A Blessing Undisguised

As usual, when I arrive at work, I'll just take out the laptop, and greet some people.

[Joel] says: (9:23:19 AM)

good morning :D

-*rachierach*- says: (9:23:46 AM)

hi :)

-*rachierach*- says: (9:23:54 AM)

how you doing today?

[Joel] says: (9:24:16 AM)

today looks pretty bright

[Joel] says: (9:24:18 AM)

:D

[Joel] says: (9:24:26 AM)

i have things lined up

[Joel] says: (9:24:56 AM)

haha, i just hope that unpleasant things won't suddenly just pop up and spoil it:P

-*rachierach*- says: (9:25:47 AM)

that sounds good :)

-*rachierach*- says: (9:26:14 AM)

and if things do pop up we know it would definitely e with reason so its all cool

-*rachierach*- says: (9:26:16 AM)

:)

-*rachierach*- says: (9:26:41 AM)

of course its easy to say and totally another thing to do

I had the rest of my week planned out. I'm pretty excited to be able to meet some old friends, catch up - and find time to discuss and learn about the Bible. I've been wanting to share with friends and family the things I have learnt about the Bible for quite some time.

And so, my planner is now filled up. Can't think of anything better to do. So Thursday had come, and I am supposed to be having dinner with James and talk about some Bible matters. Having plans to look ahead to, I told Rachel that I'm anticipating the day, hoping that no funny things happen to spoil everything.

And so 6 p.m. came, I walked to my car.

*Click*

(Hmm, why isn't the car unlocked..)

*Click* ....*Click Click Click*.....

*Click* x1000

"Shit!"

(Call Mark, call Mark, calm down, call Mark.....)

Joel: "Eh abang, I click the remote control right... the car door not unlocking. So how ah?"

Mark: "Oh, your car battery dead edi..."

(Its good to have some genius friends. You tell them a little bit, they know what is going on)

Here is what happened(which is the only possible thing that happened in my opinion): 

It was raining sometime in the afternoon, and there was lightning. The thunder was so loud that it set the car alarm off. Me being in the office and pretty far away from my car, didn't hear a thing - until the alarm drained off my battery. 

So, I asked my colleagues to help me jump start the car. Only to realize that without opening the car door, I cannot open the bonnet, and I cannot jump start the car. The problem is this: the keys that I was holding was supposed to unlock the car electronically, and ignite the engine - it couldn't open the car door mechanically. Where were the keys to open the car door?

Well, genius me left it in the car. I never thought I would ever need to use it. Truth be told, I didn't know what the keys were actually for! My dad passed me the remote control along with the set of keys, I just separated them and took the remote control (which has the engine ignition key) It never came across my mind that when the battery goes flat, I would need them.

This meant that I had to go home to take another set of car keys to open the car. And I had to take a KTM from Serdang to Subang Jaya. It was a long long distance. I had to SMS James and told him I couldn't make it today. As I was arranging, I learnt that if I had dinner with him tonight, the meeting could only last a maximum of 90 minutes (which is really short) as he has some errands to do. So I postponed it till Saturday morning, which meant that I would have more time. 2 hours or more I think!

On the way back from KTM, my brother told me that there isn't "another set of car keys" at home. In simple words, my car is totally locked and there is no key to open it. The only thing I could think of is:

a) Break the car glass

b) get a lock smith all the way to Cyberjaya ( convince him it is my car, and help me steal my car)

Both would cost me quite a lot of money. In my mind I was thinking "Oh shit", this is going bad. But I was also remembering the conversation with Rachel in the morning. I convinced myself that this is just to convenient to be an accident - the same morning I said it, it happened. This is the first time in my 3 years of driving experience that I'm encountering it - it is just to convenient for a bad story.

As I was sitting down in the train, I was thinking to myself... perhaps I could use my time wisely. Share the Gospel? Hmm, nah... I can't do follow up and I will leave the person worse than before. So I tried to talk with the person sitting next to me, but the conversation didn't go far. When I switched trains, I got an opportunity to talk to a girl called Nicole. And so I asked her about her work, where she lives, after knowing that she is also getting off the train at Subang Jaya. I got down her MSN, and I look forward to get to know her a little better, and perhaps I might just get the chance to tell her about the God I love.

