Dad, Calvary Church, Skepticism, Toiletries and a Break

Coming back to Malaysia, one of my main priorities is my dad. He should be retiring by now, but he loves his work and he loves to go around - so he is still working. He has yet to believe in Jesus, and I am concerned about him.

Spending time with my dad is good. It helps me see why I am who I am today.

Why do I speak the way I do?
Why do I question things the way I do?
What things to I get offended by?

I never realised how similar I am to my dad, though quite different. He bases his trust on himself mostly, he is more self-made. I trust in Jesus, though in a worldly point of view, I "technically" worked to where I am today. But the style we approach issues are so similar.

Last night, we had dinner outside - and suddenly, I found out that my dad quit smoking. As far as I know, he has been smoking for more than 40 years. An asthma attack during work (in some dusty construction place) made him sick of the place. It was bad enough that he stayed home for 2 weeks without going for work. And SUDDENLY, keyword SUDDENLY, he said he doesn't want to smoke. Naturally, I think this is a result of the asthma. But when I ask him, it isn't really about the asthma. It was not something that he actually decided by willpower. It was just

"I woke up one day, and smoking isn't the thing for me - it suddenly causes uneasiness in my throat"

I like the sound of these things. He still drinks though. But whatever, I like my dad drinking. I think he talks more when he drinks and it helps me bond with him. Coming home this time, I bought my parents a pair of iPod shuffle. Sitting down and just help my parents get more used to technology is pretty fun. It warms my heart to know that they are willing to learn. Definitely, I do not want to be in a position of "teaching my parents" in the arrogant sense.

During dinner last night, our family was suddenly talking about masseurs, reflexology, and how everybody seems to be in the business. So many practitioners who probably have no proper training seem to just print that "foot chart" off google images and start opening their own practice.

My dad was saying things along:

"I trust the technology. I don't doubt that these things can work and are probably scientific.... But IT'S THE BUGGER I DON'T TRUST"

He went on talking about how some of the people who seem to take pictures with important "datuk's" to back their claim of almost miraculous healing powers are all a joke - cos they were actuallly just demonstrating some techniques to them, and wasn't curing anything particular anyway.

Then he quoted the day's newspaper about Calvary Church. Apparently, the Senior Pastor is accused of "mismanagement of funds". The STAR article can be found here. He said this because he was talking about how American Reverends seem to come to Malaysia, to stadium negara, and pray for people and they get miraculously healed. I remember Josh saying, if they can really do that:

"Go to the hospital"

Well, Josh was a doctor.

Anyways, the whole chat over the dinner continued to be filled with more and more skepticism. And since Calvary Church was on the newspaper that day because of these issues - there was lots of "I'm not quite sure about these super respected pastors anymore". It is understandable, Calvary Church is probably the BIGGEST Megachurch in Malaysia and highly influential.

My mind was thinking of how to answer my dad during dinner. No, I had no intention of defending Calvary Church, or Prince Guneratnam. I was just thinking how to give them another strike. I was thinking how can I discredit the prosperity gospel more? How can I affirm that my dad's skepticism is valid?

At this point, it is important that I clarify a few things. One of the things that I learnt from my dad is "how to argue". Don't make mistakes, because once you do, my dad will remind you how you have made the mistake not only this time he caught you, but also last week/month/year. If he has reminded you of the issue more than a few times, then he would have "told you SO MANY TIMES", such that "are you stupid or what?"

That may sound like unfair argument tactics. Most of us would think it as "forgetfulness". But I know it is laziness. My dad is a very gracious person, but he isn't gracious when he is scolding you. He doesn't correct a mistake per se, he tells you things about your character. Sometimes it is true, sometimes it is exaggerated, but nonetheless, I learnt from him how to phrase arguments in a way that make people feel guilty.

This is the thing I learnt from him. Feel guilty or not, doesn't matter - It is better that you feel guilty, then you will do something about it. In our polite society, we tend to be courteous in a bad way such that if there was something to be corrected - we do it so politely that it is almost our fault to mention that somebody has a fault. He is a polite and friendly man to his friends, but if you are wrong, YOU ARE WRONG.

I love my dad. If there is one thing I learn from him, it is integrity. I'm not saying that he doesn't bribe policemen. Thats a different thing. But he doesn't pretend to be nice, he hates hypocrisy not the way the general public do. He has a dislikes it in a vocal way.

He was just talking about policemen stopping him for traffic offence. He knows what they want. They know what he wants. We all want less trouble, and he doesn't mind paying RM50 so that he doesn't need to pay RM300. The problem is the policeman starts lecturing my dad.

"Ini susah tahu, you lepas lampu merah, sangat bahaya tahu... hari itu, ada satu kes sama, kes serious... ..."

In my dad's heart: "Eh... Shaaddup la, tell me how much you want"

Because, truly enough, after a few moments, the question is : "So, sekarang macam mana?"

Pay RM50, then the policeman pretends to write something and sends you off.

The thing is this, my dad doesn't mind the question "So macam mana nak settle?" He just hates the drama that goes before it. Firstly, it wastes his time. Secondly, please stop bullshitting me and get to the point. Being pretentious is just "yuck". Being raised up by my father, my brother and I hates pretense with a passion.

Skepticism is also one thing I learnt from my father. Because of the "don't tell me cock and bull stories please" attitude,I have learnt to question things naturally. Mix it all up together
1.hating pretense,
2.skepticism,
3. and making sure you get it if I catch you making a mistake)

Its such a beautiful combination. In my dad's mind, it is often "This people are so stupid and gullible, they haven't fallen for another "conman-who-promises-you-a-million-dollars-if-you-only-give-him-100,000" trick". The whole "everybody is so stupid" thing, yes, I caught it from my dad. Now, my dad isn't claiming to be extra smart, but he does have a point how people can be so stupid.

Reading the Bible, it has given me a framework WHY people can behave in such illogical ways. Of course, I do stupid stuff at many times. I get scolded by my dad often enough to know it. And hey, I think I turned out quite good. I sort of consider myself as a product of "good upbringing".

Now at this point of time, i know you the reader might think of issues like self-righteousness, and how arrogant I am to say things the way I do. Well, it is hard to convince you I am not trying to say things that way. Another thing I caught from my dad is "don't explain yourself". It is like the guy who - the more he defends himself, the more you suspect that he is in the wrong. My dad's integrity is good enough for you to trust that his intentions are good. If you doubt it, he doesn't need to explain it - it is your fault.

Now, my dad is not Christian, but there are many aspects of God that I learn from my dad. I learn things like how "His Word is good enough". If I give you my word, that is as good as done. I learn from my dad the value of a good name. I learn from my dad to hate pretense. I deduce that being honest, and sometimes blunt with a person is the way to respect another person. I learnt from my dad to "get to the point".

As I was chatting with my dad last night. I also realised that he starts repeating himself more. Is it a sign of aging? i.e. he forgets what he says. Maybe, I hope not. My dad has a good mind and I wish that he stays alert for a much longer period.

From what I caught from him, I think he wants to make himself very clear. And he has an assumption of people "not getting the point" or "not understanding what he is saying". Perhaps it is also that he wants to make his stand VERY CLEAR. Ambiguity is not his thing. The reason I guess this is because... I do that. I repeat things. I repeat because I think most people don't get what I am trying to say. I don't want you to ever tell me "I didn't know" after I told you something a million times.

