Dad, Calvary Church, Skepticism, Toiletries and a Break

Coming back to Malaysia, one of my main priorities is my dad. He should be retiring by now, but he loves his work and he loves to go around - so he is still working. He has yet to believe in Jesus, and I am concerned about him.

Spending time with my dad is good. It helps me see why I am who I am today.

Why do I speak the way I do?
Why do I question things the way I do?
What things to I get offended by?

I never realised how similar I am to my dad, though quite different. He bases his trust on himself mostly, he is more self-made. I trust in Jesus, though in a worldly point of view, I "technically" worked to where I am today. But the style we approach issues are so similar.

Last night, we had dinner outside - and suddenly, I found out that my dad quit smoking. As far as I know, he has been smoking for more than 40 years. An asthma attack during work (in some dusty construction place) made him sick of the place. It was bad enough that he stayed home for 2 weeks without going for work. And SUDDENLY, keyword SUDDENLY, he said he doesn't want to smoke. Naturally, I think this is a result of the asthma. But when I ask him, it isn't really about the asthma. It was not something that he actually decided by willpower. It was just

"I woke up one day, and smoking isn't the thing for me - it suddenly causes uneasiness in my throat"

I like the sound of these things. He still drinks though. But whatever, I like my dad drinking. I think he talks more when he drinks and it helps me bond with him. Coming home this time, I bought my parents a pair of iPod shuffle. Sitting down and just help my parents get more used to technology is pretty fun. It warms my heart to know that they are willing to learn. Definitely, I do not want to be in a position of "teaching my parents" in the arrogant sense.

During dinner last night, our family was suddenly talking about masseurs, reflexology, and how everybody seems to be in the business. So many practitioners who probably have no proper training seem to just print that "foot chart" off google images and start opening their own practice.

My dad was saying things along:

"I trust the technology. I don't doubt that these things can work and are probably scientific.... But IT'S THE BUGGER I DON'T TRUST"

He went on talking about how some of the people who seem to take pictures with important "datuk's" to back their claim of almost miraculous healing powers are all a joke - cos they were actuallly just demonstrating some techniques to them, and wasn't curing anything particular anyway.

Then he quoted the day's newspaper about Calvary Church. Apparently, the Senior Pastor is accused of "mismanagement of funds". The STAR article can be found here. He said this because he was talking about how American Reverends seem to come to Malaysia, to stadium negara, and pray for people and they get miraculously healed. I remember Josh saying, if they can really do that:

"Go to the hospital"

Well, Josh was a doctor.

Anyways, the whole chat over the dinner continued to be filled with more and more skepticism. And since Calvary Church was on the newspaper that day because of these issues - there was lots of "I'm not quite sure about these super respected pastors anymore". It is understandable, Calvary Church is probably the BIGGEST Megachurch in Malaysia and highly influential.

My mind was thinking of how to answer my dad during dinner. No, I had no intention of defending Calvary Church, or Prince Guneratnam. I was just thinking how to give them another strike. I was thinking how can I discredit the prosperity gospel more? How can I affirm that my dad's skepticism is valid?

At this point, it is important that I clarify a few things. One of the things that I learnt from my dad is "how to argue". Don't make mistakes, because once you do, my dad will remind you how you have made the mistake not only this time he caught you, but also last week/month/year. If he has reminded you of the issue more than a few times, then he would have "told you SO MANY TIMES", such that "are you stupid or what?"

That may sound like unfair argument tactics. Most of us would think it as "forgetfulness". But I know it is laziness. My dad is a very gracious person, but he isn't gracious when he is scolding you. He doesn't correct a mistake per se, he tells you things about your character. Sometimes it is true, sometimes it is exaggerated, but nonetheless, I learnt from him how to phrase arguments in a way that make people feel guilty.

This is the thing I learnt from him. Feel guilty or not, doesn't matter - It is better that you feel guilty, then you will do something about it. In our polite society, we tend to be courteous in a bad way such that if there was something to be corrected - we do it so politely that it is almost our fault to mention that somebody has a fault. He is a polite and friendly man to his friends, but if you are wrong, YOU ARE WRONG.

