that a lot in many popular churches, sounds like something everybody loves to hear, like good reports from the government about how the whole country is in fact very united with only very few unwanted dissenters. But well, I'm learning that faithfulness in small things trumps those big achievements. Surely God is worth my limelight glorious moments, but He is worth more than that, He is worth every single breath of my inglorious moments - for in my weakness God's sufficiency is made all the more obvious.

Sarcasm
I have friends who are so innocent in some ways that they don't realize when I am being sacarstic. I admire that. And to some extent, I wished I were a little more like them, instead of having ideas and images that shout violence, hatred and lust shouting through my mind. Ignorance is bliss, sometimes. I love those people, they have a privilege that few people have. Some of us understand jealousy perfectly well, because we are people who get jealous often. They are the ones who don't get jealous much, because they don't see what is there to be jealous about. Jealousy is a foreign concept. Sounds good not to know too much bad stuff eh?
But back to sarcasm, some people just don't use their brain enough to know the difference.
That is how I used to think a lot. Until God revealed to me the laziness and the wicked thoughts that I am capable of having. It puts things in perspective, it isn;t always about how much you know... but in God's eyes, how much you do about what you know. Often, we don;t do much about what we know, we don't do what we ought to, no matter how virtuous and loving it may be. Which brings us back to the same level - all common sinners who desperately need forgiveness, or else we would do justice to send each other to hell.

When I grow up, I want to be just like ...

2009-08-26T04:39:00.000-07:00

This is a short post about a guy I have a lot of respect for and enjoy talking to.

Kenneth Lo Shau Hui.

Kenneth and Vivian

He, in his own words, was a typical Ah Beng all his life, then he came to study in UNSW, and became a Christian here. After graduating and working for a few years in Singapore, he came back to Sydney to study Theology. He is currently in his 3rd year, he would be heading back to Malaysia to become a pastor.

Kenneth is probably about 10 years older than me, about 30 years old, married to a woman called Vivian, who he met at UNSW too. Kenneth loves Vivian, and it is something that people around them can see - and they are expecting a baby in a couple of months.

Thats the short intro. Now the real thing:

One thing I appreciate about Kenneth is that he gives me the benefit of the doubt. When I come to him discussing issues that I struggle with - he does not assume I am stupid and am plain sinful. While it is true that the major bulk of my problems are because I am sinful, he explains things to me in much more helpful ways rather than "Joel, you are very sinful, please grow up".

He talks in a way that acknowledges that I have thought things through, and allows me to attempt explaining things about m mind which I find hard to put into words. I have talked with many people who are not able to recognize the question behind the question. From what I can feel, Kenneth always know that I have a deeper question behind the surface question that I ask, and deals with me gently as he exposes issues of godliness, or rather ungodliness.

The next thing I appreciate is his lack of pretense and humility. While he is older than me, he is married, he has experienced more things than I, and dealt with a variety of people - he talks plainly with me. I say humility because he is indeed wiser than I, yet he talks with me as with a friend. He genuinely considers me an equal, and not a little boy to be taught, rather an adult to discuss things with. I appreciate that honour.

Bible Study Group 2008

I say lack of pretense, because I know there are many people out there who pretend to know more things than they really do, me included. I know how I often come up with some bullshit reasoning that is carefully crafted, so that I look wise - when I am asked questions that I don't have answers to. Kenneth doesn't know everything in the world, nobody does - difference is that he admits that in a genuine way, all of the time, in everything he does. Kenneth is open to admit his weaknesses, not in the tone of "well yeah... nobody is perfect", but rather "I want you to know that I struggle with the same thing as you do, so hang in there brother, because Jesus is faithful".

The third thing I respect about him is the way he handles issues plainly. Let me illustrate this:

Last year, Kenneth and I were in the same Bible study group - of course he was the leader, and I am most glad of that. So our group went for an outing to... Bondi Beach I think, Vivian was with us. Well, for those of us who went there before, it would be quite common to see women sun bathing without their tops. So after sometime at the beach, we wanted to take a group picture, so all the guys got into a row, and I was standing beside Kenneth. About 4 metres away, I noticed a beautiful woman (I think) - topless, tanning her self and taking a nap.

This is the core of it all.

If you were Kenneth, standing beside me, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?

Pretend not to see?

Oh no?

WOW?

Haha Joel, I caught you staring! ?

Eh! Don't see lah! ?

All these responses would tell something about your personality. Any one of them would reveal at least one thing about your maturity. I wonder, what would you say to me?

I am not sure if anybody out there can appreciate what Kenneth is about to say. Maybe if you were good in psychology, you would recognize something? Maybe if you have talked with different types of people, you might appreciate it.

This is what Kenneth said.

"Not very helpful for our godliness huh..."

Kenneth saw it. I saw it. He knew I saw it. I recognize something and I appreciate it, not because I know lots of things about humans, or I understood deep principles of human thinking... but rather, what he said was so true. It was a mature response.

He didn't pretend not to see it. He didn't correct my behaviour as though the issue was not moral by nature. He did not waste the opportunity to reveal something about my heart, and about the matter at hand. He did not say things like "haha I caught you" as though he was a very holy person who is out of this world or he was a gay.

It has been a year since that event, but I remember those words clearly. Kenneth acknowledges the problem, and diagnosed the issue well, and handled the situation well.

Fourthly, Kenneth is not falsely humble. I know people like that. I think false humility is worse than pride - its the worst form of pride. I remember discussing what Paul said "Imitate me, as I imitate Christ" with Kenneth. To cut the length discussion short - we were saying how we find ourselves so inadequate in every way to tell the same thing to other Christians - "Imitate me, as I imitate Christ". And Kenneth was also saying that we could also practice false humility, or be irresponsible as Christian to avoid saying that statement, and of course, trying to live that out.

There are really many more things that I admire about Kenneth. I don't normally say this of anybody - but Kenneth is somebody I would want to imitate as I seek to imitate Christ. If I was another person, and I read the post I just typed, I would be afraid that this person is almost worshipping Kenneth. But the one thing I really respect about Kenneth is how he shifts the spotlight away from himself.

He always identifies himself and comes to my level of understanding of things to work things through, points to the Bible, admits his sinfulness, and help me put my trust in God - he doesn't quite just "pray for Joel" - but he recognizes that his struggles are not much different than mine, so he always prays not only for me, but also for himself when we pray together.

I'm feeling very... um... favoured by God to have such a friend in my life. (Yes, I refuse to use the word blessed, not because I have something against it, but almost nobody really understands what that Christian jargon means)

I pray that Kenneth and Vivian will continue to love Jesus more and more and help many others do the same too. On this whole "becoming more and more like Jesus" journey, Kenneth is definitely a major milestone that I want to reach. It is just that as of now, I lack all of those things that I respect and admire. Well, it is gonna take some time - and yes, there are quite a few other people that I still kinda respect and admire, not quite as much, but still do - but what I appreciate more about those people are that they keep putting in effort to make themselves better people, and they are wonderful people who puts others first, wise, caring, and lots of other nice things. Enough of the guys -

Among them are 3 sisters in Christ: Jesslyn Ding, Teoh Sze Wen, Mandy Khoo

Ah, if you do happen to see these people, please do treat them extra nicely. God knows how much they have sacrificed to put others first.

Lord, You know all things

2009-07-26T01:50:00.000-07:00

Give me neither poverty nor riches,
Lest I should go poor and steal,
Or why should I be full and say "Who is The Lord?"

Please don't praise me when I do things well,
But do let me know you care for me,
For I am a sinful man -
and sinful men love to hear praises of men
If you were a pagan,
I would regard your words as flattery
But you are my dear brother, my dear sister,
How could I not believe that you spoke genuine words?

I am so sinful, please do not destroy me with praises
I am so sinful, I get discouraged when I hear no approval

Whether I turn to the left or to the right
destruction awaits me

And so, from heaven came a hand,
Yes, more than a hand -
From heaven came a man
yes, more than a man

He knows my heart
How wicked it is
He gives me grace
Grace enough to know that He is enough
When all I have is weakness

He speaks words loving and tender
His words are life -
unlike the praises of men, or their approval
His words are sharp and they cut,
yet they heal.

O God, let me hear your voice,
Where else have I to go,
When you alone have words of eternal life?

His hands are warm in the cold
and cool in the heat,
His hands are like no other.
When shall I finally sleep in His palms?

Winter brings sorrow,
Springs bring hope
but only that which last for a moment,
Before summer beats on my back
and autumn crushes all

When shall spring pass?
When shall I see Him
not as the mirror which I see in part
But to know Him face to face

When shall I be free from sin?
Tears have become my drink day after day
When promises after promises are broken,
I dare not promise Jesus anymore
You know me,
You know men, and what lies in them.

Tomorrow I awake to continue my endless toil,
only because I know the rest You bring
and Your promises never fail.

Let me tell you something Jesus,
I love my Christian sister,
and I hate myself for I cannot love her like You do
Your love is pure,
Your love is patient, is kind
is not self seeking, does not boast,
is not arrogant, Your love is true.
I am a sinful man,
full of lust,
full of strive,
I should have died a thousand times,
Why did you nailed Yourself to the tree?
When really, it should have been me

But I fear death
I fear God's wrath,
It is right for God to be angry,
It is right for you to judge.

The sane man in me condemns me
The wicked man in me won't let go of sin
But Your Spirit in me calls me to trust in Your grace

How long more do I have to live with them?
I am Your bride, You are our groom
Let me no longer live in harlotry,
but let me have One God
Let me live under One head

The waves in the world toss me all around
Its hard, My God, It is hard -
But why do I echo these words
When I know that Christ is my High Priest
O My God,
If only I can know you more,
If only I am like You a little more,
If only I am able to live like You
Then I will rest in Your Love
I will not cry,
I will not be restless.

Precious in the sight of The Lord is the death of His saints.
I want to die, I want to be with You.
But here you keep me,
living this earth, because You love me.
You want me to know that it is with the love You have for the World,
It is with that You loved me.
And many sons you have, you think of giving me siblings
Tough love you want me to learn.

I want to be Christlike
Yet I do not want to be Christlike -
If I have a heart like Yours
A big heart that weeps for the sin of the world
A big heart that desires none be lost
If I had your heart,
I would die of grief.

But Your purpose will not fail
As you have done, so You will do
You will make me like Jesus
You will put me in the refiner's fire
My future glory I could not fathom,
For you are determined to see pure gold.

Oh Lord, I do not think I am too concerned about my glory
For I know that the day when I am fully pure,
It is Your glory only that I will ever want,
and I will rejoice with John,
For You are increasing, and I am decreasing.

My sinful mind, cannot love You like I would like to,
For I cannot see You as You are
Day and Night I sin against You
Lame, blind and blemished are my offerings,

I would like to think I am trying hard
but You know Iam not,
I am ashamed,
From You I run
but in my heart,
I know it is to You I must run to.

You knew all these were coming
Yet with an irrevokable decree You set Your Love on me
I do not know what to do.
My thanksgiving sounds like filthy rags
as I speak them in the midst of Your saints

You know my heart,
You know, You know.

"Joel, do you love me?"
"Joel, do you love me?"
"Joel, do you love me?"

You know Lord. You know all things. I love you Jesus.

Preference

2009-06-08T20:11:00.000-07:00

Hey you! This is one of those "Joel articles" where he tries to impress imaginary people with his claims about " I understand everything about everything there

is to know - let me tell you my GREAT opinion". Well, nah... he is just reacting impulsively to a lot of IMHO kind of patronizing talk. IMHO stands for "in my humble opinion". It is just that many times when people use the word IMHO, they normally finish the sentence/paragraph with pretty proud statements and conclusions.

Joel isn't going to say that whatever written below is some IMHO kind of thing - since he knows with some degree of certainty that they are true. But of course, being a fallible human who makes mistakes and becomes stupid at many instances in life, there are mistakes. But I know some of you people out there think of

yourselves very highly and say things like "since there are mistakes, let us discredit whatever he says and treat it as just ANOTHER opinion". Please, grow up. I know you relativistic people. You think you are a genius, but you are not qualified to teach as a teacher, to argue as a philosopher, to think rationally like an

engineer - but HEY! you are a genius! Please, forget about reading the rest of it and marvel at yourself, you ALWAYS have a good time doing that.

Oh! I remember a joke! Not quite a joke if you are THE joke:

There is girl who was chatting with her girlfriends and couldn't stop talking about herself. And so her friends listened and listened to her bragging about herself over lunch for more than an hour. And suddenly, she realized she has spent too much time talking and not listening. so she said:

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I spent so much time talking about myself. So, it should be you turn to talk...So, what do you think of me?"

EEESH......

Now, probably some of the things below will sound self-righteous, and at different points someone might actually ask "What makes you think that is RIGHT?". What I can say is that these things are what I work out (at least I think so) from the Bible - have pondered over it logically, do not claim to have fully achieved it (far from it actually) - nonetheless, it is something I prefer and actively strive towards. Here goes.

Joel would want himself to be a passionate person. By passionate, I mean REALLY PASSIONATE. Somebody who knows what he is doing in life, has a strong drive to do it well. If he doesn't, he should work hard at finding it out. But of course, since Joel is a Christian, he doesn't want himself to be passionate about just everything in life. Joel wants to be passionate about very few things in life.

*pause*

actually, Joel is trying to cover up what he really wants to say. The fact is that Joel has a lot of expectations of other people and really wants to write an entry about "what I would prefer to see in other people". But that sounds SO SO SO...er... So not quite right since there are always people who complain about the

whole world except themselves. So now he covers up by saying what he expects of himself. You sly! But then again, if I write an entry about what I expect of myself, what kind of egoistic guy would keep bragging about their expectations of themselves?

Hmmm....

What kind of guys actually spend so much time thinking about themselves....

Hmmm....

Why.....

EVERY OTHER GUY!

That egoistic race!

Of course. Right, good, Joel is normal in covering up. People would just think that he is like every other guy.

*resume*

Continuing from where I left of - Think of loving your wife. You want to love your wife passionately, not EVERY WOMAN. Likewise, Joel doesn't want to be passionate about everything, He wants to be passionate about the Jesus kind of things. Being passionate about Jesus isn't just concentrating on one tiny area in life. Since following Jesus has implications on every sphere in life - godliness has everything to do with life, just life a life passion more or less determines your

life direction - since that, Joel has to be very careful about his life and what he gives his heart to. Having said that, Joel would be really angry with himself if he is lazy. He thinks that laziness is a manifestation of a lack of passion and drive. While he remembers that sometimes he just conveniently forgets about his aim in life, he also remembers that the kind of "conveniently forgetting important things" are not really forgetting, but simply being wicked for a prolonged period of time until he becomes indifferent to what is holy and good.

And yes, he has a strong dislike for the same yuck-ness he sees in others. He has resorted to the word "yuck-ness" because some think it too "OUCH" if he uses the word wickedness on others, but Joel thinks that using the word "weakness" is just playing the victim. It is like saying "oh, i have the 'less passion gene' flowing in my veins" kind of nonsense.

Joel knows Kenneth who puts in a lot of effort to try to be both considerate and passionate. Now, anybody who have tried that would know that instead of saying "considerate and passionate", "considerate BUT passionate" would sound more normal. It is a hard thing, not to balance them out, but to demonstrate them in a timely manner - that is a hard, VERY difficult. Joel aspires to be more like Kenneth.

Yes, Joel hates nonsense. He loves jokes, he loves to laugh. But there is this whole "other category" of not-so-funny-jokes where people play the victim, give lame excuses, and patronize one another with illogical nonsense. They are really not funny. I suppose most of us know it when we hear some really really out of place excuses like "traffic jam"(when they just live 10 minutes away), or "your opinion is really interesting"(when obviously you really want to say: that was the dumbest thing I have ever heard).

But Joel enjoys having fun, teasing himself, and sometimes inappropriately teasing others. He needs to work on that - the teasing others part. He has a friend called Andy who is working hard to come up with clean jokes, and finding more ways to make others laugh by teasing himself (and not others). Joel respects Andy for that kind of love he has for others(and many other things). One day when Joel grows up, he will be funny in a godly way. Ooo.... that sounded so wierd that it just sent a chill down my bones.

Funny and godly.

*double chill and goes to the toilet*

Ahem..Joel wants to be like a kid. He wants to be really happy when he is happy, he wants to be really sad when he is sad. Besides that, Joel wants to be VERY angry when he is angry. He doesn't want to be some human-zombie trying to fit into our sometimes not-so-healthy-culture where laughters, tears, or anger is restrained. Joel has a STRONG dislike for people like that but he has to learn how to love them and be mindful for them.

But essentially, Joel has no desire
whatsoever to have less emotions. He thinks he is "quite there", but needs some polishing and balancing on the "caring for the other person" and being "considerate" - you know? like being rightly angry but not venting them on others, like being rightly angry about appropriate things and actually solving the issue instead of shouting at everyone?

While Jesus is of course the ultimate role model in the things mentioned above, Joel particularly wants to mention more on Jesus on this one. One of the reason Joel loves Jesus is because Jesus cries, loves deeply, talks funny at times, and knows how to get mad. Joel loves how Jesus makes fun of self-righteous people, although Joel doesn't quite enjoy it to find himself being one of them at times - but Joel knows that self-righteous people aren't quite worth much except to be poked at. Joel loves Jesus crying and scolding, because that is a very human thing to do.

Most of the humans Joel know aren't quite humans. Of course, quite a handful of them are secretly being humans - and they stop being humans when they meet other people. Then when they go home, they cry quietly on their bed in the stillness of the night. Joel understands to some extent why that happens, wants to sympathize with them (and himself, plus think of himself as the victim of society), but do not desire to excuse himself or anybody for that matter for our own fears and failures.

At this point, Joel is sick of using politically correct words like fears and failures, and weakness. Please think of wickedness whenever you see those words.

Thank God Jesus isn't like some politically correct politician. Thank God Jesus is The Perfect Man that Joel can look up to. Oh God, Please destroy those pictures that portray Jesus as some semi-gay figure with fair skin and long straight hair and deep blue eyes...

But anyway, Joel went through that whole "I am secretly a human" phase back in high school. It was a lonely experience, quite scary and sad. If you are reading this and you are somebody like that, lets talk! I'd love to talk with you! I'll TRY to be gentle! = ) Can't promise anything, but I'll TRY... like for a few minutes. But if I were you, I'd prefer a good Christian girl. or a good Christian man. Yes, MAN. Christian boys.... hmmmm, maybe not.

And yes! Joel would love to marry a real human. and of course, whether that comes true or not, Joel wants to be a real human. A wonderful thing he learnt from married Christians is that "Don't just say I want this and that kind of spouse, be the this and that(godly and matured) kind of spouse, and if whoever you are looking for doesn't appear, you have at least got your part right with God".

A note to that, Joel needs to remember that this is a fallen world. While expectations of God are perfect (which is good), expectations of humans (myself included) often have to be somewhat scaled down. Joel has known people (himself included) that say big things, great expectations of himself, only to see himself failing at every point the next week. He has seen guys that say: I want to marry a girl who is A, and a character that is B, and C, and D... to see them going out with a girl that is the complete opposite of that.

No, it wasn't some special love at first sight. Its just that whatever was said earlier was partly nonsense, and partly fairytale. The opposite is the real thing, partly due to desperation and selfishness, and a whole lot of invalid reasons which astrologers come up with.

Hmm, after all have been said and NOT done, now there are just so many things to work on: like Joel's character. Hmm... working on that would probably take a life time. But if he keeps looking over his shoulder and compare himself with his peers, he probably have to take more than a life time. If he continually blogs about these kind of things, then it would probably have to take a little more than 2 life times.

Lets go to sleep and wake up tomorrow morning to study for the upcoming exams. And there is prayer meeting later with some guys! Sounds like something helpful to keep me focused on Jesus during crunch time! And oh! Joel went for Queen's Birthday Convention at St. Andrews Cathedral and got a photo and a signed book from Phillip Jensen! Good stuff, save it for conversations.

Something against premature peace

2009-05-02T08:41:00.000-07:00

premature peace = there probably is a better technical term for it. But what I mean by 'premature peace' means that peace that is achieved before the real issue at hand is really resolved.

Examples of this is sometimes how people tolerate each other until apoint they cannot take it anymore. Two parties disagree with one another. They do not want to agree to disagree, but they do not want to feel like people who disagree. So they say something like "let us put aside our differences" and tolerate each other. Then, the critical point comes - BOOM.

This is a real danger for the pacifists of this age. We tend to prefer good reputation, and be well liked by everyone - and tolerate things we shouldn't tolerate.

I hate the whole 'premature peace' thing, and i have a general disdain for 'premature peacemakers'. I think that they are people who prefer a good image over a good deed - and this is one of the most hypocritical thing that people do. Appear noble, appear well mannered, appear everything that society approves - and in reality be a person who is full of theirselves.

'premature peace' is no peace - it is just delaying the inevitable. And normally, the inevitable is much worse than what the issue normally was. In the end, somebody has to clean up the crap that the earlier 'peacemaker' made - and being a REAL peacemaker in a messy situation often means that they have to do some dirty job that nobody wants to do. The REAL peacemaker receives no credit, while the earlier idiot basks in the praises of others.

(but then you might say, sooner or later, the public will realize the idiot. It is normally either "later" or "never". Trust me, the public is generally slow or stupid and they tend not to realize the obvious)

I love peace. It might not appear that way most of the time, but I do love real peace. I love it so much for myself and for others that I am unwilling to trade it for patronizing nonsense like "lets just concentrate on our similarities and forget our differences". I want to work hard on real peace, it might not work out. But I don't want to bury issues and create a timebomb for the next person.

Don't pass the buck. Take responsibility. Get real peace, not some poor imitation.

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder

2009-05-02T06:54:00.000-07:00

Poor Question:
Is Beauty is in the eyes of the Beholder?

Better Question:
Who do you want to behold you?
Who do you behold?