Of all these things I have learnt from my dad, I only hope that he will apply his skepticism to look at the Bible. To know that the truth of God is so good that it is bulletproof. To see God's integrity. Sometimes, I hate all these politeness is because that there has been too many pretentious who has given politeness a bad name. Being polite has such a negative connotation to it, it no longer works in helping people see the truth. My dad is so skeptical of Christianity. I understand that yes, it is human to reject God. But I think that people are making rejecting God easier. But well, I do look forward to the day when my dad becomes Christian.

One of the things I learnt in all these is that I caught more from my dad than what I learn (if you get what I mean). I just never thought the influence would be so significant. This is how you know i'm his son. I'm just thinking of how this works out in the case where God is my Father. Ideas about "rubbing it (attitudes, convictions,etc) off God". But yeah, if anybody out there wonders where I get my passion and character from, it is the providence of God to put make me the son of my father. From God, I get the sanctified version of it. I think I'm starting to understand more what Jesus was saying when he was telling the Pharisees "Your father is the devil". I think, in some way, my father helped me love Jesus. That Jesus Guy is just so ... STRONG. "Your father is the devil". That sort of bold God-talk, boils my blood and send chills down my spine.

Anyway, on toiletries. I bought so much of them yesterday. I want to have a "good first impression". I was just looking through the "body sprays" section. I saw deodarant + perfume. Then I remembered Mitchell telling me what "for men" means. I think it is something about some special scent to attract the opposite sex - like we are some animals and we can use scents to psychologically trick them to believe that we are more manly than we really are.

As I thought about it, I couldn't help giggling. Its just so funny, cos I'm thinking "heheheh, I'm gonna buy one! I'm gonna buy one!" I bought breath sprays, shoe deodorizer, listerine,shampoo, body shampoo, facial cleanser, shaver.

As I was browsing, I saw "lubricant". I looked around, then I saw condoms. I was giggling again - no, its not because I'm getting it. Its just the kind of primary school joke - like how we laughed at "sifat sifat manusia". If you don't get the joke, ask a Malaysian cantonese friend. So I'm thinking...

Lubricants! ahhahahah....
Condom!.... ahahhaha!
Just shoot.. hahahaha.... watermelon flavour.... really???

Somehow, I don't know why, I forgot to buy the body spray. I will surely get it someday. Never used these stuff before.

Ah! I have a short break ahead of me, I better use my time wisely - and not degrade to a loaf of bread who plays computer games day and night.

Because I Really Love You

I can't remember how many posts I have written about thinking of death. I can't remember how many friendships I have that I have intentionally steer conversations toward Jesus. I can't remember how many blog posts I have typed to introduce Jesus.

Why am I doing these?
Doesn't it look like I am using friendships for certain purposes other than friendship?

I love my friends.

Some I have not seen in a long while, some I see regularly.
Some I have wronged and we never reconciled, some have not known me long enough for me to wrong them.

There are friendships that I would wish very much would last into eternity, there is so much to discover about one another. I am very fascinated about how we get motivated, how we love, why we hate, why we devote our time to certain things, what happened the last time you didn't want to talk with me, what made in all nice again, how we grew up to be ourselves today.

Yet, death limits me. I don't have all the time in the world. There are people that I want to treat well in special ways, yet one appointment after another drives me around, the demands of work, the limitation of finance, the fact that we all have to spend hours to sleep everyday just prevents me from doing this.

In the end, not everybody gets the attention that they deserve; while people are treated as friends, they can only take up such a small part in our lives.

Somewhere along the line, I am thinking: If I want to meet all of these people, I will need eternity on my side - which is one of the few reasons I want to tell them about Jesus.

Shame has caused me to reveal only parts of myself, and embarrassment has prevented me from knowing my friend in a deeper way. Insecurity stains humanity - for legitimate reasons. I long for the day when we can understand each other fully and clearly, and to appreciate all the good things there are.

But on this side of heaven, these things cannot be so. Should there be no life eternal where wickedness and sorrow would pass away - earth is the closest anybody can get to paradise. In one lifetime, one marked by sin and shame, I ache at the fact that there will be people I will never get to know heart to heart. Some have taken on themselves the quest to create Utopia on earth, where there would be peace - I cannot wait till that day. It doesn't look like there are enough people doing that, and it doesn't look like things are moving in that direction either.

This is one of the few reasons why people need to hear about Jesus.

Even some of my friends who has considered me an enemy - I would desire reconciliation, I would desire forgiveness, I desire the friendship - but this cannot be. The brevity of life has driven us deep into instant gratification.

"I want pleasure for myself now!" for we do not know how long we will live, and the future looks bleak. The best things we can get for ourselves comforts us only for a moment, we have learnt not to have unrealistic expectations. We all learn to expect "death" to have the final say over all relationships. Of course, "death" is more real than life. Nobody is guaranteed to live, but all are destined to die once.

This is why I can't help but point my friends and foe alike to Jesus. We have been born into a mess, and we can't seem to stop contributing to all the hurt and pain - and our efforts to repair anything is futile.

I have become convinced that Jesus Christ dying on the Cross and resurrected as the Lord of All as truth. I have become convinced that God is love, mankind has sinned against God, God will judge all mankind - some to eternal condemnation, some to eternal life, Jesus Christ has died on our behalf to pay the penalty of our sin against God - Therefore my trust is in God, and my hope is in Heaven.

There are things I desire, that no man can give. Can one man define another man's worth? Is there anything in the world that can be equaled to the value of another person? By the greatness of another I am honored to be acquainted with them. But who is that great? We are pretty much the same deep down inside.

If there is one relationship I must restore, it is the relationship with my Maker. I know my Maker will fix all things according to His promise. He will make all things new. He will restore the relationships of His people to Himself - and them to one another.

I don't want to sound religious, but unless we all get ourselves fixed by Jesus, we will remain in conflict with everything, until death ends it all for good.

I look forward to the day in heaven where I will be perfected, when my life will not be marked by shame and secrets and wickedness - and I shall relate to God and to man freely. Where my joy will be simple like a baby's laughter - where all things are made new.

I desire that all my friends (and many others whom I have not yet met) come to know the truth: God is love, we have sinned, Christ has saved, so we trust. Or else, what else have we to look forward to?

Some among us think we are good enough for heaven. How can that be true - when out of 6 billion people in the world, we become convinced that we are the most important person among them?

Some of us think that God will not judge. How can that be true - that the Creator of the Beautiful Universe and the Lover of our souls would pervert justice and let the guilty go un-condemned?

Some of us think that Jesus is just a great man - How can that be true - that when God loves us so greatly that He gave us Himself as a ransom for our sins, is reduced to a morally upright teacher?

Some of us prefer to live our lives miserably until we die in hope that tomorrow will somehow be better. How can that be true - have we not been acquainted the brevity of the joys and the sadness on earth, that is so fleeting.

If i have to die, if I have to go broke, if I have to endure shame - what is that compared to an assurance of love, righteousness, peace, and joy in the presence of God our Maker and the company of all who love Him and one another?

The message of Christianity is simple. The link below is a 10 minute presentation of what the heart of Christianity is about.

Pressure On Every Side

I just finished the whole "working life" thing which lasted for 6 weeks, I am supposed to have a heavy burden lifted off my shoulders - no?

Well, yes in some ways... I don't have to sit down at office for half a day at least - I gain many hours and save petrol along with toll money.

There are things I lost too. I now don't get to continue to talk to my colleague about Jesus.

I get more time to set appointments to talk with other people about Jesus.

But as I talk to more and more people about Jesus, sometimes we come into conflict simply because Christians have been fed with unsound theology in churches. I have been in that state - and the undoing process is long, tiring, and discouraging. When someone have been believing something for years, it is hard to convince them to believe something else... EVEN if you can prove the truth. In doing that, there are many times I do not know whether God will grant me success in persuading them or not - and in desperation, fearing that I have labored in vain for long wasted hours, I reduce myself to use unfair argument tactics when I only present one side of the coin without spending time to explain why other arguments do not hold water.