I love my dad. If there is one thing I learn from him, it is integrity. I'm not saying that he doesn't bribe policemen. Thats a different thing. But he doesn't pretend to be nice, he hates hypocrisy not the way the general public do. He has a dislikes it in a vocal way.

He was just talking about policemen stopping him for traffic offence. He knows what they want. They know what he wants. We all want less trouble, and he doesn't mind paying RM50 so that he doesn't need to pay RM300. The problem is the policeman starts lecturing my dad.

"Ini susah tahu, you lepas lampu merah, sangat bahaya tahu... hari itu, ada satu kes sama, kes serious... ..."

In my dad's heart: "Eh... Shaaddup la, tell me how much you want"

Because, truly enough, after a few moments, the question is : "So, sekarang macam mana?"

Pay RM50, then the policeman pretends to write something and sends you off.

The thing is this, my dad doesn't mind the question "So macam mana nak settle?" He just hates the drama that goes before it. Firstly, it wastes his time. Secondly, please stop bullshitting me and get to the point. Being pretentious is just "yuck". Being raised up by my father, my brother and I hates pretense with a passion.

Skepticism is also one thing I learnt from my father. Because of the "don't tell me cock and bull stories please" attitude,I have learnt to question things naturally. Mix it all up together
1.hating pretense,
2.skepticism,
3. and making sure you get it if I catch you making a mistake)

Its such a beautiful combination. In my dad's mind, it is often "This people are so stupid and gullible, they haven't fallen for another "conman-who-promises-you-a-million-dollars-if-you-only-give-him-100,000" trick". The whole "everybody is so stupid" thing, yes, I caught it from my dad. Now, my dad isn't claiming to be extra smart, but he does have a point how people can be so stupid.

Reading the Bible, it has given me a framework WHY people can behave in such illogical ways. Of course, I do stupid stuff at many times. I get scolded by my dad often enough to know it. And hey, I think I turned out quite good. I sort of consider myself as a product of "good upbringing".

Now at this point of time, i know you the reader might think of issues like self-righteousness, and how arrogant I am to say things the way I do. Well, it is hard to convince you I am not trying to say things that way. Another thing I caught from my dad is "don't explain yourself". It is like the guy who - the more he defends himself, the more you suspect that he is in the wrong. My dad's integrity is good enough for you to trust that his intentions are good. If you doubt it, he doesn't need to explain it - it is your fault.

Now, my dad is not Christian, but there are many aspects of God that I learn from my dad. I learn things like how "His Word is good enough". If I give you my word, that is as good as done. I learn from my dad the value of a good name. I learn from my dad to hate pretense. I deduce that being honest, and sometimes blunt with a person is the way to respect another person. I learnt from my dad to "get to the point".

As I was chatting with my dad last night. I also realised that he starts repeating himself more. Is it a sign of aging? i.e. he forgets what he says. Maybe, I hope not. My dad has a good mind and I wish that he stays alert for a much longer period.

From what I caught from him, I think he wants to make himself very clear. And he has an assumption of people "not getting the point" or "not understanding what he is saying". Perhaps it is also that he wants to make his stand VERY CLEAR. Ambiguity is not his thing. The reason I guess this is because... I do that. I repeat things. I repeat because I think most people don't get what I am trying to say. I don't want you to ever tell me "I didn't know" after I told you something a million times.

Of all these things I have learnt from my dad, I only hope that he will apply his skepticism to look at the Bible. To know that the truth of God is so good that it is bulletproof. To see God's integrity. Sometimes, I hate all these politeness is because that there has been too many pretentious who has given politeness a bad name. Being polite has such a negative connotation to it, it no longer works in helping people see the truth. My dad is so skeptical of Christianity. I understand that yes, it is human to reject God. But I think that people are making rejecting God easier. But well, I do look forward to the day when my dad becomes Christian.

