US Elections and Exams Must be Clouding My Mind

I went shopping.I saw a section for stationery.

And guess what they sold?




UNSW Past Year Exam Papers that comes with SOLUTIONS!
I saw the '04, '05, and '06 papers! ( In the real world, we students don't get access to ALL of the past year papers )

How AMAZING. Now I can be more prepared for my final examinations.

Then I entered into a high school, SMKSJ. Many of the students joined the LEO club.

LEO club was actually not the normal LEO club that we know, but it was actually a REPUBLICAN Political party.

Lee Kuan Yew was actually from the LEO Club in that school and the Principal of the school was a member of the Parliament. Many of the students that attended the school are actually students with political ambitions - probably to take over the country, studying was just a cover up.

Then... I woke up.

ANYWAY, the main point of this post is a pretty good article in Facebook from my High School friend

Cheng Leong

It is about the US Elections

Here goes:

For many including myself, Barack Hussein Obama's victory in his campaign for the 44th US Presidency represents the simple triumph of rational and liberal thought over racial bigotry. It is a rare gust of fresh air onto the rotten stage of politics, especially within our local arena where the real criterion of leadership has become truly questionable.

Indeed, the long-range effects of Obama's worldshakers have been felt right here at home. Already many of my fellow acquaintances are wondering aloud if Malaysia would ever have a non-Bumiputra at its helm.

But let us not get too ahead of ourselves. Here, we must take care to not overstate the significance of Mr.Obama's African heritage. It is equally important to remember that we are not celebrating the defeat of a previously dominant race, nor the triumph of any particular minority (though the afro-americans could hardly be called a minority).

Instead, what is worth applauding here is a nation that has progressed enough in its ideals of equal opportunity that it can appoint a man that it thinks has the necessary qualities to become its leader, DESPITE the color of his skin.

White Obama Black McCain. Credit to Tor Myhren.

The poster beseeches us to let the issues be the issues. It is a pretty well-made point: look underneath the surface and understand what each candidate (or party in our case) is actually advocating. Let us also realise that race is ultimately just a human concept, and it can be readily cast aside if only we allow ourselves to look beyond it.

It is my hope that one day, our nation would grow up enough to be able to do the same. To those who have been hoping for a Chinese or Indian PM, let race not be an issue here. If a man is best positioned to govern our country, then by all means put him there, whatever the color of his skin. In fact, I believe the best thing to happen to Malaysia right now would arrive in the form of a Bumiputra reformist, simply because it would be far easier for him to restore the faith and rebuild trust amongst the races.

Do recall that in late 19th century, it took a white man, Abraham Lincoln, and one of the bloodiest wars in American history in order to end Black Slavery. The US did not elect a non-white president on a whim. The path leading to this long awaited election was paved by great revolutionaries and ordinary people alike, who believed in fighting for what they felt in their hearts was right. It was not until today, more than 200 years since its formation, that the United States finally proved once and for all that it was capable of overcoming any racial barrier, even one as firmly lodged as the door to the Oval Office.

Indeed, Malaysia is hungry for the emergence of one such revolution, though admittedly it will be a great many years before she will become ready to let a non-Bumiputra represent her interests. But I truly believe that day will come.

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Engineering Nightmare

Date: 31/10/2008

My exam timetable was originally this:

Mathematics 2B on 29/10/2008
Control Systems on 31/10/2008

Me blogging now....

Analogue Electronics on 11/11/2008
Mobile and Satellite Communications on 12/11/2008

The problem is this: I had 5 exam papers in 4 days. Not exactly 5. It is more like

2 + 3i

I dreamt that I sat for 3 imaginary exam papers in my dream. To wake up to find out that the stress i faced was... imaginary, is pretty disappointing.

The Math 2B paper was really some exciting crap.

Event 1: Halfway through the 3 hour paper, I wanted to pee.
(I did go to the loo right before the paper)

Event 2: I was lagging about 20 minutes behind time.

Conclusion: Didn't go to pee, cannot complete paper. This is the first time this happened to me. to resist peeing for more than an hour - balancing the tension of completing the paper and resisting to pee.

