The ridiculous balance

Work has been taking too much of my time, bust since I'm on MC, i've got a little to spare.

In life, consciously and subconsciouly lots of people seek a balance in life:

The right proportion for work or studies,
The just right amount of time you spend with friends
The right amout to distribute to your hobbies
The right amount for this and that

Hopefully, after spending their time, finances, and affections in some near-right proportion, they will stumble upon the recipe for success and happiness. While some do it consciously - especially those who lack time, most people do it subconsciously.

In search for the divine balance where the good life is hidden

Much more could be say about the good life - the good good eternal life that is full of joy, goodness, and a whole new taste for uprightness and be able to live in such a world...

Much more could be said about that, but what I want to point out here is just that:
"If you are a normal human being like me, you probably won't get the divine balance"

Most of the time, people don't expect to reach the best brew for life. They just hope to "aim for the moon, and even if you miss, you will land among the stars" sort of thing. While that might sound like a good way to think about life - at least experience tell you otherwise.

There have been too many so-called "successful" people in the corporate world who try to juggle severything. The classic example is super-mom. High up in the corporate world and trying to care for her 2 children and at the same time having tea parties to attend to.

The thing is this: super-mom model Angelina Jolie herself is not juggling it well. She has more fame, more kids, and more many things. Now, some of you might think, if I had half of her kids, half of her money, and half of her causes to fight for, then I should be able to juggle it well.

This might need more convincing, but that while limited resources is an issue, diverse affections is probably the main reason this can't be done. People want to be passionate about things, and the more important you get in the eyes of the world (and of yourself), the more significant you want your role to be in the life and activity of many things. However, as an average human being ( and for argument's sake lets assume you are as good as Angelina), you still can't balance everything out.

What I am trying to get here is that the thinking of "divine balance" is not the best way to proceed in life. There are too many unknowns. What you know is that you are searching for this thing called "happiness", and you would understand happiness to be a combination of different things in particular proportions in life.

A much better way to organise life is to think in terms of priorities.
If you have been around the web long enough reading forwarded emails, then you probably heard of the professor who took a big glass jar into class. He then filled it up with big stones, then smaller ones, then pebbles, and then finally sand. He then explained that our life is like the empty jar, we can't fill everything in, but let us make sure the big things in life are in first, then the lesser ones. It is alright if not all the sand that you have (menial things) gets in to the jug, you have tried your best, and at least the big things are in already.

I'm aware that actually many people think in terms of priorities instead of a chasing of the divine balance. the problem of chasing for the divine balance is the rich man's problem. It is always the rich man's problem.

When you start getting successful and rich, you start to think that you have a bigger jar in life. Since you have a bigger jar, you might just be able to fit almost everything in that jar - so you think that you are the group of people (consciously or subconsciously) who can play the game of life by a different set of rules. You think you have risen above the average and you pat yourself on the back for being so smart for so long - and suddenly on your deathbed (hopefully earlier than that) you realize that you have been an idiot for the past few decades.

There are other reasons that contribute to this stupidity too. If you do get there, you might one day think "I have put all my big stones in the jar first, and followed the whole big to small principle, but my life is still so miserable". Good - you have reached a dead end. Many people don't get there, instead, they just get trapped at either divine balance or mere priority principle.

The most obvious ones are to think that the big stones are work and significance in life.when that becomes the big stones, the things that ought not to be big stones have taken the place of them and your jar has now 50% less space which should take much less space.

Motivational seminars normally just tell you up to the point of: Write down the "big stones" in your life according to you.

Nobody really tells you what the big stones ought to be. And the way people live is an epitome to the fact that work and fame is the biggest stone in life. Now, you might disagree with my evaluation of society's biggest stones - but it does remain that these 2 plays a big big role.

1. What you could work out from here is to find out "what are the REAL biggest stones?"

2. Work out the method by which you will find that out - trial and error? most people spend a lifetime to work these things out, and most don't get there finally. Or at least, on their deathbed, they replace "work" with "family", then they die after 4 months of realizing that - which is still an unproven theory in their mind.

3. If you fancy this, then work out the various expressions people have in trying to go with the priority principle method to life, or divine balance, or a mix of both, or work out other alternatives in which people try to organise their lives. What is the underlying worldview or philosophy that is cuasing them to live like that. Is it hedonism, or is it something else?

