Hospital

One day, I went donating blood in SJMC.

One of the staff nurse resigned to join the marketing team in some other company. I wonder how it happened.

2 men in their 40s were lying down opposite me, donating platelets.

Good thing the old nurse was still around, and she recognizes me. The new staff nurse looked okay-pretty. She was chatting away with the 2 men. After 2 minutes, I realized that the 2 men were flirting with the nurse - super disgusting.

One of them was just telling her how much of a businessman he is, how busy he is with so many businesses, about playing golf with clients, and commenting on Federer's tennis strokes.

The winks, the flirting. Stuff like

"Oh, I cancelled all my appointments JUST to come and donate blood. But OF COURSE, this is important. I had to tell my secretary to cancel all my appointments. Good thing my client was good, you know how these businesses relations are SO important, SO MUCH MONEY - but good thing, got a pretty nurse here... SURELY I will come back and donate blood. I'll call SJMC and ask if you are working on that day - if you are here then I will come and donate lah..."

If I didn't have to be responsible for my actions, I would have just walked over and slapped him. I wonder why the nurse was actually entertaining them. Maybe she was really impressed, I don't know. Lying down 10 feet away, it was really like watching chinese drama - in my heart I was just puking.

Until the moment I left the blood bank, the men were still demonstrating their "intelligence". In such situations, I like acting really dumb and ignorant while people make a fool out of themselves. It is funny. Damn funny. Ever see little kids argue about whose LEGO gun is more powerful? It is something like that, just the adult version.

I'm just musing over Christianity - whether the message goes somewhat along the lines of:

"Give up O man, God is all in all - concede your foolish efforts, this is getting nowhere"

Such boasting, while I see that they try so hard to impress... it is not hard to see the insecurity that fuels it as the flames of boasting grows larger and larger. The insecure are impressed by the insecure. The speaker gets puffed up for a moment, the listener is casted into a deeper despair. How idiotic.

Quotes for times like this

On desiring joy that comes by the pity of his wife after tiring hard work:

"I like sex! but I also want a mother (out of my wife) who would pat me on the head and say: "Oh poor pastor..." I need to repent of that!"

- John Piper

Ah, these are the times I need to find God and discover Him as my joy. I'm feeling tired and exhausted and secretly I am just praising myself for the "good work" I have done. This is something I need to repent of ! and I need to stop lusting for self-pity! I really got to arrange time for solitude with God before much work distract me from the very reason I actually started doing this work.

The Grace of God and the Life of Man

Since a man cannot, by any means whatsoever, commend himself good enough in any respect - such that no tiny bit of nobility in him can please God with all the strength in him; such that it would be true to say it is God who works and wills in us, which means that it is God who supplies both the desire and the power that we may become acceptable to Him - such that apart of Him, we of ourselves have neither desire or power to please Him:

Since a man cannot do that, how then shall he live in his thoughts that are God-ward? Since that our election is by grace alone, and works have no part of it, such that grace will remain grace from before Creation till Consummation which lasts forever - Does this man therefore ought not to live his whole life unto God being eternally joyful to an unmerited divine choice, in it recognizing the eternal indebtedness that he is in no position to possibly even working out a means to repay.

Since such is the case for this man's relationship with God, how then does it show up in this man's relationship with his fellow men? Since God is One and there is no other, it seeks the soul of the man, asking "What are you doing?" when a man lowers his honor to another man, not out of gratitude toward God, but in a manner, with thoughts knowing that the other man is flattered by such a gesture. Why does the man seek to please another man - not so much an overflowing out of his love for God, but in such a manner that replaces the pleasing of God.

Does he not know in such he is insulting the grace of God and denying God His glory.

Pressure On Every Side

I just finished the whole "working life" thing which lasted for 6 weeks, I am supposed to have a heavy burden lifted off my shoulders - no?

Well, yes in some ways... I don't have to sit down at office for half a day at least - I gain many hours and save petrol along with toll money.

There are things I lost too. I now don't get to continue to talk to my colleague about Jesus.

I get more time to set appointments to talk with other people about Jesus.

But as I talk to more and more people about Jesus, sometimes we come into conflict simply because Christians have been fed with unsound theology in churches. I have been in that state - and the undoing process is long, tiring, and discouraging. When someone have been believing something for years, it is hard to convince them to believe something else... EVEN if you can prove the truth. In doing that, there are many times I do not know whether God will grant me success in persuading them or not - and in desperation, fearing that I have labored in vain for long wasted hours, I reduce myself to use unfair argument tactics when I only present one side of the coin without spending time to explain why other arguments do not hold water.