After the paper, I found out that I'm not the only one who wanted to go the toilet. Now, I secretly hope that everybody did as bad as me, so that the lecturer will be forced to moderate the paper and scale the marks up.

Let me jot down some lifeless thing I did last night with my engineering classmates

We sat down.
Took out a piece of paper.
Calculated some scores.
Drew a graph.

Using the statistics we learn in Math 2B, we started calculating the probability that our marks would be scaled higher. We found that the scale is exponential in nature, (i.e. the lower marks you get, the higher the percentage of scaling).

However, since the sample size that we used to plot the graph was pretty small (we only had 3 values to plot the whole graph), the variance of the graph would be substantial.

However, factoring in even that, the probability that my marks would be scaled up to a Distinction is less than 20% with a 95% Confidence Interval.

In plain language, the chances of me getting a high distinction, taking into account as many factors as I know, is very low.

I've been munching on salad 90% of the time for the past week - to make sure that I don't spend too much time and energy digesting my food. Going on a vege diet, I have lowered my sleeping duration from 8 hours to 6 hours.

If that sounds a little extreme for the many carnivores out there, I have a friend who pumped 3 cans of Red Bull in a day and slept for only 3 hours. Now if Red Bull is plain water, it is not so bad. The problem is that there is this warning sign on Red Bull that warns against having more than 2 cans a day.

Warning: Do not drink more than 2 cans a day. You might die of a heart attack.

She might just die of a heart attack.
Well, the warning label doesn't exactly write it that way. But it is still crazy.


Reminds me of another dream.



I was dreaming that exams were over. I was jumping and leaping for joy.





Then I woke up.




I can't wait for exams to be over. And looking up the skies, I'm thinking...



God, if it is not too trivial... please help me through this. It's just too damn scary. If I stay as nervous as this long enough, I will get constipation, or stroke, or paralysis...

Stress and God

Since 2 Saturdays ago, I have been spending most of my waking hours studying.

Waiting in front of library at 9 am since it opens at 10 am.
Rushing to McD for lunch.
Staying in the library till evening when it closes on weekends.
Staying till library until 10 pm when it closes.
Vector Analysis was last Friday.
Complex Analysis was on Monday.
Today, there were TWO papers. Electrical Energy. Analogue and Digital Communications.

The stress has been building all the while. I told Kenneth on Friday - I know when I enter eternity, all these tests will seem like nothing. In heaven, I won't remember the tests and exams - they will no longer matter. BUT, as menial they may look from and eternal point of view, I am trapped in this shell here where I can only imagine the word everlasting and forever, tests and exams is still a stressful matter.

On Friday, not only I shared with him about my studies and the headache that it gives me, I also asked him about marriage. He is married - he knows better. What if your Christian brother and you went after the same girl? What does your wife mean to you - surely it is not a Christian thing to view your wife as a bigger than life thing? Do your dreams intertwine, or does she conform to your dream?

As the questions would show, I had more than mere academic stress. I have to admit that sometimes "taking things as it is" seems to be so much more convenient, and in the matters of relationships, it seems to be helpful to "just be natural". Yet, I am stuck to the habit of planning and calculating.

I will count how much stress I will face the coming week since my "Digital Signal Processing" test is yet to come...20 marks there...How much weightage for my whole semester...

At times, it seems that the only way to reduce stress is to distract myself. Yet, at the back of my head, the memory of "something is still yet to be done" keeps coming over and over again.

Studies - Future - relationship - Future - Friends - Future - Tick Tock Tick Tock - It isn't resolved yet - How should I plan? Though my eyes stare into empty space, they see more than my mind can contain.

Friday, I did my Vector Analysis pretty well. Should be getting good marks. Yet, getting good marks should be the normal thing. Not that I really embrace high marks, it is simply my responsibility - that is what it is like when I'm not under FAMA scholarship.

Yet, I have no time to celebrate. I have another 4 papers. Friday night, I rested. Saturday it was studies. Once in a while when I am doing my math, I catch myself wondering about my future wife, what I would do when I finish my degree - while making sense of simply taking studies as a matter of responsibility, but also to learn how it is the means of some sort of end. As I grow to know more and to want more, I realize that I have control over less and less things - it makes me nervous.