500 days of summer, catfeeding, Buddhism, Ethics, Glory, Sarcasm

I just watched 500 days of summer
And I am not surprised that I understood what was happening all along, and why certain words were said. And I remember that it is a good thing that our parents don't always give us what we want. If they did, and when we learn some sense as we grow up, we would have despised those actions.
And most of all, our Heavenly Father that knows better than us who gives us what is good for us even when we are all a little like Summer. May God help us "wake up one morning" and "be sure" of the thing that... the world didn't and couldn't give us.

I also have been hearing "good reports" from fellow catfeeders
I am in charge of 2 relatively friendly cats on campus. I get to pat Poppy, but Coco is too shy for me to touch her. I used to be unable to understand why people actually like cats - dogs are a million times friendlier. Cats are like hot girls. They don't give you a rip. Cute dogs are like hot girls that actually care about you. Those high-class cats' affection are hard to earn, and they are pretty loyal. Some catfeeders finally got the chance to pat the cats they feed after about a year of feeding. It was joy for them. So i guess, somethings are not about possessing, but rather earning it.
Reminds me, Jesus is God, divine and worshipped all along - afterall, He is the Creator and has a right to everything. But I like to know the fact that Jesus earned His name. " And He humbled Himself, to the point of death on a cross, therefore God gave Him the name that is above all names, that at His name every knee shall bow"

Attended the Bodhi Night
I left early, but got the chance to hear the sermon by the nun on impermanence. The non-buddhist phrase for that is "the only constant in the world is change". Mainly about how change is inevitable in the universe, we ought not to hold a grudge against a universal law, much like we shouldn't be hating gravity, it is stupid and absurd. Rather, since we know that incidents happen due to a collection of causes and circumstances, we ought to recreate those circumstances and conditions and reap the harvest of success of it. Don't fret that things don't turn out our way, it is just that the causes and conditions have changed - do some reverse engineering, and recreate your future. Don't get too attached to the present, it will change! continuously work for the future and havest the fruit of the past. That is the gist of what I got, might not be everything, but I have been given better promises than this.
This whole cycle that I live through - to sin, repent, receive forgiveness from God, and repeat - looks like it will never change. Like a universal law "to err is human". Birth, life, death and decay is a constant cycle in life. But Buddhists, studying the world as a closed system, do not know that this constant cycle will very soon be changed. In fact, the change has begun, it will build up momentumn and thunder through eternity. Jesus will come just as He has come once, He will put an end to what we have been living with thousands of years. The history of human sinfulness, the effects of it will be changed, and it has already started. The data that Buddha worked with, how he saw the sufferings of this world, the cycle which this world goes through - a sight which set him on the path to Enlightenment... yes, those data will very soon be irrelevant. In fact, He never saw through the temporal world, not because he was stupid, but because he never knew that the world was NEVER a closed system. The Creator has His eye on it, and has entered it to save all humanity, and change history forever. Too bad the Enlightened One never lived to see that day.

Did studies on Ethics
Been taking this subject called Ethics and Leadership in uni. It is not surprising that the whole course is about exercising your brain cells to understand morality - but somehow it goes just about there. After all, it is written in the course outline (paraphrased) "This course is not suppsed to make you more ethical, it is about how to think ethically". This is somethings I hate about modern philosophy and all the spiritual guru stuff - it is like the lazy employee - always seem to be working hard, but nothing much ever comes out of it besides some mish mash that leave people where they started off.
But the goals are pretty realistic. If a subject in uni could have cured the human problem of wickedness, I'd be a lecturer. It was at first crazy to think that some human problem required God to die, thousand year old prophecy to be fulfilled, and expectancy of a Saviour coming in the future. But looking at the lame attempts by humans, it isn't that crazy afterall. This whole talk about humans needing God to change our wicked heart(not improve it, but change), about how it would take "God to live in us" to possibly reverse the madness and depth of our error, this whole talk about we being insufficient to be self-saviours but needing external help... yeah, those things that Christians talk about sounds like a better solution than a "Yes we can". Well, that fella is trying hard to be a good president, I applaud him for that, but somethings are just out of his control. It must be a hard lesson to learn that America isn't capable of miracles.