One of the things I learnt in all these is that I caught more from my dad than what I learn (if you get what I mean). I just never thought the influence would be so significant. This is how you know i'm his son. I'm just thinking of how this works out in the case where God is my Father. Ideas about "rubbing it (attitudes, convictions,etc) off God". But yeah, if anybody out there wonders where I get my passion and character from, it is the providence of God to put make me the son of my father. From God, I get the sanctified version of it. I think I'm starting to understand more what Jesus was saying when he was telling the Pharisees "Your father is the devil". I think, in some way, my father helped me love Jesus. That Jesus Guy is just so ... STRONG. "Your father is the devil". That sort of bold God-talk, boils my blood and send chills down my spine.

Anyway, on toiletries. I bought so much of them yesterday. I want to have a "good first impression". I was just looking through the "body sprays" section. I saw deodarant + perfume. Then I remembered Mitchell telling me what "for men" means. I think it is something about some special scent to attract the opposite sex - like we are some animals and we can use scents to psychologically trick them to believe that we are more manly than we really are.

As I thought about it, I couldn't help giggling. Its just so funny, cos I'm thinking "heheheh, I'm gonna buy one! I'm gonna buy one!" I bought breath sprays, shoe deodorizer, listerine,shampoo, body shampoo, facial cleanser, shaver.

As I was browsing, I saw "lubricant". I looked around, then I saw condoms. I was giggling again - no, its not because I'm getting it. Its just the kind of primary school joke - like how we laughed at "sifat sifat manusia". If you don't get the joke, ask a Malaysian cantonese friend. So I'm thinking...

Lubricants! ahhahahah....
Condom!.... ahahhaha!
Just shoot.. hahahaha.... watermelon flavour.... really???

Somehow, I don't know why, I forgot to buy the body spray. I will surely get it someday. Never used these stuff before.

Ah! I have a short break ahead of me, I better use my time wisely - and not degrade to a loaf of bread who plays computer games day and night.

500 days of summer

This is a different kind of movie review. It only makes sense if you watched it already. More like an interpretation of the movie. I wont go through the whole story line, but to just highlight somethings. Of course, I am not the authour, so I might just misrepresent him by over-reading into it. and I probably don't mind somebody tellng me what I interpreted is wrong.

Things that I will attempt to explain are:

1. The ordering of days, why isn't it the traditional movie that follows proper chronology, or just the good ol' flashback - instead it jumps all over the place
2. What and why Tom ( and Summer ) says what each of them say
3. What was Summer talking about when she sat on the bench with Tom and said things like "I just woke up and realize..." to which Tom gave a snort
4. The significance of them swapping views towards the end

First things first.

1) The ordering of days. I think this is a simple one, most people get it.

It is how we think.

Yes, thats the answer. When everything has happened, we think in frames like that. A sum of little events. We think " Ahh, I remember those good times... then I remembered how he did something totally different..." After a whole noon thinking that, we think of another event that happened between us and our loved one again, there is comparison and contrast in those different days. Remember the time in the movie where there was a split screen?

Reality and expectation? That is how we think - And each frame contributes to the story in a unique way. It also shows 2 things: The individual highs and lows of each event, but also if you notice, how things were actually progressing one by one - there was a point where it was just holding broken pieces together, and waiting, and waiting.

2) Remember the office happy night out thing?
McKenzie was a lil drunk, and asks Summers if she has a boyfriend? and further on, we also have a frame of Summers telling about all her ex-boyfriends?(plus that girlfriend)
Summers developed a view about the whole thing of "not going to fall in love", not being someone else's someone. And Tom was saying the total opposite. The deal is this: Summers is confused and she doesn't know what she is saying. She has a self protection kind of mentality to avoid the possible disasters that might come with it. Why own a pet dog to love it when it might possibly die and break your heart one day? DON'T OWN is the way out. A little bit of her - but not quite. Anyway, she wanted to believe that by just "being friends" with Tom would take away that problem. Ultimately, she wants the "gifts" that come with relationship, but would hope that she doesn't need to pay the "price" of commitment. More to comment on the whole "price" thing.