Before the train arrived, I got a call from Mark. His plan is to help me steal my car, i.e. pick the car lock. Now, you have to know something about Mark. He just finished classes, drove back to Kota Kemuning from Nilai (about 1 hour drive), and he is willing to come to my place (Subang Jaya) to fetch me to Cyberjaya (30 minutes drive) to help me steal my car. You can't get friends like this I tell you.

So while being in his car on the way to Cyberjaya, we were talking about different things. And Mark was telling me that he was having a hard time living with his housemates. By the end of the conversation, I said:

"Eh Mark, after hearing your story right, I become a little less superficial already I think. Next time look for wife, really must marry a good wife ah - if not really suffer. I mean good in heart la. Good wife hard to find"

I'm serious. I'm quite happy that I have good housemates where I stay. mark is a patient guy and he is suffering after living 1 week with his housemates - sadly he is bonded to stay with them for 1 year. I was thinking in my mind, 1 week and it is like that, a life time is going to be hell!

Anyway, we went back to Cyberjaya, and I sat around like an idiot as I see him using some long ruler to try to open the car door, and jump start the car. As he was working with his hands, he was saying:

"Why am I helping a GUY at night ah? Why not a girl ah - haiyooo...."

It reminded me of the many times when I cross the road, I hope that some giant lorry will suddenly turn out of the corner and almost bang a girl.. and then I would dive over, save her and save myself - and she would be so touched. I have been hoping for that day for many years, it never came, and I think it won't. Here is Mark. He helped me with car issues twice, and computer issues also about twice. Too bad, I hope one day some girl's car breaks down and they will call Mark.

After about 15 minutes... *CHAK*

The door opened. In the middle of the night I was (almost yelling):

"Fuiyoh!!! Genius la you, damn canggih man. If I am a woman I will marry you lah! Really one, but I am not a woman lah"

After that, we went back to Subang for mamak, which was also quite good as we talked even more. In my mind I was thinking, "not a bad day at all!". After all, I got to extend the appointment duration with James, catch up with Mark, and get into contact with Nicole. Honestly, I feel very privileged to have more opportunities. I don't want to lock myself out of the car again, but I do hope that more things like that will happen. 

Uglier and uglier... maybe not

Things have changed. It is either you have gotten more and more beautiful... or maybe you have gotten uglier and uglier. Or maybe, you have stayed the same... my eyes have gotten uglier, thats why you look uglier; or perhaps my eyes caught some thing more beautiful.

Well, I can't believe that things has not changed. I know you want to think that this is just transcient - but it isn't. I am more likely to believe that it is my eyes have gotten uglier - but knowing you, I cannot rule out the fact that you were so much more beautiful when I first met you.

Then onwards, it was like peeling onions. The more I know you, the sadder it becomes - as my eyes slowly blur, being no longer able to appreciate and evaluate things clearly.

Times like this, I need to brush off the dirt - stand up again, and move on towards where I was supposed to go in the very beginning. A flower by the road - I have mistaken as a companion for the journey... Yet it is true, that even fleeting moments are precious. I would willingly slow down my journey for a little kitten by the road.

My fantasies are shattered, there is no puppy, and there are no kittens. The pedestrians, they are just there - they probably don't mean to be obstacles or companions... they just wander - sometimes they come across as friendly, sometimes as complete strangers. The pain is just hard to bear - it is easy to give up on a tiring journey and settle down for the beautiful scenery.

And you were more than a flower, more than a kitten - you were more, but I hoped for even more. I have stopped too long to expect less, if I leave - I lag behind; if I stay, I live in denial. The sun scorches, the flower fades, little children run into the shade, and the path is clear.

If I don't leave now, I will never reach. Please, come along with me if you will - I trust that the journey would be much more interesting and encouraging... if you are willing to trust me too.

The Round Ball

My friend who guided me much in my life a season in my life - Josh always this:

"Life is like a round ball"

It was one of those corny lines like - Life is like a box of chocolates sort of thing. I don't ever remember him explaining what he meant by "Life is like a round ball"... but one thing I know, life goes on and on - like a round ball. You can be happy, you can be sad, life goes on... You may be half alive, you might be on top of the world... life goes on. Even if you die one day, the world just goes on.

