The ridiculous balance

Work has been taking too much of my time, bust since I'm on MC, i've got a little to spare.

In life, consciously and subconsciouly lots of people seek a balance in life:

The right proportion for work or studies,
The just right amount of time you spend with friends
The right amout to distribute to your hobbies
The right amount for this and that

Hopefully, after spending their time, finances, and affections in some near-right proportion, they will stumble upon the recipe for success and happiness. While some do it consciously - especially those who lack time, most people do it subconsciously.

In search for the divine balance where the good life is hidden

Much more could be say about the good life - the good good eternal life that is full of joy, goodness, and a whole new taste for uprightness and be able to live in such a world...

Much more could be said about that, but what I want to point out here is just that:
"If you are a normal human being like me, you probably won't get the divine balance"

Most of the time, people don't expect to reach the best brew for life. They just hope to "aim for the moon, and even if you miss, you will land among the stars" sort of thing. While that might sound like a good way to think about life - at least experience tell you otherwise.

There have been too many so-called "successful" people in the corporate world who try to juggle severything. The classic example is super-mom. High up in the corporate world and trying to care for her 2 children and at the same time having tea parties to attend to.

The thing is this: super-mom model Angelina Jolie herself is not juggling it well. She has more fame, more kids, and more many things. Now, some of you might think, if I had half of her kids, half of her money, and half of her causes to fight for, then I should be able to juggle it well.

This might need more convincing, but that while limited resources is an issue, diverse affections is probably the main reason this can't be done. People want to be passionate about things, and the more important you get in the eyes of the world (and of yourself), the more significant you want your role to be in the life and activity of many things. However, as an average human being ( and for argument's sake lets assume you are as good as Angelina), you still can't balance everything out.

What I am trying to get here is that the thinking of "divine balance" is not the best way to proceed in life. There are too many unknowns. What you know is that you are searching for this thing called "happiness", and you would understand happiness to be a combination of different things in particular proportions in life.

A much better way to organise life is to think in terms of priorities.
If you have been around the web long enough reading forwarded emails, then you probably heard of the professor who took a big glass jar into class. He then filled it up with big stones, then smaller ones, then pebbles, and then finally sand. He then explained that our life is like the empty jar, we can't fill everything in, but let us make sure the big things in life are in first, then the lesser ones. It is alright if not all the sand that you have (menial things) gets in to the jug, you have tried your best, and at least the big things are in already.

I'm aware that actually many people think in terms of priorities instead of a chasing of the divine balance. the problem of chasing for the divine balance is the rich man's problem. It is always the rich man's problem.

When you start getting successful and rich, you start to think that you have a bigger jar in life. Since you have a bigger jar, you might just be able to fit almost everything in that jar - so you think that you are the group of people (consciously or subconsciously) who can play the game of life by a different set of rules. You think you have risen above the average and you pat yourself on the back for being so smart for so long - and suddenly on your deathbed (hopefully earlier than that) you realize that you have been an idiot for the past few decades.

There are other reasons that contribute to this stupidity too. If you do get there, you might one day think "I have put all my big stones in the jar first, and followed the whole big to small principle, but my life is still so miserable". Good - you have reached a dead end. Many people don't get there, instead, they just get trapped at either divine balance or mere priority principle.

The most obvious ones are to think that the big stones are work and significance in life.when that becomes the big stones, the things that ought not to be big stones have taken the place of them and your jar has now 50% less space which should take much less space.

Motivational seminars normally just tell you up to the point of: Write down the "big stones" in your life according to you.

Nobody really tells you what the big stones ought to be. And the way people live is an epitome to the fact that work and fame is the biggest stone in life. Now, you might disagree with my evaluation of society's biggest stones - but it does remain that these 2 plays a big big role.

1. What you could work out from here is to find out "what are the REAL biggest stones?"

2. Work out the method by which you will find that out - trial and error? most people spend a lifetime to work these things out, and most don't get there finally. Or at least, on their deathbed, they replace "work" with "family", then they die after 4 months of realizing that - which is still an unproven theory in their mind.

