Hey you! This is one of those "Joel articles" where he tries to impress imaginary people with his claims about " I understand everything about everything there
is to know - let me tell you my GREAT opinion". Well, nah... he is just reacting impulsively to a lot of IMHO kind of patronizing talk. IMHO stands for "in my humble opinion". It is just that many times when people use the word IMHO, they normally finish the sentence/paragraph with pretty proud statements and conclusions.
Joel isn't going to say that whatever written below is some IMHO kind of thing - since he knows with some degree of certainty that they are true. But of course, being a fallible human who makes mistakes and becomes stupid at many instances in life, there are mistakes. But I know some of you people out there think of
yourselves very highly and say things like "since there are mistakes, let us discredit whatever he says and treat it as just ANOTHER opinion". Please, grow up. I know you relativistic people. You think you are a genius, but you are not qualified to teach as a teacher, to argue as a philosopher, to think rationally like an
engineer - but HEY! you are a genius! Please, forget about reading the rest of it and marvel at yourself, you ALWAYS have a good time doing that.
Oh! I remember a joke! Not quite a joke if you are THE joke:
There is girl who was chatting with her girlfriends and couldn't stop talking about herself. And so her friends listened and listened to her bragging about herself over lunch for more than an hour. And suddenly, she realized she has spent too much time talking and not listening. so she said:
"Oh, I'm so sorry. I spent so much time talking about myself. So, it should be you turn to talk...So, what do you think of me?"
EEESH......
Now, probably some of the things below will sound self-righteous, and at different points someone might actually ask "What makes you think that is RIGHT?". What I can say is that these things are what I work out (at least I think so) from the Bible - have pondered over it logically, do not claim to have fully achieved it (far from it actually) - nonetheless, it is something I prefer and actively strive towards. Here goes.
Joel would want himself to be a passionate person. By passionate, I mean REALLY PASSIONATE. Somebody who knows what he is doing in life, has a strong drive to do it well. If he doesn't, he should work hard at finding it out. But of course, since Joel is a Christian, he doesn't want himself to be passionate about just everything in life. Joel wants to be passionate about very few things in life.
*pause*
actually, Joel is trying to cover up what he really wants to say. The fact is that Joel has a lot of expectations of other people and really wants to write an entry about "what I would prefer to see in other people". But that sounds SO SO SO...er... So not quite right since there are always people who complain about the
whole world except themselves. So now he covers up by saying what he expects of himself. You sly! But then again, if I write an entry about what I expect of myself, what kind of egoistic guy would keep bragging about their expectations of themselves?
Hmmm....
What kind of guys actually spend so much time thinking about themselves....
Hmmm....
Why.....
EVERY OTHER GUY!
That egoistic race!
Of course. Right, good, Joel is normal in covering up. People would just think that he is like every other guy.
*resume*
Continuing from where I left of - Think of loving your wife. You want to love your wife passionately, not EVERY WOMAN. Likewise, Joel doesn't want to be passionate about everything, He wants to be passionate about the Jesus kind of things. Being passionate about Jesus isn't just concentrating on one tiny area in life. Since following Jesus has implications on every sphere in life - godliness has everything to do with life, just life a life passion more or less determines your
life direction - since that, Joel has to be very careful about his life and what he gives his heart to. Having said that, Joel would be really angry with himself if he is lazy. He thinks that laziness is a manifestation of a lack of passion and drive. While he remembers that sometimes he just conveniently forgets about his aim in life, he also remembers that the kind of "conveniently forgetting important things" are not really forgetting, but simply being wicked for a prolonged period of time until he becomes indifferent to what is holy and good.
And yes, he has a strong dislike for the same yuck-ness he sees in others. He has resorted to the word "yuck-ness" because some think it too "OUCH" if he uses the word wickedness on others, but Joel thinks that using the word "weakness" is just playing the victim. It is like saying "oh, i have the 'less passion gene' flowing in my veins" kind of nonsense.
Joel knows Kenneth who puts in a lot of effort to try to be both considerate and passionate. Now, anybody who have tried that would know that instead of saying "considerate and passionate", "considerate BUT passionate" would sound more normal. It is a hard thing, not to balance them out, but to demonstrate them in a timely manner - that is a hard, VERY difficult. Joel aspires to be more like Kenneth.
Yes, Joel hates nonsense. He loves jokes, he loves to laugh. But there is this whole "other category" of not-so-funny-jokes where people play the victim, give lame excuses, and patronize one another with illogical nonsense. They are really not funny. I suppose most of us know it when we hear some really really out of place excuses like "traffic jam"(when they just live 10 minutes away), or "your opinion is really interesting"(when obviously you really want to say: that was the dumbest thing I have ever heard).
But Joel enjoys having fun, teasing himself, and sometimes inappropriately teasing others. He needs to work on that - the teasing others part. He has a friend called Andy who is working hard to come up with clean jokes, and finding more ways to make others laugh by teasing himself (and not others). Joel respects Andy for that kind of love he has for others(and many other things). One day when Joel grows up, he will be funny in a godly way. Ooo.... that sounded so wierd that it just sent a chill down my bones.
Funny and godly.
*double chill and goes to the toilet*
Ahem..Joel wants to be like a kid. He wants to be really happy when he is happy, he wants to be really sad when he is sad. Besides that, Joel wants to be VERY angry when he is angry. He doesn't want to be some human-zombie trying to fit into our sometimes not-so-healthy-culture where laughters, tears, or anger is restrained. Joel has a STRONG dislike for people like that but he has to learn how to love them and be mindful for them.