Assignments come and go, different seasons in our life poses us different challenges... the challenges we faced and the decisions we made about them seems so childish now. But it did not look that childish back then. Should I live a few more years down the road, perhaps I would laugh at the reasons why I get depressed today.

Life going on and on - I learn that I could be the kind of person that never grows up. Very much like Love songs. The boyband sings about losing the one he loves 10 years ago, and they will continue singing about the same thing 10 years later. Perhaps I'm that kind of person, I'm afraid that in a few years time, I will become depressed over the things that depress me now. Since 7 years ago, I feel insecure and inferior over... more childish things... 7 years later, I feel insecure and inferior over childish things of a higher class. A more sophisticated kind of childishness.

It makes me think quite a bit how I live now. Behave your age? What do you mean by behave your age? I just cannot lose touch with my generation. As much as I want to keep in touch, the years of lonely thoughts have seperated me very much from... good and simple things in life. I don't think I know how to enjoy the company of another person. I always paint a picture of a perfect 10 in my mind, and tend to only praise people who are able to do the best - not so much their best.

Why? Who told me that "this is a real and practical world"? "If your perfect 10 is not the practical perfect 10 of the world, then it is no perfect 10"... I know the effort people put into their work. And many times... your perfect 10 is something harder to achieve than the world's perfect 10 - but why Joel? You know that it is hard to "give your all"... but why do you measure things the way the world measures?

This whole world is about relationships. Your mindset will kill you if you don't change. Like a round ball, you will continue living - but you will be more dead than alive. There are things that are worth giving up...

My mindset has defined me. My mindset is not only unhelpful (though helpful in certain things), but it is destructive to this world. You are a chaos, you are an outlaw, you are unloving... There are things I am willing to give up. I want to give up my thoughts. I want a new beginning. I want an assurance of a chance to turn a new leaf. I want to die to myself... so I can live. I am rotten beyond change, I need a new beginning - yet I the ugliness in me is pushing me to look like a perfect 10...

It is like...

Joel, if you repent, you have to get it right the first time you do it. How can you ever be wrong? SHIT Joel. You can be wrong and you are damn wrong at this point. You have conversations with yourself more than you have with God plus other people. Now, don't even try to turn your reluctance into a philosophy - and join in the league of the geniuses of self-denial. You hate it, and the reason is simple.

Fear. Fear is such an amazing things. It doesn't kill you, but it drains off your life. A life of paralysis. Thats what you are fighting Joel. You are fighting your fear to fight. What if they laugh and what if they sneer?

Do it anyway. But let me assure you my dear boy, they won't be laughing at you and sneering at your. The people around you care for you more than you ever cared for yourself. They see the simple things you will never see. And as pessimistic as this world is, I have got to give them the credit and put some faith in them to change me. Why be an individual?

I want to be an individual. But I realize that the prize of being an individual...well, I don't know what is the prize of being an "individual"... but I know whatever the prize is, I will take it alone. There is no one to celebrate with if there was ever such a prise - "The best individual in the world". There are people in my life that I love enough, to be willing to lose myself.

I can't always sit around and hope for some big-time-life-changing-event to come. Today is the life changing event. If today you cannot make a wise decision with a cool head, what makes me think I can make a better one when my head is hot? This is the problem with you Joel. You actually quarrel with yourself. You know it isn't an angel-devil-voice-in-the-head, you know it is just you who tries to want everything.

Hey Joel, sometimes having everything - even if it is possile... isn't the best thing. If everybody has too much, how can anybody share anything? If nobody lacks, how can we show love? Why on earth do you have the dumb idea that "much is good"? Well, you know you are not fully convinced that the whole idea of "much is good" is dumb... there is some measure of truth in there.

Sigh...

I know what I want. I want to live a normal life. This year I am 20. I am at my prime. I can't afford losing time. In my mind, I am a little glad that I am learning through this all. If you never said no... I would be living in dreamland. But now that you said no, I thank you. It has been long since I realized that life ain't a bed of roses. There are things that cannot be rushed... growth takes time, but I know that there is such a thing as "refusing to grow up".

I want to grow up well.
I want to grow up well.
I want to grow up well.