3. If you fancy this, then work out the various expressions people have in trying to go with the priority principle method to life, or divine balance, or a mix of both, or work out other alternatives in which people try to organise their lives. What is the underlying worldview or philosophy that is cuasing them to live like that. Is it hedonism, or is it something else?

Preach it Brother!

One night, when I was talking with another pastor in a private conversation and told him that there were things that could be improved in his sermon, and listed out some things specifically. 

Admittedly, I wasn't as gentle as I should have been. This was somewhat the reply I got:

Knowing the facts is one thing, and communicating the facts is quite another. Maybe you should try preaching one day.

Being 20 years old, this was some exciting stuff. It was like "Oh yeah, you want to challenge me?" in my mind. Then I came to my senses a little later.

"Joel, you couldn't be that childish can't you? You want to learn to preach so that you can prove yourself worthy? No Joel, don't be that stupid"

It has been a week or so since that incident. 

Last Friday, I got an opportunity to share from the Bible to a small group of 30 people. I vividly remember that I got 2 other opportunities to speak last time - I was just babbling from my own experience, and trying to make some sense out of the Bible as I was speaking. It was horrible.

But this time, as I was preparing the Bible talk for Friday. I was thinking in my mind... 

"Joel, this time you have come back to Malaysia after claiming to have received sound teaching from the church in Australia. Serve the people well by sharing the Bible clearly, explaining it plainly and don't twist the Bible to suit your message. Don't shame the people that invested in your life. Gahhh! I'm so nervous"

Well, the Bible talk went quite okay. I made mistakes here and there, but generally it went well - its good to have people who are tolerant with you and put up with your mistakes.

Today, I went to church. I heard the sermon. I thought that there were aspects I couldn't agree with - but this time, I don't want to do the simple work and correct only certain points. What could I do?

• The truth of the matter is that I want to learn to share the Gospel clearly, being faithful to the text.
  

• I don't want to be looked down upon also because I am young.
  

• But neither do I want to preach the Gospel to prove myself worthy. I think it is a wrong motive altogether.
  

So, I think I want to take up the challenge:

Study the same passage that was preached. 

Put in time. Take it as a training for the future.

Preach it. Record it. Share it.

This is the current plan now. Am I willing to do it? and stick to it?

Sounds like an exciting challenge if you ask me. I think I want to take it up.

The Australian Experience

Its been 9 months already since I went to UNSW to study. When I entered it, I thought I would go in - join some clubs that would teach me campaigning skills, debating skills, shape my political mindset, and of course get my degree done with flying colours. Perhaps know people all over the world who would shape my mindset positively on whatever areas in life.

Pretty much what your parents expect of you. 

Sometimes they say it out, sometimes they don't.

Well, it turned out that I had to slog to just get revision done, and besides church - have no more time for whatever clubs. But I did get everything I wanted, and more.

I learnt that it is possible for a culture of "esteeming people of all professions equally" to exist. The construction workers dress well. The gardener and the garbage man greets you with a smile. It was weird initially for me, but I slowly caught up and learnt to say hello to strangers - with a smile... to hear them reply back "G'day !"

Now back in Malaysia, I remember to greet the waiters, smile at the janitor, and say thank you to shopkeepers.

Meeting the lecturers, I have learnt that it is possible to be patient enough to repeat what you just said more than 3 times and not blow up. They are happy to hear my questions, and they rejoice when I make progress. 

Now I have learnt to be a little more resistant to the kind of irritation that comes by being bombarded with questions - and be a little more patient. I also learnt not to rejoice at a genius only, but to rejoice when an ordinary person makes progress.

I learnt from the pastors to be diligent in studying the Bible - people might need guidance and ask questions at unexpected times. They are able to piece together different parts of the Bible and put it in an understandable way that is helpful to the hearers... instead of just giving a moral lessons based on some verses they pick out.