Leart about achievement and glory
I remember singing "history maker" kind of Christian songs when I was in high school. Its about how we are so inspired by great people in the past who did great work in Chrstianity, how we could be like them if we worked hard enough, trusted God enough, and whatever -enoughed. It was about "achieving great things for God", glory was something we earned to give God. You know? Do well in your studies "by God's strength", and then when people ask, somehow credit it to God and say that He was the main force behind it. I kinda got that idea during my formative years as a young Christian.
But then when I read that glorifying God essentially means growing to be Christlike, I was thinking "Surely I can't be hearing bullshit all along about glorifying God being being a superstar Christian?" Well, I didn't hear just nonsense, but just that I was misguided by sincere people with good intentions. And sometimes, I think good intentions did more harm in history than plain wickedness. I don't know. Maybe someday we will have a Facebook quiz for that. Facebook has quizzes for everything, from "when I will die" to "who I will marry" to how many "%" lucky I am today. I thought people who accessed the internet were smarter than that, but apparently internet is so accessible anybody could use it.
I remember reading verses like "God will look on that successful man who glorifies Him most by being the famous preacher/musician who everybody adores", or was it "Here is who I will look at - one who has a broken and contrite spirit, one that trembles at My Word". I don't know, probably the first one, they seem to say that a lot in many popular churches, sounds like something everybody loves to hear, like good reports from the government about how the whole country is in fact very united with only very few unwanted dissenters. But well, I'm learning that faithfulness in small things trumps those big achievements. Surely God is worth my limelight glorious moments, but He is worth more than that, He is worth every single breath of my inglorious moments - for in my weakness God's sufficiency is made all the more obvious.

Sarcasm
I have friends who are so innocent in some ways that they don't realize when I am being sacarstic. I admire that. And to some extent, I wished I were a little more like them, instead of having ideas and images that shout violence, hatred and lust shouting through my mind. Ignorance is bliss, sometimes. I love those people, they have a privilege that few people have. Some of us understand jealousy perfectly well, because we are people who get jealous often. They are the ones who don't get jealous much, because they don't see what is there to be jealous about. Jealousy is a foreign concept. Sounds good not to know too much bad stuff eh?
But back to sarcasm, some people just don't use their brain enough to know the difference.
That is how I used to think a lot. Until God revealed to me the laziness and the wicked thoughts that I am capable of having. It puts things in perspective, it isn;t always about how much you know... but in God's eyes, how much you do about what you know. Often, we don;t do much about what we know, we don't do what we ought to, no matter how virtuous and loving it may be. Which brings us back to the same level - all common sinners who desperately need forgiveness, or else we would do justice to send each other to hell.

Jehovah's Witness, Moron-ism, and Tom Cruise

Finally, some disillusioned slaves knock on my door this morning! The last time they were Westerners (although not quite handsome), this time they are Japanese!

About 5 years ago, 2 Mormons pressed the bell and wanted to share Jesus with me. I got them in, and got my first copy of a Mormon Bible.

Just in case some of us do not know what Mormons (and Jehovah Witnesses) are, mainstream Christianity consider them cults. They use a different Bible than us, they believe different things, whatever team they are in, they are not in the "Christian" team. But of course, they would deny that - and the idiocy fuels the argument. It is true, I think Einstein or Edison said this :

"There are limits for a genius, but stupidity knows no bounds!"

You will get what I mean when you actually read their books. I should have kept it and read the Mormon Bible and find out what other jokes they believe in. I mean, come on!

What kind of religion has an angel called "MORONI"?

and here is another one, "Jesus was Satan's brother"

or this is real classical one, " Jesus went to America after He resurrected in the Middle East! there He told us the TRUTH!"

I am like - What? Is this serious? People actually believe that?

I mean, I thought America was already privileged with UFOs and superheros, it seems that meteors always ONLY strike America and America gets to save the world... but now even Jesus goes there.

What about Malaysia? What do we have? Orang Minyak and Toyol and ISA?

The founder of Mormonism - Joseph Smith is considered a martyr because he died in a gun fight. I thought Atheism was already absurd, but these people has taken it to new heights.

And Jehovah's Witnesses - you wonder if they went to school. They get the Bible, start editing parts they don't like - recreate a new Bible, and then use it to argue with you. Then when you come to a point in which they feel disadvantaged, they say:

"IT IS A METAPHOR!"