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful"

1 Peter 3
Peter the Apostle, Bible

Sickness and Wandering Thoughts

2009-03-07T02:45:00.000-08:00

I got sick. When I get sick, what goes through my mind is pretty interesting -

Everything around me smells differently (because I can't really smell when I'm sick)
Food taste differently since I can't really taste them.
The tempearature of the room feels different, it is either too warm or too cold.
My senses are slightly differnt as my whole body becomes a little more numb.
People treat me slightly differently because I am sick.
The world becomes a little more wobbly cos I feel dizzy.
Most of my time is spent sleeping, so the sense of time, of urgency is less.
I feel as though my mind is somewhat separated from my body.
I feel as though I am mind controlling my body - not quite the body that I am used to when I'm healthy, but because I am sick it really feels as though I am controlling someone else.
I feel as though I am somewhat less responsible for what I am doing because I am not me.

I start listening to emo songs that I would otherwise not listen to.
Walk slowly (since I cannot walk fast anyway) and notice my surroundings - how the pencil is on the table and how the cup is in the sink.
I say things in a more gentle way because I can't get as enthusiastic as I would like to be.

This whole "me" and "alter ego me" or whatever you would like to name it is not limited to the period when I get sick physically - but rather pretty much daily. When I face difficult situations in my life, I ask myself whether I should really treat it as "me" experiencing the tough things I am facing, or take them as something that is happening to the "body" I am experiencing. It is like, I am a steward of my body and of my life- I am the caretaker, the manager.

Some major religions and new age practices teach us to separate our body and our minds. They are 2 different entities, and we should deal with them as 2 different things. Whether it is partial separation or total separation - they might differ.

I attended a buddhist camp before, and they were teachng us how to do meditation. Something liek a 20 minute session I think. Of course, I am not like some big time guru, but the principle was to just focus our mind to be somewhat empty (but it isn't really empty because sometimes they teach you some chants, and I don't think it is possible to focus your mind on emptiness anyway - but well I don't know). Even if a mosquito is biting you, you are to focus on whatever you need to focus on, and shift your attention away from that tiny little thing. Focus on the mind, not on the body. Your leg might feel numb, but don't worry too much about it.

To me that is partial separation.

I haven't attend a Hindu camp before, but in Hinduism, this world is simply an "illusion" as they are merely temporal. I can't say more as to how the inner workings are, but some things I would like to note of perhaps (just perhaps) why this philosophy is appealing.

It is a mix of acceptance and denial of what is really happening. Pain does not become personal, rather pain happens to something you own - i.e. your body. Losses are much less personal. It is different from a more "personal" type of understanding.

For example:
With an impersonal philosophy, of you lose a pet dog, you tell yourself things like "I should be less attached to these things, pets are temporal, things come and go"
With a more personal type of philosophy, you would wonder if you would see your dog in heaven, and want to cherish the times you had together.

That is the impersonal philosophy, of course there is also the personal one. Loss is your loss. Pain is very real, such that you take it personally.

This personal philosophy is probably more natural to us. When we are cheated, we don't normally say that "The other person (who cheated) is not enlightened yet", we just simply feel betrayal. We feel hurt, we feel angry, and we feel sad - because the act commited against you was a personal act, and a relationship was severed.

People who takes things more personally generally feel more enthusiasm and sadness, while people who are less personal tend to feel less in every way.

People who takes things more personally are much more controlled and affected by the gains and losses of the present, while people who are less personal seem to set their minds of some ideal whether or not it is obtainable.

As you all would know me as a Christian, and perhaps you might be thinking I will be categorizing Christianity somewhere in the middle to make it looks very "balanced" to win it all by getting the best of both sides - I won't.

Firstly, I still struggle with this personal-impersonal thing, I wanted to brush it off as some mere personality issue. Much like how some people are task oriented and some people are more people-oriented. I don't think that the entire human understanding of the universe can be summed up in 2 simple categories.

Secondly, I don't think the Bible explains humans that way. While sometimes we are treated more like individuals, but because our bond with each other is somewhat so tightly knit and our fate has so much similarities, we are often addressed as a group. This is not some 50% personal 50% impersonal thing, but rather a 100% of both, which probably only makes sense philosophically and looks like nonsense mathematically.

Thirdly, I have read how some Christians who are in the "personality test" business try to fit Jesus into all the categories - and make him some uber-balanced man. In the DISC profiling, Jesus is All D, all I, all S, and all C. In the Carl Jung's test, Jesus is the "middle" perfect man - as though Jesus answered some personality test questions, and the scores show Him as some superman. God is Love, God is Holy, God is righteous. If Christians are to measure themselves, it should be along these lines. In the Bible, Paul is more argumentative, John is gentle, James is harsh, Luke goes into details, Peter is too blunt - Yet God's plan for them is not to make them into all robots, but rather making themselves who they fully are - just like Jesus.

I sometimes entertain ideas that all Christian should look like some finished product that is 23% gentle, 30% argumentative, 50% this and 12% that. This type of understanding which seems to prove as though we already know so much about humanity, categorizing them into nice compartments - I think it is a simplistic understanding of humanity at best.

But surely I must think a certain way to function - I can't just refuse to commit to belief and live. I don't quite think I will achieve some "divine balance" anytime soon, but I know I will be like Jesus one day, holy, righteous, and loving - and all these things will fade away, or perhaps they will fall into place.

There will be variety in heaven, and whatever that variety looks like, God will make sure it is a variety of perfection and goodness. Until then, my heart is not over troubled to search for answers as such, although me in the current illness of my mind has suddenly taken a greater interest in pointless blogging.

Struggling Thoughts

2009-03-01T04:04:00.001-08:00

This post is not designed with some persuasive flow of argument in mind. It is just that i have been thinking about this issue for a long while, and I will lay down the basic inference. It is designed mainly to just vent out some anger in a non-complaining way, a jotting down of thoughts, personal in nature, and written with a heavy heart. Here goes:

A Christian should value things differently from the world, and have little interest in things that are worldly. The interest that he/she should have in worldly things is only for the sake of being culturally relevant such that the gospel can be preached. While some of us are brought up and are fed with likings for certain things - like football, cars, computer games, shopping (which means a whole list of things like shoes, clothes, etc) - a Christian should not nurture these desires.

Now I think this is a hard one to defend.

1. Because there are just so many people who like obsessively the things I just typed about.
2. Because the things are meant to be neutral in nature.
3. Because it seems that if you have little desire for these things you are going to be like some hermit who should really be living in a cave or some mountain peak where people climb miles up to see you for zen-like one liner wisdom
4. Because there will be a struggle to draw the line between legalism and genuine sincere desires
5. Because humans are generally sinful, we tend to take neutral things and use it self-centeredly

Laying down those ideas, add to the list if you like in the comments - but what I am not saying is that:
1. Things are bad and it is wicked to enjoy a good meal
2. We should detach ourselves from the world like many religious figures do
3. We should follow rules for the sake of feeling superior to others
4. We will become perfect by our own effort if we just "tried hard enough"

I will share with you why I am thinking about this in the first place:

Many Christians look exactly like non-Christians. Spend money like non-Christians, stay up late to watch football and miss church the next day, greatest goal in life is to get healthy-wealthy-rich and somehow donate enough money or do enough charity work such that they feel that they have contributed their part to society + silenced their conscience. Christians not knowing their Bible just like an average non-Christian, not sharing their faith since they don't know what it is anyway, etc.

I will tell why it matters:

Because this earth is not our home - we have heaven as our aim. We are meant to be responsible stewards of resources: time, energy, money, desires, things. When my priorities do not reflect heaven as my aim, then I am not being loving to others and will deny the gospel with my behaviour however vehemently I may proclaim it with my lips (which is also pretty hard to do when we know we are bad testimony).

2 results of that is:

1. God is not No.1 and honored in our lives as seen in our priorities.
2. We are giving a bad name to Jesus when we call ourselves Christians - tell others that God is Glorious when we spend everything to make ourselves glorious

If you can connect the points, yes I am saying that:

Our practice reveals our priorities, and our priorities reveal our beliefs. If we claim to believe 1 thing, and we practice another, we are just being hypocrites. The damage is not limited to ourselves - it says something about God, and it is told to many people who already have no fear of God in their lives.

Compared to another Christian, I tend to take it to the extreme. I do not think it is the extreme, but I think I can agree with them to disagree on this point. I really do think that the major portion of time that a Christian have should be used to extend the gospel.

Being contented with just getting a "ticket to heaven" is terribly misleading and misses the whole point of being a Christian. I just gotta do my part in following Jesus and encouraging other brothers in the journey, while drawing the rest of the crowd to the attention of their ugly fate - in hope that they may realize that we are all wicked sinners, who don't deserve heaven and have a judgment waiting for us.

Think

2009-02-24T07:15:00.000-08:00

1. Think with a purpose of knowing
Playing with ideas when you are not going to commit to will fill you with hot air and make you stupid

2. Think both ways
Argue with yourself and try winning against yourself - you feel better being merciless to yourself rather than having someone else doing it

3. Think with a possibility of failure
Anything can fail - trusting motivational speakers that tell you that you will surely succeed goes against simple logic

4. Think with desire
Point 1 was more of a desire issue rather than a discipline issue.

5. Think about a person
You are not who you think you are, but who you think - you are

6. Think until it hurts
Not very convincing, but you are really more stupid than who you ought to be. If you don't like the demotivating tone: You can always do better. No pain, no gain. Some of us think no pain = great gain. Not true. But yes, not all pain is gain.

7. Think reflectively
Don't just think about ideas "out there", but how whatever that is "out there" would imply consequences to you

There are wonderful things about thinking:

7. You think who you are - I should really make this clear. A good tree bears good fruit, a bad tree bears bad fruit. You know a tree by it's fruit. A good tree doesn't bear bad fruit, neither does a bad tree bear good fruit. As you examine the thoughts that goes through your head, they tell a lot about who you are. When you continually think hateful thoughts, and find yourself suppressing those thoughts. You know you are pretty rotten inside and you are really trying to fix things. Or perhaps, not trying to fix things - but still coming up with a pretty smile.

6. Scientifically, the more you think - the better you get at it. Part of it is a matter of skill, a big part of it is something about your brain forming connections which then allows you to think even faster.

5. One of the reason we promote self-centered-ness, self-love, and self-whatever, is because we always think about ourselves, and really, there ain't much good stuff in us, and we get pretty good at being ourselves. Sometimes that is good, sometimes - not so good.

4. It would be very boring to have no desire. Desire fuels thoughts, and thought kindles desires. Don't you remember lying on your bed and dreaming about your crush? In your mind, he/she just gets better and more beautiful, and the harshest word they say somehow become saintly. And before you knew it, you became more in love, and you think about him/her more - and the cycle repeats.

3. Pride hinders thinking. When you don't allow the possibility of failure - you don't quite get past certain thoughts, which might be easily solved if you just took another approach. When thinking, taking oneself too seriously (which in scientific language, refusing to admit that you just started off with the wrong inference) can be one of the most idiotic thing to do.

2. You get pretty prepared for arguments. Prolonged arguments in the mind can make you pretty sharp, such that you can smell a lie a mile away. (ah! that rhymes!) It is losing arguments in practice. Better to win yourself than let somebody win you - chances are you will hate admitting the other person is really smarter and got it all right.

1. Thinking this way develops some measure of integrity. (I admit, integrity is "heart" issue, but bad thinking fuels twisted logic). Twisted logic will undo and mislead you at every point of thought, as you would be so heavily biased in a not-so-good way.

The numbers match. They are supposed to relate.

Happy thinking.

(I won't condemn it, but I don't support thinking for fun. Thinking for fun promotes making fun the highest objective for thinking. I support thinking for joy, because joy springs from truth and love - and a person will have to think truthfully and loving to get happy. Its hard to think of a lie - an unloving lie, get convinced and really be happy)

Because I Really Love You

2009-02-18T08:14:00.000-08:00

I can't remember how many posts I have written about thinking of death. I can't remember how many friendships I have that I have intentionally steer conversations toward Jesus. I can't remember how many blog posts I have typed to introduce Jesus.

Why am I doing these?
Doesn't it look like I am using friendships for certain purposes other than friendship?

I love my friends.

Some I have not seen in a long while, some I see regularly.
Some I have wronged and we never reconciled, some have not known me long enough for me to wrong them.

There are friendships that I would wish very much would last into eternity, there is so much to discover about one another. I am very fascinated about how we get motivated, how we love, why we hate, why we devote our time to certain things, what happened the last time you didn't want to talk with me, what made in all nice again, how we grew up to be ourselves today.

Yet, death limits me. I don't have all the time in the world. There are people that I want to treat well in special ways, yet one appointment after another drives me around, the demands of work, the limitation of finance, the fact that we all have to spend hours to sleep everyday just prevents me from doing this.

In the end, not everybody gets the attention that they deserve; while people are treated as friends, they can only take up such a small part in our lives.

Somewhere along the line, I am thinking: If I want to meet all of these people, I will need eternity on my side - which is one of the few reasons I want to tell them about Jesus.

Shame has caused me to reveal only parts of myself, and embarrassment has prevented me from knowing my friend in a deeper way. Insecurity stains humanity - for legitimate reasons. I long for the day when we can understand each other fully and clearly, and to appreciate all the good things there are.

But on this side of heaven, these things cannot be so. Should there be no life eternal where wickedness and sorrow would pass away - earth is the closest anybody can get to paradise. In one lifetime, one marked by sin and shame, I ache at the fact that there will be people I will never get to know heart to heart. Some have taken on themselves the quest to create Utopia on earth, where there would be peace - I cannot wait till that day. It doesn't look like there are enough people doing that, and it doesn't look like things are moving in that direction either.

This is one of the few reasons why people need to hear about Jesus.

Even some of my friends who has considered me an enemy - I would desire reconciliation, I would desire forgiveness, I desire the friendship - but this cannot be. The brevity of life has driven us deep into instant gratification.

"I want pleasure for myself now!" for we do not know how long we will live, and the future looks bleak. The best things we can get for ourselves comforts us only for a moment, we have learnt not to have unrealistic expectations. We all learn to expect "death" to have the final say over all relationships. Of course, "death" is more real than life. Nobody is guaranteed to live, but all are destined to die once.

This is why I can't help but point my friends and foe alike to Jesus. We have been born into a mess, and we can't seem to stop contributing to all the hurt and pain - and our efforts to repair anything is futile.

I have become convinced that Jesus Christ dying on the Cross and resurrected as the Lord of All as truth. I have become convinced that God is love, mankind has sinned against God, God will judge all mankind - some to eternal condemnation, some to eternal life, Jesus Christ has died on our behalf to pay the penalty of our sin against God - Therefore my trust is in God, and my hope is in Heaven.

There are things I desire, that no man can give. Can one man define another man's worth? Is there anything in the world that can be equaled to the value of another person? By the greatness of another I am honored to be acquainted with them. But who is that great? We are pretty much the same deep down inside.

If there is one relationship I must restore, it is the relationship with my Maker. I know my Maker will fix all things according to His promise. He will make all things new. He will restore the relationships of His people to Himself - and them to one another.

I don't want to sound religious, but unless we all get ourselves fixed by Jesus, we will remain in conflict with everything, until death ends it all for good.

I look forward to the day in heaven where I will be perfected, when my life will not be marked by shame and secrets and wickedness - and I shall relate to God and to man freely. Where my joy will be simple like a baby's laughter - where all things are made new.

I desire that all my friends (and many others whom I have not yet met) come to know the truth: God is love, we have sinned, Christ has saved, so we trust. Or else, what else have we to look forward to?

Some among us think we are good enough for heaven. How can that be true - when out of 6 billion people in the world, we become convinced that we are the most important person among them?

Some of us think that God will not judge. How can that be true - that the Creator of the Beautiful Universe and the Lover of our souls would pervert justice and let the guilty go un-condemned?

Some of us think that Jesus is just a great man - How can that be true - that when God loves us so greatly that He gave us Himself as a ransom for our sins, is reduced to a morally upright teacher?

Some of us prefer to live our lives miserably until we die in hope that tomorrow will somehow be better. How can that be true - have we not been acquainted the brevity of the joys and the sadness on earth, that is so fleeting.

If i have to die, if I have to go broke, if I have to endure shame - what is that compared to an assurance of love, righteousness, peace, and joy in the presence of God our Maker and the company of all who love Him and one another?

The message of Christianity is simple. The link below is a 10 minute presentation of what the heart of Christianity is about.

V-day

2009-02-13T08:26:00.001-08:00

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for dying on the Cross. Just as you reign over all universe, reign in our lives too. Happy Valentines.

Your Church

Hypocrisy

2009-02-12T04:31:00.000-08:00

The same person who says,

"There is so much wrong in the government"
"He is right, she is wrong"
"Something should be done about this"
"The government is stupid"
"These people are so corrupt"

is the person who tells their children

"If you find a good opportunity, go somewhere else"

who would, provided the compensation was good enough - would not mind bribery and corruption.

This is mankind. Doesn't anybody see that we are sinfully and totally depraved?
(The finger pointing business proves my point)

Jehovah's Witness, Moron-ism, and Tom Cruise

2009-02-12T00:49:00.000-08:00

Finally, some disillusioned slaves knock on my door this morning! The last time they were Westerners (although not quite handsome), this time they are Japanese!

About 5 years ago, 2 Mormons pressed the bell and wanted to share Jesus with me. I got them in, and got my first copy of a Mormon Bible.

Just in case some of us do not know what Mormons (and Jehovah Witnesses) are, mainstream Christianity consider them cults. They use a different Bible than us, they believe different things, whatever team they are in, they are not in the "Christian" team. But of course, they would deny that - and the idiocy fuels the argument. It is true, I think Einstein or Edison said this :

"There are limits for a genius, but stupidity knows no bounds!"

You will get what I mean when you actually read their books. I should have kept it and read the Mormon Bible and find out what other jokes they believe in. I mean, come on!

What kind of religion has an angel called "MORONI"?

and here is another one, "Jesus was Satan's brother"

or this is real classical one, " Jesus went to America after He resurrected in the Middle East! there He told us the TRUTH!"

I am like - What? Is this serious? People actually believe that?

I mean, I thought America was already privileged with UFOs and superheros, it seems that meteors always ONLY strike America and America gets to save the world... but now even Jesus goes there.

What about Malaysia? What do we have? Orang Minyak and Toyol and ISA?

The founder of Mormonism - Joseph Smith is considered a martyr because he died in a gun fight. I thought Atheism was already absurd, but these people has taken it to new heights.

And Jehovah's Witnesses - you wonder if they went to school. They get the Bible, start editing parts they don't like - recreate a new Bible, and then use it to argue with you. Then when you come to a point in which they feel disadvantaged, they say:

"IT IS A METAPHOR!"

Then when they get to a point they have an advantage,

"THIS IS TRUTH!"

But if I just told them to read the whole sentence where they take their word from, they go

"The first part I said about was REALITY, the other (same word you chose at the second half of the sentence) was a METAPHOR"

Althought I dont have Scientologists knocking my doors, but who would have ever imagined that humans are biological blobs possessed with spirit prisoners from the planet of Xenu about 75 million years ago? i'm not even making this up! Go google it up.

Without Sci-fi writers who start religions and celebrities like Tom Cruise to believe them, life would be so meaningless!

It all just brings to mind how God mocks idol worshipers in the book of Isaiah, Isaiah 44:12-18

12 The blacksmith takes a tool
and works with it in the coals;
he shapes an idol with hammers,
he forges it with the might of his arm.
He gets hungry and loses his strength;
he drinks no water and grows faint.

13 The carpenter measures with a line
and makes an outline with a marker;
he roughs it out with chisels
and marks it with compasses.
He shapes it in the form of man,
of man in all his glory,
that it may dwell in a shrine.

14 He cut down cedars,
or perhaps took a cypress or oak.
He let it grow among the trees of the forest,
or planted a pine, and the rain made it grow.

15 It is man's fuel for burning;
some of it he takes and warms himself,
he kindles a fire and bakes bread.
But he also fashions a god and worships it;
he makes an idol and bows down to it.

16 Half of the wood he burns in the fire;
over it he prepares his meal,
he roasts his meat and eats his fill.
He also warms himself and says,
"Ah! I am warm; I see the fire."

17 From the rest he makes a god, his idol;
he bows down to it and worships.
He prays to it and says,
"Save me; you are my god."

18 They know nothing, they understand nothing;
their eyes are plastered over so they cannot see,
and their minds closed so they cannot understand.

It takes a genius to figure out which half was firewood and which half was God

=__=

Polycarp

2009-02-10T09:11:00.000-08:00

Some bloggers admit that the things they usually type aren't always the most interesting things in the world. As for others, they have yet to repent of their lying.

Bloggers just do what they do - commenting about every crap under the sun: about God, about politics, about how to run the world in a better way - walking the talk by spending most of their time saving the World (of Warcraft).

Not to leave out the other group: How we spend our time taking picture of food, food+myself, shirt, shirt+myself, myself, myself (in acting cute mode) and FINALLY ...the supposedly candid shot of myself.

But I really think what I type makes a difference. I went to university and played enough Diablo and Dotato know what it takes to form a strategy and save the world.

God save the bloggers.

Polycarp (not Poly-Crap: all you world-changing bloggers) was a Christian martyr who lived about 69 A.D. to 155 A.D. This means that he was killed because he believes in Jesus Christ. He also lived just a few decades after the death and resurrection of Jesus. Below is an account of the process of his martyrdom (full article is found here), after being betrayed by a servant:

Then, the proconsul urging him, and saying, Swear, and I will set you at liberty, reproach Christ; Polycarp declared,

Eighty and six years have I served Him, and He never did me any injury: how then can I blaspheme my King and my Saviour?

And when the proconsul yet again pressed him, and said, Swear by the fortune of Caesar, he answered,

Since you are vainly urgent that, as you say, I should swear by the fortune of Caesar, and pretend not to know who and what I am, hear me declare with boldness, I am a Christian. And if you wish to learn what the doctrines of Christianity are, appoint me a day, and you shall hear them.