When I talk, sometimes I gain people's trust. But as for the older generation, they cannot help but think that I am getting a little unstable in my mind. 

"How can you, as a boy, criticize an older pastor's sermon?"

I don't quite know how to answer that. I could choose from one of the four below:

1) Shut up, and present to that person that I am a person who respects older people

2) Shut up, and tell myself that truth does not matter

3) Speak up, and say "Because he is wrong" (and wonder if they are even listening, and give the impression that I disrespect elders)

4) Speak up and say "I don't know, maybe he is right", going against my conscience - hoping that i didn't even criticized at the first place

I chose 3. How usual. Though I wished I could be well received like choosing 1. I don't know. I reasoned to myself that if somebody doesn't get where I am coming from, then saying anything will just risk myself of being misunderstood.

Everybody wants to be loved. I want too. But what do you do when your mom asks you to share the gospel to other people instead of the malay friends you have - she fears for your safety!

In my mind, the same choices go again. And I told my mom she should love God more than she loves me. I don't know if it could be gentler but also telling the truth. I am so sick of having to be nice and gentle in telling things slowly. But I have to, or else no one will listen.

Even for guys, to some extent I feel that many are such a sissy for not being able to handle arguments like a man. Not interested in truth. Not interested in fighting for truth. Not to mention that I have to be even more gentle with girls. I am almost going to die for speaking softly.

I want to shout. This whole battle of suppressing my desire to burst out in anger, this whole battle of being gentle, this whole rage within that desire to shout "WAKE UP YOU IDIOTS!" ... is making me sick. I never really thought that it was this hard to be gentle.

While I know that what I am facing is almost nothing compared to what Christ suffered, I still feel the ache. I pray, but no relief comes - I am not sure if relief should come or not. The best of my brothers and sisters can only tell me to keep pushing on, occasionally correcting me. Like perhaps, I should just shut up when my mom told me not to preach the Gospel to Malays as she fears for my safety.

If I sit down long enough and draw up some equations in my mind, perhaps I could work out what I should or should not have said. But I just feel so sick to even start doing that. I know better than to just rant and look for some self-pity. Although I think I might be involved in it at this very present moment as I type this, I somehow don't want to think that this whole blogging thing is exactly "ranting and searching for self-pity on a global scale".

Maybe I am weak, although I do not like to think of myself that way. I think - it must take quite a lot to be a man. To face it, to feel the pain, and to move on.

Besides this whole thing about facing problems sharing the Bible, ASTRO has also pressured me to secure a good internship if I want to stay in Australia for a few months after I complete my studies. I NEED to get an internship with FOXTEL. Or else I will be wasting something like 1500 dollars for air tickets. They don't know the pressure they are putting on me. I understand that - they are concerned about auditing. In a company of 2500 people, you can't be concerned about everybody can you? Probably not feasible to do so.

But here I am, I have to keep up my grades with this whole final year thesis coming up, and I have to get an internship with FOXTEL. As though one of them is not difficult enough.

In the back of my head, I am thinking... Ah, once ALL of these are over, I will have rest. But from what I learn in life, problems never decrease - as I enter adulthood, they only get more and more complex, as I have to bear more and more responsibilities. As I think of marriage and all the plus points that come with it - well, there is sex. Big thing I don't want to leave out.

But after marriage, i probably won't need to blog these stuff out. I could just tell it to some one. And as I start to think about marriage in a self centered way, I know that such self centeredness not only leads to unrealistic expectations and definite disappointment that results from it.... such self centeredness is so cruel on my wife. It is so cruel that I won't marry me. I like to play with kids, but don't tell me about raising kids. I already have a hard time raising adults.

I see so much self centeredness in such thinking, yet I feel as though if I start thinking more other centeredness, I will just die under the pressure. I have this odd feeling that if that is the choice, then I should just choose to die under the pressure - because somehow I think that God will somehow keep me alive through it.

Here is one of those kind of decisions again - be a man or not to be a man. It just has to be that hard - no? I just want to take a sleep. A deep long sleep.

Don't worry, I'm not ignorant enough to commit suicide. But yes, I need some good rest in my heart. Like, some patting on my head. Like puppies you know. There comes a point in tiredness that I don't quite mind being treated like a dog... I mean, puppy. Here is the road, narrow and steep, and I think that it could only get more difficult as it goes along. I have been ranting about tiredness since a few months ago, I'm amazed I have not collapsed yet.

Coming to think of it, a few months only and I am talking like a childish boy. I must be pretty shameless to start comparing with Jesus just now. Well, whatever. I can't wait for the day to come.

That glorious day that we keep thinking about when we have Holy Communion.

A Blessing Undisguised

As usual, when I arrive at work, I'll just take out the laptop, and greet some people.

[Joel] says: (9:23:19 AM)

good morning :D

-*rachierach*- says: (9:23:46 AM)

hi :)

-*rachierach*- says: (9:23:54 AM)

how you doing today?

[Joel] says: (9:24:16 AM)

today looks pretty bright

[Joel] says: (9:24:18 AM)

:D

[Joel] says: (9:24:26 AM)

i have things lined up

[Joel] says: (9:24:56 AM)

haha, i just hope that unpleasant things won't suddenly just pop up and spoil it:P

-*rachierach*- says: (9:25:47 AM)

that sounds good :)

-*rachierach*- says: (9:26:14 AM)

and if things do pop up we know it would definitely e with reason so its all cool

-*rachierach*- says: (9:26:16 AM)

:)

-*rachierach*- says: (9:26:41 AM)

of course its easy to say and totally another thing to do

I had the rest of my week planned out. I'm pretty excited to be able to meet some old friends, catch up - and find time to discuss and learn about the Bible. I've been wanting to share with friends and family the things I have learnt about the Bible for quite some time.

And so, my planner is now filled up. Can't think of anything better to do. So Thursday had come, and I am supposed to be having dinner with James and talk about some Bible matters. Having plans to look ahead to, I told Rachel that I'm anticipating the day, hoping that no funny things happen to spoil everything.

And so 6 p.m. came, I walked to my car.

*Click*

(Hmm, why isn't the car unlocked..)

*Click* ....*Click Click Click*.....

*Click* x1000

"Shit!"

(Call Mark, call Mark, calm down, call Mark.....)

Joel: "Eh abang, I click the remote control right... the car door not unlocking. So how ah?"

Mark: "Oh, your car battery dead edi..."

(Its good to have some genius friends. You tell them a little bit, they know what is going on)

Here is what happened(which is the only possible thing that happened in my opinion): 

It was raining sometime in the afternoon, and there was lightning. The thunder was so loud that it set the car alarm off. Me being in the office and pretty far away from my car, didn't hear a thing - until the alarm drained off my battery. 

So, I asked my colleagues to help me jump start the car. Only to realize that without opening the car door, I cannot open the bonnet, and I cannot jump start the car. The problem is this: the keys that I was holding was supposed to unlock the car electronically, and ignite the engine - it couldn't open the car door mechanically. Where were the keys to open the car door?

Well, genius me left it in the car. I never thought I would ever need to use it. Truth be told, I didn't know what the keys were actually for! My dad passed me the remote control along with the set of keys, I just separated them and took the remote control (which has the engine ignition key) It never came across my mind that when the battery goes flat, I would need them.