But essentially, Joel has no desire
whatsoever to have less emotions. He thinks he is "quite there", but needs some polishing and balancing on the "caring for the other person" and being "considerate" - you know? like being rightly angry but not venting them on others, like being rightly angry about appropriate things and actually solving the issue instead of shouting at everyone?
While Jesus is of course the ultimate role model in the things mentioned above, Joel particularly wants to mention more on Jesus on this one. One of the reason Joel loves Jesus is because Jesus cries, loves deeply, talks funny at times, and knows how to get mad. Joel loves how Jesus makes fun of self-righteous people, although Joel doesn't quite enjoy it to find himself being one of them at times - but Joel knows that self-righteous people aren't quite worth much except to be poked at. Joel loves Jesus crying and scolding, because that is a very human thing to do.
Most of the humans Joel know aren't quite humans. Of course, quite a handful of them are secretly being humans - and they stop being humans when they meet other people. Then when they go home, they cry quietly on their bed in the stillness of the night. Joel understands to some extent why that happens, wants to sympathize with them (and himself, plus think of himself as the victim of society), but do not desire to excuse himself or anybody for that matter for our own fears and failures.
At this point, Joel is sick of using politically correct words like fears and failures, and weakness. Please think of wickedness whenever you see those words.
Thank God Jesus isn't like some politically correct politician. Thank God Jesus is The Perfect Man that Joel can look up to. Oh God, Please destroy those pictures that portray Jesus as some semi-gay figure with fair skin and long straight hair and deep blue eyes...
But anyway, Joel went through that whole "I am secretly a human" phase back in high school. It was a lonely experience, quite scary and sad. If you are reading this and you are somebody like that, lets talk! I'd love to talk with you! I'll TRY to be gentle! = ) Can't promise anything, but I'll TRY... like for a few minutes. But if I were you, I'd prefer a good Christian girl. or a good Christian man. Yes, MAN. Christian boys.... hmmmm, maybe not.
And yes! Joel would love to marry a real human. and of course, whether that comes true or not, Joel wants to be a real human. A wonderful thing he learnt from married Christians is that "Don't just say I want this and that kind of spouse, be the this and that(godly and matured) kind of spouse, and if whoever you are looking for doesn't appear, you have at least got your part right with God".
A note to that, Joel needs to remember that this is a fallen world. While expectations of God are perfect (which is good), expectations of humans (myself included) often have to be somewhat scaled down. Joel has known people (himself included) that say big things, great expectations of himself, only to see himself failing at every point the next week. He has seen guys that say: I want to marry a girl who is A, and a character that is B, and C, and D... to see them going out with a girl that is the complete opposite of that.
No, it wasn't some special love at first sight. Its just that whatever was said earlier was partly nonsense, and partly fairytale. The opposite is the real thing, partly due to desperation and selfishness, and a whole lot of invalid reasons which astrologers come up with.
Hmm, after all have been said and NOT done, now there are just so many things to work on: like Joel's character. Hmm... working on that would probably take a life time. But if he keeps looking over his shoulder and compare himself with his peers, he probably have to take more than a life time. If he continually blogs about these kind of things, then it would probably have to take a little more than 2 life times.
Lets go to sleep and wake up tomorrow morning to study for the upcoming exams. And there is prayer meeting later with some guys! Sounds like something helpful to keep me focused on Jesus during crunch time! And oh! Joel went for Queen's Birthday Convention at St. Andrews Cathedral and got a photo and a signed book from Phillip Jensen! Good stuff, save it for conversations.
enjoy a beautiful song with me
Showing posts with label Diary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Diary. Show all posts
Monday, June 8, 2009
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Something against premature peace
premature peace = there probably is a better technical term for it. But what I mean by 'premature peace' means that peace that is achieved before the real issue at hand is really resolved.
Examples of this is sometimes how people tolerate each other until apoint they cannot take it anymore. Two parties disagree with one another. They do not want to agree to disagree, but they do not want to feel like people who disagree. So they say something like "let us put aside our differences" and tolerate each other. Then, the critical point comes - BOOM.
This is a real danger for the pacifists of this age. We tend to prefer good reputation, and be well liked by everyone - and tolerate things we shouldn't tolerate.
I hate the whole 'premature peace' thing, and i have a general disdain for 'premature peacemakers'. I think that they are people who prefer a good image over a good deed - and this is one of the most hypocritical thing that people do. Appear noble, appear well mannered, appear everything that society approves - and in reality be a person who is full of theirselves.
'premature peace' is no peace - it is just delaying the inevitable. And normally, the inevitable is much worse than what the issue normally was. In the end, somebody has to clean up the crap that the earlier 'peacemaker' made - and being a REAL peacemaker in a messy situation often means that they have to do some dirty job that nobody wants to do. The REAL peacemaker receives no credit, while the earlier idiot basks in the praises of others.
(but then you might say, sooner or later, the public will realize the idiot. It is normally either "later" or "never". Trust me, the public is generally slow or stupid and they tend not to realize the obvious)
I love peace. It might not appear that way most of the time, but I do love real peace. I love it so much for myself and for others that I am unwilling to trade it for patronizing nonsense like "lets just concentrate on our similarities and forget our differences". I want to work hard on real peace, it might not work out. But I don't want to bury issues and create a timebomb for the next person.
Don't pass the buck. Take responsibility. Get real peace, not some poor imitation.
Examples of this is sometimes how people tolerate each other until apoint they cannot take it anymore. Two parties disagree with one another. They do not want to agree to disagree, but they do not want to feel like people who disagree. So they say something like "let us put aside our differences" and tolerate each other. Then, the critical point comes - BOOM.