The proconsul replied, Persuade the people. But Polycarp said,

To you I have thought it right to offer an account [of my faith]; for we are taught to give all due honor (which entails no injury upon ourselves) to the powers and authorities which are ordained of God. But as for these, I do not deem them worthy of receiving any account from me.

The proconsul then said to him, I have wild beasts at hand; to these will I cast you, unless you repent.

But he answered, Call them then, for we are not accustomed to repent of what is good in order to adopt that which is evil; and it is well for me to be changed from what is evil to what is righteous.

But again the proconsul said to him, I will cause you to be consumed by fire, seeing you despise the wild beasts, if you will not repent.

But Polycarp said, You threaten me with fire which burns for an hour, and after a little is extinguished, but are ignorant of the fire of the coming judgment and of eternal punishment, reserved for the ungodly. But why do you tarry? Bring forth what you will.

A Responsible Use of Influence

2009-02-09T08:08:00.000-08:00

Everybody has influence -

how much influence?
influence over who?
what kind of influence?

A dog has influence. Stray dogs have influence - the very sight limping stray dogs break people's hearts. Nice puppies bring joy to people around. I once wrote a poem about a cat who lost a paw, it got me thinking about it for quite some weeks, and made me reflect on my life.

From babies and beggars to celebrities and superstars. Angelina Jolie has influence over thousands and thousands in small little ways, yet her few kids that we probably don't know their names - they influence all her life.

Marketing companies use celebrities endorsements to sell a product. Celebrities earn their cash that way. Of course, there are those who use their name for better causes like charity and the sorts; but of course, most of it is used to promote materialism which the public desires so much.

Supply and demand they say, nobody is at fault. Since the whole world is innocent, maybe God is to be blamed. Or is it true that nobody is at fault?

Yes of course, it is him/her/them.

In the last day of the great Judgment before Jesus, nobody is guiltless. Not only will men be guilty for the things they committed as an individual, they are to be responsible for what they have been teaching people around them. The greedy man is not only guilty of restraining his hand to those in need, he is guilty of training his son to be a greedy young man. The man who saw a good deed and did not do it, is not only guilty for the good he did not do, but also the discouragement he gave to the onlookers who bought into his selfishness.

While this description is true for all of us, I am thinking particularly of Christians at this moment.

God has given us forgiveness of sins, reconciliation of relationship, and assurance of salvation. I wonder with such great gifts from God, and a mission given by God to evangelize - I do not wonder that most of us are not stewarding our influence well.

Much effort and much money is put into decorating ourselves, so that we may look good, and that people may praise us. Instead of speaking of the sacrifice, the judgment and the goodness of Jesus which leads to the glory of God, we happily pour our lives for the effort of directing praise to ourselves. We are given the opportunity of one person, the strength of one person at the very least - and God knows how He can demonstrate His Greatness in our weakness; but it is not becoming for citizens of heaven to indulge ourselves in earthly things.

Most of us are being very careless stewards. If any of us remember Jesus' parables.

At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish and five were wise. The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. The wise, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps. The bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep.
"At midnight the cry rang out: 'Here's the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!'
"Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps. The foolish ones said to the wise, 'Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.'
" 'No,' they replied, 'there may not be enough for both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.'
"But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in with him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut.
"Later the others also came. 'Sir! Sir!' they said. 'Open the door for us!'
"But he replied, 'I tell you the truth, I don't know you.'
"Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour.
"Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them. To one he gave five talents of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. So also, the one with the two talents gained two more. But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money.
"After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.'
"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'
"The man with the two talents also came. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with two talents; see, I have gained two more.'
"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'
"Then the man who had received the one talent came. 'Master,' he said, 'I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.'
"His master replied, 'You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.
" 'Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents. For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'
"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'
"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'
"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'
"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.

I suppose, influence is just one of many gifts that different people can have. I can't help but think of some of my more physically appealing (beautiful looking) female friends, with their God-given beauty, they use it to direct all praise to themselves.

But of course, this whole finger pointing business has taught me many bitter lessons. At the end of the day, I really have to ask myself this, "Is my action consistent with who I declare myself to be?"

Jesus says, "A good tree bears good fruits, and a bad tree bears bad fruits. You know a tree by their fruits"

With all respect and reverence to God, I think that statement sounds childishly obvious. While many of us think of ourselves as "Good people who happen to do bad things", Jesus is saying that mankind is "Bad people doing what they really are". To ignorant and sinful mankind, that statement is hardly obvious. It takes God to tell us common sense.

God has given us life, time, money, influence, and resources of all sorts - I hope I don't squander it away. Careless stewardship might be fun for now, but it won't be funny when we meet God face to face. We will all give an account to God, not only for our personal lives that involves ourselves, but also those whom we have led to Christ, or led astray.

2 of the many things that might rise in our heads:

a) I am not responsible/ I do not need to give an account/ I am good enough/ I am not that bad/ whatever like the words above

b) God save me

Just so we know, a) isn't quite a valid answer. Or maybe, it is again the kind of common sense that isn't quite common.

Babies

2009-02-04T13:52:00.000-08:00

Short Notes:

Since last week, there have been many times I have wanted to type out long difficult posts, which are full of discoveries, but I really am too lazy to do that.

For the past month, I had the privilege to see a Robin & Joy's family. They have 3 kids: Ilona, Alethea(Ally-read it like a Malaysian, like Eli), and Latimer(Latty-read it like a Malaysian, like Leti). I don't remember how old they are: Ilona is in kindergarten, Ally is probably 1 or 2 years younger, and Latimer still puts his hand in his mouth.

Not only did I get to see them and play with them a little bit, I got to make sure things like:

1) When Ilona plays with the swing, she doesn't knock Ally over (which always stands behind the swing)

2) Both Ilona and Ally don't fall off the swing when they like to both sit on the swing at the same time

3) Latty doesn't stick his finger into power points after he turned every single one ON

4) Latty doesn't pull the cable which will bring the whole lamp stand down

That is most of the dangerous stuff, besides making sure that Latty don't bang into anything as they run excitedly around. One more! I try really hard to listen to what they are saying: Latty seem to always be trying VERY hard to communicate ideas across in some weird language that only Ally understands.

Latty : Bwaguwan..Ra...La...

Ally : I think Latty says he wants to go out and play...

Latty drools all the time. When he sits down with me, he gets fascinated by the leg hair, and starts pulling them. After 2 minutes, he starts crying for either daddy or mummy, or something like "i want to go out and play", or whatever...

It really isn't easy taking care of 3 kids. Before you actually think and say

"Of course, Joel, you born yesterday ah?"

I'm telling you the more I think of it, and experience it, the more I think Joy is from Mars. Any mother of 3 kids or more is from Mars. Don't you ever sit down and think how you actually toilet train a baby?

I know how you train dogs to poop at a certain place. But babies? Don't they just poop whenever they like - and then you have to clean up?

As I see the kids, I am also learning to celebrate things the way they celebrate. Let me illustrate it:

Joel :

Hi Ally!

Ally :

(looks at me for a while and thinks)

Today I went to school with jie jie...

Joel :

(thinks for a moment... That should be an achievement I think....)

Wow, how did you find it?

Ally : I didn't cry...

Joel :

(This gotta be something like "I GOT HIGH DISTINCTION")

WOW! THATS GREAT !!!

This whole kid's business is a whole different world to me. I already have issues with talking with people, here I am trying to guess what they are saying, and then trying to relate to them.

Ilona is the eldest around, so it is easier to communicate with her. She always shows me the new things that she is doing in the kindergarten: the new Princess' crown, the Chinese New year Card ( which writes I dad Love you ) among other things.

While I can just take all these things as plain fun, but it has really got me thinking:

How many kids do I want?

Forget about the college and uni fees in the future - in the name of being merciful to myself and my wife. After the once-off of few hours of pain in delivery, there are many years of raising them up.

After long and hard thoughts, I have decided that 2 kids are enough. Why not 1? Why not 3 or more? To me, 3 or more kids is a lot of work for me and my wife. The Bible say it is good to have many sons (and daughters), like a quiver full of arrows... but it doesn't say how many: A small quiver is good, i.e. 2.

I tried handling 3 kids at once. I can't. They were running everywhere also looked like they were going to bang everything down (although they always somehow break in time, I cannot take the stress, Joy can, she's a martian like my mom).

If I have only 1 kid, what if he/she dies in an accident one day? then I will grow old with my wife without any kids!

Therefore, 2 is good. If one of them dies, there is still 1 more to comfort us. If I want more, I would be adopting I guess. It is really something to discuss with my wife. After all, as much as I will be responsible to feed them, she has to give birth to them, and she will be caring for them more of the time than I do.

So as of now, this is the blueprint. I will be changing this idea when something more brilliant pops up, or I'm compelled to subscribe to more plausible arguments.

Hospital

2009-01-26T09:08:00.000-08:00

One day, I went donating blood in SJMC.

One of the staff nurse resigned to join the marketing team in some other company. I wonder how it happened.

2 men in their 40s were lying down opposite me, donating platelets.

Good thing the old nurse was still around, and she recognizes me. The new staff nurse looked okay-pretty. She was chatting away with the 2 men. After 2 minutes, I realized that the 2 men were flirting with the nurse - super disgusting.

One of them was just telling her how much of a businessman he is, how busy he is with so many businesses, about playing golf with clients, and commenting on Federer's tennis strokes.

The winks, the flirting. Stuff like

"Oh, I cancelled all my appointments JUST to come and donate blood. But OF COURSE, this is important. I had to tell my secretary to cancel all my appointments. Good thing my client was good, you know how these businesses relations are SO important, SO MUCH MONEY - but good thing, got a pretty nurse here... SURELY I will come back and donate blood. I'll call SJMC and ask if you are working on that day - if you are here then I will come and donate lah..."

If I didn't have to be responsible for my actions, I would have just walked over and slapped him. I wonder why the nurse was actually entertaining them. Maybe she was really impressed, I don't know. Lying down 10 feet away, it was really like watching chinese drama - in my heart I was just puking.

Until the moment I left the blood bank, the men were still demonstrating their "intelligence". In such situations, I like acting really dumb and ignorant while people make a fool out of themselves. It is funny. Damn funny. Ever see little kids argue about whose LEGO gun is more powerful? It is something like that, just the adult version.

I'm just musing over Christianity - whether the message goes somewhat along the lines of:

"Give up O man, God is all in all - concede your foolish efforts, this is getting nowhere"

Such boasting, while I see that they try so hard to impress... it is not hard to see the insecurity that fuels it as the flames of boasting grows larger and larger. The insecure are impressed by the insecure. The speaker gets puffed up for a moment, the listener is casted into a deeper despair. How idiotic.

Quotes for times like this

2009-01-22T07:19:00.000-08:00

On desiring joy that comes by the pity of his wife after tiring hard work:

"I like sex! but I also want a mother (out of my wife) who would pat me on the head and say: "Oh poor pastor..." I need to repent of that!"

- John Piper

Ah, these are the times I need to find God and discover Him as my joy. I'm feeling tired and exhausted and secretly I am just praising myself for the "good work" I have done. This is something I need to repent of ! and I need to stop lusting for self-pity! I really got to arrange time for solitude with God before much work distract me from the very reason I actually started doing this work.

The Grace of God and the Life of Man

2009-01-19T07:39:00.000-08:00

Since a man cannot, by any means whatsoever, commend himself good enough in any respect - such that no tiny bit of nobility in him can please God with all the strength in him; such that it would be true to say it is God who works and wills in us, which means that it is God who supplies both the desire and the power that we may become acceptable to Him - such that apart of Him, we of ourselves have neither desire or power to please Him:

Since a man cannot do that, how then shall he live in his thoughts that are God-ward? Since that our election is by grace alone, and works have no part of it, such that grace will remain grace from before Creation till Consummation which lasts forever - Does this man therefore ought not to live his whole life unto God being eternally joyful to an unmerited divine choice, in it recognizing the eternal indebtedness that he is in no position to possibly even working out a means to repay.

Since such is the case for this man's relationship with God, how then does it show up in this man's relationship with his fellow men? Since God is One and there is no other, it seeks the soul of the man, asking "What are you doing?" when a man lowers his honor to another man, not out of gratitude toward God, but in a manner, with thoughts knowing that the other man is flattered by such a gesture. Why does the man seek to please another man - not so much an overflowing out of his love for God, but in such a manner that replaces the pleasing of God.

Does he not know in such he is insulting the grace of God and denying God His glory.

Pressure On Every Side

2009-01-18T05:05:00.000-08:00

I just finished the whole "working life" thing which lasted for 6 weeks, I am supposed to have a heavy burden lifted off my shoulders - no?

Well, yes in some ways... I don't have to sit down at office for half a day at least - I gain many hours and save petrol along with toll money.

There are things I lost too. I now don't get to continue to talk to my colleague about Jesus.

I get more time to set appointments to talk with other people about Jesus.

But as I talk to more and more people about Jesus, sometimes we come into conflict simply because Christians have been fed with unsound theology in churches. I have been in that state - and the undoing process is long, tiring, and discouraging. When someone have been believing something for years, it is hard to convince them to believe something else... EVEN if you can prove the truth. In doing that, there are many times I do not know whether God will grant me success in persuading them or not - and in desperation, fearing that I have labored in vain for long wasted hours, I reduce myself to use unfair argument tactics when I only present one side of the coin without spending time to explain why other arguments do not hold water.

When I talk, sometimes I gain people's trust. But as for the older generation, they cannot help but think that I am getting a little unstable in my mind.

"How can you, as a boy, criticize an older pastor's sermon?"

I don't quite know how to answer that. I could choose from one of the four below:

1) Shut up, and present to that person that I am a person who respects older people

2) Shut up, and tell myself that truth does not matter

3) Speak up, and say "Because he is wrong" (and wonder if they are even listening, and give the impression that I disrespect elders)

4) Speak up and say "I don't know, maybe he is right", going against my conscience - hoping that i didn't even criticized at the first place

I chose 3. How usual. Though I wished I could be well received like choosing 1. I don't know. I reasoned to myself that if somebody doesn't get where I am coming from, then saying anything will just risk myself of being misunderstood.

Everybody wants to be loved. I want too. But what do you do when your mom asks you to share the gospel to other people instead of the malay friends you have - she fears for your safety!

In my mind, the same choices go again. And I told my mom she should love God more than she loves me. I don't know if it could be gentler but also telling the truth. I am so sick of having to be nice and gentle in telling things slowly. But I have to, or else no one will listen.

Even for guys, to some extent I feel that many are such a sissy for not being able to handle arguments like a man. Not interested in truth. Not interested in fighting for truth. Not to mention that I have to be even more gentle with girls. I am almost going to die for speaking softly.

I want to shout. This whole battle of suppressing my desire to burst out in anger, this whole battle of being gentle, this whole rage within that desire to shout "WAKE UP YOU IDIOTS!" ... is making me sick. I never really thought that it was this hard to be gentle.

While I know that what I am facing is almost nothing compared to what Christ suffered, I still feel the ache. I pray, but no relief comes - I am not sure if relief should come or not. The best of my brothers and sisters can only tell me to keep pushing on, occasionally correcting me. Like perhaps, I should just shut up when my mom told me not to preach the Gospel to Malays as she fears for my safety.

If I sit down long enough and draw up some equations in my mind, perhaps I could work out what I should or should not have said. But I just feel so sick to even start doing that. I know better than to just rant and look for some self-pity. Although I think I might be involved in it at this very present moment as I type this, I somehow don't want to think that this whole blogging thing is exactly "ranting and searching for self-pity on a global scale".

Maybe I am weak, although I do not like to think of myself that way. I think - it must take quite a lot to be a man. To face it, to feel the pain, and to move on.

Besides this whole thing about facing problems sharing the Bible, ASTRO has also pressured me to secure a good internship if I want to stay in Australia for a few months after I complete my studies. I NEED to get an internship with FOXTEL. Or else I will be wasting something like 1500 dollars for air tickets. They don't know the pressure they are putting on me. I understand that - they are concerned about auditing. In a company of 2500 people, you can't be concerned about everybody can you? Probably not feasible to do so.

But here I am, I have to keep up my grades with this whole final year thesis coming up, and I have to get an internship with FOXTEL. As though one of them is not difficult enough.

In the back of my head, I am thinking... Ah, once ALL of these are over, I will have rest. But from what I learn in life, problems never decrease - as I enter adulthood, they only get more and more complex, as I have to bear more and more responsibilities. As I think of marriage and all the plus points that come with it - well, there is sex. Big thing I don't want to leave out.

But after marriage, i probably won't need to blog these stuff out. I could just tell it to some one. And as I start to think about marriage in a self centered way, I know that such self centeredness not only leads to unrealistic expectations and definite disappointment that results from it.... such self centeredness is so cruel on my wife. It is so cruel that I won't marry me. I like to play with kids, but don't tell me about raising kids. I already have a hard time raising adults.

I see so much self centeredness in such thinking, yet I feel as though if I start thinking more other centeredness, I will just die under the pressure. I have this odd feeling that if that is the choice, then I should just choose to die under the pressure - because somehow I think that God will somehow keep me alive through it.

Here is one of those kind of decisions again - be a man or not to be a man. It just has to be that hard - no? I just want to take a sleep. A deep long sleep.

Don't worry, I'm not ignorant enough to commit suicide. But yes, I need some good rest in my heart. Like, some patting on my head. Like puppies you know. There comes a point in tiredness that I don't quite mind being treated like a dog... I mean, puppy. Here is the road, narrow and steep, and I think that it could only get more difficult as it goes along. I have been ranting about tiredness since a few months ago, I'm amazed I have not collapsed yet.

Coming to think of it, a few months only and I am talking like a childish boy. I must be pretty shameless to start comparing with Jesus just now. Well, whatever. I can't wait for the day to come.

That glorious day that we keep thinking about when we have Holy Communion.

Redeeming Time

2009-01-11T06:48:00.000-08:00

26 February is coming pretty quickly - time is running out. I hope that before I leave for 18 more months, I will be able to share what God has revealed about Himself through the Bible - I will be able to share this with people whom God has given a heart for the Gospel.

I pray that God will give them a taste for heavenly things, a thirst for His Word - to open their eyes to see, and fill their minds with spiritual understanding... not only them, but me too - as we sit down together to drink deep from His Word.

God's Word reveals that "unless the Lord builds the house, the workers labour in vain"... Unless God is in this, I should just give up. What more - what am I expecting to achieve in a mere 7 weeks? But I trust in God that He is behind this, packing up my timetable to sit down with other people to learn from his Word is something that is in line with God's will, just as it is in line with God's will to preach the Gospel.

I will just be a little piece of instrument God uses to make a little dot in the lives I meet - there is little reason to think that my 7 weeks to study God's Word with others is wasted - because really, it is God who is more committed to His work compared to me. And so great is God and His plan, such that even if I can be part of His great plan even in the smallest way, there is such great privilege.

I used to want to be the center of everything, I used to want to bask under the limelight. I am still tempted in that way, but greater is God's grace in me to help me see that to be somehow "lost" in the background of an infinitely greater plan is a greater privilege than to be given the center stage of this world.

As I seek to toil by the strength that He grants me, I know I cannot be given over to the many seductive distractions in life. So subtle are the distractions - such that Jesus' words that calls for our allegiance to Him which ought to be much greater than that of our friends and family - such words become more and more real. It is not so much about choosing plain "good" and "bad", much like choosing "the good" or "the better".

Such busyness also calls for more vigilance. It calls me to depend on God all the more to do His work. Busyness distracts me by its very nature. It is only to easy to let down my guards, and work myself to death forgetting to examine my own heart, whether it is loving ministry more, or God more.

To my Christian brothers and sisters who read this, this is one little thing I would like to ask of you - before you sleep tonight, please take 10 seconds to pray for me? Thats not too much to ask for I hope. I also ought to pray for ourselves, that we may live a gospel centered life, a life that seeks to follow Jesus as Lord, to desire to please God above all things - and enjoying God throughout it all.

A Blessing Undisguised

2009-01-08T21:55:00.000-08:00

As usual, when I arrive at work, I'll just take out the laptop, and greet some people.

[Joel] says: (9:23:19 AM)

good morning :D

-*rachierach*- says: (9:23:46 AM)

hi :)

-*rachierach*- says: (9:23:54 AM)

how you doing today?

[Joel] says: (9:24:16 AM)

today looks pretty bright

[Joel] says: (9:24:18 AM)

[Joel] says: (9:24:26 AM)

i have things lined up

[Joel] says: (9:24:56 AM)

haha, i just hope that unpleasant things won't suddenly just pop up and spoil it:P

-*rachierach*- says: (9:25:47 AM)

that sounds good :)

-*rachierach*- says: (9:26:14 AM)

and if things do pop up we know it would definitely e with reason so its all cool

-*rachierach*- says: (9:26:16 AM)

-*rachierach*- says: (9:26:41 AM)

of course its easy to say and totally another thing to do

I had the rest of my week planned out. I'm pretty excited to be able to meet some old friends, catch up - and find time to discuss and learn about the Bible. I've been wanting to share with friends and family the things I have learnt about the Bible for quite some time.

And so, my planner is now filled up. Can't think of anything better to do. So Thursday had come, and I am supposed to be having dinner with James and talk about some Bible matters. Having plans to look ahead to, I told Rachel that I'm anticipating the day, hoping that no funny things happen to spoil everything.

And so 6 p.m. came, I walked to my car.

*Click*

(Hmm, why isn't the car unlocked..)

*Click* ....*Click Click Click*.....

*Click* x1000

"Shit!"

(Call Mark, call Mark, calm down, call Mark.....)

Joel: "Eh abang, I click the remote control right... the car door not unlocking. So how ah?"

Mark: "Oh, your car battery dead edi..."