I am a boy.but I cannot stay a boy forever. I may know a little more things, but if I stay a boy... the good things I know will one day be my stumbling block. I don't want to grow old without growing up. I know many old people who has never grown up. Yet because of the very same reason, I know that I do not love them enough to give them my life to love them enough to teach them.

Grow up Joel. Learn to do something good without hoping for a reward. Learn to consider growth a reward. Learn to consider giving as a blessing. I know people who consider giving as a blessing because it gives them some self worth... No, I don't want my worth to be defined by my giving.

I want to cry. I want to cry. I want to cry. I want to cry because I know nobody can change my mind. I am in dire need of some love and support. I will degrade from boy to baby. But perhaps that is one thing I need to learn, to be humble enough to accept help. After all, whether I grow up or not... life goes on.

Little Stones

A fine cool day,
walking down the lonely path,
Little stones along the way,
dashing against my foot.

Such are these days. Everything I need is here, the good things in life to cheer me up; the little assurances I love to have - a home to stay, money to spend, academics which are doing pretty okay. God is in the picture, Christian and non-Christian friends surround me - there is fellowship, there is ministry.

Yet, the journey is not an easy one. Academics keep me on my toes. Hope strengthens me when I grow tired and weary. Not too strong, but strong enough to give me assurance that I will be able to endure.

Yet, it is not only marked with busy-ness as a routine, but also pricks. A piece of my heart is somewhere, somewhere it does not belong. My eyes grant me memories that brings pain to my heart. Everyday, I am reminded of the pain - and these thoughts keep my mind troubled all the time. The seemingly trivial things that are not trivial at all... they hurt my feet, I grow weary of walking - yet they cannot kill me.

Living between life and death - a full life belongs to me. Struggles have never been so consistent, such energy has never been required of me. Yet for the glory of this struggle, such is this life. Between here and a land far away, between life and death.

This life demands my vision to see heaven and earth, yet not a place somewhere in between. A call to have such violence that is gentle! A cry and a shout in the form of a plea. The identity of a man, yet being the bride. A position that desires to give - so much... yet is constantly receiving. A promise of acceptance and belonging, yet Home is somewhere in the distant future.

In this world you have tribulation - but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world.

What is it that You have overcome? Your overcoming has granted vision of the strength of hope - If hope is already this strong, how much greater shall the realization be?

Little stones strike my feet along the way,
Until the largest boulder take me Home.

A Time for Test

The time of testing has come again, and whether I pass this day, depends on whether I passed yesterday. If I was not responsible yesterday, todays load will be heavier.

A test for the heart. It is a hard test. It is not a test of time - but a test to trust God's goodness. To acknowledge that the truth is true, that God is good.

Oh God, I have never been good at this. I feel like I am like a weakling in this whole matter, I don't feel like a champion at all. Every time this comes, you will show me that I am not ready. How I wish that I am ready... but my continual wish for readiness is a sign that I am not mature enough. How ironic.

I want to be ready. I don't want to "want to be ready". Because I know as long as I want, I have never let it go yet. Let it go Joel, if it is yours, it will come back.

Such is life. Let it go. If it is yours, it will come...
If it isn't - and you don't let go now, you will lose it anyway.

God, You have taught me. I owe you my life. I wish that I would be a robot for this area of my life - incapable of making my own decisions but mindlessly and emotionlessly sweep through it... then I would not have to suffer such pain. But surely, Your plan is not so.

Your ways are not my ways, your thoughts are higher than mine. You desire to see Jesus formed in me. I desire insanity. Such God, are the struggles in my heart. God - I know of two things to do when I struggle...

Give in.
Grow up.

I want the latter. But the former is easier. Such is life, the better thing is always the harder thing to do. Why did Eve want to be like God? Wasn't she already like God - made in the likeness of God?

Why? I am not really wanting to know why. It is just hard God. I just want to assure myself that You know. I'm sure you know. I just doubt that I am assured of that.

Dear God, today I learn that You ought to be the rightful and loving ruler who is supposed to rule over my life - my failure to comply is sin. And truly so...

The good news and the sad news is that it is the same news.

Dear God, I know You will bring me through all this. Please, please, please grant me strength that I may endure this... that I may honour You... even if nobody ever understands anything.