This is a real danger for the pacifists of this age. We tend to prefer good reputation, and be well liked by everyone - and tolerate things we shouldn't tolerate.
I hate the whole 'premature peace' thing, and i have a general disdain for 'premature peacemakers'. I think that they are people who prefer a good image over a good deed - and this is one of the most hypocritical thing that people do. Appear noble, appear well mannered, appear everything that society approves - and in reality be a person who is full of theirselves.
'premature peace' is no peace - it is just delaying the inevitable. And normally, the inevitable is much worse than what the issue normally was. In the end, somebody has to clean up the crap that the earlier 'peacemaker' made - and being a REAL peacemaker in a messy situation often means that they have to do some dirty job that nobody wants to do. The REAL peacemaker receives no credit, while the earlier idiot basks in the praises of others.
(but then you might say, sooner or later, the public will realize the idiot. It is normally either "later" or "never". Trust me, the public is generally slow or stupid and they tend not to realize the obvious)
I love peace. It might not appear that way most of the time, but I do love real peace. I love it so much for myself and for others that I am unwilling to trade it for patronizing nonsense like "lets just concentrate on our similarities and forget our differences". I want to work hard on real peace, it might not work out. But I don't want to bury issues and create a timebomb for the next person.
Don't pass the buck. Take responsibility. Get real peace, not some poor imitation.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Hospital
One day, I went donating blood in SJMC.
One of the staff nurse resigned to join the marketing team in some other company. I wonder how it happened.
2 men in their 40s were lying down opposite me, donating platelets.
Good thing the old nurse was still around, and she recognizes me. The new staff nurse looked okay-pretty. She was chatting away with the 2 men. After 2 minutes, I realized that the 2 men were flirting with the nurse - super disgusting.
One of them was just telling her how much of a businessman he is, how busy he is with so many businesses, about playing golf with clients, and commenting on Federer's tennis strokes.
The winks, the flirting. Stuff like
"Oh, I cancelled all my appointments JUST to come and donate blood. But OF COURSE, this is important. I had to tell my secretary to cancel all my appointments. Good thing my client was good, you know how these businesses relations are SO important, SO MUCH MONEY - but good thing, got a pretty nurse here... SURELY I will come back and donate blood. I'll call SJMC and ask if you are working on that day - if you are here then I will come and donate lah..."
If I didn't have to be responsible for my actions, I would have just walked over and slapped him. I wonder why the nurse was actually entertaining them. Maybe she was really impressed, I don't know. Lying down 10 feet away, it was really like watching chinese drama - in my heart I was just puking.
Until the moment I left the blood bank, the men were still demonstrating their "intelligence". In such situations, I like acting really dumb and ignorant while people make a fool out of themselves. It is funny. Damn funny. Ever see little kids argue about whose LEGO gun is more powerful? It is something like that, just the adult version.
I'm just musing over Christianity - whether the message goes somewhat along the lines of:
"Give up O man, God is all in all - concede your foolish efforts, this is getting nowhere"
Such boasting, while I see that they try so hard to impress... it is not hard to see the insecurity that fuels it as the flames of boasting grows larger and larger. The insecure are impressed by the insecure. The speaker gets puffed up for a moment, the listener is casted into a deeper despair. How idiotic.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Toilet Horror
Being a good and exam-stressed-out-student
I realize sometimes,
taking notes into the toilet to study single mindedly and being oblivious to the surroundings might not be the best thing to do ...
I realize sometimes,
taking notes into the toilet to study single mindedly and being oblivious to the surroundings might not be the best thing to do ...
No, I didn't lay an egg...
It was a million times worse...
Horror of horrors...
I have an exam tomorrow afternoon
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Randomness - 23rd October
Studying in library...eating sushi...
Joel: *notices avocado in sushi* Eh, avocado good for breasts...
Wesley: prevent breast cancer...
Joel : ya ya....
Mitchell: Eh, today, got some breast cancer people.. i mean...er... those who volunteer, sell me muffin... u got buy ah?
Joel: No ah...eh, I got 1 teacher, die because of breast cancer...
Mitchell: I have many friends who die...
Joel: wah, how many oh... Eh, not 1,2 teachers died...
Yuda: I got 2 auntie have breast cancer... 1 die edi, 1 more not yet die...
Joel, Mitchell, Wesley: .........
Joel: *notices avocado in sushi* Eh, avocado good for breasts...
Wesley: prevent breast cancer...
Joel : ya ya....
Mitchell: Eh, today, got some breast cancer people.. i mean...er... those who volunteer, sell me muffin... u got buy ah?
Joel: No ah...eh, I got 1 teacher, die because of breast cancer...
Mitchell: I have many friends who die...
Joel: wah, how many oh... Eh, not 1,2 teachers died...
Yuda: I got 2 auntie have breast cancer... 1 die edi, 1 more not yet die...
Joel, Mitchell, Wesley: .........
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
As The Final Exams Draw Near...
My hair gets messier. Gah! It is only one-inch long and it can get messy.
I start to read a few verses in the Bible once in a while... imagining that I will somehow get smarter after that.
Do push-ups evevery once in a while because my body somehow aches when I study. Headache, neck ache, back ache...
I feel lonely - I don't seem to get along well with the books.
I discover a lot of new things. I used to learn Normal distributions, exponential, Poisson distributions only. But today I realized there is such a thing called t-distribution and F-distribution... which I am supposed to know weeks ago.
Nobody seems to be online although there are so many people online.
Time seems to pass too quickly. Yet I seem to be wasting lots of them somehow - even though I thought that I studied for very long.