(Its good to have some genius friends. You tell them a little bit, they know what is going on)

Here is what happened(which is the only possible thing that happened in my opinion):

It was raining sometime in the afternoon, and there was lightning. The thunder was so loud that it set the car alarm off. Me being in the office and pretty far away from my car, didn't hear a thing - until the alarm drained off my battery.

So, I asked my colleagues to help me jump start the car. Only to realize that without opening the car door, I cannot open the bonnet, and I cannot jump start the car. The problem is this: the keys that I was holding was supposed to unlock the car electronically, and ignite the engine - it couldn't open the car door mechanically. Where were the keys to open the car door?

Well, genius me left it in the car. I never thought I would ever need to use it. Truth be told, I didn't know what the keys were actually for! My dad passed me the remote control along with the set of keys, I just separated them and took the remote control (which has the engine ignition key) It never came across my mind that when the battery goes flat, I would need them.

This meant that I had to go home to take another set of car keys to open the car. And I had to take a KTM from Serdang to Subang Jaya. It was a long long distance. I had to SMS James and told him I couldn't make it today. As I was arranging, I learnt that if I had dinner with him tonight, the meeting could only last a maximum of 90 minutes (which is really short) as he has some errands to do. So I postponed it till Saturday morning, which meant that I would have more time. 2 hours or more I think!

On the way back from KTM, my brother told me that there isn't "another set of car keys" at home. In simple words, my car is totally locked and there is no key to open it. The only thing I could think of is:

a) Break the car glass

b) get a lock smith all the way to Cyberjaya ( convince him it is my car, and help me steal my car)

Both would cost me quite a lot of money. In my mind I was thinking "Oh shit", this is going bad. But I was also remembering the conversation with Rachel in the morning. I convinced myself that this is just to convenient to be an accident - the same morning I said it, it happened. This is the first time in my 3 years of driving experience that I'm encountering it - it is just to convenient for a bad story.

As I was sitting down in the train, I was thinking to myself... perhaps I could use my time wisely. Share the Gospel? Hmm, nah... I can't do follow up and I will leave the person worse than before. So I tried to talk with the person sitting next to me, but the conversation didn't go far. When I switched trains, I got an opportunity to talk to a girl called Nicole. And so I asked her about her work, where she lives, after knowing that she is also getting off the train at Subang Jaya. I got down her MSN, and I look forward to get to know her a little better, and perhaps I might just get the chance to tell her about the God I love.

Before the train arrived, I got a call from Mark. His plan is to help me steal my car, i.e. pick the car lock. Now, you have to know something about Mark. He just finished classes, drove back to Kota Kemuning from Nilai (about 1 hour drive), and he is willing to come to my place (Subang Jaya) to fetch me to Cyberjaya (30 minutes drive) to help me steal my car. You can't get friends like this I tell you.

So while being in his car on the way to Cyberjaya, we were talking about different things. And Mark was telling me that he was having a hard time living with his housemates. By the end of the conversation, I said:

"Eh Mark, after hearing your story right, I become a little less superficial already I think. Next time look for wife, really must marry a good wife ah - if not really suffer. I mean good in heart la. Good wife hard to find"

I'm serious. I'm quite happy that I have good housemates where I stay. mark is a patient guy and he is suffering after living 1 week with his housemates - sadly he is bonded to stay with them for 1 year. I was thinking in my mind, 1 week and it is like that, a life time is going to be hell!

Anyway, we went back to Cyberjaya, and I sat around like an idiot as I see him using some long ruler to try to open the car door, and jump start the car. As he was working with his hands, he was saying:

"Why am I helping a GUY at night ah? Why not a girl ah - haiyooo...."

It reminded me of the many times when I cross the road, I hope that some giant lorry will suddenly turn out of the corner and almost bang a girl.. and then I would dive over, save her and save myself - and she would be so touched. I have been hoping for that day for many years, it never came, and I think it won't. Here is Mark. He helped me with car issues twice, and computer issues also about twice. Too bad, I hope one day some girl's car breaks down and they will call Mark.

After about 15 minutes... *CHAK*

The door opened. In the middle of the night I was (almost yelling):

"Fuiyoh!!! Genius la you, damn canggih man. If I am a woman I will marry you lah! Really one, but I am not a woman lah"

After that, we went back to Subang for mamak, which was also quite good as we talked even more. In my mind I was thinking, "not a bad day at all!". After all, I got to extend the appointment duration with James, catch up with Mark, and get into contact with Nicole. Honestly, I feel very privileged to have more opportunities. I don't want to lock myself out of the car again, but I do hope that more things like that will happen.

Office Times

2008-12-30T03:02:00.000-08:00

26th December

A day after I went fix the roof as some roof tiles somehow were not in place, and it leaked when it rains.

Fikri : "Eh Jo, s'malam Christmas buat ape?"

Joel : "Tak buat ape ape lah, tolong bapa baiki bumbung..."

Fikri : "apasal baiki bumbung tibe-tibe, Santa Claus datang ke..."

Azry : "Eh, Santa Claus tak datang rumah engkau ke?"

Fikri : "Rumah ku takde terowong asap..."

Azry : "Kan ade window, diorang boleh masuk kat tingkap sane la..."

Fikri : "Oh boleh... Eh, tak 'leh, rumah ku ada grill. Nak masuk pun tak boleh jugak..."

Ah... its good to have colleagues like these, no? Anyway, click here for an article of how Saint Nicholas became Santa Claus, how people came to think that he enters the chimney, and how the holiday became a remembrance for Jesus' birth!

30th December

While my colleagues and I went down to the canteen for a drink, to find that our manager and 2 other senior engineers were also having a drink there...

Keh: "Eh, You orang ada pergi mana countdown ah? Dataran Merdeka? KLCC? I kasi tau you hor, tak payah pergi lah. Nak tengok fireworks, boleh tengok TV. Dataran Merdeka ada, KLCC ada"

Fikri: "haha... banyak channel jugak. ASTRO kan..."

after a few seconds...

Sheikh: "Kalau hujan macam mane?" (for those who have no idea, ASTRO doesn't work well when it rains due to an effect called rain fade which degrades the signal quality)

Keh: "Sana pun hujan ma.."

after a few seconds...

Keh: "Boleh pasang terrestrial antenna mah!" (this implies that we can receive the signal at least from the non-ASTRO channels)

Azlan: "Dah tak tengok(TV1, 2,3,8,9) lah. Lepas pasang ASTRO, mana ada tengok"

I think it is quite an "engineer thing" to take things that technical... and take supposedly-jokes that seriously. Oh well, its good fun to have colleagues like these.

Not in Vain

2008-12-27T21:58:00.000-08:00

It has been 5 weeks since I landed in Malaysia. I landed in Malaysia with big ideas of wanting to bring the newfound theology I learnt from the Bible back to church.

I was thinking that perhaps, by sending books and audio sermons, and presenting the "different Joel" to the church leadership, they might just be persuaded. I thought that to persuade them to read the Bible for what it is was simple: to go through verse by verse, to read the passage in context was a very appealing thing to do.

Well, it wasn't. I now know again what it is like to have ideas just being patronized. Email replies that were just send to acknowledge you - saying "Yes, I received your email or your opinion". To some extent, I expected that - but I'm in for some good surprise.

Most of the "higher position" people in church would continue of with their agenda... but there are personal friends in church, not exactly my superior in church leadership - they became interested in what I wanted to say!

But before going into that, lets start with home!

I have been sharing difficulties I encountered in sermons with my mother, and we discussed them with the Bible open. Then I prepared a quarter of my Christmas talk with my mother, and teaching her how to understand the Bible in context and make sense out of different verses at the same time. I got her some good Christian books and she is reading them - and as time passes, she is learning how to read the Bible for herself instead of just having to rely on a preacher on the stage to tell her what the Bible means. She is more and more convinced, and she is supportive of what I'm supportive now. Having said that, every time I talk with her, I wanted her to know that she didn't have to take my word as truth, but that she could find the truth in the Bible - and she did and continues to do so!

Besides my mom, it is my colleagues. After knowing that I'm a Christian, they asked me different things about the Bible (we did not steal time from the company to discuss these things, just in case you are wondering if I am talking about Bible things when I actually should be working - the answer is no, I did it after work was completed).

How could it be authentic? Isn't the Quran more reliable? How could God be "Father, Son and Holy Spirit" but still be one God? Why can't Jesus just be a man? What about Prophet Muhammad?

And from simply having to reply questions, I got to explain different things about Christianity even clearer, and in the process, explain who Jesus is, and why we ought to become Christians.

Besides colleagues, I also got to share with church friends. Pointing out different areas of doubt about the sermons, highlighting different parts where the Bible was taken out of context to just support an argument of theirs - I got the opportunity to explain about how the whole Old Testament of the Bible is actually about Jesus. How good and proper understanding of the Bible will lead to good interpretation - and how all these motivates us to truly love and fear God. My friend is interested to know more, and I am happy - because it is not easy to find people who love God's Word more than their pastor!

Then besides my colleagues, there are Nepali security guards, I know that there are some Nepali Bibles around, perhaps I could get my hands on some of them and give them to the security guards. And perhaps if they have difficulty reading it, I could arrive early for work to explain to them! I haven't done it yet, but it looks possible.

Besides the security guard, now I'm trying to get to the music leader in church. Sometimes I just find that the Christian songs we sing are so void of meaning. Only filled with words like "i praise you Lord, I love You, I worship You, I give You my life", otherwise, it is meaningless. Therefore, I'm recommending songs that have more content, that would help us reflect on more Christian things - the cross, Jesus, God's Word, etc... as we sing. I hope we will sing new songs, that would be helpful in helping us understand God better.

As if these were not enough, I'm happy to see some friends who have came back from Australia, seeking to do Christian Work in Malaysia. It is such a joy to see them, to hear the reports of their labours, and of God's faithfulness in providing them with opportunities to share the Bible - and then also to discuss with them how to rejuvenate Malaysian churches.

It was really discouraging before this, but God has given me the opportunity to see that these labours are not in vain. I know some Christian friends who are trying to do the same thing, but they have yet to see the fruits of their labour -

I ask these friends not to give up. We sow the seeds everywhere, and God will choose to grow whichever that He desires. Whether the fruit bears in our garden, or in another brother's garden, we rejoice. Talk for me now is easy, because I see fruits. But I'm pretty sure it will not be long that I will be discouraged in many ways, but it is all worth giving thanks for.

Thinking back (I think I said this elsewhere before), out of 10 Christians I know back in high school, only 2 are still Christians. They were the CF president, they were the little teachers, they were... and they WERE. It is sad and discouraging. But we still move on sharing the Gospel, because God still have lost children out there - just waiting to be found.

Preach it Brother!

2008-12-20T04:22:00.000-08:00

One night, when I was talking with another pastor in a private conversation and told him that there were things that could be improved in his sermon, and listed out some things specifically.

Admittedly, I wasn't as gentle as I should have been. This was somewhat the reply I got:

Knowing the facts is one thing, and communicating the facts is quite another. Maybe you should try preaching one day.

Being 20 years old, this was some exciting stuff. It was like "Oh yeah, you want to challenge me?" in my mind. Then I came to my senses a little later.

"Joel, you couldn't be that childish can't you? You want to learn to preach so that you can prove yourself worthy? No Joel, don't be that stupid"

It has been a week or so since that incident.

Last Friday, I got an opportunity to share from the Bible to a small group of 30 people. I vividly remember that I got 2 other opportunities to speak last time - I was just babbling from my own experience, and trying to make some sense out of the Bible as I was speaking. It was horrible.

But this time, as I was preparing the Bible talk for Friday. I was thinking in my mind...

"Joel, this time you have come back to Malaysia after claiming to have received sound teaching from the church in Australia. Serve the people well by sharing the Bible clearly, explaining it plainly and don't twist the Bible to suit your message. Don't shame the people that invested in your life. Gahhh! I'm so nervous"

Well, the Bible talk went quite okay. I made mistakes here and there, but generally it went well - its good to have people who are tolerant with you and put up with your mistakes.

Today, I went to church. I heard the sermon. I thought that there were aspects I couldn't agree with - but this time, I don't want to do the simple work and correct only certain points. What could I do?

The truth of the matter is that I want to learn to share the Gospel clearly, being faithful to the text.

I don't want to be looked down upon also because I am young.

But neither do I want to preach the Gospel to prove myself worthy. I think it is a wrong motive altogether.

So, I think I want to take up the challenge:

Study the same passage that was preached.

Put in time. Take it as a training for the future.

Preach it. Record it. Share it.

This is the current plan now. Am I willing to do it? and stick to it?

Sounds like an exciting challenge if you ask me. I think I want to take it up.

www.success.con

2008-12-10T04:59:00.000-08:00

If you flip through "The Star" Newspapers, no doubt you will find advertisements like:

Are you fearful of the recession?
Do you have a second source of income?

"Get Rich with FOREX"

- Dr. XYZ, BA(Hons), MBA, PhD is an expert in the whole field of Foreign Exchange. For the past 20 years, he has help thousands of people achieve success in their lives, etc etc. Let him teach you the skills that you NEED to SUCCEED in LIFE!

Testimonial by Mr. Chan Ah Beng
This course has made me earn RM15,000 a month by just spending 20 minutes a day!

Testimonial by Ms. Chin Ah Lian
This course has given me financial success, now I can quit my job and stay at home!

or maybe...

Do you know that Success in Education means Success in Life?

Your son/daughter has no motivation in life?

Your children finding no interest in their academics?

Join Mr. Beng's Memory course! Our children can memorize 20 digit numbers at ease, and score for your exams! Let Mr. Beng teach you the principles that your child needs to SUCCEED IN LIFE!

Testimonial by Lee Ah Kau, 12 years old

"I used to score 1 A, now I am scoring 19 As in UPSR!"

Testimonial by Lim Ah Miao, 17 years old

"I used to hate studying, but now I am the top student in school!"

I have went to some of these. But before I give my testimonials to them, please bear with me for a while - consider my experience and credential.

2 Business/Life Concept courses

1 Self-Esteem/Motivation course

1 Options/FOREX course

1 Creativity/Memory course

These courses would sum up to about RM20,000. These course have led me to talk business with 1 CEO and 1 Director of different companies. Both are multimillion dollar companies. Well, my proposals didn't get through, but it was a good try. To give them their credit, my academics are pretty good - and I can memorize quite well.

This is not to boast - and there isn't much point in doing so, because anybody who knows me knows that I am nowhere near "SUCCESSFUL" as far as the advertisements define. It seems that every other course has promised you SUCCESS in LIFE! In my better moments, I really feel that these things have somehow given me a successful life...

However, in my more sober moments, I know that these things mean very little

For the advertisers...

It seems as though an increase in self-esteem will lead to success.

Or increase in memory will result in success.

Having lots of money will give you success.

Really?

I don't doubt that many people out there think that these things will give them lasting happiness somehow - though perhaps many of us doubt that secretly inside our hearts.

When I was in high school, Success meant marrying the hottest girl in school and having lots of money to spend, with a lot of people envying and respecting me. I catch myself thinking like that often - even these days. I know some braver friends who admits it, and I know tons of friends who are more shy who would not admit it.

What is success in life?

Success is like the IN-word, the BUZZ-word for all time. Everybody wants to be successful in life, well... maybe. But I don't know anyone who wants to be a failure in life. In aiming to be successful in life, many have tried all sorts of "successes".

Money.

Girls.

Sports.

Climb to the top of the corporate ladder.

Top the university.

Get famous.

In the end, what? Tell me, what? Many of us have grown "wiser" to realize that there ain't to many spots for a "future Bill Gates". Easier alternatives are cheap beer and free internet porn. They seem to be more convenient time-killers. But as the years go by, many have become indifferent to the question

"What is this success in life that I yearn so much for?"

But that is okay. The business people aren't really interested in answering your question anyway. After figuring out that they are also confused with the issue...

"Hey, why not make money in the process?"

Hence - success courses. Let me be frank with you, of the people I have known or asked, none of them gives a clear answer. Forget about a good one. See, there are these "spiritual" and "philosophical" people who also got confused with the issue...

"Hey, why not make the question more complicated?"

I hate to say this. But since the media is pushing so much sex, the major shareholder of the future - the youths are "enlightened" by MTV...

" F*** success... wait... to get to F*** is SUCCESS "

I was in form 3 when I first heard from a girl telling me how she got "scored" by another guy. That guy must be pretty successful in the eyes of many high schoolers. I can testify to that. Talk about peer pressure at 14.

Then again, as time goes by - we learn how fleeting these moments are. Fleeting, like the mist in the morning that appears for a little while, then gone.

I have heard the "happy family" theory too. They tell me fun friends and a close family is the "genuine" success. This is a little more tricky. The more innocent it sound, the trickier it is. I want to ask the people who told me these things whether it is consistent with the their experience in life - is it such a good definition that can apply to all humanity at all times... being all sufficient. I've learnt that the people who always look most innocent and blur, and probably worse off than those who reveal it on the outside.

Like Chinese you know?

Let me start off with this. I work with Malay colleagues. They are decently hardworking people. I have hung around Chinese long enough to know that most Chinese think Malays are the laziest people on earth. Ah, but don't forget, I have also hung around Chinese long enough to know that they are so sly that it is hard to catch them slacking off. We are the best actors. Chinese Drama remember? It all started from Hong Kong - Chinese.

Hollywood doesn't know acting for nuts - They know visual effects and the like. But real acting belong to the Chinese, on screen and off screen... Boss around, Boss not around. If Boss cannot catch you slacking off - SUCCESS!

Come on - you and I, and perhaps every other person that you know seem to strive so hard for success in life. Couldn't it bother you to spend a little more time figuring out what success in life is - if it is indeed so important.

Maybe, for a start - to know where you are heading? Why are you heading there? and where are you supposed to head anyway?

Do you?

ANYWAY........

On a happier note,

Something my older sister said made me realize something. It went something like...

"Our language is not broken ( broken english, broken malay, etc), it is unified"

Now, it might sound terribly lame. Lets admit it, we speak broken-whatever.

But for the past 2 days working in Astro (my office being 70% Malays), I have made friends with 3 Malay colleagues.

I used to call friends "fren"..

when I went Australia, I learnt that they call friends as "mates"

now I have a little more Malay friends... the word of the day is "member"

It is amazing, how Malay-English-Cantonese mixed up in one sentence is understood by all 3 major races in Malaysia. Mr. Mamak also knows them.

I hear of some Chinese with political ambitions wanting to unify Malaysia in one way or the other. Most of those I am heard goes something like:

" I will be a top politician... then I will make laws that..."

" I will be a famous (insert-your-white-collar-profession-here)... then I will... "

Self centeredness World Champion... Chinese la...

Well, based on my 2 days experience only... with no political training in any way... the best thing that we Chinese can really do isn't becoming a politician or being famous or whatever to actually create change...

We should just...

Try making some Malay friends.

They are nice people.

Dear Family, I Love You

2008-12-02T07:25:00.000-08:00

I landed in Malaysia on Friday, and went to Cameron Highlands on Sunday. Now, Cameron Highlands is not a terribly exciting place as far as I can remember - but going with my family makes a whole world of difference.

Before going any further, let me highlight a few things. Typical things.

I am a male. I am a Chinese. I am 20 years old.

This means that I am not exactly the kind of person who is super close to the family. While abroad, instead of missing my family... I missed Malaysian food. My grandmother passed away a few weeks before my final exams, and I felt almost no emotion... though I somehow thought that I ought to be sad - but lets face it, I am not an emotional person somehow.

While in Australia, I made up my mind that I need to love my family more when I get back. I need to spend time with them - it might mean very boring things like going fishing with dad. I want to talk with my dad and show him some love. Just when you thought it should actually be an easy thing to do, let me tell you some things about my dad.

My dad is a hard man. He provides for the family, and I see sometime how he puts in effort to show us love. But like a typical Chinese father... discipline is what he is good at, soothing words of encouragement is... it is.... YUCK. I can't imagine my father doing that. But he is a responsible father. You get it. The nicer words come from the mother.

Bottom line is this, I know it is the right and good thing to love and respect my parents although I'm not emotional over it. I know it, I just have to do it even though I don't feel like it.

I anticipate this trip to be good - I can learn to love my parents by giving them my time. Besides that, my aunt and my cousin from singapore is coming in with 4 little children. My nephews and nieces. The last time I actually had a family trip of 13 people was probably when i was 3 or 4 years old. It blows my mind how little time we actually spend together as a family.

Before the story gets interesting, let me try to introduce to you all my family - and everybody in this trip.

Dad and niece(Shannon)... Left to Right (Duh!)

Cousin, little nephew, mom, Big Aunt (pardon the direct translation from Cantonese)

Brother, his girlfriend, sister, nephew(Yong Wei), niece(Shannon), me , mom...

little niece (Ying Si) in front

(Ahh, a clearer shot!)

Ying Si, Little Aunt, and my Kakak - Ning

(the housemaid for the lack of a better term)

me, mom, sister

Pardon me for the not-so-clear shots, I know you probably read many "chick blogs" and they have clear pictures - you can't compare me with them, they practice their photo taking skills all the time: On food, in changing rooms, in toilets, in cars (while their boyfriend is driving)... The thing is this - I don't.

Like I said, Cameron Highlands isn't a terribly exciting place. So there aren't many beautiful pictures in this post... The main characters in this post are my nephews and nieces. For some reason that I am not clear of, my cousins' families aren't that well. They are divorced.

Ying Si and Wen Kai is supported by a single mother, i.e. my cousin.

As for Yong Wei and Shannon, both of their parents are absent.

My cousin has to work, so she could earn enough to feed her kids. Now if you would ponder and think, you would work out that SOMEBODY has to take care of the 4 kids. Let me introduce you the superheroine

my Big Aunt (In Cantonese, a.k.a Tai Ku Ma)

To make matters more challenging. Besides taking care of 4 kids, she is 67 years old. As if that is not difficult enough, my little nephew Wen Kai suffers from some unknown brain issue... Whatever it is called, he probably has the intelligence of a kid a third of his age.