Now I learnt that a better understanding of the Bible also means a better understanding of ourselves, the trials that we go through, how to relate to others, and to make sense of this world we live in - economically, politically, and whatever nots.

I also met humble people - who is slowly influencing me to stoop a little lower. Humble people who makes my ego and pride look like pure stupidity... in a loving way.

Besides that, a little time off from people I am close to has made me realize what strings are controlling my life. There are some strings that need strengthening, some need to be cut off.

Of course, I also learnt to cook, do laundry, clean up, and be disciplined. 

When I sit down and think, and look around... 

Countless friends have strayed away from Jesus. 

8 out of 10? Maybe more.

But by some seemingly natural arrangement, I end up being surrounded by people whose zeal for God is only surpassed by their humility to share it with me. I learnt that in life, somethings just can't be repaid. We are just filled with gratefulness and know that it is only right that we pass it on. I also learnt that a lot of things can die off when we are contented with just talking.

God is good. How I wish that everybody can know this good God. 

When you don't know how long you will live, you know that it is never too early to do the important things in life that need to be done in life. I hope that I will be a preacher next time, and watch the effect of Jesus' death and resurrection continuing to change the world.

The Round Ball

My friend who guided me much in my life a season in my life - Josh always this:

"Life is like a round ball"

It was one of those corny lines like - Life is like a box of chocolates sort of thing. I don't ever remember him explaining what he meant by "Life is like a round ball"... but one thing I know, life goes on and on - like a round ball. You can be happy, you can be sad, life goes on... You may be half alive, you might be on top of the world... life goes on. Even if you die one day, the world just goes on.

Assignments come and go, different seasons in our life poses us different challenges... the challenges we faced and the decisions we made about them seems so childish now. But it did not look that childish back then. Should I live a few more years down the road, perhaps I would laugh at the reasons why I get depressed today.

Life going on and on - I learn that I could be the kind of person that never grows up. Very much like Love songs. The boyband sings about losing the one he loves 10 years ago, and they will continue singing about the same thing 10 years later. Perhaps I'm that kind of person, I'm afraid that in a few years time, I will become depressed over the things that depress me now. Since 7 years ago, I feel insecure and inferior over... more childish things... 7 years later, I feel insecure and inferior over childish things of a higher class. A more sophisticated kind of childishness.

It makes me think quite a bit how I live now. Behave your age? What do you mean by behave your age? I just cannot lose touch with my generation. As much as I want to keep in touch, the years of lonely thoughts have seperated me very much from... good and simple things in life. I don't think I know how to enjoy the company of another person. I always paint a picture of a perfect 10 in my mind, and tend to only praise people who are able to do the best - not so much their best.

Why? Who told me that "this is a real and practical world"? "If your perfect 10 is not the practical perfect 10 of the world, then it is no perfect 10"... I know the effort people put into their work. And many times... your perfect 10 is something harder to achieve than the world's perfect 10 - but why Joel? You know that it is hard to "give your all"... but why do you measure things the way the world measures?

This whole world is about relationships. Your mindset will kill you if you don't change. Like a round ball, you will continue living - but you will be more dead than alive. There are things that are worth giving up...

My mindset has defined me. My mindset is not only unhelpful (though helpful in certain things), but it is destructive to this world. You are a chaos, you are an outlaw, you are unloving... There are things I am willing to give up. I want to give up my thoughts. I want a new beginning. I want an assurance of a chance to turn a new leaf. I want to die to myself... so I can live. I am rotten beyond change, I need a new beginning - yet I the ugliness in me is pushing me to look like a perfect 10...

It is like...

Joel, if you repent, you have to get it right the first time you do it. How can you ever be wrong? SHIT Joel. You can be wrong and you are damn wrong at this point. You have conversations with yourself more than you have with God plus other people. Now, don't even try to turn your reluctance into a philosophy - and join in the league of the geniuses of self-denial. You hate it, and the reason is simple.