3)Tom wanted a label. Having a label is being someone's somebody. It is to be attached, your identity is defined no longer by simply who you are, but by your relationships. You are someone's father, someone's child, another person's wife, etc. This is what the world shouts at us, we just want to have casual sex, no commitments - "as long as it harms no one, do whatever you will". Of course, Tom gave in to Summers who didn't really know what she wanted. Or rather, what she wanted was a deep committed relationship, but she doesn't quite believe in the existence of it - so the next best thing is to have the perks of the relationship at least. Tom wasn't thinking initially about any deep long term relationship that has commitments to it - like a real marriage. All Tom wanted was Summers. Whatever Summers wanted, he wanted - because he just wanted Summers... even if it went against what he understood to be true.

Ahh, forget the numberings... it doesn't relate point to point anymore...

Anyways...

This is a situation. A man started out knowing what he wants. and a lady being hardened by her past - she kinda knows what she wants, but doubting the existence of it, she gets confused and does not know what she wants anymore.

Guy meets girl, got blown away. The "theory" he understood... he is willing to throw it away for the girl. At least for the moment. Maybe he thought "If only I gave her enough time, she might just change her mind, and decide that falling in love, committing to a marriage might be a good thing".

But over time, that understanding blurrs. Tom wanted some security. He clarified with Summers in the car. Summers diverted the question away. Tom gave in, he thinks things are still going okay. But deep inside Summers, things are not right. She faces a conflict. What she wants is a deep relationship that has commitment, she isn't quite aware of that in her mind... to her it is illogical.

Now, this is the part where the bench thing is explained.

Summers woke up one fine day, and realised that what she couldn't get from Tom is exactly what she believed didn't exist. Suddenly, she believes that it existed. Tom could not give her the security that comes with a long term relationship. It makes no sense to Tom.

Tom was the one who wanted a real deep committed relationship in the beginning (remember the part where he said things like.... SHOWER SEX? Casual friends my ass!). Tom wanted it, Summers didn't. Tom gave in to believe in what Summers believe. Now Summers changed - what the hell is Tom supposed to do? Because of Summers, Tom has become a person that is different. To Summers, Tom is no longer a reliable candidate as a husband if he gave in to this "casual friends" nonsense. Summers made Tom into another person, and now she doesn't like it. Tom had no spine in the beginning, but loved Summers more than he should - In the end, Tom gets confused and Summers wakes up.

The truth is this:
Its a little bit like a partying girl who goes clubbing all the time. Does she want a good husband, a good future? YES! She might or might not put it that way, but she definitely wants it. Yet, the goodie way of going about relationships, is just taking too long, its conservative, and you probably dont get the hottest girls. The hottest girls have bought the lie that they are so hot, so they go to places where they are worshipped all day long.

Now. The time will surely come, when she realizes her empty lifestyle.

The guys she used to hang out in the clubs: She know who they are deep inside. She wouldn't want to marry a guy from the club. She knows why she was in the club the first place, and he sure know that he is in for the girls, and hoping to get laid by the end of the night. She wakes up - but the guy was blindly mislead all along, and wonders why she has changed.

So, what do I want to conclude with:
If you are a guy, know what is right and wrong... what is good and bad. The girl might know what is good and bad too, but chances are that you lead the relationship and you make calls. If she is heading down the wrong path, correct her as a friend, "walking together down the wrong path" might earn you her friendship for a while - but when she wakes up, she will realize that things should have been different from the beginning.
As much as guys... girls don't always know what they are talking about. Know the right thing, do the right thing. But in general as humans, the truth is... we are all like Summers: Most of us, most of the time "don't know what is good or bad for us".

It always take a decade or 2 before we realize things.
When we were young, our parents instructed us in ways which we disliked. When we grow older, we come to udnerstand things better and thank them for forcing their way and shoving those veggies down.
As we work, there are things we hold in high regard. We don't believe much of the nonsense like relationships are more important than work. But we believe lies that teach us to measure success by all the wrong rulers. Then before we die, we start to realize that we have been really missing out on things because of the lies we believe.