The Little I Know About Marriage

As you read this post, it would be responsible for me to say first that the following words are from The Bible... Marriage from the Book. It is not a moral guide - though one may derive from it... but it is about God's Marriage - not so much about our marriage, but Jesus' Marriage.

Before the beginning of the world, the Heavenly Father was preparing a marriage for His Son - Jesus. It was not proper that Jesus doesn't have a bride - so God planned out an epic story where Jesus Christ will have to save the bride, save the day, and wed her one day. This is the marriage that will last throughout eternity.

And so, begins the creation of the world. God created mankind - but little did humans know they one day, many of them would join together as one body called church... and this body of people is called the Bride of Christ (Jesus). And so the saga begins...

God created Adam - then God said... It is not good for man to be alone - I will create for Adam a suitable (and equal) helper... and God created Eve. For this reason, a man shall leave his father (and mother) and be joined to his wife as one flesh. God then joined Adam and Eve together in marriage.

And so, this was the first trace of the marriage that will one day happen in heaven - but before that, man will take thousands of years to learn the purpose of the universe...

Some point in time, Adam and Eve rebelled against God and chose to dethroned God in their hearts. God as the Judge sentenced them to death, so that one day man will breathe his final breath and return to dust.

For that matter, the best marriages on earth will never last. Nothing may do them apart, but 'till death do us part' - it is an unwilling parting, since marriage was meant to last.

Rebelling against God (sin) and falling into God's Judgement, humans have nothing to save them. Yet, through the years, God reveals His Laws to show that mankind have turned away from God and have walked the paths that leads to death; meanwhile, God shows mercy on people and showers them with His love... God was preparing His Son the Hero to save these people.

And so, the hero who was waiting since eternity, Jesus came into the scene. He came to save His bride from the masses of humanity. Jesus came to show the full measure of God's Love, to lead His people back to God in repentance, to wash His Bride clean of the filth that has stuck to her as a result of her fornication...and to one day... be one flesh with His people-His Bride, to be so joined together...one flesh.

As Jesus came to this world in the form of a man 2000 years ago, some of the people rejected Him and hung Him on the cross, some of them entrusted their lives to God. Jesus had to die... His death was the payment for the sins of the world. What was meant to be God's Judgement on us, Jesus took our place and suffered the death for us - so that whoever believes in Him has passed God's Judgement.

For if Jesus did not die in saving us, we will be lost and there will be no Bride. And to those who believed Jesus, they became a part of the church which will one day be the Bride of Christ.

While we (Christians) wait on earth, even trials come upon us - so that we may be purified when we have endured the test... God Himself being our strength to overcome, so that one day, we will be a clean and pure Bride on our wedding day.

And so, the creation of the universe is this - that God may prepare for His Son a Bride... which will rule over a New Creation that God has prepared since forever. In this new world, The Father being the God of all, and the Son Jesus Christ ruling the world with His Bride and enjoying all Creation throughout eternity.

His Bride is the church/(are the Christians) then (not just those who call themselves Christians, but those who are truly Christians in heart)- who will also enjoy fellowship with one another as long as eternity goes.

Marriage is not a human invention. Marriage is designed to last. Marriage is designed to join. Marriage is designed for faithfulness.

Yes, today's world, those who are divorced is of the same number with those who are married. And not many people are truly happily married. The world is a twisted place, many things ought not to be the way it was in the beginning. But this is not the end of the story.

For us who are single, we look forward to the true marriage in Heaven. For those who are married, we strive - by God's help, to be a pattern of the one true marriage we will see one day in Heaven.

God has designed us for Lasting Relationships that will never break, True Security that will remain faithful... Assurance that will bring Joy and Peace to the heart; so that while we wait on earth and are despaired by the things happening - we look toward heaven and remain hopeful and steadfast in this world, yearning to be who we are really meant to be.

This is the meaning of life.

Random talk about girls...

During dinner, my friends and I were talking about a documentary about this boy who committed suicide. Apparently, the boy was teased over the internet, being called a loser repeatedly. Besides that a girl in school expressed interest in him to tell him in the end that it was a joke. Similar events finally drove him to a point where he could no longer see the diginity in living life, and he ended his life.