Fear. Fear is such an amazing things. It doesn't kill you, but it drains off your life. A life of paralysis. Thats what you are fighting Joel. You are fighting your fear to fight. What if they laugh and what if they sneer?

Do it anyway. But let me assure you my dear boy, they won't be laughing at you and sneering at your. The people around you care for you more than you ever cared for yourself. They see the simple things you will never see. And as pessimistic as this world is, I have got to give them the credit and put some faith in them to change me. Why be an individual?

I want to be an individual. But I realize that the prize of being an individual...well, I don't know what is the prize of being an "individual"... but I know whatever the prize is, I will take it alone. There is no one to celebrate with if there was ever such a prise - "The best individual in the world". There are people in my life that I love enough, to be willing to lose myself.

I can't always sit around and hope for some big-time-life-changing-event to come. Today is the life changing event. If today you cannot make a wise decision with a cool head, what makes me think I can make a better one when my head is hot? This is the problem with you Joel. You actually quarrel with yourself. You know it isn't an angel-devil-voice-in-the-head, you know it is just you who tries to want everything.

Hey Joel, sometimes having everything - even if it is possile... isn't the best thing. If everybody has too much, how can anybody share anything? If nobody lacks, how can we show love? Why on earth do you have the dumb idea that "much is good"? Well, you know you are not fully convinced that the whole idea of "much is good" is dumb... there is some measure of truth in there.

Sigh...

I know what I want. I want to live a normal life. This year I am 20. I am at my prime. I can't afford losing time. In my mind, I am a little glad that I am learning through this all. If you never said no... I would be living in dreamland. But now that you said no, I thank you. It has been long since I realized that life ain't a bed of roses. There are things that cannot be rushed... growth takes time, but I know that there is such a thing as "refusing to grow up".

I want to grow up well.
I want to grow up well.
I want to grow up well.

I am a boy.but I cannot stay a boy forever. I may know a little more things, but if I stay a boy... the good things I know will one day be my stumbling block. I don't want to grow old without growing up. I know many old people who has never grown up. Yet because of the very same reason, I know that I do not love them enough to give them my life to love them enough to teach them.

Grow up Joel. Learn to do something good without hoping for a reward. Learn to consider growth a reward. Learn to consider giving as a blessing. I know people who consider giving as a blessing because it gives them some self worth... No, I don't want my worth to be defined by my giving.

I want to cry. I want to cry. I want to cry. I want to cry because I know nobody can change my mind. I am in dire need of some love and support. I will degrade from boy to baby. But perhaps that is one thing I need to learn, to be humble enough to accept help. After all, whether I grow up or not... life goes on.

The Man

Quite a fair bit is written about Jesus' birth, a handful about him as he grew from a tween to teen, many chapters about the 3 years of His ministry, and many chapters about the last few days of His life on earth.

I was somewhat looking for a model to follow - if Jesus is 20 years old, what is He like?

At 12, Jesus was reasoning with teachers in the temple. The record before this event is Luke 2:40

And the child became strong; he was filled with wisdom, and the grace of God was upon Him.

Then after the discourse with the teachers - up till perhaps 30 years old, Luke 2:52 says:

And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.

If I am looking for a model to follow, I suppose this is all I have. Even reading through the entire Bible, one would find that authors were not so concerned with the in between years. It seems that almost everybody is a grown up man when history is recorded.

I thought through different reasons why this is so:

"Hey, they are recording history, isn't that how all history books are? Always describing the activities of man in form of the things they accomplished, countries involved, advances discovered?"

"Paper is expensive, they must have only recorded the most important things"

There are a few more similar reasons. But now I am considering this...

The Bible is God's Word, His story - perhaps by the way He chooses to reveal things (what He reveals and doesn't reveal) I can know what is important. By the proportion of chapters devoted to Jesus' life in the Gospel - it is apparent that it is His life and words during His ministry is most significant, only second to His death and resurrection.

