Death Wish and a Note

Content is mildly mad, mildly offensive - to myself.

Early in the morning at about 7 am, I just woke up, my eyes remain closed - and the first thing that came to my mind was "Joel, even if you don't roll out of your bed now, start utilizing time and not waste it - lets start by thinking about important things in life"

And so, I started thinking of the upcoming Welcome Dinner by FOCUS (Fellowship of Overseas Christian University Students), inviting people to go to be introduced to it - and prayerfully coming with a desire to know the God of the Bible, would come to know God for eternity.

And so my mind raced through different aspects of evangelism, and I was thinking about myself dying one day. It seems that dying people can always play the "power cards" and have virtually everything they wish for - that in mind, may my power card be useful and may the reader discern that this 'power card' is indeed good medicine for the soul.

I wish that should I die one day suddenly - i.e. in my 20's or 30's of course hopefully till an old ripe age - but should I just die by tomorrow...

My wish is that the people who are close to me (my closer friends, my family) who are not yet Christians would come to simply read the Bible and find out who Jesus is, and perhaps trust in the God I call my Saviour.

My highschool friends - much of you I knew through Christian Fellowship, but you have departed far from the faith: Please do sit down once again and hear God speak through His Word. 5 years ago, we might be all "on fire" by concerts and motivational camps alike, but we have walked to a stage in life where we know our desire for ... WHOLENESS... is not an external source of hype. But this I assure you, in the quietness, even as the Bible is read, God's Word is heard. Please do read your Bibles again, it is God's Word, the Word that is all about Jesus, the Giver of Life, who is the Lord of the Universe - to which we owe our very existence to.

This is my wish, that as much as I love all of you from my heart (some of you have seen my days in highschool) - what I truly desire for you is not simply that I may see you in heaven, but that your souls might be filled with goodness and your lives might portray the glory of Jesus who is able to transform the most wicked soul.

To you my friends(some since primary school, some in high school, some in college and uni), every now and then I look through the photos you put in your facebook. I love you - and your photos tell me a lot about what goes on in your life - though you may not know, I appreciate that little contact that I think I have, but what saddens the heart is when I know my friends have departed from the God they once called Lover while there are some who stay in the faith have soaked themselves in a church that spends more time eating and playing music compared to reading the Bible, praying, and sharing the Gospel all combined together.

My wish, if you will care to fulfill - is something I will never see in this life. I would not know it if nobody fulfills it, but I hope in the moment of my death: not only I will look forward to seeing God face to face, but that my heart will be happy to know that somebody will read the Bible and know God as a result of my death.

Honestly, I have many plans for the future. The fact that I plan for my death is a testament - but as I grow up and as I see the harsh realities in life through the lens of the Bible, I know I am not bullet proof, neither am I germ/bacteria proof. I have plans for church, for country, and for the world - and I am all out to see it come to pass - i hope you would rejoice if you see my day coming, but if that day does not come, nobody really needs to know the details of the dream, for my dream is summed up in my death wish.

I am now reaching the prime of my life, within a year or two - I think I would have reached the maximum potential - from then on, the later parts of my life will build on what I have already built within these few years. If I lose - I have all to lose, but really I have nothing to lose. There are moments in time when I browse through my life and see the worthless things I have done - the fleeting moments of youthful ignorance, I now know this - what better use is there for my life than to spend it for the gospel's sake? I have heaven's joys to gain and all the world to lose.

Being 20 now, when virtually everything is accessible to me - the world has too little to offer. The glitters of this world has reached a point - something like eating too mcuh cheesecake, so much and too much of it. I invite you into my life - not so much mine, but this life I share with Jesus... and the truly good and fulfilling life is yours - so much good that (though I have not faced much yet), I will know - what are persecutions? what are rejections? Is not the narrow path that leads to salvation filled with such troubles?

But broad is the highway that leads to death, and many go through it. But narrow is the path that leads to salvation - few find it. Its an uphill slope, and knew what uphill slope meant along with a cross to carry.