Then when they get to a point they have an advantage,

"THIS IS TRUTH!"

But if I just told them to read the whole sentence where they take their word from, they go

"The first part I said about was REALITY, the other (same word you chose at the second half of the sentence) was a METAPHOR"

Althought I dont have Scientologists knocking my doors, but who would have ever imagined that humans are biological blobs possessed with spirit prisoners from the planet of Xenu about 75 million years ago? i'm not even making this up! Go google it up.

Without Sci-fi writers who start religions and celebrities like Tom Cruise to believe them, life would be so meaningless!

It all just brings to mind how God mocks idol worshipers in the book of Isaiah, Isaiah 44:12-18

12 The blacksmith takes a tool
and works with it in the coals;
he shapes an idol with hammers,
he forges it with the might of his arm.
He gets hungry and loses his strength;
he drinks no water and grows faint.

13 The carpenter measures with a line
and makes an outline with a marker;
he roughs it out with chisels
and marks it with compasses.
He shapes it in the form of man,
of man in all his glory,
that it may dwell in a shrine.

14 He cut down cedars,
or perhaps took a cypress or oak.
He let it grow among the trees of the forest,
or planted a pine, and the rain made it grow.

15 It is man's fuel for burning;
some of it he takes and warms himself,
he kindles a fire and bakes bread.
But he also fashions a god and worships it;
he makes an idol and bows down to it.

16 Half of the wood he burns in the fire;
over it he prepares his meal,
he roasts his meat and eats his fill.
He also warms himself and says,
"Ah! I am warm; I see the fire."

17 From the rest he makes a god, his idol;
he bows down to it and worships.
He prays to it and says,
"Save me; you are my god."

18 They know nothing, they understand nothing;
their eyes are plastered over so they cannot see,
and their minds closed so they cannot understand.

It takes a genius to figure out which half was firewood and which half was God

=__=

A Blessing Undisguised

As usual, when I arrive at work, I'll just take out the laptop, and greet some people.

[Joel] says: (9:23:19 AM)

good morning :D

-*rachierach*- says: (9:23:46 AM)

hi :)

-*rachierach*- says: (9:23:54 AM)

how you doing today?

[Joel] says: (9:24:16 AM)

today looks pretty bright

[Joel] says: (9:24:18 AM)

:D

[Joel] says: (9:24:26 AM)

i have things lined up

[Joel] says: (9:24:56 AM)

haha, i just hope that unpleasant things won't suddenly just pop up and spoil it:P

-*rachierach*- says: (9:25:47 AM)

that sounds good :)

-*rachierach*- says: (9:26:14 AM)

and if things do pop up we know it would definitely e with reason so its all cool

-*rachierach*- says: (9:26:16 AM)

:)

-*rachierach*- says: (9:26:41 AM)

of course its easy to say and totally another thing to do

I had the rest of my week planned out. I'm pretty excited to be able to meet some old friends, catch up - and find time to discuss and learn about the Bible. I've been wanting to share with friends and family the things I have learnt about the Bible for quite some time.

And so, my planner is now filled up. Can't think of anything better to do. So Thursday had come, and I am supposed to be having dinner with James and talk about some Bible matters. Having plans to look ahead to, I told Rachel that I'm anticipating the day, hoping that no funny things happen to spoil everything.

And so 6 p.m. came, I walked to my car.

*Click*

(Hmm, why isn't the car unlocked..)

*Click* ....*Click Click Click*.....

*Click* x1000

"Shit!"

(Call Mark, call Mark, calm down, call Mark.....)

Joel: "Eh abang, I click the remote control right... the car door not unlocking. So how ah?"

Mark: "Oh, your car battery dead edi..."

(Its good to have some genius friends. You tell them a little bit, they know what is going on)

Here is what happened(which is the only possible thing that happened in my opinion): 

It was raining sometime in the afternoon, and there was lightning. The thunder was so loud that it set the car alarm off. Me being in the office and pretty far away from my car, didn't hear a thing - until the alarm drained off my battery. 

So, I asked my colleagues to help me jump start the car. Only to realize that without opening the car door, I cannot open the bonnet, and I cannot jump start the car. The problem is this: the keys that I was holding was supposed to unlock the car electronically, and ignite the engine - it couldn't open the car door mechanically. Where were the keys to open the car door?