When I talk, sometimes I gain people's trust. But as for the older generation, they cannot help but think that I am getting a little unstable in my mind. 

"How can you, as a boy, criticize an older pastor's sermon?"

I don't quite know how to answer that. I could choose from one of the four below:

1) Shut up, and present to that person that I am a person who respects older people

2) Shut up, and tell myself that truth does not matter

3) Speak up, and say "Because he is wrong" (and wonder if they are even listening, and give the impression that I disrespect elders)

4) Speak up and say "I don't know, maybe he is right", going against my conscience - hoping that i didn't even criticized at the first place

I chose 3. How usual. Though I wished I could be well received like choosing 1. I don't know. I reasoned to myself that if somebody doesn't get where I am coming from, then saying anything will just risk myself of being misunderstood.

Everybody wants to be loved. I want too. But what do you do when your mom asks you to share the gospel to other people instead of the malay friends you have - she fears for your safety!

In my mind, the same choices go again. And I told my mom she should love God more than she loves me. I don't know if it could be gentler but also telling the truth. I am so sick of having to be nice and gentle in telling things slowly. But I have to, or else no one will listen.

Even for guys, to some extent I feel that many are such a sissy for not being able to handle arguments like a man. Not interested in truth. Not interested in fighting for truth. Not to mention that I have to be even more gentle with girls. I am almost going to die for speaking softly.

I want to shout. This whole battle of suppressing my desire to burst out in anger, this whole battle of being gentle, this whole rage within that desire to shout "WAKE UP YOU IDIOTS!" ... is making me sick. I never really thought that it was this hard to be gentle.

While I know that what I am facing is almost nothing compared to what Christ suffered, I still feel the ache. I pray, but no relief comes - I am not sure if relief should come or not. The best of my brothers and sisters can only tell me to keep pushing on, occasionally correcting me. Like perhaps, I should just shut up when my mom told me not to preach the Gospel to Malays as she fears for my safety.

If I sit down long enough and draw up some equations in my mind, perhaps I could work out what I should or should not have said. But I just feel so sick to even start doing that. I know better than to just rant and look for some self-pity. Although I think I might be involved in it at this very present moment as I type this, I somehow don't want to think that this whole blogging thing is exactly "ranting and searching for self-pity on a global scale".

Maybe I am weak, although I do not like to think of myself that way. I think - it must take quite a lot to be a man. To face it, to feel the pain, and to move on.

Besides this whole thing about facing problems sharing the Bible, ASTRO has also pressured me to secure a good internship if I want to stay in Australia for a few months after I complete my studies. I NEED to get an internship with FOXTEL. Or else I will be wasting something like 1500 dollars for air tickets. They don't know the pressure they are putting on me. I understand that - they are concerned about auditing. In a company of 2500 people, you can't be concerned about everybody can you? Probably not feasible to do so.

But here I am, I have to keep up my grades with this whole final year thesis coming up, and I have to get an internship with FOXTEL. As though one of them is not difficult enough.

In the back of my head, I am thinking... Ah, once ALL of these are over, I will have rest. But from what I learn in life, problems never decrease - as I enter adulthood, they only get more and more complex, as I have to bear more and more responsibilities. As I think of marriage and all the plus points that come with it - well, there is sex. Big thing I don't want to leave out.

But after marriage, i probably won't need to blog these stuff out. I could just tell it to some one. And as I start to think about marriage in a self centered way, I know that such self centeredness not only leads to unrealistic expectations and definite disappointment that results from it.... such self centeredness is so cruel on my wife. It is so cruel that I won't marry me. I like to play with kids, but don't tell me about raising kids. I already have a hard time raising adults.

I see so much self centeredness in such thinking, yet I feel as though if I start thinking more other centeredness, I will just die under the pressure. I have this odd feeling that if that is the choice, then I should just choose to die under the pressure - because somehow I think that God will somehow keep me alive through it.

Here is one of those kind of decisions again - be a man or not to be a man. It just has to be that hard - no? I just want to take a sleep. A deep long sleep.

Don't worry, I'm not ignorant enough to commit suicide. But yes, I need some good rest in my heart. Like, some patting on my head. Like puppies you know. There comes a point in tiredness that I don't quite mind being treated like a dog... I mean, puppy. Here is the road, narrow and steep, and I think that it could only get more difficult as it goes along. I have been ranting about tiredness since a few months ago, I'm amazed I have not collapsed yet.