What note do I have left? For some of you Christians, my brothers, who are feeling dry in church, find good materials to help you read the Bible. Much has been destroyed by various institutions who substitute the Word of God for fanciful teachings that seeks to convert men through parties - but the Word of God holds true and is not undermined by human inventions. Even Jesus finds some measure of strength within God's Words in times of temptation, in times of battle, in time(s) of death.

The merry world is fun but for a moment, and many indulge in it their whole lives. But when the show is over, the curtain is closed - and God the Director of the whole show walks up the stage... Everything is over. The show is over. Who then is it that I choose to please on the stage?

Up till now, I still have not spoken anything substantial about any teaching in God's Word - the reason is that I know my time is short... compared to 2000 years of church history where we read of Christians pouring their lives for the Gospel. The center of it all is the Gospel, and within the Gospel is where God's people place their mind, their hearts and lives... They! They have written much, all deriving from eternal truths within the Bible, read their words in light of God's Word and much teaching, precious teaching there is!

When I die (should I attain much achievements personally, let me never be remembered as a wonderful student, nor a brilliant teen, nor a curious person, neither wise nor good - for in the darkness, God knows what lurks within - He who sanctifies me cleanses not a clean thing, but a dirty one )... but let my grave and my tombstone be a signpost the points to God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth - to Jesus Christ, God who loves me and gives Himself up for me.

Puberty

It porbably sounds a little off to put the title that way because I'm used to associate the word with growing up in biological terms - like getting to a certain age. But this time, I'm talking about growing up in my thoughts, maturing to arrange priorities in life, etc.

Coming back from Mid Year Conference, a few things I am considering more serioiusly.

Learning what it means to worship God - has given me much more framework to consider one big question...

Joel...

What will I do with God's life?

For the 5 days, the question becomes more and more serious as I realize that my life here is temporal, it is technically wrong to say "my life" - it should be more like... God's life that He gave me to steward.

I have been thinking about becoming a pastor some day - and preach the gospel for the rest of my life - as the glitters of this world dims.

Tears have been shed, as I see how trying to run my life my own way has caused much destruction wherever I go. I no longer have the leisure of time, though I catch myself squandering this thing that money cannot buy.

I pray, as God transforms my mind and corrects my priorities - I will no longer regard a selfish personal reputation a thing to be concerned with, and much of the concerns that I have ( which so often disguises itself as a noble intention ). But through the lens of a clear mind, the so called good motives I thought I had are really selfishness in its best form.

Now I am thinking -

I have slightly more than a year left in Australia, how will I utilize this time well to be equipped for God's work in the coming days?

How will change be brought to Malaysia?

How will I learn to regard God's work as the highest priority of all works?

I'm not so much stressed as to the things external to me, but more so that I will be faithful from now till then...


There is this funny shirt I used to see:

Lead me not into temptation, I know the way already


Is a phrase that I hate to see manifest in my life - The battle within the heart. Some go around yelling against demons, but what can Satan do? Satan can hang Jesus on the cross, but he can't stop Jesus saving all mankind.

Be Thou my vision O Lord of my heart.

Review: The Dark Knight

I was actually expecting just a lot of explosions, a useless woman that Batman loves and has to save - which will ultimately be the climax of the story, but I think Christopher did a wonderful job in making that NOT the point of the story.

I think the story is actually an insult to the society, which the society can do nothing but admit.

This is revealed in the Joker's plans. The first was when Joker visits Harvey Dent and said something like (paraphrased) "The people get frantic when their puny plans are interrupted".

In the ferry explosion story, the Joker did not intend to bomb the ferries - but he was confident that humans are selfish in nature that they will blow themselves up anyway. Of course, there was a good guy at the ship which threw the remote control out of the ship - doing the right thing. But we saw a tension between doing what is fair and what is sacrificially good.

Joker was trying to point out that humans, even the best of them (Harvey Dent) will turn wicked and mad given the proper pressure and circumstances. In this, the Joker got it right. The best did turn evil.