A battle rages in my heart. The circumstances humble me, yet my ego chooses to think that I might still have some more control - I persuade, I dissuade, I plan, and I review the things I do, making sure everything will go according to plan - like a relay, there comes a point in time to realize that the baton is meant to be passed. I fret within myself over the things I cannot change.

There is a saying " God give me wisdom to change the things I can change, God give me the peace to accept the things I cannot change ". Yet I keep asking - Can this be changed? Surely, if I truly know if one thing cannot be changed - I won't, but I argue with myself, how sure are you that you cannot change. And many times, fighting for change is an uphill slope - and there is one thing about people who likes challenges in life:

Sometimes we take up a challenge simply because it is a challenge.

All I need is pride to do it.
I can grow smarter and wiser throughout the years. I can own more throughout the years. Yet, pride will never fail to blur my vision.

Why am I so stressed? I take upon myself things that I want to - for some reason that I would consider stupid from hindsight.

As I stepped into the classroom, the question paper for Vector Analysis came. The first question required me to "integrate by parts" - but instead of having two parts... there are three parts. How on earth can I integrate three parts? I start remembering spending more than 12 hours on Saturday alone to study for this subject... and now for a 10 mark paper - I can't answer the first question which carries 4 marks?

the test was 25 minutes, and I spent more than 5 minutes on the 4 marks question writing nonsense - I felt uneasy - no I was feeling frustration. I know that tests and exams are not something crucial in life, in 10 years time, who will remember that I lost marks in this paper? BUT, I PUT IN EFFORT! Don't tell me I put in effort to have it wasted! Impossible...
This would explain how I spent 10 minutes for the other 6 marks... and 15 minutes writing more nonsense on a 4 mark question.


Having no time to rest, I have less than 3 days to prepare for 2subjects, 3 chapters each. Tuesday night and Wednesday night, I slept for about 2-3 hours each day. Pumping myself with caffeine was the strategy. I can't lose marks - It is not a Joel thing. Studies became bigger and bigger. Yes there is God. But oh God, surely you don't understand what I am going through?

Surely You do - I acknowledge You being here, but what difference is it? At times I realize that God isn't about me - He didn't create a million galaxies and sent His Son to die a torturous death so I can get High Distinction for my paper? Surely God understands, yet there is a gap between the "here and now" and the "there and the future"

For this period, I neglected reading God's Word. I somehow "integrated" everything - reminding myself of God as I walk to classes and in between classes, and "thank you God for the food" as I realize that dinner is served. I wanted to have peace and assurance, but the heapful of notes that jeers at me, along with some 6 variable equations that I ought to memorize/understand - gave me somewhat a kind of "peer pressure". Who said that peers only have to be humans?

In the midst of frustration, I turned everywhere but to God. I turned to the phone. I turned to Youtube - watched power Rangers and CyberCop. I amaze myself of my resourcefulness. i jumped like an idiot around my room singing songs out of tune. I was almost going to go crazy. With the lack of sleep, and the cappuccino - my heart beat was somewhat beating twice as fast all the time. My eyes were awake and my head was thumping - and I will study through the night until 4:30 am.

Finally at about 5:30 am this morning I slept.

I was thinking, I didn't really sleep. If I did, it was probably an hour. Setting my alarm at 7 a.m. i woke up 3 times before 7 a.m. I was worried that I would not have enough time to do my last minute revision. Paper 1 was at 9a.m., paper 2 was at 12p.m. With a bad headache, I slept again.


and I dreamt.

I was washing my hands in a toilet. Suddenly there was a commotion outside the toilet. I hear people calling my name in cantonese.

"Joel, why are you so slow? Hurry and see!"
"Quick"

Pushing people aside, I ran out to see what happened.

It was my dad. A vein burst in his head, and he couldn't move. He was paralyzed, top down. his face looked lost. His faced looked helpless and a few people tried to hold him up preventing him from falling down.

Yet as I emerged from the crowd, my dad saw my face. And he smiled. It was a smile of contentment. I could see from his eyes:

"Its all good, thats my boy coming, thats my son!"

He was proud about his son, me. He was happy.

The voice of the crowds that jeered at my irresponsibility faded - the smile of acceptance from my father made it all good.