Coming to think of it, a few months only and I am talking like a childish boy. I must be pretty shameless to start comparing with Jesus just now. Well, whatever. I can't wait for the day to come.

That glorious day that we keep thinking about when we have Holy Communion.

Redeeming Time

26 February is coming pretty quickly - time is running out. I hope that before I leave for 18 more months, I will be able to share what God has revealed about Himself through the Bible - I will be able to share this with people whom God has given a heart for the Gospel.

I pray that God will give them a taste for heavenly things, a thirst for His Word - to open their eyes to see, and fill their minds with spiritual understanding... not only them, but me too - as we sit down together to drink deep from His Word.

God's Word reveals that "unless the Lord builds the house, the workers labour in vain"... Unless God is in this, I should just give up. What more - what am I expecting to achieve in a mere 7 weeks? But I trust in God that He is behind this, packing up my timetable to sit down with other people to learn from his Word is something that is in line with God's will, just as it is in line with God's will to preach the Gospel. 

I will just be a little piece of instrument God uses to make a little dot in the lives I meet - there is little reason to think that my 7 weeks to study God's Word with others is wasted - because really, it is God who is more committed to His work compared to me. And so great is God and His plan, such that even if I can be part of His great plan even in the smallest way, there is such great privilege. 

I used to want to be the center of everything, I used to want to bask under the limelight. I am still tempted in that way, but greater is God's grace in me to help me see that to be somehow "lost" in the background of an infinitely greater plan is a greater privilege than to be given the center stage of this world.

As I seek to toil by the strength that He grants me, I know I cannot be given over to the many seductive distractions in life. So subtle are the distractions - such that Jesus' words that calls for our allegiance to Him which ought to be much greater than that of our friends and family - such words become more and more real. It is not so much about choosing plain "good" and "bad", much like choosing "the good" or "the better".

Such busyness also calls for more vigilance. It calls me to depend on God all the more to do His work. Busyness distracts me by its very nature. It is only to easy to let down my guards, and work myself to death forgetting to examine my own heart, whether it is loving ministry more, or God more.

To my Christian brothers and sisters who read this, this is one little thing I would like to ask of you - before you sleep tonight, please take 10 seconds to pray for me? Thats not too much to ask for I hope. I also ought to pray for ourselves, that we may live a gospel centered life, a life that seeks to follow Jesus as Lord, to desire to please God above all things - and enjoying God throughout it all.

A Blessing Undisguised

As usual, when I arrive at work, I'll just take out the laptop, and greet some people.

[Joel] says: (9:23:19 AM)

good morning :D

-*rachierach*- says: (9:23:46 AM)

hi :)

-*rachierach*- says: (9:23:54 AM)

how you doing today?

[Joel] says: (9:24:16 AM)

today looks pretty bright

[Joel] says: (9:24:18 AM)

:D

[Joel] says: (9:24:26 AM)

i have things lined up

[Joel] says: (9:24:56 AM)

haha, i just hope that unpleasant things won't suddenly just pop up and spoil it:P

-*rachierach*- says: (9:25:47 AM)

that sounds good :)

-*rachierach*- says: (9:26:14 AM)

and if things do pop up we know it would definitely e with reason so its all cool

-*rachierach*- says: (9:26:16 AM)

:)

-*rachierach*- says: (9:26:41 AM)

of course its easy to say and totally another thing to do

I had the rest of my week planned out. I'm pretty excited to be able to meet some old friends, catch up - and find time to discuss and learn about the Bible. I've been wanting to share with friends and family the things I have learnt about the Bible for quite some time.

And so, my planner is now filled up. Can't think of anything better to do. So Thursday had come, and I am supposed to be having dinner with James and talk about some Bible matters. Having plans to look ahead to, I told Rachel that I'm anticipating the day, hoping that no funny things happen to spoil everything.

And so 6 p.m. came, I walked to my car.

*Click*

(Hmm, why isn't the car unlocked..)

*Click* ....*Click Click Click*.....

*Click* x1000

"Shit!"

(Call Mark, call Mark, calm down, call Mark.....)

Joel: "Eh abang, I click the remote control right... the car door not unlocking. So how ah?"

Mark: "Oh, your car battery dead edi..."