Another insult to the society is that the society cannot handle truth. Harvey was the wicked guy, and Batman was the good guy - but in the scene where son asked the inspector why Batman has to run(escape the police), he said Batman has to run... because the police had to chase.

See, the issue was - in the last scene, either Harvey Dent was the bad guy or that Batman was the bad guy. The truth is that the real saviour is batman, but the society hates batman. Harvey Dent was the symbol of hope and goodness for the society, but Harvey couldn't really help the society - so for the greater good (with the ignorance of the society in the picture) Batman had to be the bad guy, and Harvey must be the good guy - even though he turned wicked.

The movie also ends with the idea that Batman must be the dark knight, he has to get his hands dirty and play the bad guy role in order to be the good guy - because of the ignorance of the society.

If we took moral classes in college, we would know that there is a difference between the consequentialists and non-consequentialist theories. The non-consequencialist (like Divine Command theory) is critisized somewhat in this show - saying that Batman cannot do the right thing, because doing the right thing will tear the society apart. Batman had to lie in that sense, to save the society. A somewhat twisted version of Robin Hood.

There are quite a few contrasts here in the show. The first is Harvey Dent versus the people in the ferry. Harvey Dent turned wicked under desperate conditions, but the ferry people, though they inclined to do the selfish thing, yet under desperate conditions they chose the right thing, to sacrifice their rights.... but instead by sacrificing themselves, they saved both the ships.

Another contrast is Morgan Freeman and Batman. Morgan knew certain things that were unethical, and he said he would only help Batman once, and then he would quit the job - he faced the pressure, yet he to some extent bought the consequentialist idea to some extent.

Though Batman actually asked Morgan to do the illegal thing (installing the sonar detector into everyone's phone), yet when he was in his bike and he tripped the truck that Joker was in, he did not choose to kill Joker, but did things the lawful way and allowed the inspector to arrest the Joker.

But another insult to the law is this - it was within Joker's plan that he ought to go to prison to fulfill his greater plan of threatening the whole society. On one hand, it might show some intelligence on the Joker's part, but on the other hand, it is also trying to say that our so called organized institutions are full of flaws.

Yet, one starking truth that we ought to know is this: Being the good guy is always harder. Good guys have to play by the rules, bad guys can do anything. Yet in such a deficient society, it is always the more sacrificial and counter-intuitive thing to do the right thing.

The conslusion I think from the movie is a heavy consequentialist theme - it is that we cannot really do good in a bad society; to some extent that is true, but that is not the ultimate solution for earth. The Bible records that God will one day come in Judgement and He will righteously and justly render to each person their work, no partiality and fairly.

A thing to be careful about

I spent quite a fair amount of time today just watching youtube clips on magic tricks.

I saw some professional magicians, I saw some amateur kids doing tricks. It was pretty amazing, ingenious how the come up with the tricks. As an engineering student, I tried hard to trace where the card went, where he hid the pigeon, how come the coin went into that closed bottle!

Yet, in all this, the videos remind me of a professional magician(Anslem Roy) I knew, some golden words I remember...

When we do magic, we are NOT trying to say
"Hey! look! I'm gonna prove you stooopid!"
"Now you see! Now you don't! I bet you couldn't catch that! Stooooopid!"

Then he went on to comment on how David Blaine spoiled the image of magicians. Anslem said magicians are performers and entertainers - it is a professional and honourable job, like a clown. It is the clowns job to make people happy, a profession like being a teacher, a lawyer, a doctor, a politician.

This whole lesson made me think about the principle of "Don't be a smart alec". Be humble and do a good job and serve for the good of others.

I have a tutor in university who comes in to class with an attitude - Myself ( and I think many others ) get the feeling that he is trying to show us how smart he is by writing down formulas quickly, telling us that we ought to know all the "first year stuff" already, doing many things the harder way to tell us how fantastic math is while critisizing the standard of math we are learning... while we are still struggling under the load.