I want to Chor Dai Dee!!!
I lose hair since I keep pulling them off.
I dance.
I talk to myself.
I play with my stationery more often.
I laugh to myself.
I pretend I am a bird and start flapping my hands around the house... singing la la la la...
I imagine being some uber rich tycoon and has no need to study in university... and maybe take a nap...
GAH! NO.....
I remember deadlines, test dates, exam dates more than I remember holidays and birthdays.
I keep counting my test and assignment marks and think of the ridiculously high marks I need to obtain for my final exam to get Distinction.
....
I am suddenly reminded of the resistor I blew up in the Electronics lab today. I spent more than an hour to connect the whole circuit and put in all the right values of resistors... then 5 minutes into the lab...
POOF! Bright Light! Smoke! Whole 47000 ohm resistor burnt. 5 minutes into a 3 hour lab... and this is final evaluation for my lab class. GAHHHH!!!!!!!
I have spent an hour on this... typing and thinking of more tragedies and traumatic experiences.. I shall now resume studying for statistics test on monday... 5 marks... and then tomorrow got Control Systems Lab evaluation....10 marks....
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I start to read a few verses in the Bible once in a while... imagining that I will somehow get smarter after that.
Do push-ups evevery once in a while because my body somehow aches when I study. Headache, neck ache, back ache...
I feel lonely - I don't seem to get along well with the books.
I discover a lot of new things. I used to learn Normal distributions, exponential, Poisson distributions only. But today I realized there is such a thing called t-distribution and F-distribution... which I am supposed to know weeks ago.
Nobody seems to be online although there are so many people online.
Time seems to pass too quickly. Yet I seem to be wasting lots of them somehow - even though I thought that I studied for very long.
I want to Chor Dai Dee!!!
I lose hair since I keep pulling them off.
I dance.
I talk to myself.
I play with my stationery more often.
I laugh to myself.
I pretend I am a bird and start flapping my hands around the house... singing la la la la...
I imagine being some uber rich tycoon and has no need to study in university... and maybe take a nap...
GAH! NO.....
I remember deadlines, test dates, exam dates more than I remember holidays and birthdays.
I keep counting my test and assignment marks and think of the ridiculously high marks I need to obtain for my final exam to get Distinction.
....
I am suddenly reminded of the resistor I blew up in the Electronics lab today. I spent more than an hour to connect the whole circuit and put in all the right values of resistors... then 5 minutes into the lab...
POOF! Bright Light! Smoke! Whole 47000 ohm resistor burnt. 5 minutes into a 3 hour lab... and this is final evaluation for my lab class. GAHHHH!!!!!!!
I have spent an hour on this... typing and thinking of more tragedies and traumatic experiences.. I shall now resume studying for statistics test on monday... 5 marks... and then tomorrow got Control Systems Lab evaluation....10 marks....
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Con Job
Today, I met an Indonesian - at least he introduced himself that way. I met him while I was walking back from Uni. He told me that his atm card is lost because he entered a wrong pin number - the bank said he has to come back tomorrow to get the card, and he has no money to pump petrol to go home. He told me the situation was embarassing, and he wanted 20 dollars.
I only had a 50-dollar note. So I went away to look for change... a couple who sat nearby had 48.80 in change, and I said it was okay for them to give me 48.80 dollars. From a distance I could see him make a call to his friend describing his embarassing situation.
And so I gave that man 20 dollars. He thanked me, asked me if I wanted to take down his number so he could repay me again tomorrow in Uni. My mind was thinking, do I want him to repay me? Well, I'm not doing charity here, but I didn't want him to feel bad... so I said it was okay, he can take down my number and call me at his leisure.
As i left the scene, far enough almost to lose sight of him - I saw him approach an australian student...
Con man?
Well, as I think of it again now - I'm not so bothered as to whether I was cheated or not. I was just thinking... if I can do it again, would I have done it differently?
I was thinking, if Jesus was there - and since God would know the thoughts and intentions of a man's heart... He would have known that it was a con job. Knowing that, would he have given?
Now, I didn't know that man nor his intentions - but it wasn't hard to test.
1. He said he had no money to pump petrol, I could ask him to bring me to his car if he even had one.
2. I could check whether he really made a call by checking his phone.
3. Banks are closed on Saturdays - they shouldn't be asking him to come back tomorrow unless it is a wierd bank that opens on Saturday.
Even if I didn't do this, I could have ran back to the Australian student and verify if he used the same excuse. I didn't even make him put a miss call on my phone!
My mind is thinking : Joel, if you can get conned by such a thing, you must be a real idiot.
But my mind is also thinking: Would I lie and tell him I don't have 20 dollars? Or would I tell him that I think he is a con man and he doesn't deserve 20 dollars... Maybe I will tell him - here is 20 dollars, REMEMBER that I am a Christian...
(Just so he knows that he conned a Christian, and even if he doesn't see me anymore in this life, he better remember that Jesus is going to judge him... and he better repent this life or face the consequences when he meets Jesus the Judge)... well, its just typical of me to like thinking that everything I do have some good consequences even if it isn't handled the best way.
Sometime ago I was talking with some friends and we happened to talk about giving money to beggars. Some of them told me that the beggars were con men and they are pretty well off really, living off the pity of gullible people.
After some thought, I said... I would give them money anyway even if they are con men. They are in such a depraved state, their actions are not worthy of any honour (I think beggars have more honour than them)... I would pity them and give them the money.
On the other hand, if they are not con men, and I didn't give them the money they need to eat dinner the same night - than I am being merciless and have caused a man to go starving...