(Its good to have some genius friends. You tell them a little bit, they know what is going on)

Here is what happened(which is the only possible thing that happened in my opinion): 

It was raining sometime in the afternoon, and there was lightning. The thunder was so loud that it set the car alarm off. Me being in the office and pretty far away from my car, didn't hear a thing - until the alarm drained off my battery. 

So, I asked my colleagues to help me jump start the car. Only to realize that without opening the car door, I cannot open the bonnet, and I cannot jump start the car. The problem is this: the keys that I was holding was supposed to unlock the car electronically, and ignite the engine - it couldn't open the car door mechanically. Where were the keys to open the car door?

Well, genius me left it in the car. I never thought I would ever need to use it. Truth be told, I didn't know what the keys were actually for! My dad passed me the remote control along with the set of keys, I just separated them and took the remote control (which has the engine ignition key) It never came across my mind that when the battery goes flat, I would need them.

This meant that I had to go home to take another set of car keys to open the car. And I had to take a KTM from Serdang to Subang Jaya. It was a long long distance. I had to SMS James and told him I couldn't make it today. As I was arranging, I learnt that if I had dinner with him tonight, the meeting could only last a maximum of 90 minutes (which is really short) as he has some errands to do. So I postponed it till Saturday morning, which meant that I would have more time. 2 hours or more I think!

On the way back from KTM, my brother told me that there isn't "another set of car keys" at home. In simple words, my car is totally locked and there is no key to open it. The only thing I could think of is:

a) Break the car glass

b) get a lock smith all the way to Cyberjaya ( convince him it is my car, and help me steal my car)

Both would cost me quite a lot of money. In my mind I was thinking "Oh shit", this is going bad. But I was also remembering the conversation with Rachel in the morning. I convinced myself that this is just to convenient to be an accident - the same morning I said it, it happened. This is the first time in my 3 years of driving experience that I'm encountering it - it is just to convenient for a bad story.

As I was sitting down in the train, I was thinking to myself... perhaps I could use my time wisely. Share the Gospel? Hmm, nah... I can't do follow up and I will leave the person worse than before. So I tried to talk with the person sitting next to me, but the conversation didn't go far. When I switched trains, I got an opportunity to talk to a girl called Nicole. And so I asked her about her work, where she lives, after knowing that she is also getting off the train at Subang Jaya. I got down her MSN, and I look forward to get to know her a little better, and perhaps I might just get the chance to tell her about the God I love.

Before the train arrived, I got a call from Mark. His plan is to help me steal my car, i.e. pick the car lock. Now, you have to know something about Mark. He just finished classes, drove back to Kota Kemuning from Nilai (about 1 hour drive), and he is willing to come to my place (Subang Jaya) to fetch me to Cyberjaya (30 minutes drive) to help me steal my car. You can't get friends like this I tell you.

So while being in his car on the way to Cyberjaya, we were talking about different things. And Mark was telling me that he was having a hard time living with his housemates. By the end of the conversation, I said:

"Eh Mark, after hearing your story right, I become a little less superficial already I think. Next time look for wife, really must marry a good wife ah - if not really suffer. I mean good in heart la. Good wife hard to find"

I'm serious. I'm quite happy that I have good housemates where I stay. mark is a patient guy and he is suffering after living 1 week with his housemates - sadly he is bonded to stay with them for 1 year. I was thinking in my mind, 1 week and it is like that, a life time is going to be hell!

Anyway, we went back to Cyberjaya, and I sat around like an idiot as I see him using some long ruler to try to open the car door, and jump start the car. As he was working with his hands, he was saying:

"Why am I helping a GUY at night ah? Why not a girl ah - haiyooo...."

It reminded me of the many times when I cross the road, I hope that some giant lorry will suddenly turn out of the corner and almost bang a girl.. and then I would dive over, save her and save myself - and she would be so touched. I have been hoping for that day for many years, it never came, and I think it won't. Here is Mark. He helped me with car issues twice, and computer issues also about twice. Too bad, I hope one day some girl's car breaks down and they will call Mark.

After about 15 minutes... *CHAK*

The door opened. In the middle of the night I was (almost yelling):

"Fuiyoh!!! Genius la you, damn canggih man. If I am a woman I will marry you lah! Really one, but I am not a woman lah"

After that, we went back to Subang for mamak, which was also quite good as we talked even more. In my mind I was thinking, "not a bad day at all!". After all, I got to extend the appointment duration with James, catch up with Mark, and get into contact with Nicole. Honestly, I feel very privileged to have more opportunities. I don't want to lock myself out of the car again, but I do hope that more things like that will happen.