Their mother (my cousin) has spent a significant amount of money to find a cure for Wen Kai, but things just doesn't seem to work... However, Wen Kai has improved significantly over the years, although the sickness is around. He could at least walk now, and do a few more things.

During the trip - When it was near bed time, my mom and I sat around Big Aunt to listen to her stories raising up the children. It is hard work. Raising one is hard. There are four of them. If their parents were all around, the income of 2 families would be able to support them... but instead of 2 families, it is down to a single mother who is the bread-winner. My uncle (who would be older than 67) did not join us in this trip - he is still working... the economy is bad, he fears that taking leave from the boss will make him lose his job.

I don't know how my cousin would feel raising up Wen Kai, having no guarantee that he will be cured one day - good enough to take care of himself. Everybody seems to be in deep stress, and they survive from one day to the other. I suppose their source of strength comes from their love for the kids. Maybe they are just doing what they need to do.

After the trip, Big Aunt expressed gratitude to my dad for planning this trip, to bring the kids out for a holiday. She was crying as she said her thanks. Seriously, I have no idea how much it meant to her. But somehow, I know it means a lot. She loves the kids, but the demands of life are unmerciful.

As I ponder over all these, I am reminded of my dreams of being famous, rich, respected, etc etc. They all seem so childish now. No, they are not childish... they are self centered. Yes, self-centered and selfish. Without saying anything, my Big Aunt's life shame me, as well it should. Her selfless service challenges my desire to indulge in the passing pleasures of this world. It has occured to me that I am already much more privileged than many people in the world who has to scrape the ground to search for food.

There is a Chinese saying that goes like this :

Living in prosperity yet not recognizing it

Life just isn't fair - isn't it? There are people like me who has enough money to spend, more than enough time to waste... and there are people slogging their whole lives so that they can meet ends. Perhaps, something is expected of me. As the Bible puts it: to him whom much has been given, much more will be expected. Spiderman stole it.

Now that I think of it, I remember Jesus who died as a criminal. Jesus - the Saviour of the World who laid down His Life so that our sins could be forgiven by God... Jesus was charged as a criminal who was rebelling against the Roman Government - through the hands of wicked men who framed Him as a blasphemous person... He was nailed on the cross. He could have gave up half way, but He went through all that was necessary for me, for you, for the whole world. Jesus counted the Joy of saving the world greater than the suffering and humiliation He had to go through.

Here am I, calling myself a Christian. My plan - as much as possible - is to spend the rest of my life preaching the Gospel, and to spend my money for the sake of telling others about Jesus. God's love gives me a taste for heavenly things: Without God, I could love no one, but only fall in love with my sin... digging my own grave.

Having planned out my life IN DETAIL...The next step is the hard part.

Joel

while you still can.

The time will come when everything is over, and you will meet your Maker - it won't be too late to take a rest and enjoy at that time. For now, work - rain or shine, work for the things that will matter for eternity.

A Little Note to You

2008-11-30T00:35:00.000-08:00

Hey Joel,

I'm pretty happy for you today. You stood up and spoke what is necessary. You sent out the letters that need to be sent, and you are starting to think the way you ought to. Don't be afraid, don't be shy - you are no more a boy, you are a young man.

Do the right thing, respect your elders, but do not be afraid to speak the truth. You can be mocked, you can be ridiculed - but speak the truth. You have been in situations where you had to made your stand where there were none called Christians, but today, you will bear witness to Christians. If you have to speak out, speak it out.

Be a man, do the right thing - even if it costs you everything.

I know you long for someone to do this with - but though none go with you, still you must move on. Believe me, God will not leave you alone. Truth matters Joel, without truth - there is nothing. Nothing. You will do well if you hold on to the truth.

Yourself,

Joel

P.S. Don't get puffed up.

The Australian Experience

2008-11-25T05:48:00.000-08:00

Its been 9 months already since I went to UNSW to study. When I entered it, I thought I would go in - join some clubs that would teach me campaigning skills, debating skills, shape my political mindset, and of course get my degree done with flying colours. Perhaps know people all over the world who would shape my mindset positively on whatever areas in life.

Pretty much what your parents expect of you.

Sometimes they say it out, sometimes they don't.

Well, it turned out that I had to slog to just get revision done, and besides church - have no more time for whatever clubs. But I did get everything I wanted, and more.

I learnt that it is possible for a culture of "esteeming people of all professions equally" to exist. The construction workers dress well. The gardener and the garbage man greets you with a smile. It was weird initially for me, but I slowly caught up and learnt to say hello to strangers - with a smile... to hear them reply back "G'day !"

Now back in Malaysia, I remember to greet the waiters, smile at the janitor, and say thank you to shopkeepers.

Meeting the lecturers, I have learnt that it is possible to be patient enough to repeat what you just said more than 3 times and not blow up. They are happy to hear my questions, and they rejoice when I make progress.

Now I have learnt to be a little more resistant to the kind of irritation that comes by being bombarded with questions - and be a little more patient. I also learnt not to rejoice at a genius only, but to rejoice when an ordinary person makes progress.

I learnt from the pastors to be diligent in studying the Bible - people might need guidance and ask questions at unexpected times. They are able to piece together different parts of the Bible and put it in an understandable way that is helpful to the hearers... instead of just giving a moral lessons based on some verses they pick out.

Now I learnt that a better understanding of the Bible also means a better understanding of ourselves, the trials that we go through, how to relate to others, and to make sense of this world we live in - economically, politically, and whatever nots.

I also met humble people - who is slowly influencing me to stoop a little lower. Humble people who makes my ego and pride look like pure stupidity... in a loving way.

Besides that, a little time off from people I am close to has made me realize what strings are controlling my life. There are some strings that need strengthening, some need to be cut off.

Of course, I also learnt to cook, do laundry, clean up, and be disciplined.

When I sit down and think, and look around...

Countless friends have strayed away from Jesus.

8 out of 10? Maybe more.

But by some seemingly natural arrangement, I end up being surrounded by people whose zeal for God is only surpassed by their humility to share it with me. I learnt that in life, somethings just can't be repaid. We are just filled with gratefulness and know that it is only right that we pass it on. I also learnt that a lot of things can die off when we are contented with just talking.

God is good. How I wish that everybody can know this good God.

When you don't know how long you will live, you know that it is never too early to do the important things in life that need to be done in life. I hope that I will be a preacher next time, and watch the effect of Jesus' death and resurrection continuing to change the world.

Hello Mc. University

2008-11-18T07:13:00.000-08:00

I hope I don't get kicked out of university for this.

Who would guess that I could dig out dirty things like CORRUPTION in university over lunch? Well, not that it was too hard. In fact, I didn't have to dig it, my friend just plainly told me about the corruption plainly... and enthusiastically.

To give some idea to what I might be talking about, lets talk about getting a professorship - like getting Prof. Joel Lee...

It takes quite a bit to go from getting a PhD to getting a Professorship. Just as there is a corporate ladder from slave to CEO,

1. There is a ladder in the university.

Get a PhD

Lecturer

Senior Lecturer

Associate Professor

Professor

Yes, the bottom of the ladder is a PhD.

2. A professor cannot be fired from their position

To grant a person professorship is to acknowledge that they have made significant contribution over the years to the field that they are in. A committee in the university decides whether they should (or not) award professorship to lecturers.

3. The criteria to pick lecturers promotion includes things like :

a) Ability to teach

b) Research capability

c) Contribution to the field

d) And other related things

Now that we are familiar with the basics:

Of course, the world would be a better place if everything goes accordingly. But we know we live in a pretty messed up world - there are professors who do not deserve their title, and there are those who slog for nothing.

I know of a lecturer who cannot teach, and it is famed among the PhD students that he couldn't care less about the work that the PhD students under his supervision does.

His name is...

Professor ...

Somebody

I wouldn't reveal his name of course! You want me to get kicked out of University?

Oh wait, shit. I'm not supposed to hint you which...

Well, one of the reasons he is still around is that he is a professor and he can't be fired.

But the main reason is probably because he has PhD students under him that keep churning out research papers for him. Let me do some explanation:

Every year, Universities are allocated a certain amount of money by the government for research purposes. This money is called a research grant.

The amount of research grants that a university gets is directly proportional to the amount of research they can do - which is the amount of research publications that they can have. One of the main factors that determine University rankings is the research.

When you are a Professor and PhD students work under your supervision , you get to share their research paper - as though you jointly researched the issue with him. Some professors DO work together in the research, others simply just don't. This means, as long as your student churns out papers, the University will recognize YOUR contribution to help them get grants and improve their rankings.

Do I have to mention that the criteria to promote a lecturer now is a load of trash? Well, not totally trash. But it is just terribly different from what it ought to be like.

Anyway, back to Professor Somebody.

He doesn't even KNOW what is the title that his PhD student is producing - it is not like he could care any more about it.

He gets his salary from the University anyway since he can't be fired.

The university loves him because he brings in the money.

He can't teach (he could be a genius for all I care) - but it is okay since he has some pretty genius PhD students.

Well, I'm mentioning one of the worse ones. There are good lecturers that I have.

He started teaching in University in his 20's. Almost 30 now, and the students in the School of Electrical Engineering knows his capability.

Graduated from Physics, but he is as competent (if not more competent) if compared to other engineering lecturers. Math Olympiad. He does good programming, physics, statistics, calculus, and of course engineering. He sets one of the toughest exam papers, his assignments are killers. But this is one thing I really appreciate about him...

He gives his time to his students. He is ALWAYS open for consultation. He explains things carefully and patiently when I don't understand. The last time I wanted to ask him about something, he was on his way out of his office, so we talked about my academics stuff as we took a walk around university. He bought me coffee as we sat down to talk.

Where do you get this kind of lecturers?

If anybody should be a professor, he should be a professor

Well, he is not. He is loaded with work and he has very little time to do the research that he wants to. I know geniuses having weird hobbies like research - but he doesn't get to enjoy the hobby he deserves.

I believe, part of the fault is because our businessman-Chancellor's board is allocating extra money to the business school instead of the engineering school.

Well, it is easier to churn money out of the business school. They don't need any equipment, and everything is profit! Unlike the field I am in, you need equipment and people who knows how to use the equipment. You may be a genius, but you still need to technical knowledge to make a machine work.

Its just about the money isn't it?

The happiness is just a trick!

The happy meal is

$5.95

(5.95 x 2.4 > RM14)

not so happy

Last semester, I had a Cambridge PhD teaching me. Let me tell you, his teaching is hopeless. Any lecturer is better than him. He speaks monotonously to himself during class and sets low grade exam papers which are just a copy and paste of past year exam questions.

Oh wait, maybe it was the Professor Somebody who set the papers since they both teach the same subject!

What kind of Electrical Engineering students do they let into top universities?

Its stupid.

Rowan Atkinson studied Electrical Engineering in Newcastle, continued his MSc in Oxford. Yes, Bean is an Oxford grad.

Just when you thought getting a research paper published couldn't be worse - Many times, research publications are accepted because the editor of the journal gets a part of it. Or rather, they can be rejected because the editor was not given an intellectual property bribe.

The editor of a research journal (who resides in Denmark) just somehow appears along with the other 3 researchers in a Korean University (who actually did the real work). Of course, the editor gets the fame and the benefits that come with it. If the Korean researchers didn't "bribe" the editor, perhaps their paper wouldn't even be reviewed (to be considered for acceptance). It works both ways.

Call me naive, but I did expect less corruption in the academic field. I suppose that I have matured a little bit more in my expectations of the institutions in this world.

The best of them are terribly flawed.

The reason I typed this out - is not so much about me being shocked that such a thing could actually happen. Rather, I am typing this out... never expecting corruption to be so common. Well, I know we Malaysians constantly complain that Malaysian ministers are corrupted. We complain that the police force is corrupted. But it works both ways. Supply and demand.

Corruption being so common, I wouldn't be surprised that we might be involved in cases like these one day - if we have not already bribed the policeman the last time we were caught for speeding.

Or perhaps, when we bought pirated VCD... I mean DVD. Technically, we have already taken part with the people who robbed, stolen, bribed and did whatever necessary to get DVDs for 5 dollars each. We just happened to be at the other end of the process. To deny it is to somewhat say the thief didn't rob, the robber didn't lie, the liar didn't bribe - and the buyer didn't know.

As much as I write this, in my heart despising some of the people who has tarnished the once good name of the world of academia - I write this with some knowledge that I have done similar things... just that it was of a slightly smaller scale and nobody cared to talk about it anyway. If I could only see wickedness as it is, without being biased for the scale of wickedness - I would despise myself.

However, the rampant corruption has also helped me to appreciate people who worked against the flow and go unappreciated. Thank you Mr. Unappreciated Lecturer for your dedication.

Its a shame that it would be safer for me that I cannot tell the whole Cyberworld how wonderful a lecturer you are. to save my ass.

Thats just how things go - in the midst of me pointing fingers at others, I realize that I am not spared from the same charges.

Jesus - who sits on the Judgement Throne sees everything.

Worries and Spending Money

2008-11-13T05:16:00.000-08:00

After sleepless nights worrying about sitting for the exam itself, I no longer worry about them anymore - since they are over. Just before I shout Yippee!!! too fast - one of the things that wake me up (before the exams were over) is a small little voice at the back of my head...

"Joel, do you think they will moderate the marks for your Mathematics and Control Systems paper?"

"Do you think if you did well for your Electronics paper, the marks will compensate for those you loss in the earlier papers?"

Now that exams are over, I can't shout Yippee!!! either, because now another subject wakes me up...

"Joel, do you think your Mobile and Satellite Communications paper will make up for the marks you lost?" - "You really did make tons of careless mistakes!"

This little voices that wakes me up drives me crazy. Yet, deep within my heart, I didn't want such things to make me go crazy. It feels as though I am placing too much emphasis on my studies - so much so that I am depraving myself of setting my priorities right in life. This is no good, I start taking things for granted - and forget to be happy about the things I ought to be very thankful for.

After reading the Bible, I learn that my goal in life is not to live a life that is "successful" as the world measures it. Neither should I continue thinking of God as one who supports my fanciful fantasies of fame, success, wealth, and whatever-nots. I remember sending my mother an sms right before my final exam. She replied very quickly saying things like -

"I claim the promises of God for you! That Jesus will help you through every battle! You will conquer them in Jesus name!"

Things along those lines. The "battles in life" that she was mentioning was an exam paper...

I realize that it must be difficult for her to come to terms with the Bible - that "battles in life" isn't about academic or career success. I find it difficult too. It revealed itself when I started neglecting God as the exams pile up. I pray so much more at the examination table than my whole week outside the exam hall summed up.

What has my life become? What has my aim in life become? What has my knowing of God become? Is "battles in life" reduced to simply an endless pursuit of my fancies? What then is the difference between me as a Christian and a non-Christian?

I know the answers as to what I ought to do. And making a U-turn in my heart, to realize my faults, to own it up, and to commit myself to a clear and rational mind that desires God above everything I hold dear to (my studies, my dream-future-wife, my reputation, my petty selfish fears)...

That journey that I am somewhat familiar with, is one of the longest journeys I have ever taken in my life. This is one battle in my life. One I have to fight. Talk about fighting for someone you love - I'm far from being as noble as that, I am fighting for my very own humanity.

Its not even fighting, its really owning up - and admit that I have been living careless, and to turn around. Some... Many people think I overreact/overrespond, but if we look at our lives carefully, we will always notice that the many pitfalls we get ourselves into always started with the first wrong step. Too few things in life happen suddenly. Yet somehow, when God opens our eyes to see our faults, we get surprised. I am an idiot for that, but thank God for helping me realise that.

So often, I see the mistakes that I make in others. So often, I want to warn them and correct them - desiring that they would not fall into the things I fall into... but I know my life fails to be a good testimony. But that is also good, then they know I am not trying to teach them as a teacher, but warning them as a brother.

Talking about brothers - I remember some pretty wise saying from my older brother - Noel Lee Chee Leong

He said
"You must learn how to spend money more than how to
earn money"

I asked
"Why?"

He replied
"If you can't find a good reason to spend your money, why would you want to earn any money?"

My brother loves me, and protects me - I thank God for him. More than that, I hope my brother will come to know Jesus.

I'm heading back to Malaysia in about a week. There are so many things I learnt here in FOCUS. I doubt 3 months in Malaysia would be anywhere near sufficient to share the many experiences trying to live a Christian life I had with my friends and family. So much to do, so little time.

To make up for that, I bought books. Books that I would speak of as "I readeth, therefore I am". They are books with the very ideas that make me who I am. Well written by fellow Christians, explaining the Bible clearly and accurately.

I bought more than 30 books.
Its crazy.
It costs crazy too.
But it is worth it.

There are those for my dad, some for my mom.
Some for my pastors, some for my friends in church.
A little more for my special friend not in church.

Being as self centered as I am, I'm pretty glad that God gives me some good desires.

What more can I desire for my dad to come to know Jesus?
I desire the same thing for my mother, my sister, and my brother.

I truly desire my pastor to preach the Bible well - so that many more may come to know the Wonderful Saviour of the world - Jesus my God and King. I desire for my Christian friends to know Jesus more, to give their whole lives to Jesus, and to run this race on earth well.

I desire that my friends who are not with Jesus, to find out about this Jesus that died for their sins, my sins and the sins of the world.

Its crazy for me speak in this way and to say out what the kind of "Christian" desires. I know my life doesn't match it. I would despise myself if I saw myself in some other body. But because I am myself, I don't quite despise myself that much. The longer I live, the more my eyes grieve as I see myself in my short comings.

When I thought I was less materialistic, when I thought I was more patient and loving - how much further can I be from the truth! It is despairing.

The good thing is that I know I don't have to be fatalistic about this - I have Jesus. The whole idea that Jesus will continue to do His work in my heart so that I will become more and more like him - its so simple, its almost something that my pride cannot take. But I better do.

I'm so glad that I can spend money buying Christian books, I'm even more glad that I can practice Christianity... Jesus-ianity... Yeah...

There is this little voice that crosses my head every now and then...

I may board the aeroplane, but God knows if it will crash,or there will be some terrorist, or whatever - and I may not land where I want to. Maybe I will land where I want to, but maybe in more than one piece. If that happens, I have wasted such a big chucnk of my life thinking of things I ought not to be thinking about, and wasting time as I ought not to be wasting - the books that I bought, I will never be able to read them. My family will cry... Maybe some friends.I.Hope.Maybe.Maybe not.

If there is any better time to take the U-turn, it must have been yesterday.

Toilet Horror

2008-11-09T20:29:00.000-08:00

Being a good and exam-stressed-out-student

I realize sometimes,

taking notes into the toilet to study single mindedly and being oblivious to the surroundings might not be the best thing to do ...

No, I didn't lay an egg...

It was a million times worse...

Horror of horrors...

I have an exam tomorrow afternoon

Can I Grow Up To Be Obama?

2008-11-09T14:38:00.000-08:00

There were times when I would sit down and start wondering about different things in life, and I think to myself... what a wonderful world ♫

"Wouldn't it be great if Jesus was just sitting beside me, and I can ask him a million questions!"

Well, obiously, I can't actually do that. Certain things are just not in the Bible, like...

I would be praying,

"Dear God, I wonder who will I marry?"

(silence)

(more silence)

(even more silence)

zzzZzzzZZ

So, the next best thing you have is your pastor. When you have dinner with church mates along with your pastor, you start asking difficult questions. If God doesn't tell you, and if you can't find it in your Bible, and if your pastor doesn't know - it is probably some mysterious thing you shouldn't know.

LIKE WHO YOU WILL MARRY A FEW YEARS DOWN THE ROAD

WHY IS YOUR LECTURER SO BORING

WHY DO WE HAVE 2 EYES AND NOT 3 EYES

WHY CAN'T MEN GET PREGNANT

WHO WILL WIN TOMORROW NIGHT'S SOCCER MATCH

Well, only the first question. The others were just cover up questions. Its funny, when I hear a peer asking for advice from Josh.

Peer:

"Josh, what do you do - I mean, I have a friend, and he wants to ask a girl out but he doesn't know what to do, if you were him, what would you do?"

Josh:

"You mean you want to ask a girl out..."

But yeah, I asked Josh about American politics.

I shared to Josh that the tone Obama used before and after his victory was very different. So did Mccain and his defeat.

Before Obama won, we said so many "positive" things.

Together, we will bring change to Washington.

Open up possibilities.

Inspire the crowd.

Before Mccain lost, he said things like

"We will definitely win this race"

"We won't let a Socialist run this country"

After Obama won, it went like

"It (the change) might not be seen in a year, not even a term"

although things like

"Yes, we can!"

were still around.

Joel:

"Those speeches, I know he wants to inspire the crowd. But speaking in such a way as though they can literally do ANYTHING just isn't true. I mean, yes, ALL things are possible, IF you vote me, IF the cabinet is very cooperative, IF no other regular disasters strike America, IF this and IF that - there are a million conditions"

" Just like Mccain talking about winning - I know they (Obama and Mccain) wants to win and they want to persuade the crowd to vote for them. But how can they possibly both win and speak in such a way? It feels like lying - all the promises before and after the election"

"It seems as though, if they didn't said such things which were very much like those 'self-fulfilling prophecies' (you pronounce a wish, and you do your best to keep to it, and if you succeed, then you have fulfilled your own prophecy... part of the trick is to pronounce the wish in such a way as if it must happen, IT MUST HAPPEN! and hope that you will somehow be inspired to persevere - it is just another word for self-motivation I think) - IF they didn't say it, forget about being President, they might not even get to become a Senator. With that in mind then, how can it be possible that a Christian who wants to be true to his conscience and to God - speak truthfully to the crowd?"