I said that with the idea that giving would mean a few ringgit... not 20 dollars which would convert to about 50 ringgit now. What I did today - I have very little idea if I did the right thing. If he didn't get 20 dollars off me, he would have gotten it off another person. If he did get 20 dollars off me (which he did), he would go around to get more 20 dollars anyway.
If I exposed him in public... I don't know what will happen. Is his dignity worth 20 dollars? Or is it that I am so gullible - that my intelligence is worth less than 20 dollars? I would like to think of it as the former. I mean - I would like to think of myself as a good person. Yet I know... I thank God didn't create my forehead with a screen that would display all my thoughts, cos that would be disasterous...
I know deep in my heart - not only short comings and weaknesses... but also the struggles with lust and all sorts of temptations and laziness that I have to face everyday.
I'm happy that Crystal thinks well of me. I really am happy of that. Having said that, I have to maintain a cool head and not get carried away. After all, it is pretty easy to live like a damn confident person who has no flaws when others only see us once in a while. I have friends that think well of me too... but the better they think well of me, the more I realize that they must know who I really am and what I struggle with.
Or else, they might just be living with an imaginary Joel. Neither do I want to live the life of an imaginary Joel. Very much like infatuation... She is so pretty, she is so hot, she is so smart, she is so perfect... She is flawless.
I have to deal with sin seriously and work on godliness... even if I can hide it from others, I won't be able to hide it from my wife... even if I hide it from my wife, God will see. And maybe the issue isn't really whether someone would catch me doing the wrong things and saying the wrong words...
It is just about wanting to give the genuine best to the people that I value in life. Though I am far away from that ideal- and I doubt I will ever reach that in this life... The little things that I need to remember is that both the journey and the destination is important.
Jesus promises in the Bible that one day I will be free from this sinful body (and it isn't in this life on earth but in heaven). Until then(and onwards), I will live an honest and transparent life... I will make honest effort, because I know that I am not alone in this effort. I know that God is helping me, and by making this effort - I also encourage others who are making the same effort, as well as receiving their encouragement simply by persevering.
Con job? Should I have given or shouldn't I have given?
I really don't know. My answers to my friends wouldn't be as definite as before. (back of my head: I don't mind getting cheated of 5 ringgit.... but 50 ringgit is a bit too much...)
Well, for the very least, I don't want to con myself to live an imaginary life.
For the very least, I want people to expect honesty from me.
For that, I better be honest to myself.
I only had a 50-dollar note. So I went away to look for change... a couple who sat nearby had 48.80 in change, and I said it was okay for them to give me 48.80 dollars. From a distance I could see him make a call to his friend describing his embarassing situation.
And so I gave that man 20 dollars. He thanked me, asked me if I wanted to take down his number so he could repay me again tomorrow in Uni. My mind was thinking, do I want him to repay me? Well, I'm not doing charity here, but I didn't want him to feel bad... so I said it was okay, he can take down my number and call me at his leisure.
As i left the scene, far enough almost to lose sight of him - I saw him approach an australian student...
Con man?
Well, as I think of it again now - I'm not so bothered as to whether I was cheated or not. I was just thinking... if I can do it again, would I have done it differently?
I was thinking, if Jesus was there - and since God would know the thoughts and intentions of a man's heart... He would have known that it was a con job. Knowing that, would he have given?
Now, I didn't know that man nor his intentions - but it wasn't hard to test.
1. He said he had no money to pump petrol, I could ask him to bring me to his car if he even had one.
2. I could check whether he really made a call by checking his phone.
3. Banks are closed on Saturdays - they shouldn't be asking him to come back tomorrow unless it is a wierd bank that opens on Saturday.
Even if I didn't do this, I could have ran back to the Australian student and verify if he used the same excuse. I didn't even make him put a miss call on my phone!
My mind is thinking : Joel, if you can get conned by such a thing, you must be a real idiot.
But my mind is also thinking: Would I lie and tell him I don't have 20 dollars? Or would I tell him that I think he is a con man and he doesn't deserve 20 dollars... Maybe I will tell him - here is 20 dollars, REMEMBER that I am a Christian...
(Just so he knows that he conned a Christian, and even if he doesn't see me anymore in this life, he better remember that Jesus is going to judge him... and he better repent this life or face the consequences when he meets Jesus the Judge)... well, its just typical of me to like thinking that everything I do have some good consequences even if it isn't handled the best way.
Sometime ago I was talking with some friends and we happened to talk about giving money to beggars. Some of them told me that the beggars were con men and they are pretty well off really, living off the pity of gullible people.
After some thought, I said... I would give them money anyway even if they are con men. They are in such a depraved state, their actions are not worthy of any honour (I think beggars have more honour than them)... I would pity them and give them the money.
On the other hand, if they are not con men, and I didn't give them the money they need to eat dinner the same night - than I am being merciless and have caused a man to go starving...
I said that with the idea that giving would mean a few ringgit... not 20 dollars which would convert to about 50 ringgit now. What I did today - I have very little idea if I did the right thing. If he didn't get 20 dollars off me, he would have gotten it off another person. If he did get 20 dollars off me (which he did), he would go around to get more 20 dollars anyway.
If I exposed him in public... I don't know what will happen. Is his dignity worth 20 dollars? Or is it that I am so gullible - that my intelligence is worth less than 20 dollars? I would like to think of it as the former. I mean - I would like to think of myself as a good person. Yet I know... I thank God didn't create my forehead with a screen that would display all my thoughts, cos that would be disasterous...