We were talking - The emphasis on things will kill people. Most of the things are not evil in itself. For example: Beauty is a wonderful thing. However, when beauty is emphasized, within our human understanding, beauty is most magnified in physical appearance. Beauty being magnified, what happens to those who are not so beautiful looking? Possessions? Talents?

Slowly and surely, whenever we praise somebody of being more beautiful, of being richer, or of being better off than some other people - we strip true dignity of living off other people, in the process convincing ourselves that we are a ∑ (sum) of external things.

C.S Lewis puts it well. People are not proud of being rich or beautiful. They are proud of being richer and more beautiful. The issue is that in today's world, it is very hard to praise one person, and also think of the feelings of others around - so as to not make them feel inferior.

The outrageous cry for approval informs us that the major part of humanity has lost their dignity. If we had our dignity, the approval of others ought to have a significantly less impact on much of ourbehaviour.

We were just browsing through a "famous blogger" - which I found that the reason is because she is physically appealing. How.... Surprising.

"Surely she has negligible value on the inside," I said

"Maybe she is pretty on the outside and even kinder on the outside?" my friend said.

Is that possible? Look at all her photos - she is all out to flaunt. I doubt she has any other thing that she is proud of besides her face. Or else she would have displayed it.

Mathematically, in our society - due to the fault of everybody, influenced by the many people - the hope that a physically appealing girl leading a good life where there is a good balance in life is like limits approaching 0.

We ought to campaign against superficiality. If the population could be 1% less superficial and place less emphasis on externals. It is like petrol prices going down by a dollar per litre. The price of everything will drop. Inflation would go down. There would be more money to be given away to those who truly need it.

We would need less advertisements for donation. Honestly, I really think that most of the cosmetic companies shouldn't exist.

For every RM100 you are paying, more than half the money was used for advertising - to get better celebrities to promote it. So that you would be convinced. How vain. Oh - Ecclesiastes was being preached.

How meaningless.

The bad part is that I am affected like all of us. And for all of us, it is really bad. It seems that our hearts are somewhat inclined to think that the truly meaningless we are involved in are somewhat meaningful.

This is the good part about not being in politics at the moment. When I am not in politics, I can say that some industries should just die off. When I am in politics, I will have to learn hwo to work out the most beneficial/effective compromise.

Politicians - I pity some of them. When they have to work out what is most practical, they can be accused of compromising on their values - these people deserve more support. Well, the others are just greedy.

To my physically blessed friends - let us emphasize on other things which do not tear people down in the process when we praise. Let us praise whatever that is good, lovely, encouraging, supportive - let us praise good attitudes, noble deeds and sacrifices.

In the process, I trust that the more we praise such things - we see that we ourselves lack so much in these areas that we will be humble in the end to know our shortcomings.

Humble people are more well loved. Humble people learn much more in life. Humble people enjoy more even when they have less. Humble people don't get stressed as much over the things that the proud do so often.

Instead of sharing beauty tips -

I'm serious. Before this post ends, I'm really saying that if you wish to do something good and right, you ought to praise certain thigns and regard the others as nothing. Think of it, how meaningless can guys and girls be.

To be very blatant, so many elements are driving girls to emphasize their shell and not whatever that is inside - of course, there are little bits mentioned to quieten the conscience...How much effort, time, or energy left do they have to build up what is inside?

And guess who becomes the female's number 1 cheerleader. Shame on me.

Some of us might say, I am not being like that. I don't emphasize on such things. I just praise them once in a blue moon.

Or some of you think that you are being neutral.

But being neutral in a negative flow, what does that make you?

When you are given a breath and strength to fight what is crooked and you refuse to exercise that right - what does that make you?

There are things that guys are built to do. And I have a wierd idea that cheering the negative flow is not one of our original functions.

P.S. I still appreciate your beautiful physical appearance. I just can't stand you as a whole.

I am not saying that the cry of public approval will decrease even if we successfully achieve this. I'm saying that should we achieve this, we will at least cry for something good. There is a saying that " Sometimes the worst thing that can happen to us is to get what we want". That is what happens when we want superficial stuff.

Continuously approving and emphasizing on things that holds little value if not producing negative effect - gives us a junk food appetite. It makes us full, for a while - then we are empty again. Slowly and surely, it slowly kills us. I am not surprised if we are all in one way or another walking down the path that the boy who committed suicide suffered from others.