Truth is this:
It doesn't have to be this way.

Tom could have acted differently, being being a good man who had the spine to not give in. It wasn't a "never meant to be" thing. If Tom stayed strong, Summers might have reconsidered her position, and went after Tom who she could respect. The last man you want to marry is somebody who has everything but ... someone you have no respect for.

But... two roads diverged in a yellow wood. One things leads on to another, Summers might not have realized her error if it were not the disaster of having a "casual friendship" with Tom. Tom changed too, for better or for worse.

Which was why I wrote earlier:

Good thing my Heavenly Father knows better and gave me what I need more than what I want. In due time, as I grow into maturity, I will respect Him for that and be fulfilled by having what I truly need. As of now, we as sinful human beings, have distorted desires - it is good that God doesn't give in like Tom. But as i look back, I have been Tom many times, and I have been Summer quite a few times. It is good that with God, there is forgiveness through Jesus Christ. With Jesus, there is a new beginning - a true new beginning - not some "vain and baseless perspective of forgetting the past so that you can live for tomorrow". After all, truth is what we need. Lies can pretend to make us satisfied for a while, until ignorance is no longer bliss.

500 days of summer, catfeeding, Buddhism, Ethics, Glory, Sarcasm

I just watched 500 days of summer
And I am not surprised that I understood what was happening all along, and why certain words were said. And I remember that it is a good thing that our parents don't always give us what we want. If they did, and when we learn some sense as we grow up, we would have despised those actions.
And most of all, our Heavenly Father that knows better than us who gives us what is good for us even when we are all a little like Summer. May God help us "wake up one morning" and "be sure" of the thing that... the world didn't and couldn't give us.

I also have been hearing "good reports" from fellow catfeeders
I am in charge of 2 relatively friendly cats on campus. I get to pat Poppy, but Coco is too shy for me to touch her. I used to be unable to understand why people actually like cats - dogs are a million times friendlier. Cats are like hot girls. They don't give you a rip. Cute dogs are like hot girls that actually care about you. Those high-class cats' affection are hard to earn, and they are pretty loyal. Some catfeeders finally got the chance to pat the cats they feed after about a year of feeding. It was joy for them. So i guess, somethings are not about possessing, but rather earning it.
Reminds me, Jesus is God, divine and worshipped all along - afterall, He is the Creator and has a right to everything. But I like to know the fact that Jesus earned His name. " And He humbled Himself, to the point of death on a cross, therefore God gave Him the name that is above all names, that at His name every knee shall bow"

Attended the Bodhi Night
I left early, but got the chance to hear the sermon by the nun on impermanence. The non-buddhist phrase for that is "the only constant in the world is change". Mainly about how change is inevitable in the universe, we ought not to hold a grudge against a universal law, much like we shouldn't be hating gravity, it is stupid and absurd. Rather, since we know that incidents happen due to a collection of causes and circumstances, we ought to recreate those circumstances and conditions and reap the harvest of success of it. Don't fret that things don't turn out our way, it is just that the causes and conditions have changed - do some reverse engineering, and recreate your future. Don't get too attached to the present, it will change! continuously work for the future and havest the fruit of the past. That is the gist of what I got, might not be everything, but I have been given better promises than this.
This whole cycle that I live through - to sin, repent, receive forgiveness from God, and repeat - looks like it will never change. Like a universal law "to err is human". Birth, life, death and decay is a constant cycle in life. But Buddhists, studying the world as a closed system, do not know that this constant cycle will very soon be changed. In fact, the change has begun, it will build up momentumn and thunder through eternity. Jesus will come just as He has come once, He will put an end to what we have been living with thousands of years. The history of human sinfulness, the effects of it will be changed, and it has already started. The data that Buddha worked with, how he saw the sufferings of this world, the cycle which this world goes through - a sight which set him on the path to Enlightenment... yes, those data will very soon be irrelevant. In fact, He never saw through the temporal world, not because he was stupid, but because he never knew that the world was NEVER a closed system. The Creator has His eye on it, and has entered it to save all humanity, and change history forever. Too bad the Enlightened One never lived to see that day.