I know deep in my heart - not only short comings and weaknesses... but also the struggles with lust and all sorts of temptations and laziness that I have to face everyday.
I'm happy that Crystal thinks well of me. I really am happy of that. Having said that, I have to maintain a cool head and not get carried away. After all, it is pretty easy to live like a damn confident person who has no flaws when others only see us once in a while. I have friends that think well of me too... but the better they think well of me, the more I realize that they must know who I really am and what I struggle with.
Or else, they might just be living with an imaginary Joel. Neither do I want to live the life of an imaginary Joel. Very much like infatuation... She is so pretty, she is so hot, she is so smart, she is so perfect... She is flawless.
I have to deal with sin seriously and work on godliness... even if I can hide it from others, I won't be able to hide it from my wife... even if I hide it from my wife, God will see. And maybe the issue isn't really whether someone would catch me doing the wrong things and saying the wrong words...
It is just about wanting to give the genuine best to the people that I value in life. Though I am far away from that ideal- and I doubt I will ever reach that in this life... The little things that I need to remember is that both the journey and the destination is important.
Jesus promises in the Bible that one day I will be free from this sinful body (and it isn't in this life on earth but in heaven). Until then(and onwards), I will live an honest and transparent life... I will make honest effort, because I know that I am not alone in this effort. I know that God is helping me, and by making this effort - I also encourage others who are making the same effort, as well as receiving their encouragement simply by persevering.
Con job? Should I have given or shouldn't I have given?
I really don't know. My answers to my friends wouldn't be as definite as before. (back of my head: I don't mind getting cheated of 5 ringgit.... but 50 ringgit is a bit too much...)
Well, for the very least, I don't want to con myself to live an imaginary life.
For the very least, I want people to expect honesty from me.
For that, I better be honest to myself.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Little Stones
A fine cool day,
walking down the lonely path,
Little stones along the way,
dashing against my foot.
Such are these days. Everything I need is here, the good things in life to cheer me up; the little assurances I love to have - a home to stay, money to spend, academics which are doing pretty okay. God is in the picture, Christian and non-Christian friends surround me - there is fellowship, there is ministry.
Yet, the journey is not an easy one. Academics keep me on my toes. Hope strengthens me when I grow tired and weary. Not too strong, but strong enough to give me assurance that I will be able to endure.
Yet, it is not only marked with busy-ness as a routine, but also pricks. A piece of my heart is somewhere, somewhere it does not belong. My eyes grant me memories that brings pain to my heart. Everyday, I am reminded of the pain - and these thoughts keep my mind troubled all the time. The seemingly trivial things that are not trivial at all... they hurt my feet, I grow weary of walking - yet they cannot kill me.
Living between life and death - a full life belongs to me. Struggles have never been so consistent, such energy has never been required of me. Yet for the glory of this struggle, such is this life. Between here and a land far away, between life and death.
This life demands my vision to see heaven and earth, yet not a place somewhere in between. A call to have such violence that is gentle! A cry and a shout in the form of a plea. The identity of a man, yet being the bride. A position that desires to give - so much... yet is constantly receiving. A promise of acceptance and belonging, yet Home is somewhere in the distant future.
In this world you have tribulation - but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world.
What is it that You have overcome? Your overcoming has granted vision of the strength of hope - If hope is already this strong, how much greater shall the realization be?
Little stones strike my feet along the way,
Until the largest boulder take me Home.
walking down the lonely path,
Little stones along the way,
dashing against my foot.
Such are these days. Everything I need is here, the good things in life to cheer me up; the little assurances I love to have - a home to stay, money to spend, academics which are doing pretty okay. God is in the picture, Christian and non-Christian friends surround me - there is fellowship, there is ministry.
Yet, the journey is not an easy one. Academics keep me on my toes. Hope strengthens me when I grow tired and weary. Not too strong, but strong enough to give me assurance that I will be able to endure.
Yet, it is not only marked with busy-ness as a routine, but also pricks. A piece of my heart is somewhere, somewhere it does not belong. My eyes grant me memories that brings pain to my heart. Everyday, I am reminded of the pain - and these thoughts keep my mind troubled all the time. The seemingly trivial things that are not trivial at all... they hurt my feet, I grow weary of walking - yet they cannot kill me.
Living between life and death - a full life belongs to me. Struggles have never been so consistent, such energy has never been required of me. Yet for the glory of this struggle, such is this life. Between here and a land far away, between life and death.
This life demands my vision to see heaven and earth, yet not a place somewhere in between. A call to have such violence that is gentle! A cry and a shout in the form of a plea. The identity of a man, yet being the bride. A position that desires to give - so much... yet is constantly receiving. A promise of acceptance and belonging, yet Home is somewhere in the distant future.
In this world you have tribulation - but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world.
What is it that You have overcome? Your overcoming has granted vision of the strength of hope - If hope is already this strong, how much greater shall the realization be?
Little stones strike my feet along the way,
Until the largest boulder take me Home.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Without and Within
A thousand wars without I can fight, yet who can stop my own hand against myself?
Fights so intense I can stand, but when the heart is troubled... How can I stand.
An enemy I can overcome, a friend - I can't, I can only give in.
What are wars? What are fights? What are enemies? NOTHING. They are all easy prey.
But I cannot stop my hand...
My heart is the source of the trouble - how can a heart be solved?
I am my friend who have been living with me since forever...
If I don't stand up for myself... Who will?
Supposedly someone else's knight in shining armour - I am now my damsel in distress. Can I be my own knight?
This side of heaven, things go unexplained. My soul groans for the pain - heart and mind.