This meant that I had to go home to take another set of car keys to open the car. And I had to take a KTM from Serdang to Subang Jaya. It was a long long distance. I had to SMS James and told him I couldn't make it today. As I was arranging, I learnt that if I had dinner with him tonight, the meeting could only last a maximum of 90 minutes (which is really short) as he has some errands to do. So I postponed it till Saturday morning, which meant that I would have more time. 2 hours or more I think!

On the way back from KTM, my brother told me that there isn't "another set of car keys" at home. In simple words, my car is totally locked and there is no key to open it. The only thing I could think of is:

a) Break the car glass

b) get a lock smith all the way to Cyberjaya ( convince him it is my car, and help me steal my car)

Both would cost me quite a lot of money. In my mind I was thinking "Oh shit", this is going bad. But I was also remembering the conversation with Rachel in the morning. I convinced myself that this is just to convenient to be an accident - the same morning I said it, it happened. This is the first time in my 3 years of driving experience that I'm encountering it - it is just to convenient for a bad story.

As I was sitting down in the train, I was thinking to myself... perhaps I could use my time wisely. Share the Gospel? Hmm, nah... I can't do follow up and I will leave the person worse than before. So I tried to talk with the person sitting next to me, but the conversation didn't go far. When I switched trains, I got an opportunity to talk to a girl called Nicole. And so I asked her about her work, where she lives, after knowing that she is also getting off the train at Subang Jaya. I got down her MSN, and I look forward to get to know her a little better, and perhaps I might just get the chance to tell her about the God I love.

Before the train arrived, I got a call from Mark. His plan is to help me steal my car, i.e. pick the car lock. Now, you have to know something about Mark. He just finished classes, drove back to Kota Kemuning from Nilai (about 1 hour drive), and he is willing to come to my place (Subang Jaya) to fetch me to Cyberjaya (30 minutes drive) to help me steal my car. You can't get friends like this I tell you.

So while being in his car on the way to Cyberjaya, we were talking about different things. And Mark was telling me that he was having a hard time living with his housemates. By the end of the conversation, I said:

"Eh Mark, after hearing your story right, I become a little less superficial already I think. Next time look for wife, really must marry a good wife ah - if not really suffer. I mean good in heart la. Good wife hard to find"

I'm serious. I'm quite happy that I have good housemates where I stay. mark is a patient guy and he is suffering after living 1 week with his housemates - sadly he is bonded to stay with them for 1 year. I was thinking in my mind, 1 week and it is like that, a life time is going to be hell!

Anyway, we went back to Cyberjaya, and I sat around like an idiot as I see him using some long ruler to try to open the car door, and jump start the car. As he was working with his hands, he was saying:

"Why am I helping a GUY at night ah? Why not a girl ah - haiyooo...."

It reminded me of the many times when I cross the road, I hope that some giant lorry will suddenly turn out of the corner and almost bang a girl.. and then I would dive over, save her and save myself - and she would be so touched. I have been hoping for that day for many years, it never came, and I think it won't. Here is Mark. He helped me with car issues twice, and computer issues also about twice. Too bad, I hope one day some girl's car breaks down and they will call Mark.

After about 15 minutes... *CHAK*

The door opened. In the middle of the night I was (almost yelling):

"Fuiyoh!!! Genius la you, damn canggih man. If I am a woman I will marry you lah! Really one, but I am not a woman lah"

After that, we went back to Subang for mamak, which was also quite good as we talked even more. In my mind I was thinking, "not a bad day at all!". After all, I got to extend the appointment duration with James, catch up with Mark, and get into contact with Nicole. Honestly, I feel very privileged to have more opportunities. I don't want to lock myself out of the car again, but I do hope that more things like that will happen. 

Dear Family, I Love You

I landed in Malaysia on Friday, and went to Cameron Highlands on Sunday. Now, Cameron Highlands is not a terribly exciting place as far as I can remember - but going with my family makes a whole world of difference.

Before going any further, let me highlight a few things. Typical things.

I am a male. I am a Chinese. I am 20 years old.

This means that I am not exactly the kind of person who is super close to the family. While abroad, instead of missing my family... I missed Malaysian food. My grandmother passed away a few weeks before my final exams, and I felt almost no emotion... though I somehow thought that I ought to be sad - but lets face it, I am not an emotional person somehow.

While in Australia, I made up my mind that I need to love my family more when I get back. I need to spend time with them - it might mean very boring things like going fishing with dad. I want to talk with my dad and show him some love. Just when you thought it should actually be an easy thing to do, let me tell you some things about my dad.

My dad is a hard man. He provides for the family, and I see sometime how he puts in effort to show us love. But like a typical Chinese father... discipline is what he is good at, soothing words of encouragement is... it is.... YUCK. I can't imagine my father doing that. But he is a responsible father. You get it. The nicer words come from the mother.

Bottom line is this, I know it is the right and good thing to love and respect my parents although I'm not emotional over it. I know it, I just have to do it even though I don't feel like it.

I anticipate this trip to be good - I can learn to love my parents by giving them my time. Besides that, my aunt and my cousin from singapore is coming in with 4 little children. My nephews and nieces. The last time I actually had a family trip of 13 people was probably when i was 3 or 4 years old. It blows my mind how little time we actually spend together as a family.

Before the story gets interesting, let me try to introduce to you all my family - and everybody in this trip.

Dad and niece(Shannon)... Left to Right (Duh!)

Cousin, little nephew, mom, Big Aunt (pardon the direct translation from Cantonese)

Brother, his girlfriend, sister, nephew(Yong Wei), niece(Shannon), me , mom...

little niece (Ying Si) in front

(Ahh, a clearer shot!)

Ying Si, Little Aunt, and my Kakak - Ning

(the housemaid for the lack of a better term)

me, mom, sister

Pardon me for the not-so-clear shots, I know you probably read many "chick blogs" and they have clear pictures - you can't compare me with them, they practice their photo taking skills all the time: On food, in changing rooms, in toilets, in cars (while their boyfriend is driving)... The thing is this - I don't.

Like I said, Cameron Highlands isn't a terribly exciting place. So there aren't many beautiful pictures in this post... The main characters in this post are my nephews and nieces. For some reason that I am not clear of, my cousins' families aren't that well. They are divorced.

Ying Si and Wen Kai is supported by a single mother, i.e. my cousin.

As for Yong Wei and Shannon, both of their parents are absent.

My cousin has to work, so she could earn enough to feed her kids. Now if you would ponder and think, you would work out that SOMEBODY has to take care of the 4 kids. Let me introduce you the superheroine

my Big Aunt (In Cantonese, a.k.a Tai Ku Ma)

To make matters more challenging. Besides taking care of 4 kids, she is 67 years old. As if that is not difficult enough, my little nephew Wen Kai suffers from some unknown brain issue... Whatever it is called, he probably has the intelligence of a kid a third of his age.

Their mother (my cousin) has spent a significant amount of money to find a cure for Wen Kai, but things just doesn't seem to work... However, Wen Kai has improved significantly over the years, although the sickness is around. He could at least walk now, and do a few more things.

During the trip - When it was near bed time, my mom and I sat around Big Aunt to listen to her stories raising up the children. It is hard work. Raising one is hard. There are four of them. If their parents were all around, the income of 2 families would be able to support them... but instead of 2 families, it is down to a single mother who is the bread-winner. My uncle (who would be older than 67) did not join us in this trip - he is still working... the economy is bad, he fears that taking leave from the boss will make him lose his job.

I don't know how my cousin would feel raising up Wen Kai, having no guarantee that he will be cured one day - good enough to take care of himself. Everybody seems to be in deep stress, and they survive from one day to the other. I suppose their source of strength comes from their love for the kids. Maybe they are just doing what they need to do.