" I know that in the speaker's mind - he knows the million "IFs". But in his speech, he mentions almost none of the little footnotes! I know the people who listens to Obama are not entirely stupid, and they - to some extent - know some of the footnotes. But the whole thing about not mentioning the little warning signs just feels very deceitful"

"To take it to a more personal level. If you are the coach of a soccer team - you gotta tell them ' WE WILL WIN THIS MATCH GUYS! YOU CAN DO IT!' its the kind of pep talks you just gotta say

(some of the words were actually by Josh, I just wrote them as everything said by me as it is hard to type out a full 10 minutes conversation)

Well, that wasn't exactly the conversation. But that was the idea. Josh agreed on the fact that it also happens when you want to encourage your son - "Go Jordan, you can do it!". He pondered over the fact if saying such things that Obama spoke : can it be considered an outright lie? or not?

This scene reminds me very much of Batman - when Two-Face held the wife and the kids of Mr. Inspector-Guy in ransom.

Two Face said something like:

"Tell your kids everything is going to be fine. LIE! LIE AND TELL THEM EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE!"

The fact is this. Nothing is fine. Batman could have arrived 1 second late. Well, of course, in movies, he can't. But in real life, sometimes somebody dies because the ambulance arrived a little to late. A bank is robbed and robbers get away because the police is too late.

In a real world, certain things just can't be promised for sure.

Josh said that he will think through it. I look forward to his answer.

US Elections and Exams Must be Clouding My Mind

2008-11-05T13:50:00.000-08:00

I went shopping.I saw a section for stationery.

And guess what they sold?

UNSW Past Year Exam Papers that comes with SOLUTIONS!
I saw the '04, '05, and '06 papers! ( In the real world, we students don't get access to ALL of the past year papers )

How AMAZING. Now I can be more prepared for my final examinations.

Then I entered into a high school, SMKSJ. Many of the students joined the LEO club.

LEO club was actually not the normal LEO club that we know, but it was actually a REPUBLICAN Political party.

Lee Kuan Yew was actually from the LEO Club in that school and the Principal of the school was a member of the Parliament. Many of the students that attended the school are actually students with political ambitions - probably to take over the country, studying was just a cover up.

Then... I woke up.

ANYWAY, the main point of this post is a pretty good article in Facebook from my High School friend

Cheng Leong

It is about the US Elections

Here goes:

For many including myself, Barack Hussein Obama's victory in his campaign for the 44th US Presidency represents the simple triumph of rational and liberal thought over racial bigotry. It is a rare gust of fresh air onto the rotten stage of politics, especially within our local arena where the real criterion of leadership has become truly questionable.

Indeed, the long-range effects of Obama's worldshakers have been felt right here at home. Already many of my fellow acquaintances are wondering aloud if Malaysia would ever have a non-Bumiputra at its helm.

But let us not get too ahead of ourselves. Here, we must take care to not overstate the significance of Mr.Obama's African heritage. It is equally important to remember that we are not celebrating the defeat of a previously dominant race, nor the triumph of any particular minority (though the afro-americans could hardly be called a minority).

Instead, what is worth applauding here is a nation that has progressed enough in its ideals of equal opportunity that it can appoint a man that it thinks has the necessary qualities to become its leader, DESPITE the color of his skin.

White Obama Black McCain. Credit to Tor Myhren.

The poster beseeches us to let the issues be the issues. It is a pretty well-made point: look underneath the surface and understand what each candidate (or party in our case) is actually advocating. Let us also realise that race is ultimately just a human concept, and it can be readily cast aside if only we allow ourselves to look beyond it.

It is my hope that one day, our nation would grow up enough to be able to do the same. To those who have been hoping for a Chinese or Indian PM, let race not be an issue here. If a man is best positioned to govern our country, then by all means put him there, whatever the color of his skin. In fact, I believe the best thing to happen to Malaysia right now would arrive in the form of a Bumiputra reformist, simply because it would be far easier for him to restore the faith and rebuild trust amongst the races.

Do recall that in late 19th century, it took a white man, Abraham Lincoln, and one of the bloodiest wars in American history in order to end Black Slavery. The US did not elect a non-white president on a whim. The path leading to this long awaited election was paved by great revolutionaries and ordinary people alike, who believed in fighting for what they felt in their hearts was right. It was not until today, more than 200 years since its formation, that the United States finally proved once and for all that it was capable of overcoming any racial barrier, even one as firmly lodged as the door to the Oval Office.

Indeed, Malaysia is hungry for the emergence of one such revolution, though admittedly it will be a great many years before she will become ready to let a non-Bumiputra represent her interests. But I truly believe that day will come.

Please CLICK HERE for comments on the post (link to Facebook Note)

OBAMA - SYMBOL OF HOPE !

2008-11-05T00:31:00.000-08:00

Now that I know all things are possible...

I have hopes for Malaysia

We need CHANGE!

We need HOPE!

I BELIEVE IN YOU MALAYSIANS!

YOU CAN VOTE ME!

YES WE CAN!
YES WE CAN!

YES WE CAN!

YES WE CAN!
YES WE CAN!

YES WE CAN!
YES WE CAN!
YES WE CAN!

MEET YOUR

NEW PRIME MINISTER

AND

DEPUTY PRIME MINISTER

God Is On My Side?

2008-11-04T13:33:00.001-08:00

Who is it? Who is going to win the elections?

Both believes God is on their side

Months and months of campaigning, both of them have picked up bits of Scriptures from the Bible to put in their speeches, both have quoted famous men and women, both have hurled insults that were politically correct and incorrect.

Somehow, when somebody wants to win - God seems obliged to help. Take it from Sarah Palin - the hopeful Republican VP.

"Tomorrow, I hope, I pray, I believe that I'll be able to wake up as vice president-elect and be able to get to work"

At least according to Osama and Friends, Allah seems to be on their side too. Of course, there are other Muslims who are not in the Osama and Friends group, who claim that Allah is not on their side.

America is catching up.

Suddenly, the American generation is somehow the David Generation, somehow it is the Elijah Generation, somehow Barrack Obama has likened himself to Joshua - the successor of Moses. And somehow, the Americans have become the Israelistes.

Most of us, if not all of us want to be someone great, or at least part of something really great.

Like REALLY GREAT.

The idea that God would also want us to be someone great is pretty good too.

"If somehow God endorses my desire for greatness, then I really going to make it"

Not only politicians make us think that way, motivational speakers make us think that way - as though that were not enough: We have pastors and self-proclaimed prophets to make us think that way.

Let me share with you an experience of mine:

About 5 years ago, I was sponsored to attend one of the seminars founded by Robert T. Kiyosaki & Friends. (please pardon me of my "and Friends" thing, when I don't quite remember all the names involved, I just group them together that way).

If some of you don't know who Robert T. Kiyosaki is, you might know his book entitled "Rich Dad Poor Dad". Now this course is much more than being just business in nature, as it seeks to transform your mindset into one that accepts much more possibilities so that you would take hold of more oppurtunities in life, and create the change that you want in life.

Of course, they also teach you necessary skills to make and maintain those changes, while providing lifetime support.

It is here that I met this woman called Shantelle Gold. One of the New Age gurus. Well, the title is actually something like "Clairvoyant and Spiritual Counsellor".

She invited me to have a "session" with her, where she can read my "aura". Of course, I felt very curious. Its not the ordinary RM20 fortune teller that sits around the LRT with a pack of poker cards and a little buddha statue.
Apparently, I have this Bright White aura around me which was not common. She didn't tell me much, and she simply said things like I have great potential, a great leader (or something like that, at least that is what I would like to remember). Come on, I was only 16 years old.

Well, thats a little short story of liking to be someone great. Imagine Bill Gates coming up to you and say:

"Young man, I see great potential in you to be a billionaire richer than I!"

I'd be walking on cloud 9. If the idea of Bill Gates being on my side makes me fly, what makes you think that the idea of GOD being on my side would be any lesser?

The point is this. When we have little hopes that we hope so much for - and somebody comes along and tell us something along the lines we want to hear, everything just works.

They are GOD-SENT!
They are GOD's prophets sent to affirm your quest for greatness!

When you wish for the iPhone 3G or the new Macbook for your Christmas present, and you pray for it, and WALLA! Your parents buy you that very thing for Christmas!

God is so GOOD! HOORAY!

Now, whoever wins the presidential race this time. Half of America will say that he is God-sent. Really?

Now, I hope that you are already convinced that the whole idea of God-sent according to the definition that changes with our fancies is pretty stupid.

The Bible does teach the idea about people being God-sent -The Bible does teach that God has created everybody and placed them in their respective places. God made me Malaysian, male, destined me to be a Christian and study in UNSW and blog on my laptop today.

It couldn't be any other way simply because this is history.

The Bible also teaches that it is God who commands history. History is made in such a way that God is still its Commander when Hitler murdered 6 million Jews, when the bomb fell on Japan, when the woman was raped in the alley.

When Jesus-God Himself was tortured and hung on the cross until He died. That is also history, and God was and is still the Commander.

I do not know the exact reason for these tragic incidents, including the state that America is in now - but I do know that we live in a sinful world, and we are terribly responsible for all the wickedness and destruction there is in the world.

If Allah wasn't FOR Osama,
Osama would probably have made up a new god that would be FOR Osama.

If America learnt that God demands of them something that is inconvenient,
they will look for a new god.

So many people wants Obama to take over the office. He seems to be able to promise so much, and he also seems to be able to deliver it. Pretty much like the way many Malaysians want to see UMNO dethroned. Maybe not.

But this is what the Bible teaches. There is no hope in human governments. Very much like the way I was born Malaysian, the politicians are God-sent by default. They are not necessarily God-sent to make our lives rosier than it is or to fulfill our fanciful wishes. There is nothing wrong to demand a fairer system, one that has more accountability.

I am not being anti-hope, neither am I anti-dreams.
It is more like anti-selfish thinking.

The Bible defines security - not as in political security, or insurance security.
It is the security that you know when God forgives you as you repent of your sins and trust in the sacrifice of Jesus.

The Bible defines riches - not as in Bill Gates, Warren Buffet or Wall Street riches.
Being rich in good deeds, godliness, these are riches. When God grants us forgiveness because of Jesus, that is riches.

The Bible defines greatness - not as in President of the USA, nor the CEO of a Forbes 500, nor the Commander of the Air Force.
It is to serve others in love and humility, following the footsteps of Jesus - to suffer for righteousness sake, to preach the good news so that people may get to heaven.

We should desire such security, such richness, and such greatness. Now, I don't expect many people to have taste for such noble things. For that matter, I don't exactly get thrilled over such noble ideas.

The good part about this is: The fact that we don't always delight in what is really good (or we only delight in what is good when it is convenient), having no pure desires is a good indication that we are wicked to the core. Not only we do wicked things, we think wicked thoughts.

Dear Human-Inspiration,

I am sorry.

I cannot, in good conscience dream the same dreams that you love, neither can I desire to continue desiring the things you continually consider desirable. Even the
Utopian dreams that you have, I am sorry to tell you I cannot sympathize with you that there will be another Saviour in this world. There is one Saviour Jesus Christ, who has declared that He will make a New World.

God's plans is such that people would be disgusted our their sins and realize that
there is a limit to human potential.

Human wickedness is much greater than human potential. Do not underestimate the forces of the dark side.

God's desire is that as they realize, they would resort to nothing else other than seeking undeserved mercy from God alone - whom they have sinned against... by not living their lives according to God who is the rightful King, and consequently hurting one another.

God's desire is that all the nations would recognize the Jesus' love and submit to His Lordship.

Until we realize that we are stubbornly believing in ourselves that the human race can be good one day (which we have failed since the beginning of human civilization), we live as God's enemies.

There is a New World, and the invitation to us is to leave the sinking ship - and board on to Jesus.

Your friend who longs for your enlightenment,
Joel

So:

Yes, God is on our side - If we are willing to give up our rebellion to go to His side.

No, God was never on our side at any point of time in history. It is inconceivable that God would ever take part in our wickedness.

Engineering Nightmare

2008-10-30T23:50:00.000-07:00

Date: 31/10/2008

My exam timetable was originally this:

Mathematics 2B on 29/10/2008
Control Systems on 31/10/2008

Me blogging now....

Analogue Electronics on 11/11/2008
Mobile and Satellite Communications on 12/11/2008

The problem is this: I had 5 exam papers in 4 days. Not exactly 5. It is more like

2 + 3i

I dreamt that I sat for 3 imaginary exam papers in my dream. To wake up to find out that the stress i faced was... imaginary, is pretty disappointing.

The Math 2B paper was really some exciting crap.

Event 1: Halfway through the 3 hour paper, I wanted to pee.
(I did go to the loo right before the paper)

Event 2: I was lagging about 20 minutes behind time.

Conclusion: Didn't go to pee, cannot complete paper. This is the first time this happened to me. to resist peeing for more than an hour - balancing the tension of completing the paper and resisting to pee.

After the paper, I found out that I'm not the only one who wanted to go the toilet. Now, I secretly hope that everybody did as bad as me, so that the lecturer will be forced to moderate the paper and scale the marks up.

Let me jot down some lifeless thing I did last night with my engineering classmates

We sat down.
Took out a piece of paper.
Calculated some scores.
Drew a graph.

Using the statistics we learn in Math 2B, we started calculating the probability that our marks would be scaled higher. We found that the scale is exponential in nature, (i.e. the lower marks you get, the higher the percentage of scaling).

However, since the sample size that we used to plot the graph was pretty small (we only had 3 values to plot the whole graph), the variance of the graph would be substantial.

However, factoring in even that, the probability that my marks would be scaled up to a Distinction is less than 20% with a 95% Confidence Interval.

In plain language, the chances of me getting a high distinction, taking into account as many factors as I know, is very low.

I've been munching on salad 90% of the time for the past week - to make sure that I don't spend too much time and energy digesting my food. Going on a vege diet, I have lowered my sleeping duration from 8 hours to 6 hours.

If that sounds a little extreme for the many carnivores out there, I have a friend who pumped 3 cans of Red Bull in a day and slept for only 3 hours. Now if Red Bull is plain water, it is not so bad. The problem is that there is this warning sign on Red Bull that warns against having more than 2 cans a day.

Warning: Do not drink more than 2 cans a day. You might die of a heart attack.

She might just die of a heart attack.
Well, the warning label doesn't exactly write it that way. But it is still crazy.

Reminds me of another dream.

I was dreaming that exams were over. I was jumping and leaping for joy.

Then I woke up.

I can't wait for exams to be over. And looking up the skies, I'm thinking...

God, if it is not too trivial... please help me through this. It's just too damn scary. If I stay as nervous as this long enough, I will get constipation, or stroke, or paralysis...

Randomness - 23rd October

2008-10-23T00:31:00.000-07:00

Studying in library...eating sushi...

Joel: *notices avocado in sushi* Eh, avocado good for breasts...

Wesley: prevent breast cancer...

Joel : ya ya....

Mitchell: Eh, today, got some breast cancer people.. i mean...er... those who volunteer, sell me muffin... u got buy ah?

Joel: No ah...eh, I got 1 teacher, die because of breast cancer...

Mitchell: I have many friends who die...

Joel: wah, how many oh... Eh, not 1,2 teachers died...

Yuda: I got 2 auntie have breast cancer... 1 die edi, 1 more not yet die...

Joel, Mitchell, Wesley: .........

Uglier and uglier... maybe not

2008-10-16T01:36:00.000-07:00

Things have changed. It is either you have gotten more and more beautiful... or maybe you have gotten uglier and uglier. Or maybe, you have stayed the same... my eyes have gotten uglier, thats why you look uglier; or perhaps my eyes caught some thing more beautiful.

Well, I can't believe that things has not changed. I know you want to think that this is just transcient - but it isn't. I am more likely to believe that it is my eyes have gotten uglier - but knowing you, I cannot rule out the fact that you were so much more beautiful when I first met you.

Then onwards, it was like peeling onions. The more I know you, the sadder it becomes - as my eyes slowly blur, being no longer able to appreciate and evaluate things clearly.

Times like this, I need to brush off the dirt - stand up again, and move on towards where I was supposed to go in the very beginning. A flower by the road - I have mistaken as a companion for the journey... Yet it is true, that even fleeting moments are precious. I would willingly slow down my journey for a little kitten by the road.

My fantasies are shattered, there is no puppy, and there are no kittens. The pedestrians, they are just there - they probably don't mean to be obstacles or companions... they just wander - sometimes they come across as friendly, sometimes as complete strangers. The pain is just hard to bear - it is easy to give up on a tiring journey and settle down for the beautiful scenery.

And you were more than a flower, more than a kitten - you were more, but I hoped for even more. I have stopped too long to expect less, if I leave - I lag behind; if I stay, I live in denial. The sun scorches, the flower fades, little children run into the shade, and the path is clear.

If I don't leave now, I will never reach. Please, come along with me if you will - I trust that the journey would be much more interesting and encouraging... if you are willing to trust me too.

As The Final Exams Draw Near...

2008-10-15T05:13:00.001-07:00

My hair gets messier. Gah! It is only one-inch long and it can get messy.

I start to read a few verses in the Bible once in a while... imagining that I will somehow get smarter after that.

Do push-ups evevery once in a while because my body somehow aches when I study. Headache, neck ache, back ache...

I feel lonely - I don't seem to get along well with the books.

I discover a lot of new things. I used to learn Normal distributions, exponential, Poisson distributions only. But today I realized there is such a thing called t-distribution and F-distribution... which I am supposed to know weeks ago.

Nobody seems to be online although there are so many people online.

Time seems to pass too quickly. Yet I seem to be wasting lots of them somehow - even though I thought that I studied for very long.

I want to Chor Dai Dee!!!

I lose hair since I keep pulling them off.

I dance.

I talk to myself.

I play with my stationery more often.

I laugh to myself.

I pretend I am a bird and start flapping my hands around the house... singing la la la la...

I imagine being some uber rich tycoon and has no need to study in university... and maybe take a nap...

GAH! NO.....

I remember deadlines, test dates, exam dates more than I remember holidays and birthdays.

I keep counting my test and assignment marks and think of the ridiculously high marks I need to obtain for my final exam to get Distinction.

....

I am suddenly reminded of the resistor I blew up in the Electronics lab today. I spent more than an hour to connect the whole circuit and put in all the right values of resistors... then 5 minutes into the lab...

POOF! Bright Light! Smoke! Whole 47000 ohm resistor burnt. 5 minutes into a 3 hour lab... and this is final evaluation for my lab class. GAHHHH!!!!!!!

I have spent an hour on this... typing and thinking of more tragedies and traumatic experiences.. I shall now resume studying for statistics test on monday... 5 marks... and then tomorrow got Control Systems Lab evaluation....10 marks....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Con Job

2008-10-09T20:17:00.000-07:00

Today, I met an Indonesian - at least he introduced himself that way. I met him while I was walking back from Uni. He told me that his atm card is lost because he entered a wrong pin number - the bank said he has to come back tomorrow to get the card, and he has no money to pump petrol to go home. He told me the situation was embarassing, and he wanted 20 dollars.

I only had a 50-dollar note. So I went away to look for change... a couple who sat nearby had 48.80 in change, and I said it was okay for them to give me 48.80 dollars. From a distance I could see him make a call to his friend describing his embarassing situation.

And so I gave that man 20 dollars. He thanked me, asked me if I wanted to take down his number so he could repay me again tomorrow in Uni. My mind was thinking, do I want him to repay me? Well, I'm not doing charity here, but I didn't want him to feel bad... so I said it was okay, he can take down my number and call me at his leisure.

As i left the scene, far enough almost to lose sight of him - I saw him approach an australian student...

Con man?

Well, as I think of it again now - I'm not so bothered as to whether I was cheated or not. I was just thinking... if I can do it again, would I have done it differently?

I was thinking, if Jesus was there - and since God would know the thoughts and intentions of a man's heart... He would have known that it was a con job. Knowing that, would he have given?

Now, I didn't know that man nor his intentions - but it wasn't hard to test.

1. He said he had no money to pump petrol, I could ask him to bring me to his car if he even had one.
2. I could check whether he really made a call by checking his phone.
3. Banks are closed on Saturdays - they shouldn't be asking him to come back tomorrow unless it is a wierd bank that opens on Saturday.

Even if I didn't do this, I could have ran back to the Australian student and verify if he used the same excuse. I didn't even make him put a miss call on my phone!

My mind is thinking : Joel, if you can get conned by such a thing, you must be a real idiot.

But my mind is also thinking: Would I lie and tell him I don't have 20 dollars? Or would I tell him that I think he is a con man and he doesn't deserve 20 dollars... Maybe I will tell him - here is 20 dollars, REMEMBER that I am a Christian...

(Just so he knows that he conned a Christian, and even if he doesn't see me anymore in this life, he better remember that Jesus is going to judge him... and he better repent this life or face the consequences when he meets Jesus the Judge)... well, its just typical of me to like thinking that everything I do have some good consequences even if it isn't handled the best way.

Sometime ago I was talking with some friends and we happened to talk about giving money to beggars. Some of them told me that the beggars were con men and they are pretty well off really, living off the pity of gullible people.

After some thought, I said... I would give them money anyway even if they are con men. They are in such a depraved state, their actions are not worthy of any honour (I think beggars have more honour than them)... I would pity them and give them the money.

On the other hand, if they are not con men, and I didn't give them the money they need to eat dinner the same night - than I am being merciless and have caused a man to go starving...

I said that with the idea that giving would mean a few ringgit... not 20 dollars which would convert to about 50 ringgit now. What I did today - I have very little idea if I did the right thing. If he didn't get 20 dollars off me, he would have gotten it off another person. If he did get 20 dollars off me (which he did), he would go around to get more 20 dollars anyway.

If I exposed him in public... I don't know what will happen. Is his dignity worth 20 dollars? Or is it that I am so gullible - that my intelligence is worth less than 20 dollars? I would like to think of it as the former. I mean - I would like to think of myself as a good person. Yet I know... I thank God didn't create my forehead with a screen that would display all my thoughts, cos that would be disasterous...