I have seen speakers, teachers, magicians, and even pastors doing these sort of things.

I... have done these sort of things.

The truth is this - I am not impressed by that math tutor at all. It is a childish thing to think people are actually impressed. Well, sometimes we succeed at impressing people of low self esteem, just to make them feel smaller and weaker. The idiotic thing is that sometimes I actually feel glorified in the midst of the falling off of my lower self esteemed friends.

On the other hand, this feeling of glory reveals the sad state of a worthless dignity. Who on earth is dignified - not because they are truly winners, but because they are losers who found really lousy losers? There is just this feeling in me when I do such things -

"Joel, you are doing great, you are above the mean, you are above average - you know that you are really quite lousy, but ITS OKAY! the mean value is pathetic! Take comfort in that!"




After all have been said, I think that to think in such a way is really not constructive at all. What more, it is definitely not humble, it is a load of puffed up vain imaginations.

As I write this, though some sense of irritation burns within me, but I hope that you trust that I love you:

To the girls out there:

Just as much as the speaker, teacher, etc job is one of the many "performance based job"... I suppose that I learn from some of my girl friends that looking pretty is also a very time consuming job. But I do have some friends that try hard to be pretty and always feel that they are not pretty enough. Do you know that in perservering in your twisted principles (which I ought to repent of), you are really destroying their lives?

Of course, I'd be too sexist to just mention girls. It is the principle of the whole matter. And as humans, I bet we all face this problem. The thought that we are such lowly beings... should really humble us - whether or not we can change into better persons or not.

A note before Joel goes off:

Joel - fear God and fear nothing else. Respect God above all. If you continue on in your "seeking approval of men more than the approval of God", you will be moulded into a lifeless blob that patterns your life to the insecurities of this world - you will lose your dream spouse, dream family, dream ministry, dream character... you will lose your life. You are called to be a Christian, don't sink below a rational hedonist.

Jesus friends

Love one another. As I have loved you, you must love one another. - John 13:34

You are my friends if you do what I command - John 15:14

If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. - John 15:19



Its hard to try to be Jesus friend, and be the world's friend.

Jesus tells his friends that they have to love one another just as He has loved them - because if they remained Jesus friend, the world would hate them.

It is hard to live without love, if even Jesus' friends do not love one another, who then will love them?

Sometimes, I want friendship so bad, so bad that I learn that being somewhere in between is really being nowhere.

I'm not sure if it is somewhat right to blame Christians that we don't love one another. But I'm sure that I am not excused even if I were right to blame. Then again, how to live without friendship, even if I know what is right and what is wrong?

Is this what is also meant by "The righteous shall live by faith"?

Persevering through some known facts even though without the feeling of the love.

Shallowness

Its hard to speak against shallowness.

If you are speaking too "deep" audiences, there is no point in telling them the shallowness of those who are ignorant.

If you are speaking to a "shallow" audience, they would have to understand deep things to know what you are really meaning by being shallow.

Then you have to take into account that your idea of deep vs. shallow has an absolute basis, and not simply "a matter of perspective" - since the saying goes, one mans trash is another man's treasure... perhaps what you think is deep is only really a shallow thing.

For example perhaps to an engineering student, one might think that a certain set of analytical skill is really 'common sense' - but it isn't common sense to an arts student, not so much because they are stupid, but because they see things in a different way. In the same way, we might not be always right in thinking others as ignorant people.

Having said that, I am not dismissing that there is such a thing as being shallow and being deep since as much as there are many things in life that is just a matter of perspective - there is also loads of things which are not just a matter of perspective.

Having said all these, I think - at this point of time - should we want to educate another person because we think of them as shallow - is not so much to introduce the deep content that we cannot wait to share. As much as this is important, I think that we ought to provide the perspective of things we are looking at first, i.e. the context also. If we cannot convince the other person that the context or perspective is a worthy one, then we would not do well in talking about the content since they are not interested in the matter at all.

Convince the context first, then the contents will be meaningful