After the trip, Big Aunt expressed gratitude to my dad for planning this trip, to bring the kids out for a holiday. She was crying as she said her thanks. Seriously, I have no idea how much it meant to her. But somehow, I know it means a lot. She loves the kids, but the demands of life are unmerciful.

As I ponder over all these, I am reminded of my dreams of being famous, rich, respected, etc etc. They all seem so childish now. No, they are not childish... they are self centered. Yes, self-centered and selfish. Without saying anything, my Big Aunt's life shame me, as well it should. Her selfless service challenges my desire to indulge in the passing pleasures of this world. It has occured to me that I am already much more privileged than many people in the world who has to scrape the ground to search for food.

There is a Chinese saying that goes like this :

Living in prosperity yet not recognizing it

Life just isn't fair - isn't it? There are people like me who has enough money to spend, more than enough time to waste... and there are people slogging their whole lives so that they can meet ends. Perhaps, something is expected of me. As the Bible puts it: to him whom much has been given, much more will be expected. Spiderman stole it.

Now that I think of it, I remember Jesus who died as a criminal. Jesus - the Saviour of the World who laid down His Life so that our sins could be forgiven by God... Jesus was charged as a criminal who was rebelling against the Roman Government - through the hands of wicked men who framed Him as a blasphemous person... He was nailed on the cross. He could have gave up half way, but He went through all that was necessary for me, for you, for the whole world. Jesus counted the Joy of saving the world greater than the suffering and humiliation He had to go through.

Here am I, calling myself a Christian. My plan - as much as possible - is to spend the rest of my life preaching the Gospel, and to spend my money for the sake of telling others about Jesus. God's love gives me a taste for heavenly things: Without God, I could love no one, but only fall in love with my sin... digging my own grave.

Having planned out my life IN DETAIL...The next step is the hard part.

Joel

while you still can.

The time will come when everything is over, and you will meet your Maker - it won't be too late to take a rest and enjoy at that time. For now, work - rain or shine, work for the things that will matter for eternity.

A Little Note to You

Hey Joel,

I'm pretty happy for you today. You stood up and spoke what is necessary. You sent out the letters that need to be sent, and you are starting to think the way you ought to. Don't be afraid, don't be shy - you are no more a boy, you are a young man. 

Do the right thing, respect your elders, but do not be afraid to speak the truth. You can be mocked, you can be ridiculed - but speak the truth. You have been in situations where you had to made your stand where there were none called Christians, but today, you will bear witness to Christians. If you have to speak out, speak it out.

Be a man, do the right thing - even if it costs you everything.

I know you long for someone to do this with - but though none go with you, still you must move on. Believe me, God will not leave you alone. Truth matters Joel, without truth - there is nothing. Nothing. You will do well if you hold on to the truth.

Yourself,

Joel

P.S. Don't get puffed up. 

Uglier and uglier... maybe not

Things have changed. It is either you have gotten more and more beautiful... or maybe you have gotten uglier and uglier. Or maybe, you have stayed the same... my eyes have gotten uglier, thats why you look uglier; or perhaps my eyes caught some thing more beautiful.

Well, I can't believe that things has not changed. I know you want to think that this is just transcient - but it isn't. I am more likely to believe that it is my eyes have gotten uglier - but knowing you, I cannot rule out the fact that you were so much more beautiful when I first met you.

Then onwards, it was like peeling onions. The more I know you, the sadder it becomes - as my eyes slowly blur, being no longer able to appreciate and evaluate things clearly.

Times like this, I need to brush off the dirt - stand up again, and move on towards where I was supposed to go in the very beginning. A flower by the road - I have mistaken as a companion for the journey... Yet it is true, that even fleeting moments are precious. I would willingly slow down my journey for a little kitten by the road.

My fantasies are shattered, there is no puppy, and there are no kittens. The pedestrians, they are just there - they probably don't mean to be obstacles or companions... they just wander - sometimes they come across as friendly, sometimes as complete strangers. The pain is just hard to bear - it is easy to give up on a tiring journey and settle down for the beautiful scenery.

And you were more than a flower, more than a kitten - you were more, but I hoped for even more. I have stopped too long to expect less, if I leave - I lag behind; if I stay, I live in denial. The sun scorches, the flower fades, little children run into the shade, and the path is clear.

If I don't leave now, I will never reach. Please, come along with me if you will - I trust that the journey would be much more interesting and encouraging... if you are willing to trust me too.

The Round Ball

My friend who guided me much in my life a season in my life - Josh always this:

"Life is like a round ball"

It was one of those corny lines like - Life is like a box of chocolates sort of thing. I don't ever remember him explaining what he meant by "Life is like a round ball"... but one thing I know, life goes on and on - like a round ball. You can be happy, you can be sad, life goes on... You may be half alive, you might be on top of the world... life goes on. Even if you die one day, the world just goes on.

Assignments come and go, different seasons in our life poses us different challenges... the challenges we faced and the decisions we made about them seems so childish now. But it did not look that childish back then. Should I live a few more years down the road, perhaps I would laugh at the reasons why I get depressed today.

Life going on and on - I learn that I could be the kind of person that never grows up. Very much like Love songs. The boyband sings about losing the one he loves 10 years ago, and they will continue singing about the same thing 10 years later. Perhaps I'm that kind of person, I'm afraid that in a few years time, I will become depressed over the things that depress me now. Since 7 years ago, I feel insecure and inferior over... more childish things... 7 years later, I feel insecure and inferior over childish things of a higher class. A more sophisticated kind of childishness.

It makes me think quite a bit how I live now. Behave your age? What do you mean by behave your age? I just cannot lose touch with my generation. As much as I want to keep in touch, the years of lonely thoughts have seperated me very much from... good and simple things in life. I don't think I know how to enjoy the company of another person. I always paint a picture of a perfect 10 in my mind, and tend to only praise people who are able to do the best - not so much their best.

Why? Who told me that "this is a real and practical world"? "If your perfect 10 is not the practical perfect 10 of the world, then it is no perfect 10"... I know the effort people put into their work. And many times... your perfect 10 is something harder to achieve than the world's perfect 10 - but why Joel? You know that it is hard to "give your all"... but why do you measure things the way the world measures?

This whole world is about relationships. Your mindset will kill you if you don't change. Like a round ball, you will continue living - but you will be more dead than alive. There are things that are worth giving up...

My mindset has defined me. My mindset is not only unhelpful (though helpful in certain things), but it is destructive to this world. You are a chaos, you are an outlaw, you are unloving... There are things I am willing to give up. I want to give up my thoughts. I want a new beginning. I want an assurance of a chance to turn a new leaf. I want to die to myself... so I can live. I am rotten beyond change, I need a new beginning - yet I the ugliness in me is pushing me to look like a perfect 10...

It is like...

Joel, if you repent, you have to get it right the first time you do it. How can you ever be wrong? SHIT Joel. You can be wrong and you are damn wrong at this point. You have conversations with yourself more than you have with God plus other people. Now, don't even try to turn your reluctance into a philosophy - and join in the league of the geniuses of self-denial. You hate it, and the reason is simple.

Fear. Fear is such an amazing things. It doesn't kill you, but it drains off your life. A life of paralysis. Thats what you are fighting Joel. You are fighting your fear to fight. What if they laugh and what if they sneer?

Do it anyway. But let me assure you my dear boy, they won't be laughing at you and sneering at your. The people around you care for you more than you ever cared for yourself. They see the simple things you will never see. And as pessimistic as this world is, I have got to give them the credit and put some faith in them to change me. Why be an individual?