Heaven, how I long for you. I know... good stories never end with the damsel failing... but Jesus, my knight in shining armour will one day appear in power - and carry me back to where I belong.
Called home to be with The Lord... should be a colourful advertisement... not grayscale.
Fights so intense I can stand, but when the heart is troubled... How can I stand.
An enemy I can overcome, a friend - I can't, I can only give in.
What are wars? What are fights? What are enemies? NOTHING. They are all easy prey.
But I cannot stop my hand...
My heart is the source of the trouble - how can a heart be solved?
I am my friend who have been living with me since forever...
If I don't stand up for myself... Who will?
Supposedly someone else's knight in shining armour - I am now my damsel in distress. Can I be my own knight?
This side of heaven, things go unexplained. My soul groans for the pain - heart and mind.
Heaven, how I long for you. I know... good stories never end with the damsel failing... but Jesus, my knight in shining armour will one day appear in power - and carry me back to where I belong.
Called home to be with The Lord... should be a colourful advertisement... not grayscale.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Time Passes Slowly
This season of my life, is so familiar. It looks just like half a decade ago.
5 years ago, I thought I was matured. But honestly, I was really childish and stupid. God brought me through that season, and I emerged as a slightly more matured person, a thinker and a feeler in a richer sense - I think more, and I felt more. I became more human, I became a little more like Jesus, though the idea of similarity is still far fetched. After that 5 years ago, I could no longer communicate well with the peers of my time. I grew, but I also grew into a journey which is more lonely.
5 years later - today. It feels like a mini series replaying. I think I am pretty matured now. But I know I am up for some enlightenment to know that it must have been proud of me to think in such a manner. I know, because I am a Christian... I know that I will emerge again as a slightly more matured person, a thinker and a feeler in a richer sense - I will think more, I will feel more... I will become more human, I will grow to be more like Jesus.
I know this is one price that I will pay reluctantly, because there isn't anything better around to spend my life on. What I have experienced through the years - what I think is a gift from God... is this:
God gave me many things. Timely things. Things that are worth for a season and no more.
Yet through the giving and taking away of temporal things, God gave me things that nobody can ever take away. God gave me experience. God gave me a life story. God filled up my history. Should one day my life be read as a book, they will see God's traces, God's fingerprints, God's poem.
I have not learnt to amass. God didn't teach me to amass anything. The things God gave me is unseen. It was not talents, neither is it intelligence - He gave me a mind and a heart. A mind and a heart that would continually grow to learn that He is trustworthy, and one that will know that this season is a season of growing up - and not a season to ask: Why God? Why now? Why me?
I have been growing up in various ways for the past 6 years or so. Every time it has to do with my self esteem - I learn that neither high nor low self esteem is the way to go - but one that is a clear evaluation of who I am; for self esteem is not one thing that is supposed to bring me up or pull me down, as though it is a tool that works like pep talk... but self esteem is to know that I am nothing before God, yet God cares for my life, and my very heart - self esteem teaches me gratefulness, contentment, humility, quietness, stability, calmness.
Every time it has to do with relationships. I learn that relationships make or break a person. Things don't make or break a person... people do. The people that can hurt us the most, is the one that we imagine to have a good relationship with. But I learn that in the midst of hurt, though I feel alone, yet I am not lonely. When I hurt, I share the fate of millions - when I am high and happy, I only know the true feelings of a few people. Relationships are relationships, they are not always a source of confidence, not always a source of dependence - but relationships are things that define a person. I am a child of God, I am a child of man. I have a Father in heaven, I have a father on earth. I have siblings in the heavenly realms, I have siblings in the earthly realms. I was once among those who are lost, now I am with those who are found. In relationships, I find a reason to grow - growth is to know God more, trust God more, and enjoy God more. Other than that, I find no reason in producing excellent work, nor much reason to continue in a seemingly endless toil on earth.
Every time, time feels like a big factor. I find myself asking - when will this ever end? History repeats over and over. The message is singular. I learn that I can't learn heart lessons too many times. The night is darkest before dawn - As much as hope is in the end, time is a big part of the lesson. I learn that I don't just turn happy because God did something, but that God did something over time, and He did it many times, and I know He will do it again and again. Faithfulness is one thing only time can tell. God is faithful - He is 5 years ago, He is since I was born, He is since 2000 years ago - when He fulfilled a promise since the days of Adam and Eve.
Time passes slowly. In the quietness of the night, my thoughts become calm. Conflict and strivings melt into a frozen state, I seem to have ample time to think - in a lonely and quiet night alone, I enter into another world. I enter into a new type of reality. In this reality, the rubber doesn't hit the road, things are dully ideal - i explore this compartment of my philosophy that executes thoughts without much pressure from the daily demands in life. Since I am alone, I can let my thoughts flow - nobody is waiting for an answer from my lips, I have no responsibility to "make everyone at the dinner table talk to one another" - it is like, I don't even feel God is in my room. There are few situations in my life where I make biggest decisions in life:
When I am alone this way.
or when I am alone with God.
This year, is a turning point in my life. One way will lead on to the other. And for a long long time, the words written here will have very little meaning until I reach my next turning point in life. These words have little meaning, but these words will chart out the course until I reach the next turning point.
5 years ago, I thought I was matured. But honestly, I was really childish and stupid. God brought me through that season, and I emerged as a slightly more matured person, a thinker and a feeler in a richer sense - I think more, and I felt more. I became more human, I became a little more like Jesus, though the idea of similarity is still far fetched. After that 5 years ago, I could no longer communicate well with the peers of my time. I grew, but I also grew into a journey which is more lonely.