I know deep in my heart - not only short comings and weaknesses... but also the struggles with lust and all sorts of temptations and laziness that I have to face everyday.

I'm happy that Crystal thinks well of me. I really am happy of that. Having said that, I have to maintain a cool head and not get carried away. After all, it is pretty easy to live like a damn confident person who has no flaws when others only see us once in a while. I have friends that think well of me too... but the better they think well of me, the more I realize that they must know who I really am and what I struggle with.

Or else, they might just be living with an imaginary Joel. Neither do I want to live the life of an imaginary Joel. Very much like infatuation... She is so pretty, she is so hot, she is so smart, she is so perfect... She is flawless.

I have to deal with sin seriously and work on godliness... even if I can hide it from others, I won't be able to hide it from my wife... even if I hide it from my wife, God will see. And maybe the issue isn't really whether someone would catch me doing the wrong things and saying the wrong words...

It is just about wanting to give the genuine best to the people that I value in life. Though I am far away from that ideal- and I doubt I will ever reach that in this life... The little things that I need to remember is that both the journey and the destination is important.

Jesus promises in the Bible that one day I will be free from this sinful body (and it isn't in this life on earth but in heaven). Until then(and onwards), I will live an honest and transparent life... I will make honest effort, because I know that I am not alone in this effort. I know that God is helping me, and by making this effort - I also encourage others who are making the same effort, as well as receiving their encouragement simply by persevering.

Con job? Should I have given or shouldn't I have given?
I really don't know. My answers to my friends wouldn't be as definite as before. (back of my head: I don't mind getting cheated of 5 ringgit.... but 50 ringgit is a bit too much...)

Well, for the very least, I don't want to con myself to live an imaginary life.
For the very least, I want people to expect honesty from me.
For that, I better be honest to myself.

The Round Ball

2008-09-27T03:17:00.000-07:00

My friend who guided me much in my life a season in my life - Josh always this:

"Life is like a round ball"

It was one of those corny lines like - Life is like a box of chocolates sort of thing. I don't ever remember him explaining what he meant by "Life is like a round ball"... but one thing I know, life goes on and on - like a round ball. You can be happy, you can be sad, life goes on... You may be half alive, you might be on top of the world... life goes on. Even if you die one day, the world just goes on.

Assignments come and go, different seasons in our life poses us different challenges... the challenges we faced and the decisions we made about them seems so childish now. But it did not look that childish back then. Should I live a few more years down the road, perhaps I would laugh at the reasons why I get depressed today.

Life going on and on - I learn that I could be the kind of person that never grows up. Very much like Love songs. The boyband sings about losing the one he loves 10 years ago, and they will continue singing about the same thing 10 years later. Perhaps I'm that kind of person, I'm afraid that in a few years time, I will become depressed over the things that depress me now. Since 7 years ago, I feel insecure and inferior over... more childish things... 7 years later, I feel insecure and inferior over childish things of a higher class. A more sophisticated kind of childishness.

It makes me think quite a bit how I live now. Behave your age? What do you mean by behave your age? I just cannot lose touch with my generation. As much as I want to keep in touch, the years of lonely thoughts have seperated me very much from... good and simple things in life. I don't think I know how to enjoy the company of another person. I always paint a picture of a perfect 10 in my mind, and tend to only praise people who are able to do the best - not so much their best.

Why? Who told me that "this is a real and practical world"? "If your perfect 10 is not the practical perfect 10 of the world, then it is no perfect 10"... I know the effort people put into their work. And many times... your perfect 10 is something harder to achieve than the world's perfect 10 - but why Joel? You know that it is hard to "give your all"... but why do you measure things the way the world measures?

This whole world is about relationships. Your mindset will kill you if you don't change. Like a round ball, you will continue living - but you will be more dead than alive. There are things that are worth giving up...

My mindset has defined me. My mindset is not only unhelpful (though helpful in certain things), but it is destructive to this world. You are a chaos, you are an outlaw, you are unloving... There are things I am willing to give up. I want to give up my thoughts. I want a new beginning. I want an assurance of a chance to turn a new leaf. I want to die to myself... so I can live. I am rotten beyond change, I need a new beginning - yet I the ugliness in me is pushing me to look like a perfect 10...

It is like...

Joel, if you repent, you have to get it right the first time you do it. How can you ever be wrong? SHIT Joel. You can be wrong and you are damn wrong at this point. You have conversations with yourself more than you have with God plus other people. Now, don't even try to turn your reluctance into a philosophy - and join in the league of the geniuses of self-denial. You hate it, and the reason is simple.

Fear. Fear is such an amazing things. It doesn't kill you, but it drains off your life. A life of paralysis. Thats what you are fighting Joel. You are fighting your fear to fight. What if they laugh and what if they sneer?

Do it anyway. But let me assure you my dear boy, they won't be laughing at you and sneering at your. The people around you care for you more than you ever cared for yourself. They see the simple things you will never see. And as pessimistic as this world is, I have got to give them the credit and put some faith in them to change me. Why be an individual?

I want to be an individual. But I realize that the prize of being an individual...well, I don't know what is the prize of being an "individual"... but I know whatever the prize is, I will take it alone. There is no one to celebrate with if there was ever such a prise - "The best individual in the world". There are people in my life that I love enough, to be willing to lose myself.

I can't always sit around and hope for some big-time-life-changing-event to come. Today is the life changing event. If today you cannot make a wise decision with a cool head, what makes me think I can make a better one when my head is hot? This is the problem with you Joel. You actually quarrel with yourself. You know it isn't an angel-devil-voice-in-the-head, you know it is just you who tries to want everything.

Hey Joel, sometimes having everything - even if it is possile... isn't the best thing. If everybody has too much, how can anybody share anything? If nobody lacks, how can we show love? Why on earth do you have the dumb idea that "much is good"? Well, you know you are not fully convinced that the whole idea of "much is good" is dumb... there is some measure of truth in there.

Sigh...

I know what I want. I want to live a normal life. This year I am 20. I am at my prime. I can't afford losing time. In my mind, I am a little glad that I am learning through this all. If you never said no... I would be living in dreamland. But now that you said no, I thank you. It has been long since I realized that life ain't a bed of roses. There are things that cannot be rushed... growth takes time, but I know that there is such a thing as "refusing to grow up".

I want to grow up well.
I want to grow up well.
I want to grow up well.

I am a boy.but I cannot stay a boy forever. I may know a little more things, but if I stay a boy... the good things I know will one day be my stumbling block. I don't want to grow old without growing up. I know many old people who has never grown up. Yet because of the very same reason, I know that I do not love them enough to give them my life to love them enough to teach them.

Grow up Joel. Learn to do something good without hoping for a reward. Learn to consider growth a reward. Learn to consider giving as a blessing. I know people who consider giving as a blessing because it gives them some self worth... No, I don't want my worth to be defined by my giving.

I want to cry. I want to cry. I want to cry. I want to cry because I know nobody can change my mind. I am in dire need of some love and support. I will degrade from boy to baby. But perhaps that is one thing I need to learn, to be humble enough to accept help. After all, whether I grow up or not... life goes on.

Sin Shit

2008-09-07T06:14:00.000-07:00

Today, while I was sitting on my throne... inspiration came to me.

What is sin like? Sin... in some ways is like shit. Although shit is actually in our bodies, but when we shit it out - we don't dare to touch it because it just feels super dirty. But hey! The shit actually came from our own bodies! How come is it disgusting when we can touch it on the outside but we don't feel that it is disgusting when it is on the inside...

We know that we are humans who are full of flaws, not only wicked - but at many times selfish and proud. I always amaze myself of how wicked my thoughts can be when I dislike a certain person. It amazes me the plans that I can imagine when I feel angry and want to take revenge. Aren't we to some extent like that too?

We are full of sin. But when we read the newspapers publishing murders - or when somebody else sin against us/gossip behind our backs/lie to us, it looks so horrible. Yet the truth is that we are infact full of such ugliness.

Ah... toilet moments (and bathing)... so refreshing.

Death

2008-09-06T15:53:00.000-07:00

These few days, I have been thinking about death quite a bit. I think of little phrases I pick up from people -

"I'm half dead now"
"You have no life"
"I'm dead meat"

What do the phrases above tell us about the situation they are in?
Tired. Discomfort. Bored. Deep trouble. And other unpleasant states.

Yet I cannot help but think of the dead people I have met in my life. I have been to a couple of funerals in my life.

When I was a kid, my grandfather was cremated. Then my uncle. My family friend. Sophie. There are probably some others I do not remember.

I also seen people before their death - and almost the moment they die. Two church sisters. The same Sophie. My school teacher and a number of people that I have seen in the hospital which I will never remember. But those that I would remember more significant are 3. Sophie, my school teacher.

My school teacher taught me when I was 14. She had cancer when I was 16 and died when I was 17. I saw her when she was alive and well, encouraging me to study chinese when I literally hated the subject. And I saw how different she looked in the hospital. The scene of her quietly struggling under the burden of sickness was ugly. She never looked so ugly. Her friends, relatives and church people came to visit her every other day. Christians came and prayed for her recovery - and we continued praying until the day she died. One night about 12 a.m. when I was sleeping, I heard a beep on my phone. The SMS simply said that my teacher had gone home to The Lord.

The other little girl is called Sophie. I saw her still laughing and undergoing some blood transplant (whatever it is called) and everything was going great. She was smiling, she was telling jokes, she was looking so happy. During Christmas, my friend and I bought her a gift. She looked sickly and I didn't quite like that. Life was just escaping her body slowly and slowly. The doctor decided to perform a surgery on her, which was a major success! she was recovering well, and she could go home after the surgery - living a slightly more normal life compared to her hospital life which lasted for... many months? A few days after the surgery, it was discovered that during the surgery, some equipment was infected, and as her body was too weak to protect itself, the infection killed her within less than 2 days of notice.

Her mother was there. Her father was there. I was there. It was a TOTALLY stupid mistake, TOTALLY stupid kind of shock.

The reason that I remembered them were not so much because I saw them for long periods before their death. But I saw their dying faces, and the dead face. It is pretty wierd to see a dead person. They just look like they are sleeping. They are there... but they are not there anymore.

Their hands are cold, and there is little sign of sickness. They look peaceful.

They literally have no more life in them. Yet, the description differs so far from the few phrases that I mentioned above. When we mention that we are half dead, we are lifeless... it is one of weakness, one of struggling, one of persevering.

These few days, I have been passing pretty sad moments at times. It seems at first that I am fighting a war against my own thoughts. Then I was fighting a losing battle. I was then crying. I was then arguing and struggling and trying to make sense out of things. I feel pain, and I wrestle.

If I was ever alive, these are the moments that I am alive. The days of comfort and pleasure somehow seem so far away. But the pain is present. Comfort and pleasure demands so little energy of me, it keeps my mind at ease - I don't need to do anything... and just "let things happen to me".

If I was ever dead, those must have been the times. My years of struggles are my years of growth. On this side of heaven, my years of pain are my years of living. My years of change are my years of learning. There is just something so wierd about living and dying.

It seems that comfort and pleasure is the way to live - yet idleness is really a sign of death. What kind of comfort and pleasure constantly demands your strength, your energy, your everything? In death, what kind of loss have you experienced - when you are dead... you cease to be "you".

I'm probably a little too geeky for you to find these kind of things interesting.

The Man

2008-09-05T17:01:00.000-07:00

Quite a fair bit is written about Jesus' birth, a handful about him as he grew from a tween to teen, many chapters about the 3 years of His ministry, and many chapters about the last few days of His life on earth.

I was somewhat looking for a model to follow - if Jesus is 20 years old, what is He like?

At 12, Jesus was reasoning with teachers in the temple. The record before this event is Luke 2:40

And the child became strong; he was filled with wisdom, and the grace of God was upon Him.

Then after the discourse with the teachers - up till perhaps 30 years old, Luke 2:52 says:

And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.

If I am looking for a model to follow, I suppose this is all I have. Even reading through the entire Bible, one would find that authors were not so concerned with the in between years. It seems that almost everybody is a grown up man when history is recorded.

I thought through different reasons why this is so:

"Hey, they are recording history, isn't that how all history books are? Always describing the activities of man in form of the things they accomplished, countries involved, advances discovered?"

"Paper is expensive, they must have only recorded the most important things"

There are a few more similar reasons. But now I am considering this...

The Bible is God's Word, His story - perhaps by the way He chooses to reveal things (what He reveals and doesn't reveal) I can know what is important. By the proportion of chapters devoted to Jesus' life in the Gospel - it is apparent that it is His life and words during His ministry is most significant, only second to His death and resurrection.

I would not doubt this sort of emphasis do point us to the centrality of Jesus (and His Cross) in the whole Bible. But does this portion also imply that the whole point of my life is my ministry to people? Then my whole life up till before I become involved in some public ministry is just some sort of preparation? The Bible seems to always record a few significant events in a person's life and how that has played a role in the whole Bible - and more or less nothing more about the person's life. With the exceptions of a few characters of course.

I realize that because of my biased mind who is seeking for answers that perhaps the authour never intended to offer - I start to interpret passages the way I want to see it. Whatever that might be just a simple description I could be just making it to a model in life. Yet in the midst of all these things, I will hold on to the security of the 2 verses above that I think is crucial.

The first verse mention that Jesus became strong, filled with wisdom, and had the grace of God was upon Him - I take that to mean that God had favour with Him. The second verse mention that Jesus grew physically, grew in wisdom, and had favour with God and men.

So growing up physically and strong - I don't know if there is supposed to be anything significant with it. With the excpetion of intoxicants and unhealthy diet, i suppose this to mean normal physical growth.

The second one that would be more of interest is that Jesus grew in wisdom. So I'm supposed to be growing in wisdom during these years.

Jesus also grew in favour with God (this is common to both). How do I grow in favour with God?

The third was growing in favour with men. Now this is one thing I lack. But the Bible also teaches that Jesus did not seek the approval of men, yet he had favour with men. How does this work? I know too few people who do not seek the approval of men but still have favour with men - hence me.

I still have quite a bit to digest.

How Bizarre! How Bizzare?

2008-09-03T05:31:00.000-07:00

Thou standeth in the moonlight,
Yet sunlight shineth on thee -
Thou declareth thyself a god - with words unspoken.
Thou loveth limelight.

My heart is what you want. How bizarre!
Thou fool! Thinketh thou that I be such a brute as thee?
Thou crafteth up deceptive words,
Thou dimmeth my surrounding into the night -
Thou seek thine own glory -

Wilt thou obtain my heart with a lying tongue?
Thou promoteth not clear conscience,
Thou setteth forth truth in lies
Thy mind is darkened - True Light is Thy foe
Unrighteousness surroundeth thee
In pretense thy companion boasteth arrogantly with thee

In foolishness thou share their joy
So shalt thou share in their inheritance
Feet swift of selfish gain
Surely mercy be far from thee
Thou hast lifted thine heart above thy God
He who sits in heaven mocketh thee:
"This age, so shall it be!"

When thou giveth up thy breath,
Thou shall give an account of thy deeds -
and shall be found wanting
What then is thy boasting?
Thy enemies will rejoice over thee
For the accuser and his prophets lie in waste

The wicked shall dwell together,
thou shall share their company forever,
Thou shall live in death
In living - thou shall ever die.
The fear of The Lord is far from thee,
Thou art void of wisdom -

How long wilt thou see and not perceive?
Hear and not listen?
Wilt thou lust forever - doth thy mind burneth not thy soul?
So shalt thou eat the fruit of thy labour
Thou shalt reap what thou hast sown

Unless thou repent
thou shalt perish likewise
Unless thou repent
thou shalt perish likewise
Thy heart is crooked
They ways are bent

Fear God and keep His commandments - for He who sits in heaven delayeth not and is swift to Judge... for the plea of His saints have filled His ears.

Little Stones

2008-09-03T05:07:00.000-07:00

A fine cool day,
walking down the lonely path,
Little stones along the way,
dashing against my foot.

Such are these days. Everything I need is here, the good things in life to cheer me up; the little assurances I love to have - a home to stay, money to spend, academics which are doing pretty okay. God is in the picture, Christian and non-Christian friends surround me - there is fellowship, there is ministry.

Yet, the journey is not an easy one. Academics keep me on my toes. Hope strengthens me when I grow tired and weary. Not too strong, but strong enough to give me assurance that I will be able to endure.

Yet, it is not only marked with busy-ness as a routine, but also pricks. A piece of my heart is somewhere, somewhere it does not belong. My eyes grant me memories that brings pain to my heart. Everyday, I am reminded of the pain - and these thoughts keep my mind troubled all the time. The seemingly trivial things that are not trivial at all... they hurt my feet, I grow weary of walking - yet they cannot kill me.

Living between life and death - a full life belongs to me. Struggles have never been so consistent, such energy has never been required of me. Yet for the glory of this struggle, such is this life. Between here and a land far away, between life and death.

This life demands my vision to see heaven and earth, yet not a place somewhere in between. A call to have such violence that is gentle! A cry and a shout in the form of a plea. The identity of a man, yet being the bride. A position that desires to give - so much... yet is constantly receiving. A promise of acceptance and belonging, yet Home is somewhere in the distant future.

In this world you have tribulation - but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world.

What is it that You have overcome? Your overcoming has granted vision of the strength of hope - If hope is already this strong, how much greater shall the realization be?

Little stones strike my feet along the way,
Until the largest boulder take me Home.

Christianity 1500 years ago and Today

2008-09-01T05:25:00.000-07:00

When Joel have little personal problems to handle, he start thinking about the problems of other people. And on and on it goes - its always problems.

Christians no longer preach the Gospel at the cost of their lives. Everybody has a degree to complete... an unruffled life to live... a house to buy... a wife to marry... a comfortable life ahead... What happened to planning life with God in the picture? or is God supposed to fit into our picture of "the comfortable life" - the churchgoing version of Bill Gates being the symbol of success. Gospel work is reduced to tithing, being a witness to Jesus means simply letting others know I am Christian, meeting up with Christians is merely to "catch up on whats been happening" - WHY?

After church, people hang around and talk about the newest thing in town... what they will eat for lunch... WHY?

Now, I must admit that there are questions in life that to ask WHY is to ask in vain, but many things are explainable. After much thoughts, I believe the answer to this big WHY is that these people do not know God. There is some measure of profession. In fact, the godless America is the country that professes it the most - and that is where we get the "limelight church culture", "pro abortion", "using religion for political gain"... and mindlessly, we in in Asia who so wish that "we could be like them" in one way or the other follow them.

Indeed, many profess to Jesus - 'Lord, Lord!' - but Jesus concludes that it is FEW who will enter the narrow gate and walk the narrow path. Since Jesus was talking about those who profess - perhaps among us, yes, even us who profess to know Jesus... most of us will be echoing the exact words in Matthew 7...

"Lord Lord! Did we not prophesy in your name? Did we not..."

only to hear Jesus tell us "Get away - I do not know you"

Yes, Jesus was not speaking to non-Christians. It is much easier to believe that Jesus was speaking to people who are supposed to be "salt of the earth" but ended up as "salt that loses its flavour". From being distinct, to being the same. This sends a grave warning to us if we live in this world and face no persecution. Perhaps, we have become like the world, and the world loves us.

Our profession of faith - unless shown by the fruit of the Spirit... is USELESS, and POINTLESS. Our declaration of undying PASSION for Jesus, our praying of "Dear God, I humbly come to You..." is EMPTY.

Before illustrating the main point. I would like to share with us all a little bit about church history - should my memory serve me correctly.

There was a time in Christian history long long ago, about the time of Constantine (about 4th century)- there was a period where Rome was ruled by Christian Emperors. The rule of Christian Emperors gave much privilege to Christians - the once persecuted Christianity has now become the state religion. Christians enjoy special rights - much like how Malays enjoy special rights in Malaysia. Church doctrine was standardized, heresies were cleared, Christianity spread all over Rome.

Many people became Christians: some of them sincere, some went into the church to gain favour with the Emperor - since the Emperor fancies this new religion. Yet, this period did not contain all Christian Emperors. Much like the Old Testament where there were good kings and bad kings - the good kings tear down shrines to cults to rebuild God's altar and calls people to worship, the bad kings doing the exact opposite - the Roman Emperors did something like that.

When the Emperor changed from a Christian Emperor to a pagan Emperor who did not know God - they persecuted Christians harshly. Christians who enjoyed Christianity in peace, suddenly had to flee for their lives and forced to deny Christ. During this period of transition, many Christians paid for their faith in blood. Yet there were also many who denied Jesus as Lord - instead proclaiming that the Emperor of the day as Lord to save their lives.

Then the transition came where the Christian Emperor took over the empire. The pagan Emperor is disposed of, and Christianity enjoys peace again. Yet, a new problem arose: The people who once denied Jesus now wants to join the church. Denying Christ as Lord is a grave sin the bishops of the churches say - how can we accept them again? When another pagan Emperor comes they deny Christ, when it is convenient - they proclaim Christ! How can this be?

Legalistic we might say? Well, the bishops had a good point. So they confered among themselves and wonder what to do with these group of Christians. They could not deny that some of them were sincerely repentant, yet they also had to account for the fake ones - what shall they do?

So they came up with a thing called PENANCE. What is that? Penance required these group of 'sinners' to do a certain amount of good works to prove that they are truly repentant. The argument is that the shallow profession of faith (which might be a fake faith) is too easy, these people had to prove it by good works.

And so, after doing a certain amount of good works, these people regained admittance into the church. Throughout the ages, as situations became more and more complicated, Christians who have sinned have to do more and more works to prove their repentance - more and more rules had to be added to ensure sincerity. Slowly and slowly, these group of church leaders defines that salvation comes not by faith alone - but faith and good works.