I want to be an individual. But I realize that the prize of being an individual...well, I don't know what is the prize of being an "individual"... but I know whatever the prize is, I will take it alone. There is no one to celebrate with if there was ever such a prise - "The best individual in the world". There are people in my life that I love enough, to be willing to lose myself.

I can't always sit around and hope for some big-time-life-changing-event to come. Today is the life changing event. If today you cannot make a wise decision with a cool head, what makes me think I can make a better one when my head is hot? This is the problem with you Joel. You actually quarrel with yourself. You know it isn't an angel-devil-voice-in-the-head, you know it is just you who tries to want everything.

Hey Joel, sometimes having everything - even if it is possile... isn't the best thing. If everybody has too much, how can anybody share anything? If nobody lacks, how can we show love? Why on earth do you have the dumb idea that "much is good"? Well, you know you are not fully convinced that the whole idea of "much is good" is dumb... there is some measure of truth in there.

Sigh...

I know what I want. I want to live a normal life. This year I am 20. I am at my prime. I can't afford losing time. In my mind, I am a little glad that I am learning through this all. If you never said no... I would be living in dreamland. But now that you said no, I thank you. It has been long since I realized that life ain't a bed of roses. There are things that cannot be rushed... growth takes time, but I know that there is such a thing as "refusing to grow up".

I want to grow up well.
I want to grow up well.
I want to grow up well.

I am a boy.but I cannot stay a boy forever. I may know a little more things, but if I stay a boy... the good things I know will one day be my stumbling block. I don't want to grow old without growing up. I know many old people who has never grown up. Yet because of the very same reason, I know that I do not love them enough to give them my life to love them enough to teach them.

Grow up Joel. Learn to do something good without hoping for a reward. Learn to consider growth a reward. Learn to consider giving as a blessing. I know people who consider giving as a blessing because it gives them some self worth... No, I don't want my worth to be defined by my giving.

I want to cry. I want to cry. I want to cry. I want to cry because I know nobody can change my mind. I am in dire need of some love and support. I will degrade from boy to baby. But perhaps that is one thing I need to learn, to be humble enough to accept help. After all, whether I grow up or not... life goes on.

Little Stones

A fine cool day,
walking down the lonely path,
Little stones along the way,
dashing against my foot.

Such are these days. Everything I need is here, the good things in life to cheer me up; the little assurances I love to have - a home to stay, money to spend, academics which are doing pretty okay. God is in the picture, Christian and non-Christian friends surround me - there is fellowship, there is ministry.

Yet, the journey is not an easy one. Academics keep me on my toes. Hope strengthens me when I grow tired and weary. Not too strong, but strong enough to give me assurance that I will be able to endure.

Yet, it is not only marked with busy-ness as a routine, but also pricks. A piece of my heart is somewhere, somewhere it does not belong. My eyes grant me memories that brings pain to my heart. Everyday, I am reminded of the pain - and these thoughts keep my mind troubled all the time. The seemingly trivial things that are not trivial at all... they hurt my feet, I grow weary of walking - yet they cannot kill me.

Living between life and death - a full life belongs to me. Struggles have never been so consistent, such energy has never been required of me. Yet for the glory of this struggle, such is this life. Between here and a land far away, between life and death.

This life demands my vision to see heaven and earth, yet not a place somewhere in between. A call to have such violence that is gentle! A cry and a shout in the form of a plea. The identity of a man, yet being the bride. A position that desires to give - so much... yet is constantly receiving. A promise of acceptance and belonging, yet Home is somewhere in the distant future.

In this world you have tribulation - but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world.

What is it that You have overcome? Your overcoming has granted vision of the strength of hope - If hope is already this strong, how much greater shall the realization be?

Little stones strike my feet along the way,
Until the largest boulder take me Home.

This Man

There is this man - who is too scared of failing. So scared that he did not fail in the thing that he was afraid to fail in - he never did want to try it anymore. He was used to fail in it, now he decided that he wanted to fail no more.

The reason he no longer wants to fail - is that he understands that every single event that happens in life will trigger a series of other events which will lead to more events, he also understands that nobody ever represents only themselves - everybody always represent to some extent their family, their beliefs, and their upbringing.

Yet this man also thinks that since one thing leads on to the other - who knows his failure might turn out for good. This man is not stupid, he learns that the chances are slim and the stakes are high. This man lives in his private world with his private philosophies in life - his thinks his thoughts are private and that nobody shares it, but he knows deep in his heart everybody shares the same philosophy about themselves - insecurity.

Yet this man reasons that "insecurity" is too shallow a word to describe the painful experiences, and the potential loss, and the risk that has crossed his mind - and he believes - many others. And so, there is very little room left for this man. He can run away for now - but not forever. He can fake it. He thought perhaps "facing it" might be the right thing to do... but he does not know how.

For the good of himself, and for the good of society - he runs. He runs and hope that he can live out other areas of life fully - perhaps the goodness of other parts will somehow compensate for this area of failure. Yet this man knows himself too well that this is a lie. If a man's stomach is empty, he can eat. If a man's heart is sad, can tasty food satisfy him?

This man has little reasonings left to comfort him. He finds little pleasure in the things of this world. He is timid, he is shocked - he is bewildered at his own weakness, and wickedness while people around him think highly of him. Perhaps, even this thought is a product of his imagination and insecurity. Everywhere he turns, he is tempted to do evil - everything he does, it reveals his insecurity.

He dreads the day - he knows one day of living is one day of sinning. He would so rather die today - but he know he is not meant to do so. It is not because this man knows killing is wrong, but he knows that this life does not belong to him - but God the Creator.

Therefore, this man's hope is in his Creator - his hope of security, his hope of purity, his hope of joy, his hope of love. This man has disappointed himself once too many, not to mention that his dillusions has made him expect unreasonable things from others - this man has no more regard for his philosophy. He has given up - He has given in to God.

Wisdom means something new to this man. He thinks of God's Word as wisdom. Figuring out the world and himself on his own is a pile of confusion. Therefore, this man clings to God's Wisdom. Belonging also means something new to this man. He no longer belongs to this world. When he is deprived and despaired of meaningful relationship in this world, he rejoices in the fact that heaven is his home... and the present pains are a reminder to his temporal stay on earth.

This man is an escapist. But not the common escapist. He delays his escape. He escapes when he dies - but while on this earth, he will stand firm. God will enable him to stand. One day, when the pain in this body becomes too great that it gives way, the spirit of this man will rejoice and find himself at home with God. Yet, even this very moment, the spirit of this man suffers and endures much pain that the body faces.

Living day by day with his body, this spirit learns of God - as the spirit learns to endure pain in this world - this spirit learns that God must have endured much more pain. As the spirit learns to expect the man to be sinning tomorrow in one way or the other, this spirit also learns of God's grace that forgives the sin that this man will commit in the future. When the spirit of this man starves for the comfort that this man failed to provide, rather than feeling God's love immediately, the spirit of this man learns that he is not alone, and that even God has experienced such things.

This man recalls that Jesus became a man to identify Himself with man. And through this spirit in the man - he realize that he is made alive to be identified with Jesus. This spirit will learn the footsteps of Jesus through obedience, love and suffering - and this spirit will get a new friend, the Holy Spirit of God, who will empower and encourage this spirit to follow Jesus.

This man's body is dying. But his spirit grows day by day. One day, when his heart fails and fail to give him life in this body - he will then obtain a new heart, a new life - one that is free from stain.

This man will be a man who is joyful, and will live in peace forever. This man looks to heaven with hope.

This man is me.