I would not doubt this sort of emphasis do point us to the centrality of Jesus (and His Cross) in the whole Bible. But does this portion also imply that the whole point of my life is my ministry to people? Then my whole life up till before I become involved in some public ministry is just some sort of preparation? The Bible seems to always record a few significant events in a person's life and how that has played a role in the whole Bible - and more or less nothing more about the person's life. With the exceptions of a few characters of course.

I realize that because of my biased mind who is seeking for answers that perhaps the authour never intended to offer - I start to interpret passages the way I want to see it. Whatever that might be just a simple description I could be just making it to a model in life. Yet in the midst of all these things, I will hold on to the security of the 2 verses above that I think is crucial.

The first verse mention that Jesus became strong, filled with wisdom, and had the grace of God was upon Him - I take that to mean that God had favour with Him. The second verse mention that Jesus grew physically, grew in wisdom, and had favour with God and men.

So growing up physically and strong - I don't know if there is supposed to be anything significant with it. With the excpetion of intoxicants and unhealthy diet, i suppose this to mean normal physical growth.

The second one that would be more of interest is that Jesus grew in wisdom. So I'm supposed to be growing in wisdom during these years.

Jesus also grew in favour with God (this is common to both). How do I grow in favour with God?

The third was growing in favour with men. Now this is one thing I lack. But the Bible also teaches that Jesus did not seek the approval of men, yet he had favour with men. How does this work? I know too few people who do not seek the approval of men but still have favour with men - hence me.

I still have quite a bit to digest.

Crap

I feel that everything is just so slow. Time passes too slowly. People think too slowly. People talk to slowly.


I realize the world isn't like Engineering.


A good telecommunication system transfer as much data as possible within the shortest span of time without errors.


But human relationships aren't like that.


You talk, you spend time. You can tell the truth yet it takes more than facts for another person to believe. Even if the person believes, it takes time to sink in. Somehow, communication between two people isn't just... passing information.


An engineering system basically needs one thing. Improvement. EVERYTHING is measured in terms of performance. But I realize that very few things in human life is measured by performance. Happiness isn't always the best thing, neither is sadness the worst thing.


Loneliness mean NOTHING in engineering. But it is better for a person to die than to be lonely.


I'm stressed. I have a hard time to piece everything together. I feel like a machine. I feel so much a machine that it is hard to communicate - transmit information to another person... in a normal way.


Save me.


I feel conflict everywhere I go. The only time I am conflict free is when I deal with abstract things like ideas and concepts. I dislike machines. I dislike people. I do not like teamwork.


Yet I know, without people - what is the world? What is life?


I have been climbing a ladder. Some people climb the corporate ladder and strive to get high paying jobs and strike it rich.


I have been climbing a ladder - I have been thinking of things in a way that is inconsistent with many things. I see the same things - but I don't see anything. I perceive, but I'm blind. Thoughts enter my mind, but emotions... I have them - yet I feel half a human.


I am somehow on the wrong ladder.


Shit.


Joel screwed up but doesn't know the alternative.

Convictions and Preferences

For the general population, everybody wants to be respected. Everybody wants to be heard. Everybody wants to know that their opinion is valued. Yet so often, many of us feels as though our words fall on deaf ears. When we want share something important and crucial, people treat it as just another opinion - which they so often dismiss. Some of us try to make jokes, make everybody happy, in hope that in the time of need somebody will take our views seriously.

This blog post will be about Convictions and Preferences - The roles they play in being heard

Conviction
2 a: the act of convincing a person of error or of compelling the admission of a truth
b: the state of being convinced of error or compelled to admit the truth
3 a: a strong persuasion or belief
b: the state of being convinced

Preference
1 a: the act of preferring : the state of being preferred b:
the power or opportunity of choosing
2: one that is preferred

(Merriam Webster Online Dictionary)

Merriam Webster aside, I would simply say that values such as Truth, Love, Justice, Courage and all other noble values as conviction - I consider them non-debatable. Other things such as supporting Manchester United or Arsenal, the "lala" fashion which I quite dislike, choosing purple over blue - all these are preferences, it would not be immoral to choose one over the other. If we want to be heard, we need more convictions and less preference.