And this is one of the reasons why Catholicism has so many rules. To simply label them legalistic is too shallow an argument. Yet we know from the Word of God, indeed "it is by grace through faith we are saved, and not by our works so that no one could boast". Salvation by faith and works is incompatible with Scripture.

This is one extreme of the picture. Moving forward more than 1500 years, we come to America. There was a little boy who raised up his hand to accept Jesus in a Billy Graham crusade - everybody lifted up their hands. After jotting down the information to a counselor on site, this boy received a free Bible which had a date written behind it "27/6/1988" that marked the day of his "salvation". 10 years later, this little boy grew to become a young adult who lives a life indulging in earthly riches and gives none of his life to God felt that perhaps he might not be accepted before God.

This young adult slowly fears for his own life, he fears that God will judge him and throw him into hell. So he runs to church and looks for his pastor and said: "Pastor, I feel that I am going to hell". Then the pastor said: " Turn to the last page of your Bible... you see the date there? Tell Satan that you are saved and claim it by faith! You are saved!"

For a while, this young adult was relieved - live life the way I want, but God has gotta accepted me, I accepted him 10 years ago!

This age that we live in - is one where Christians live in a lot of tension. Sometimes, we think like the young adult... by faith isn't it? What do we do? Make a list of 10 things we vow to do for God.

1. I must do at least 15 minutes of quiet time.

2. I must go to cell group at least twice a month?

3. I must tithe 10%

and the list goes on...

Some of us do not struggle. We become like the young adult - believing in an "imaginary salvation" Jesus never offered. After bribing God with 10%... or at least enough so that our conscience is calmed... we spend money like there is no God. We buy the newest clothings, the newest gadget and whatevernots to make up for the self-esteem we so desperately lack + the imaginary needs that we cannot but help lusting after. Yet some of us speak like those in James 4:13-16

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil.

or did we forget Jesus parable? Luke 12:16-21

And he told them this parable: "The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.'
"Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I'll say to myself, "You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry." '
"But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?'
"This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God."

These passages speak for themselves.

If you haven't forgotten - I was wondering the many WHYs (it is white words in the beginning of the email, you can highlight them to read). I concluded that people must have not known God. Those who claim to know the God of the Bible... only claim to know an imaginary God who says "The Master delays His coming!" There are also those who say " I will bury my one talent underground and return it to God when He demands it". Truly, many of us are blind. We are those who:

'they may be ever seeing but never perceiving,

and ever hearing but never understanding;

otherwise they might turn and be forgiven!'

The Bible is before us. Some of us read the words over and over... but we will never obey it. Some will, some won't. Some will recognize that God is the Possesor of Heaven and Earth... and our lives... us merely being stewards of His resources. Some of us will remain thinking that we own our lives - as though Jesus Christ did not purchased us... and some of us will think that way till the day we die.

Yet the sad thing is this - in the midst of our college, our university, our assignments, we have neglected God's Word. Forget about seeing but never perceiving - we don't even want to see! Some of us claim to have so much responsibility in studies and work. Then the question is this -

Which is more important?

Knowing God or getting High Distinctions in university?

I fear for you my brothers and sisters, that we might fall into indulgence in worldly pursuits - clothing them in the name of "excellent spirit in the book of Daniel". Have you been to Christian concerts when this preacher suddenly comes up and say:

"I sense that God is calling some of us to be great businessmen, great politicians, great .... Who senses that God is calling you even right now? raise up your hand so I can pray for you!"

Have you heard people come up and say: "I feel that God calls me into the business world/ to become a doctor... an engineer... a lawyer"

Had it never struck you why so many people claim to be called by God into such professions - but so few are called to become preachers? teachers? garbage collecters? Have you ever heard a person say "God has called me to be a garbage collector?" It seems that we have a "upper middle class Holy Spirit".

I fear for us that in our pride and indulgence in the things of this world - we have defined God to fit our convenience. The Christians 1500 years ago denied Jesus to save their physical life - we know that was wrong. But what about us?

Everyday we carry on our routine daily life as though God is not there. Yes, we deny Jesus daily. What shall our leaders say? Do some good work to proof your repentance? Look at the last page of your Bible and tell Satan you are saved? What can we do?

When our hearts have become hardened and we tell our Christian brother "who are you to judge me? are you not like me?" let us remember... we can't say the same thing to the sinless Jesus. Because He will reply, "I am God that judges you, I am sinless and I am not like you". The warning is grave - Judgement Day is a day of no return.

How can we hasten our feet into hellfire? It is simple. Tell God that we will obey Him tomorrow. and when tomorrow comes, tell God that day after tomorrow is fine too. When my assignments are done - it is fine. Convince ourselves that we will live long enough to repent right before we die.

But for some of us who have the privilege of God opening our eyes - what shall we do?

Pray to God for understanding to read the Bible.

Talk to a Christian brother/sister about obeying God.

Read the Bible with somebody else to find out how we can live to please God.

Buy a Bible study guide.

The whole idea of getting one more person is not only to "spread the word", but also to be an encouragement to others to do the same. Can I pronounce a judgement such as "Those who does not read the Bible shall be condemned"? Well - I can't say that - I am not the Judge! But if we do not obey God because we do not even desire to seek out how to obey God (by reading His very Word) - you do the math - and measure what you are putting yourself into.

This Man

2008-08-27T06:48:00.000-07:00

There is this man - who is too scared of failing. So scared that he did not fail in the thing that he was afraid to fail in - he never did want to try it anymore. He was used to fail in it, now he decided that he wanted to fail no more.

The reason he no longer wants to fail - is that he understands that every single event that happens in life will trigger a series of other events which will lead to more events, he also understands that nobody ever represents only themselves - everybody always represent to some extent their family, their beliefs, and their upbringing.

Yet this man also thinks that since one thing leads on to the other - who knows his failure might turn out for good. This man is not stupid, he learns that the chances are slim and the stakes are high. This man lives in his private world with his private philosophies in life - his thinks his thoughts are private and that nobody shares it, but he knows deep in his heart everybody shares the same philosophy about themselves - insecurity.

Yet this man reasons that "insecurity" is too shallow a word to describe the painful experiences, and the potential loss, and the risk that has crossed his mind - and he believes - many others. And so, there is very little room left for this man. He can run away for now - but not forever. He can fake it. He thought perhaps "facing it" might be the right thing to do... but he does not know how.

For the good of himself, and for the good of society - he runs. He runs and hope that he can live out other areas of life fully - perhaps the goodness of other parts will somehow compensate for this area of failure. Yet this man knows himself too well that this is a lie. If a man's stomach is empty, he can eat. If a man's heart is sad, can tasty food satisfy him?

This man has little reasonings left to comfort him. He finds little pleasure in the things of this world. He is timid, he is shocked - he is bewildered at his own weakness, and wickedness while people around him think highly of him. Perhaps, even this thought is a product of his imagination and insecurity. Everywhere he turns, he is tempted to do evil - everything he does, it reveals his insecurity.

He dreads the day - he knows one day of living is one day of sinning. He would so rather die today - but he know he is not meant to do so. It is not because this man knows killing is wrong, but he knows that this life does not belong to him - but God the Creator.

Therefore, this man's hope is in his Creator - his hope of security, his hope of purity, his hope of joy, his hope of love. This man has disappointed himself once too many, not to mention that his dillusions has made him expect unreasonable things from others - this man has no more regard for his philosophy. He has given up - He has given in to God.

Wisdom means something new to this man. He thinks of God's Word as wisdom. Figuring out the world and himself on his own is a pile of confusion. Therefore, this man clings to God's Wisdom. Belonging also means something new to this man. He no longer belongs to this world. When he is deprived and despaired of meaningful relationship in this world, he rejoices in the fact that heaven is his home... and the present pains are a reminder to his temporal stay on earth.

This man is an escapist. But not the common escapist. He delays his escape. He escapes when he dies - but while on this earth, he will stand firm. God will enable him to stand. One day, when the pain in this body becomes too great that it gives way, the spirit of this man will rejoice and find himself at home with God. Yet, even this very moment, the spirit of this man suffers and endures much pain that the body faces.

Living day by day with his body, this spirit learns of God - as the spirit learns to endure pain in this world - this spirit learns that God must have endured much more pain. As the spirit learns to expect the man to be sinning tomorrow in one way or the other, this spirit also learns of God's grace that forgives the sin that this man will commit in the future. When the spirit of this man starves for the comfort that this man failed to provide, rather than feeling God's love immediately, the spirit of this man learns that he is not alone, and that even God has experienced such things.

This man recalls that Jesus became a man to identify Himself with man. And through this spirit in the man - he realize that he is made alive to be identified with Jesus. This spirit will learn the footsteps of Jesus through obedience, love and suffering - and this spirit will get a new friend, the Holy Spirit of God, who will empower and encourage this spirit to follow Jesus.

This man's body is dying. But his spirit grows day by day. One day, when his heart fails and fail to give him life in this body - he will then obtain a new heart, a new life - one that is free from stain.

This man will be a man who is joyful, and will live in peace forever. This man looks to heaven with hope.

This man is me.

Without and Within

2008-08-19T06:16:00.001-07:00

A thousand wars without I can fight, yet who can stop my own hand against myself?
Fights so intense I can stand, but when the heart is troubled... How can I stand.
An enemy I can overcome, a friend - I can't, I can only give in.

What are wars? What are fights? What are enemies? NOTHING. They are all easy prey.

But I cannot stop my hand...
My heart is the source of the trouble - how can a heart be solved?
I am my friend who have been living with me since forever...

If I don't stand up for myself... Who will?

Supposedly someone else's knight in shining armour - I am now my damsel in distress. Can I be my own knight?

This side of heaven, things go unexplained. My soul groans for the pain - heart and mind.

Heaven, how I long for you. I know... good stories never end with the damsel failing... but Jesus, my knight in shining armour will one day appear in power - and carry me back to where I belong.

Called home to be with The Lord... should be a colourful advertisement... not grayscale.

Time Passes Slowly

2008-08-16T08:55:00.000-07:00

This season of my life, is so familiar. It looks just like half a decade ago.

5 years ago, I thought I was matured. But honestly, I was really childish and stupid. God brought me through that season, and I emerged as a slightly more matured person, a thinker and a feeler in a richer sense - I think more, and I felt more. I became more human, I became a little more like Jesus, though the idea of similarity is still far fetched. After that 5 years ago, I could no longer communicate well with the peers of my time. I grew, but I also grew into a journey which is more lonely.

5 years later - today. It feels like a mini series replaying. I think I am pretty matured now. But I know I am up for some enlightenment to know that it must have been proud of me to think in such a manner. I know, because I am a Christian... I know that I will emerge again as a slightly more matured person, a thinker and a feeler in a richer sense - I will think more, I will feel more... I will become more human, I will grow to be more like Jesus.

I know this is one price that I will pay reluctantly, because there isn't anything better around to spend my life on. What I have experienced through the years - what I think is a gift from God... is this:

God gave me many things. Timely things. Things that are worth for a season and no more.
Yet through the giving and taking away of temporal things, God gave me things that nobody can ever take away. God gave me experience. God gave me a life story. God filled up my history. Should one day my life be read as a book, they will see God's traces, God's fingerprints, God's poem.

I have not learnt to amass. God didn't teach me to amass anything. The things God gave me is unseen. It was not talents, neither is it intelligence - He gave me a mind and a heart. A mind and a heart that would continually grow to learn that He is trustworthy, and one that will know that this season is a season of growing up - and not a season to ask: Why God? Why now? Why me?

I have been growing up in various ways for the past 6 years or so. Every time it has to do with my self esteem - I learn that neither high nor low self esteem is the way to go - but one that is a clear evaluation of who I am; for self esteem is not one thing that is supposed to bring me up or pull me down, as though it is a tool that works like pep talk... but self esteem is to know that I am nothing before God, yet God cares for my life, and my very heart - self esteem teaches me gratefulness, contentment, humility, quietness, stability, calmness.

Every time it has to do with relationships. I learn that relationships make or break a person. Things don't make or break a person... people do. The people that can hurt us the most, is the one that we imagine to have a good relationship with. But I learn that in the midst of hurt, though I feel alone, yet I am not lonely. When I hurt, I share the fate of millions - when I am high and happy, I only know the true feelings of a few people. Relationships are relationships, they are not always a source of confidence, not always a source of dependence - but relationships are things that define a person. I am a child of God, I am a child of man. I have a Father in heaven, I have a father on earth. I have siblings in the heavenly realms, I have siblings in the earthly realms. I was once among those who are lost, now I am with those who are found. In relationships, I find a reason to grow - growth is to know God more, trust God more, and enjoy God more. Other than that, I find no reason in producing excellent work, nor much reason to continue in a seemingly endless toil on earth.

Every time, time feels like a big factor. I find myself asking - when will this ever end? History repeats over and over. The message is singular. I learn that I can't learn heart lessons too many times. The night is darkest before dawn - As much as hope is in the end, time is a big part of the lesson. I learn that I don't just turn happy because God did something, but that God did something over time, and He did it many times, and I know He will do it again and again. Faithfulness is one thing only time can tell. God is faithful - He is 5 years ago, He is since I was born, He is since 2000 years ago - when He fulfilled a promise since the days of Adam and Eve.

Time passes slowly. In the quietness of the night, my thoughts become calm. Conflict and strivings melt into a frozen state, I seem to have ample time to think - in a lonely and quiet night alone, I enter into another world. I enter into a new type of reality. In this reality, the rubber doesn't hit the road, things are dully ideal - i explore this compartment of my philosophy that executes thoughts without much pressure from the daily demands in life. Since I am alone, I can let my thoughts flow - nobody is waiting for an answer from my lips, I have no responsibility to "make everyone at the dinner table talk to one another" - it is like, I don't even feel God is in my room. There are few situations in my life where I make biggest decisions in life:

When I am alone this way.
or when I am alone with God.

This year, is a turning point in my life. One way will lead on to the other. And for a long long time, the words written here will have very little meaning until I reach my next turning point in life. These words have little meaning, but these words will chart out the course until I reach the next turning point.

Echo

2008-08-16T01:37:00.000-07:00

God, what I prayed to You 4 Christmas ago... I pray again...

" God, if you can take back rubbish... please take me back "

A Time for Test

2008-08-15T06:55:00.000-07:00

The time of testing has come again, and whether I pass this day, depends on whether I passed yesterday. If I was not responsible yesterday, todays load will be heavier.

A test for the heart. It is a hard test. It is not a test of time - but a test to trust God's goodness. To acknowledge that the truth is true, that God is good.

Oh God, I have never been good at this. I feel like I am like a weakling in this whole matter, I don't feel like a champion at all. Every time this comes, you will show me that I am not ready. How I wish that I am ready... but my continual wish for readiness is a sign that I am not mature enough. How ironic.

I want to be ready. I don't want to "want to be ready". Because I know as long as I want, I have never let it go yet. Let it go Joel, if it is yours, it will come back.

Such is life. Let it go. If it is yours, it will come...
If it isn't - and you don't let go now, you will lose it anyway.

God, You have taught me. I owe you my life. I wish that I would be a robot for this area of my life - incapable of making my own decisions but mindlessly and emotionlessly sweep through it... then I would not have to suffer such pain. But surely, Your plan is not so.

Your ways are not my ways, your thoughts are higher than mine. You desire to see Jesus formed in me. I desire insanity. Such God, are the struggles in my heart. God - I know of two things to do when I struggle...

Give in.
Grow up.

I want the latter. But the former is easier. Such is life, the better thing is always the harder thing to do. Why did Eve want to be like God? Wasn't she already like God - made in the likeness of God?

Why? I am not really wanting to know why. It is just hard God. I just want to assure myself that You know. I'm sure you know. I just doubt that I am assured of that.

Dear God, today I learn that You ought to be the rightful and loving ruler who is supposed to rule over my life - my failure to comply is sin. And truly so...

The good news and the sad news is that it is the same news.

Dear God, I know You will bring me through all this. Please, please, please grant me strength that I may endure this... that I may honour You... even if nobody ever understands anything.

The Little I Know About Marriage

2008-08-13T08:18:00.000-07:00

As you read this post, it would be responsible for me to say first that the following words are from The Bible... Marriage from the Book. It is not a moral guide - though one may derive from it... but it is about God's Marriage - not so much about our marriage, but Jesus' Marriage.

Before the beginning of the world, the Heavenly Father was preparing a marriage for His Son - Jesus. It was not proper that Jesus doesn't have a bride - so God planned out an epic story where Jesus Christ will have to save the bride, save the day, and wed her one day. This is the marriage that will last throughout eternity.

And so, begins the creation of the world. God created mankind - but little did humans know they one day, many of them would join together as one body called church... and this body of people is called the Bride of Christ (Jesus). And so the saga begins...

God created Adam - then God said... It is not good for man to be alone - I will create for Adam a suitable (and equal) helper... and God created Eve. For this reason, a man shall leave his father (and mother) and be joined to his wife as one flesh. God then joined Adam and Eve together in marriage.

And so, this was the first trace of the marriage that will one day happen in heaven - but before that, man will take thousands of years to learn the purpose of the universe...

Some point in time, Adam and Eve rebelled against God and chose to dethroned God in their hearts. God as the Judge sentenced them to death, so that one day man will breathe his final breath and return to dust.

For that matter, the best marriages on earth will never last. Nothing may do them apart, but 'till death do us part' - it is an unwilling parting, since marriage was meant to last.

Rebelling against God (sin) and falling into God's Judgement, humans have nothing to save them. Yet, through the years, God reveals His Laws to show that mankind have turned away from God and have walked the paths that leads to death; meanwhile, God shows mercy on people and showers them with His love... God was preparing His Son the Hero to save these people.

And so, the hero who was waiting since eternity, Jesus came into the scene. He came to save His bride from the masses of humanity. Jesus came to show the full measure of God's Love, to lead His people back to God in repentance, to wash His Bride clean of the filth that has stuck to her as a result of her fornication...and to one day... be one flesh with His people-His Bride, to be so joined together...one flesh.

As Jesus came to this world in the form of a man 2000 years ago, some of the people rejected Him and hung Him on the cross, some of them entrusted their lives to God. Jesus had to die... His death was the payment for the sins of the world. What was meant to be God's Judgement on us, Jesus took our place and suffered the death for us - so that whoever believes in Him has passed God's Judgement.

For if Jesus did not die in saving us, we will be lost and there will be no Bride. And to those who believed Jesus, they became a part of the church which will one day be the Bride of Christ.

While we (Christians) wait on earth, even trials come upon us - so that we may be purified when we have endured the test... God Himself being our strength to overcome, so that one day, we will be a clean and pure Bride on our wedding day.

And so, the creation of the universe is this - that God may prepare for His Son a Bride... which will rule over a New Creation that God has prepared since forever. In this new world, The Father being the God of all, and the Son Jesus Christ ruling the world with His Bride and enjoying all Creation throughout eternity.

His Bride is the church/(are the Christians) then (not just those who call themselves Christians, but those who are truly Christians in heart)- who will also enjoy fellowship with one another as long as eternity goes.

Marriage is not a human invention. Marriage is designed to last. Marriage is designed to join. Marriage is designed for faithfulness.

Yes, today's world, those who are divorced is of the same number with those who are married. And not many people are truly happily married. The world is a twisted place, many things ought not to be the way it was in the beginning. But this is not the end of the story.

For us who are single, we look forward to the true marriage in Heaven. For those who are married, we strive - by God's help, to be a pattern of the one true marriage we will see one day in Heaven.

God has designed us for Lasting Relationships that will never break, True Security that will remain faithful... Assurance that will bring Joy and Peace to the heart; so that while we wait on earth and are despaired by the things happening - we look toward heaven and remain hopeful and steadfast in this world, yearning to be who we are really meant to be.

This is the meaning of life.

Shitting in toilets

2008-08-12T05:14:00.000-07:00

This post is typed on my laptop... while I am sitting in the comfort of my toilet bowl.

You know the times when you shit - because you had enough fibre, your shit does not come out like a machine gun or fireworks... but it comes out as a whole piece....

"DOSH!"

the shit goes down, but water comes up!

It is one of the most irritating thing that can ever happen in the toilet! Especially if you peed already!

Solution:
Put about 6 pieces of tissue paper into the toilet bowl first. This will provide cushion for the shit so it wont go down with a "DOSH" and send water up.

End of story.

P.S. If you think this method is wasting toilet paper, chances are that you will be using the same amount of tissue paper to wipe of the pee-shit-water in the end anyway. If if you insist that this method wastes paper, please ignore the advice given.

The Lust For The World

2008-08-08T14:50:00.000-07:00

He who loves the world makes himself an enemy of God.

Do we murder? Do we hate?
Do we commit adultery? Do we lust?
Do we sin? Do we invite ourselves into temptation?
Do we steal? What about piracy?
Do we lie? Are we faithful?
Do we please God? Do we please ourselves?
Do we live for God? Do we live for ourselves?
Do we spend in a godly way? Do we waste God's money?
Do we love our neighbours? Are we selfish?
Do we hate God? Do we love God half-heartedly?
Do we save time? Do we waste God's life?
Do we work hard? Are we lazy?
Do we work for our selfish ambitions? Do we work to give others?
Do we bear good fruit? Do we bear bad fruit?
Do we walk the broad path? Do we walk the narrow path?
Do we hope in our works? Do we depend on Christ?
Are we the good tree? Are we the bad tree?
Are we filled with the Holy Spirit? Are we filled with alcohol?
Are our minds filled with God's Word? Are our minds filled with vulgarity?
Is our confidence in ourselves? Is our confidence in Christ?
Do we study God's Word? Do we read God's Word?
Do we give ourselves excuses? Do we justify ourselves?
Are we Jesus' friends? Are we the world's friends?
Do we worship God? Do we worship our boyfriends/girlfriends?

Where the treasure is, there will be the heart also.

Where is your treasure?

Not everyone who says to me "Lord, Lord" will enter the Kingdom of God...only those who do the will of My Father in heaven...