Well, genius me left it in the car. I never thought I would ever need to use it. Truth be told, I didn't know what the keys were actually for! My dad passed me the remote control along with the set of keys, I just separated them and took the remote control (which has the engine ignition key) It never came across my mind that when the battery goes flat, I would need them.

This meant that I had to go home to take another set of car keys to open the car. And I had to take a KTM from Serdang to Subang Jaya. It was a long long distance. I had to SMS James and told him I couldn't make it today. As I was arranging, I learnt that if I had dinner with him tonight, the meeting could only last a maximum of 90 minutes (which is really short) as he has some errands to do. So I postponed it till Saturday morning, which meant that I would have more time. 2 hours or more I think!

On the way back from KTM, my brother told me that there isn't "another set of car keys" at home. In simple words, my car is totally locked and there is no key to open it. The only thing I could think of is:

a) Break the car glass

b) get a lock smith all the way to Cyberjaya ( convince him it is my car, and help me steal my car)

Both would cost me quite a lot of money. In my mind I was thinking "Oh shit", this is going bad. But I was also remembering the conversation with Rachel in the morning. I convinced myself that this is just to convenient to be an accident - the same morning I said it, it happened. This is the first time in my 3 years of driving experience that I'm encountering it - it is just to convenient for a bad story.

As I was sitting down in the train, I was thinking to myself... perhaps I could use my time wisely. Share the Gospel? Hmm, nah... I can't do follow up and I will leave the person worse than before. So I tried to talk with the person sitting next to me, but the conversation didn't go far. When I switched trains, I got an opportunity to talk to a girl called Nicole. And so I asked her about her work, where she lives, after knowing that she is also getting off the train at Subang Jaya. I got down her MSN, and I look forward to get to know her a little better, and perhaps I might just get the chance to tell her about the God I love.

Before the train arrived, I got a call from Mark. His plan is to help me steal my car, i.e. pick the car lock. Now, you have to know something about Mark. He just finished classes, drove back to Kota Kemuning from Nilai (about 1 hour drive), and he is willing to come to my place (Subang Jaya) to fetch me to Cyberjaya (30 minutes drive) to help me steal my car. You can't get friends like this I tell you.

So while being in his car on the way to Cyberjaya, we were talking about different things. And Mark was telling me that he was having a hard time living with his housemates. By the end of the conversation, I said:

"Eh Mark, after hearing your story right, I become a little less superficial already I think. Next time look for wife, really must marry a good wife ah - if not really suffer. I mean good in heart la. Good wife hard to find"

I'm serious. I'm quite happy that I have good housemates where I stay. mark is a patient guy and he is suffering after living 1 week with his housemates - sadly he is bonded to stay with them for 1 year. I was thinking in my mind, 1 week and it is like that, a life time is going to be hell!

Anyway, we went back to Cyberjaya, and I sat around like an idiot as I see him using some long ruler to try to open the car door, and jump start the car. As he was working with his hands, he was saying:

"Why am I helping a GUY at night ah? Why not a girl ah - haiyooo...."

It reminded me of the many times when I cross the road, I hope that some giant lorry will suddenly turn out of the corner and almost bang a girl.. and then I would dive over, save her and save myself - and she would be so touched. I have been hoping for that day for many years, it never came, and I think it won't. Here is Mark. He helped me with car issues twice, and computer issues also about twice. Too bad, I hope one day some girl's car breaks down and they will call Mark.

After about 15 minutes... *CHAK*

The door opened. In the middle of the night I was (almost yelling):

"Fuiyoh!!! Genius la you, damn canggih man. If I am a woman I will marry you lah! Really one, but I am not a woman lah"

After that, we went back to Subang for mamak, which was also quite good as we talked even more. In my mind I was thinking, "not a bad day at all!". After all, I got to extend the appointment duration with James, catch up with Mark, and get into contact with Nicole. Honestly, I feel very privileged to have more opportunities. I don't want to lock myself out of the car again, but I do hope that more things like that will happen. 

Office Times

26th December 

A day after I went fix the roof as some roof tiles somehow were not in place, and it leaked when it rains.

Fikri  : "Eh Jo, s'malam Christmas buat ape?"

Joel   : "Tak buat ape ape lah, tolong bapa baiki bumbung..."