The Little I Know About Marriage

As you read this post, it would be responsible for me to say first that the following words are from The Bible... Marriage from the Book. It is not a moral guide - though one may derive from it... but it is about God's Marriage - not so much about our marriage, but Jesus' Marriage.

Before the beginning of the world, the Heavenly Father was preparing a marriage for His Son - Jesus. It was not proper that Jesus doesn't have a bride - so God planned out an epic story where Jesus Christ will have to save the bride, save the day, and wed her one day. This is the marriage that will last throughout eternity.

And so, begins the creation of the world. God created mankind - but little did humans know they one day, many of them would join together as one body called church... and this body of people is called the Bride of Christ (Jesus). And so the saga begins...

God created Adam - then God said... It is not good for man to be alone - I will create for Adam a suitable (and equal) helper... and God created Eve. For this reason, a man shall leave his father (and mother) and be joined to his wife as one flesh. God then joined Adam and Eve together in marriage.

And so, this was the first trace of the marriage that will one day happen in heaven - but before that, man will take thousands of years to learn the purpose of the universe...

Some point in time, Adam and Eve rebelled against God and chose to dethroned God in their hearts. God as the Judge sentenced them to death, so that one day man will breathe his final breath and return to dust.

For that matter, the best marriages on earth will never last. Nothing may do them apart, but 'till death do us part' - it is an unwilling parting, since marriage was meant to last.

Rebelling against God (sin) and falling into God's Judgement, humans have nothing to save them. Yet, through the years, God reveals His Laws to show that mankind have turned away from God and have walked the paths that leads to death; meanwhile, God shows mercy on people and showers them with His love... God was preparing His Son the Hero to save these people.

And so, the hero who was waiting since eternity, Jesus came into the scene. He came to save His bride from the masses of humanity. Jesus came to show the full measure of God's Love, to lead His people back to God in repentance, to wash His Bride clean of the filth that has stuck to her as a result of her fornication...and to one day... be one flesh with His people-His Bride, to be so joined together...one flesh.

As Jesus came to this world in the form of a man 2000 years ago, some of the people rejected Him and hung Him on the cross, some of them entrusted their lives to God. Jesus had to die... His death was the payment for the sins of the world. What was meant to be God's Judgement on us, Jesus took our place and suffered the death for us - so that whoever believes in Him has passed God's Judgement.

For if Jesus did not die in saving us, we will be lost and there will be no Bride. And to those who believed Jesus, they became a part of the church which will one day be the Bride of Christ.

While we (Christians) wait on earth, even trials come upon us - so that we may be purified when we have endured the test... God Himself being our strength to overcome, so that one day, we will be a clean and pure Bride on our wedding day.

And so, the creation of the universe is this - that God may prepare for His Son a Bride... which will rule over a New Creation that God has prepared since forever. In this new world, The Father being the God of all, and the Son Jesus Christ ruling the world with His Bride and enjoying all Creation throughout eternity.

His Bride is the church/(are the Christians) then (not just those who call themselves Christians, but those who are truly Christians in heart)- who will also enjoy fellowship with one another as long as eternity goes.

Marriage is not a human invention. Marriage is designed to last. Marriage is designed to join. Marriage is designed for faithfulness.

Yes, today's world, those who are divorced is of the same number with those who are married. And not many people are truly happily married. The world is a twisted place, many things ought not to be the way it was in the beginning. But this is not the end of the story.

For us who are single, we look forward to the true marriage in Heaven. For those who are married, we strive - by God's help, to be a pattern of the one true marriage we will see one day in Heaven.

God has designed us for Lasting Relationships that will never break, True Security that will remain faithful... Assurance that will bring Joy and Peace to the heart; so that while we wait on earth and are despaired by the things happening - we look toward heaven and remain hopeful and steadfast in this world, yearning to be who we are really meant to be.

This is the meaning of life.

Crap

I feel that everything is just so slow. Time passes too slowly. People think too slowly. People talk to slowly.


I realize the world isn't like Engineering.


A good telecommunication system transfer as much data as possible within the shortest span of time without errors.


But human relationships aren't like that.


You talk, you spend time. You can tell the truth yet it takes more than facts for another person to believe. Even if the person believes, it takes time to sink in. Somehow, communication between two people isn't just... passing information.


An engineering system basically needs one thing. Improvement. EVERYTHING is measured in terms of performance. But I realize that very few things in human life is measured by performance. Happiness isn't always the best thing, neither is sadness the worst thing.


Loneliness mean NOTHING in engineering. But it is better for a person to die than to be lonely.


I'm stressed. I have a hard time to piece everything together. I feel like a machine. I feel so much a machine that it is hard to communicate - transmit information to another person... in a normal way.


Save me.


I feel conflict everywhere I go. The only time I am conflict free is when I deal with abstract things like ideas and concepts. I dislike machines. I dislike people. I do not like teamwork.


Yet I know, without people - what is the world? What is life?


I have been climbing a ladder. Some people climb the corporate ladder and strive to get high paying jobs and strike it rich.


I have been climbing a ladder - I have been thinking of things in a way that is inconsistent with many things. I see the same things - but I don't see anything. I perceive, but I'm blind. Thoughts enter my mind, but emotions... I have them - yet I feel half a human.


I am somehow on the wrong ladder.


Shit.


Joel screwed up but doesn't know the alternative.

Kalyana Mitra

Kalyana Mitra

This is one word that I learnt from the Buddhist Camp that I attended after Christmas last year. It means spiritual friendship. For those who doesn't really get what is so spiritual about a spiritual friendship, I don't know too much either.

The things that a guy needs? Well, maybe not too safe for me to generalize here. Lets just say what I need.Not too much most of the time? Somebody who will be there every time - somebody who always TRULY understands.

I guess at different points of time in my life, "understand" would mean different things at different times.

I have come to learn an old truth that I was once privileged to know for the first time about 4 years back - humans are humans.

Sometimes I expect others to behave like God and to understand me like God would. I make them feel helpless, small, and stupid.

Sometimes I expect others to behave like God and to understand me like God would. I fall into delusion and loneliness - the kind of loneliness deep inside, a little hard to describe.

This is a hard lesson to learn for me who once called Jesus his best friend since Jesus was more or less his only friend. Then somehow lived in a manner that slowly pushed Jesus aside.

When the skies turn dark and the sun sets
The children go home, others get lost further into the darkness

 What a Friend We Have in Jesus

What a friend we have in Jesus,
all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful
who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden,
cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In his arms he'll take and shield thee;
thou wilt find a solace there.

I'm glad that now - in the midst of my experience of a deep sense of loneliness, I have a home to go to. Both my physical house with my biological parents - and also my knees in my heart with my Heavenly Father.

The bad thing is I am not feeling too well. The good thing is I am feeling not too well. Whatever that leads me home must be good, otherwise I would rather a bad thing happen. The skies are dark, wherever my friends go, I guess it is safest that I go home - maybe we will play again some other day before the skies grow dark.

I need security that ... is real

Cost

" Unlike other races, humans have such a short lifespan. Therefore, they always think in terms of 'what can I get out of using this?' instead of 'what is the cost of using this?'"

Loghaire from Arcanum, Sierra

For this whole month, I have learnt things at the cost of others. It costed them something. It costed me their trust. Nevertheless, these are great lessons in life that I could not really think how it could be learnt the other way - seeing what has been done, it is seems easy at this instant to rather not learn the lesson and preserve the relationship...

.

...

Yet

...
.

When I look back a few years from now, I do not know what I will choose. As selfish that I think myself sound, I'd rather risk relationships now than to risk it in the future - its something I want to get over with quickly (yet it concerns more than one person, it concerns more than me).