I looked at him, and my heart was touched, I was sad, yet I was happy - for that smile.

Then I woke up.

I stood up, walked to the back of house and looked out the window. My mind was awake, my heart was at peace. I looked up heaven. Simply still there, I considered creation, the beauty of it. Then I thought about my family - My father, mother, brother and sister.

"God... thank You. I have much. These are wonderful things You gave me. Thank You God for my father. My mother. My brother. My sister. My friends. Please save them. You show me what is good in life, and I am happy and I want to thank You for it. Thanks. My tests... Please take care of them. I think I'm okay if I don't get high marks, though I wish that somehow You will still give me grades."

I prayed.

Images of my family, and many issues flashed before my eyes. I was relieved. I had peace. There was still headache - but there was peace.

at 7:20a.m. I left the house for University - I still had two papers, grabbed cappuccino and started revising.

I sat for my Analogue and Digital Communication paper. I think I should be getting more than 80 marks for that paper.

Then I studied for my Electrical Energy paper during the break. For two hours, I suddenly understood everything that I did not understand the night before. I grew happy - yet I was distracted by the somewhat frightening thought that God is involved somehow. It somewhat a nervous thought to think that God is helping so actively now - as He always does in my life.

12 p.m.

I finished the 1 hour paper in 20 minutes. I'm confident that i am getting full marks for the paper.

Today, I am not just happy.

Happiness is a small thing. I am contented.

Contented that God did not work according to my schedule. Because of my immaturity and pride, he allowed me to go through a stressful period - with no signs of curing my stress. In the morning, He showed me what is truly important. He showed me the good things that I was blind to. To see something that I had, was almost like gaining the things themselves.

As I type this, peace and joy fills my heart.

My assurance is my God's character. God, when I grow up, I want to be just like You.

A Dream

I was having quite a bad dream last night.

I was in school, and I got frustrated with a teacher. I have no idea how we got into the toilet - but I killed her there and flushed her down the toilet bowl. Now, nobody knew who killed her and an investigation went on. In my dream, I just know that they will never find out who the killer was unless I tell.

After killed her, I tried to continue on with my life. I heard a rumor from the investigation team about a sanitary pond which the toilets in the school were connected too. They were expecting to find her corpse there. Although I was actually on my way to a birthday party, I used a different route to go to check out the pond first - only after that, I went to the goodness; yet I walked in such a way so as to avoid letting other people know that I came from the sanitary pond.

And at another scene, I was involved in some football advertisement, and the Ronaldo guy was part of it too.

In my dream, I was prospering well in my social life, and everything seems to be blooming. Yet through all these, I knew quite well in my dream I was a Christian. I will have to surrender to the police one day. And the punishment for the murder was death, or in my dream it was a very long sentence, something like 30 over years.

Looking at all the current successes, I didn't know how long I wanted to delay it. In a weird way, I don't know why I never did consider not telling - perhaps it is something to do with convictions.
In my dream, I lived each day in hopelessness. I know that no matter how great I become, it will end up as nothing in a very short while. I could no longer enjoy anymore things. I always had to hide. Didn't try to hard, for in my dream, I was too smart for the police - yet I couldn't relax.

There wasn't an ending to the dream. I just continued feeling that grief until I woke up and

THANK GOD IT WAS A DREAM!

I can't imagine living life like that. Well, in some sense, yes I can - but its mad. I can't fully explain the despair that I went through - you gotta dream it to feel the sadness and the weight.

Then I thought to myself - perhaps this is a bad dream for a good reason. Isn't human life the same way?

We all have committed crimes - some in the light, most of them in the dark. Some of them in our words and deeds, much more of them in evil intentions that could not materialize due to our lack of power.

While in prosperity, prosperity sometimes is like wine - making us forget of the judgment to come. In the midst of all the success, I too forgotten for a while. But for most of my dream, I was sober.

We all have a judgment to face in the end, and the idea to hear The Judge say "guilty" would be dreadful. There was no Jesus to trust in my dream, no Jesus to pay the price of my sins and to give me forgiveness, no Jesus to make me right before the police....

But in real life, on this side of the world, if only we would trust in Jesus that has died for our sins - we would not have to go through the misery that I went through in my dream... A hopeless end