5 years later - today. It feels like a mini series replaying. I think I am pretty matured now. But I know I am up for some enlightenment to know that it must have been proud of me to think in such a manner. I know, because I am a Christian... I know that I will emerge again as a slightly more matured person, a thinker and a feeler in a richer sense - I will think more, I will feel more... I will become more human, I will grow to be more like Jesus.
I know this is one price that I will pay reluctantly, because there isn't anything better around to spend my life on. What I have experienced through the years - what I think is a gift from God... is this:
God gave me many things. Timely things. Things that are worth for a season and no more.
Yet through the giving and taking away of temporal things, God gave me things that nobody can ever take away. God gave me experience. God gave me a life story. God filled up my history. Should one day my life be read as a book, they will see God's traces, God's fingerprints, God's poem.
I have not learnt to amass. God didn't teach me to amass anything. The things God gave me is unseen. It was not talents, neither is it intelligence - He gave me a mind and a heart. A mind and a heart that would continually grow to learn that He is trustworthy, and one that will know that this season is a season of growing up - and not a season to ask: Why God? Why now? Why me?
I have been growing up in various ways for the past 6 years or so. Every time it has to do with my self esteem - I learn that neither high nor low self esteem is the way to go - but one that is a clear evaluation of who I am; for self esteem is not one thing that is supposed to bring me up or pull me down, as though it is a tool that works like pep talk... but self esteem is to know that I am nothing before God, yet God cares for my life, and my very heart - self esteem teaches me gratefulness, contentment, humility, quietness, stability, calmness.
Every time it has to do with relationships. I learn that relationships make or break a person. Things don't make or break a person... people do. The people that can hurt us the most, is the one that we imagine to have a good relationship with. But I learn that in the midst of hurt, though I feel alone, yet I am not lonely. When I hurt, I share the fate of millions - when I am high and happy, I only know the true feelings of a few people. Relationships are relationships, they are not always a source of confidence, not always a source of dependence - but relationships are things that define a person. I am a child of God, I am a child of man. I have a Father in heaven, I have a father on earth. I have siblings in the heavenly realms, I have siblings in the earthly realms. I was once among those who are lost, now I am with those who are found. In relationships, I find a reason to grow - growth is to know God more, trust God more, and enjoy God more. Other than that, I find no reason in producing excellent work, nor much reason to continue in a seemingly endless toil on earth.
Every time, time feels like a big factor. I find myself asking - when will this ever end? History repeats over and over. The message is singular. I learn that I can't learn heart lessons too many times. The night is darkest before dawn - As much as hope is in the end, time is a big part of the lesson. I learn that I don't just turn happy because God did something, but that God did something over time, and He did it many times, and I know He will do it again and again. Faithfulness is one thing only time can tell. God is faithful - He is 5 years ago, He is since I was born, He is since 2000 years ago - when He fulfilled a promise since the days of Adam and Eve.
Time passes slowly. In the quietness of the night, my thoughts become calm. Conflict and strivings melt into a frozen state, I seem to have ample time to think - in a lonely and quiet night alone, I enter into another world. I enter into a new type of reality. In this reality, the rubber doesn't hit the road, things are dully ideal - i explore this compartment of my philosophy that executes thoughts without much pressure from the daily demands in life. Since I am alone, I can let my thoughts flow - nobody is waiting for an answer from my lips, I have no responsibility to "make everyone at the dinner table talk to one another" - it is like, I don't even feel God is in my room. There are few situations in my life where I make biggest decisions in life:
When I am alone this way.
or when I am alone with God.
This year, is a turning point in my life. One way will lead on to the other. And for a long long time, the words written here will have very little meaning until I reach my next turning point in life. These words have little meaning, but these words will chart out the course until I reach the next turning point.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
I Cried
This morning, perhaps about 7a.m. I cried.
I only remembered that I was in the Library, I was crying. Mitchell was saying that it was okay because Jesus forgave everything so I didn't need to cry anymore.
I told him that the reason I cried was exactly because Jesus forgave me everything.
Now I couldn't but think back the first time I watched The Passion of The Christ. Some people cried because they pitied Jesus, some because that it was simply inhumane, or maybe some other reasons.
But I was crying in my heart that time, "Jesus, don't die for me - You don't deserve this"
This morning, I was crying again. In my heart I said "I don't deserve You dying for me". But this time, I didn't say Jesus please don't die for me.
I cried for quite a long while I think, perhaps about 5 minutes in real life?
(5 minutes in real life is quite a long time in the dream-life. I really think so because it seems so that our subconcious minds are reminded of much more things than our conscious mind could even comprehend of processing. Remember getting an idea that took you 2 seconds to understand but takes minutes for you to think of how to put it into words?)
I only remembered that I was in the Library, I was crying. Mitchell was saying that it was okay because Jesus forgave everything so I didn't need to cry anymore.
I told him that the reason I cried was exactly because Jesus forgave me everything.
Now I couldn't but think back the first time I watched The Passion of The Christ. Some people cried because they pitied Jesus, some because that it was simply inhumane, or maybe some other reasons.
But I was crying in my heart that time, "Jesus, don't die for me - You don't deserve this"
This morning, I was crying again. In my heart I said "I don't deserve You dying for me". But this time, I didn't say Jesus please don't die for me.
I cried for quite a long while I think, perhaps about 5 minutes in real life?
(5 minutes in real life is quite a long time in the dream-life. I really think so because it seems so that our subconcious minds are reminded of much more things than our conscious mind could even comprehend of processing. Remember getting an idea that took you 2 seconds to understand but takes minutes for you to think of how to put it into words?)
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