Consider a man with many preferences and little convictions:
He supports "whatever" football team. Every other day, he talks about how good "Whatever" is and how lousy the others are. He rants about the crazy Japanese "lala" fashion going around.

Or Consider those girl's friendster accounts
(Nothing personal, just examples):

I lyKe:
PinK
OxOx ChocOcS

Hatez:
BaCkStAbbErz
BiTchEs
gUyZ wHo SmoKeszzz

As we all grow up, we start to learn of more important things in life. How much can you make of a person who goes on everyday about their favourite colour, football team, and fashion? That person's daily conversation kills his reputation!

Consider this quote:

It is better to shut up and let people think we are stupid... than to open our mouths and confirm it

I certainly hope that we all become noble men who live adventurous lives, fights battles, champion causes. Yet if we do not live such a life, keeping quiet would do more good. How we wish sometimes "that" guy in class would just stop talking for a moment. Sometimes, oblivious to us, we are "that" guy. Some self check would be very helpful now.

Consider this:
Who are the people we admire, why?

Keep in mind, there will be people you mix well with due to common preferences ( e.g. same football team ), because they are just like you. People feel comfortable being around people who are like themselves.

Yet know this too, there will be people that you might not always spend time with, yet respect - this sort of admiration transcends preferences. There is something in their heart that burns so brightly, that you would want it very much. Wherever they go, they command respect ( not demand ) - and people willingly respect them for the best reasons. Not long after that, a special bond is created, much stronger than the bond of preference - because deep down in our hearts, there will always be a voice that tells us what really matters in life.

A summary of the illustrations above:
Our Convictions and Preferences tell people about our character. If we are all Preferences and no Convictions, we live a very shallow life indeed.
The people of this world is bored and tired with shallowness - they want the real thing. Sweets and candies are nice for a while, yet we can't live on those.
Preferences change over time: Fashion, Celebrities, etc. If our lives are full of preferences and we become popular because of that, as much as our preferences become our foundation - we will lose everything when the time is over.

Some among us happen to be funny people. We can make jokes out of nowhere. People like us. However, the ability to joke should also be a preference. As we grow up, the kind and the amount of jokes we enjoy would be different. We might sometimes intend good, yet our reputation is simply a funny guy. Again, being funny is like candy, a very tasty candy at that - but nevertheless, a candy.

Yet if there is one man who holds on to truth, it will be valuable all the time. People might laugh at such an idea considering the world we live in is so corrupted, yet almost every other person will deeply respect a man of integrity.

Remember the story about "The boy who cried wolf"?
Essentially, the story is about breaking trust to the extent nobody believes us anymore.

OR

We can also take it when we talk too much senseless things, nobody would want to hear us anymore when we talk sensibly.

Some of us talk too much unnecessary issues and care too little about things that ought to consume our attention. Then in the time of need, we find it that we are not used to speak the right words. People might try hard to listen to us, yet their mind echoes joker, joker, joker...

When we properly evaluate our lives and rearrange it - to view preferences in the right perspective and concentrate on things that really matter in life ( which would fall into the conviction category ), we will soon find our lives filled with much more meaning. Besides that, we would be welcomed at more places and have more friends since we have less prejudices (preferences such as race, language, age, etc.)

Engineered Life

1. Get a life

2. Get passionate about life

3. Do your best (intellectually, physically, spiritually, emotionally) to fit into life

4. Continue to find out more about life

5. Talk with people about life

6. Fail more

7. Be so convicted of truth

8. Persuade people to your thinking and fail even more

9. If needed, lose your reputation and do whatever needful to promote life

10. Live the life and let people come to you