Did studies on Ethics
Been taking this subject called Ethics and Leadership in uni. It is not surprising that the whole course is about exercising your brain cells to understand morality - but somehow it goes just about there. After all, it is written in the course outline (paraphrased) "This course is not suppsed to make you more ethical, it is about how to think ethically". This is somethings I hate about modern philosophy and all the spiritual guru stuff - it is like the lazy employee - always seem to be working hard, but nothing much ever comes out of it besides some mish mash that leave people where they started off.
But the goals are pretty realistic. If a subject in uni could have cured the human problem of wickedness, I'd be a lecturer. It was at first crazy to think that some human problem required God to die, thousand year old prophecy to be fulfilled, and expectancy of a Saviour coming in the future. But looking at the lame attempts by humans, it isn't that crazy afterall. This whole talk about humans needing God to change our wicked heart(not improve it, but change), about how it would take "God to live in us" to possibly reverse the madness and depth of our error, this whole talk about we being insufficient to be self-saviours but needing external help... yeah, those things that Christians talk about sounds like a better solution than a "Yes we can". Well, that fella is trying hard to be a good president, I applaud him for that, but somethings are just out of his control. It must be a hard lesson to learn that America isn't capable of miracles.

Leart about achievement and glory
I remember singing "history maker" kind of Christian songs when I was in high school. Its about how we are so inspired by great people in the past who did great work in Chrstianity, how we could be like them if we worked hard enough, trusted God enough, and whatever -enoughed. It was about "achieving great things for God", glory was something we earned to give God. You know? Do well in your studies "by God's strength", and then when people ask, somehow credit it to God and say that He was the main force behind it. I kinda got that idea during my formative years as a young Christian.
But then when I read that glorifying God essentially means growing to be Christlike, I was thinking "Surely I can't be hearing bullshit all along about glorifying God being being a superstar Christian?" Well, I didn't hear just nonsense, but just that I was misguided by sincere people with good intentions. And sometimes, I think good intentions did more harm in history than plain wickedness. I don't know. Maybe someday we will have a Facebook quiz for that. Facebook has quizzes for everything, from "when I will die" to "who I will marry" to how many "%" lucky I am today. I thought people who accessed the internet were smarter than that, but apparently internet is so accessible anybody could use it.
I remember reading verses like "God will look on that successful man who glorifies Him most by being the famous preacher/musician who everybody adores", or was it "Here is who I will look at - one who has a broken and contrite spirit, one that trembles at My Word". I don't know, probably the first one, they seem to say that a lot in many popular churches, sounds like something everybody loves to hear, like good reports from the government about how the whole country is in fact very united with only very few unwanted dissenters. But well, I'm learning that faithfulness in small things trumps those big achievements. Surely God is worth my limelight glorious moments, but He is worth more than that, He is worth every single breath of my inglorious moments - for in my weakness God's sufficiency is made all the more obvious.

Sarcasm
I have friends who are so innocent in some ways that they don't realize when I am being sacarstic. I admire that. And to some extent, I wished I were a little more like them, instead of having ideas and images that shout violence, hatred and lust shouting through my mind. Ignorance is bliss, sometimes. I love those people, they have a privilege that few people have. Some of us understand jealousy perfectly well, because we are people who get jealous often. They are the ones who don't get jealous much, because they don't see what is there to be jealous about. Jealousy is a foreign concept. Sounds good not to know too much bad stuff eh?
But back to sarcasm, some people just don't use their brain enough to know the difference.
That is how I used to think a lot. Until God revealed to me the laziness and the wicked thoughts that I am capable of having. It puts things in perspective, it isn;t always about how much you know... but in God's eyes, how much you do about what you know. Often, we don;t do much about what we know, we don't do what we ought to, no matter how virtuous and loving it may be. Which brings us back to the same level - all common sinners who desperately need forgiveness, or else we would do justice to send each other to hell.