Isn't a lot of things in life that way? Nothing really ends at us. I do wrong, somebody else suffers too. There are times when I do wrong, and my friend - simply because he/she is my good friend steps in to the picture "unnecessarily" to pull me out/ solve the thing, and suffer for me. I can't blame them, they are my friends.

I've been breathing good friendship for sometime, and I have learnt lessons about trust, commitment and love at the cost of people around me. For that I apologize, I will not be able to repay.

Perhaps one of the things that I can do in honour of you all (but never repay), is to be a friend like you too - perhaps someday somebody will learn things at the cost of me. Simply because we are friends.

Through this all, the memory still stick with me. Because I think of you as my friend, I hurt when I see you hurt for me. Sometimes, I think that it would be good if you did not step in and I would be my hero to take my damage for myself. But I think I would rather die than to have no friends to be there to take the damage.

Friendship is not like accounts, I guess -

Just reminds me of what a lot of people find absurd about Christianity but not about our daily lives.

What? We somehow have sinned and then God had to die for us?
Well, thanks and no thanks - I didn't ask Him to die for ME. I can save myself. Anyway, even if I can't - now that you tell me about this whole sin thing, and I am responsible for sinning against God out of nowhere?

Well, this is kinda like the attitude that I hear when Christians start telling how Jesus loves us and had to go the cross to pay the price of our sins - and not His. So we can get saved.

Sounds absurd huh?

But I guess God loves me enough to show me how it could be played out with other humans too in an average day.



I remember watching "The Passion of The Christ" and I cried like a baby, in my heart i was saying "Jesus, don't die for me, I'm not worth it", yet I suppose good friendship would have had it no other way. Then again, I wouldn't have wanted it the other way. Then again, I ought to just accept the love and live in it. When things are done, "ifs" are no longer relevant.


Lyrics - Love Song by Third Day

Well i've heard a tale that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done.
I've never climbed the highest mountain
But I walked the hill of calvary

Chorus:
Just to be with you, I'll do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I'll give anything
I would give my life away.

I've heard a tale that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
All of those dreams are an empty notion
It can never be done
I've never swam the deepest ocean
But I walked upon the raging sea

Chorus

(Bridge) I know that you don't understand
the fullness of My love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don't realize
how much that I'd give you
But I promise, I would do it all again.

Chorus


The Road Not Taken
by Robert Frost

									Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
									And sorry I could not travel both
									And be one traveler, long I stood
									And looked down one as far as I could
									To where it bent in the undergrowth;
									Then took the other, as just as fair,
									And having perhaps the better claim,
									Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
									Though as for that the passing there
									Had worn them really about the same,
									And both that morning equally lay
									In leaves no step had trodden black.
									Oh, I kept the first for another day!
									Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
									I doubted if I should ever come back.
									I shall be telling this with a sigh
									Somewhere ages and ages hence:
									Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
									I took the one less traveled by,
									And that has made all the difference.

Thank you Jesus.
Thank you my friends.

The day may come when I turn evil
and all you deeds forget - though I wish not
But for the good deed you have done
Please never regret - you have made your impact.
The day may also pass by
Me living in a fashion as though I were ignorant
of all you have done
But somehow, God will see to it
that nothing goes wasted in His economy.



Sorry, but thank you.

Convictions and Preferences

For the general population, everybody wants to be respected. Everybody wants to be heard. Everybody wants to know that their opinion is valued. Yet so often, many of us feels as though our words fall on deaf ears. When we want share something important and crucial, people treat it as just another opinion - which they so often dismiss. Some of us try to make jokes, make everybody happy, in hope that in the time of need somebody will take our views seriously.

This blog post will be about Convictions and Preferences - The roles they play in being heard

Conviction
2 a: the act of convincing a person of error or of compelling the admission of a truth
b: the state of being convinced of error or compelled to admit the truth
3 a: a strong persuasion or belief
b: the state of being convinced

Preference
1 a: the act of preferring : the state of being preferred b:
the power or opportunity of choosing
2: one that is preferred

(Merriam Webster Online Dictionary)

Merriam Webster aside, I would simply say that values such as Truth, Love, Justice, Courage and all other noble values as conviction - I consider them non-debatable. Other things such as supporting Manchester United or Arsenal, the "lala" fashion which I quite dislike, choosing purple over blue - all these are preferences, it would not be immoral to choose one over the other. If we want to be heard, we need more convictions and less preference.

Consider a man with many preferences and little convictions:
He supports "whatever" football team. Every other day, he talks about how good "Whatever" is and how lousy the others are. He rants about the crazy Japanese "lala" fashion going around.

Or Consider those girl's friendster accounts
(Nothing personal, just examples):

I lyKe:
PinK
OxOx ChocOcS

Hatez:
BaCkStAbbErz
BiTchEs
gUyZ wHo SmoKeszzz

As we all grow up, we start to learn of more important things in life. How much can you make of a person who goes on everyday about their favourite colour, football team, and fashion? That person's daily conversation kills his reputation!

Consider this quote:

It is better to shut up and let people think we are stupid... than to open our mouths and confirm it

I certainly hope that we all become noble men who live adventurous lives, fights battles, champion causes. Yet if we do not live such a life, keeping quiet would do more good. How we wish sometimes "that" guy in class would just stop talking for a moment. Sometimes, oblivious to us, we are "that" guy. Some self check would be very helpful now.

Consider this:
Who are the people we admire, why?

Keep in mind, there will be people you mix well with due to common preferences ( e.g. same football team ), because they are just like you. People feel comfortable being around people who are like themselves.

Yet know this too, there will be people that you might not always spend time with, yet respect - this sort of admiration transcends preferences. There is something in their heart that burns so brightly, that you would want it very much. Wherever they go, they command respect ( not demand ) - and people willingly respect them for the best reasons. Not long after that, a special bond is created, much stronger than the bond of preference - because deep down in our hearts, there will always be a voice that tells us what really matters in life.

A summary of the illustrations above:
Our Convictions and Preferences tell people about our character. If we are all Preferences and no Convictions, we live a very shallow life indeed.
The people of this world is bored and tired with shallowness - they want the real thing. Sweets and candies are nice for a while, yet we can't live on those.
Preferences change over time: Fashion, Celebrities, etc. If our lives are full of preferences and we become popular because of that, as much as our preferences become our foundation - we will lose everything when the time is over.

Some among us happen to be funny people. We can make jokes out of nowhere. People like us. However, the ability to joke should also be a preference. As we grow up, the kind and the amount of jokes we enjoy would be different. We might sometimes intend good, yet our reputation is simply a funny guy. Again, being funny is like candy, a very tasty candy at that - but nevertheless, a candy.

Yet if there is one man who holds on to truth, it will be valuable all the time. People might laugh at such an idea considering the world we live in is so corrupted, yet almost every other person will deeply respect a man of integrity.

Remember the story about "The boy who cried wolf"?
Essentially, the story is about breaking trust to the extent nobody believes us anymore.

OR

We can also take it when we talk too much senseless things, nobody would want to hear us anymore when we talk sensibly.

Some of us talk too much unnecessary issues and care too little about things that ought to consume our attention. Then in the time of need, we find it that we are not used to speak the right words. People might try hard to listen to us, yet their mind echoes joker, joker, joker...

When we properly evaluate our lives and rearrange it - to view preferences in the right perspective and concentrate on things that really matter in life ( which would fall into the conviction category ), we will soon find our lives filled with much more meaning. Besides that, we would be welcomed at more places and have more friends since we have less prejudices (preferences such as race, language, age, etc.)