Fikri  : "apasal baiki bumbung tibe-tibe, Santa Claus datang ke..."

Azry   : "Eh, Santa Claus tak datang rumah engkau ke?"

Fikri  : "Rumah ku takde terowong asap..."

Azry   : "Kan ade window, diorang boleh masuk kat tingkap sane la..."

Fikri  : "Oh boleh... Eh, tak 'leh, rumah ku ada grill. Nak masuk pun tak boleh jugak..."

Ah... its good to have colleagues like these, no? Anyway, click here for an article of how Saint Nicholas became Santa Claus, how people came to think that he enters the chimney, and how the holiday became a remembrance for Jesus' birth!

30th December

While my colleagues and I went down to the canteen for a drink, to find that our manager and 2 other senior engineers were also having a drink there...

Keh: "Eh, You orang ada pergi mana countdown ah? Dataran Merdeka? KLCC? I kasi tau you hor, tak payah pergi lah. Nak tengok fireworks, boleh tengok TV. Dataran Merdeka ada, KLCC ada"

Fikri: "haha... banyak channel jugak. ASTRO kan..."

after a few seconds...

Sheikh: "Kalau hujan macam mane?" (for those who have no idea, ASTRO doesn't work well when it rains due to an effect called rain fade which degrades the signal quality)

Keh: "Sana pun hujan ma.."

after a few seconds...

Keh: "Boleh pasang terrestrial antenna mah!" (this implies that we can receive the signal at least from the non-ASTRO channels)

Azlan: "Dah tak tengok(TV1, 2,3,8,9) lah. Lepas pasang ASTRO, mana ada tengok"

I think it is quite an "engineer thing" to take things that technical... and take supposedly-jokes that seriously. Oh well, its good fun to have colleagues like these.

Not in Vain

It has been 5 weeks since I landed in Malaysia. I landed in Malaysia with big ideas of wanting to bring the newfound theology I learnt from the Bible back to church.

I was thinking that perhaps, by sending books and audio sermons, and presenting the "different Joel" to the church leadership, they might just be persuaded. I thought that to persuade them to read the Bible for what it is was simple: to go through verse by verse, to read the passage in context was a very appealing thing to do.

Well, it wasn't. I now know again what it is like to have ideas just being patronized. Email replies that were just send to acknowledge you - saying "Yes, I received your email or your opinion". To some extent, I expected that - but I'm in for some good surprise.

Most of the "higher position" people in church would continue of with their agenda... but there are personal friends in church, not exactly my superior in church leadership - they became interested in what I wanted to say!

But before going into that, lets start with home!

I have been sharing difficulties I encountered in sermons with my mother, and we discussed them with the Bible open. Then I prepared a quarter of my Christmas talk with my mother, and teaching her how to understand the Bible in context and make sense out of different verses at the same time. I got her some good Christian books and she is reading them - and as time passes, she is learning how to read the Bible for herself instead of just having to rely on a preacher on the stage to tell her what the Bible means. She is more and more convinced, and she is supportive of what I'm supportive now. Having said that, every time I talk with her, I wanted her to know that she didn't have to take my word as truth, but that she could find the truth in the Bible - and she did and continues to do so!

Besides my mom, it is my colleagues. After knowing that I'm a Christian, they asked me different things about the Bible (we did not steal time from the company to discuss these things, just in case you are wondering if I am talking about Bible things when I actually should be working - the answer is no, I did it after work was completed). 

How could it be authentic? Isn't the Quran more reliable? How could God be "Father, Son and Holy Spirit" but still be one God? Why can't Jesus just be a man? What about Prophet Muhammad?

And from simply having to reply questions, I got to explain different things about Christianity even clearer, and in the process, explain who Jesus is, and why we ought to become Christians.

Besides colleagues, I also got to share with church friends. Pointing out different areas of doubt about the sermons, highlighting different parts where the Bible was taken out of context to just support an argument of theirs - I got the opportunity to explain about how the whole Old Testament of the Bible is actually about Jesus. How good and proper understanding of the Bible will lead to good interpretation - and how all these motivates us to truly love and fear God. My friend is interested to know more, and I am happy - because it is not easy to find people who love God's Word more than their pastor!

Then besides my colleagues, there are Nepali security guards, I know that there are some Nepali Bibles around, perhaps I could get my hands on some of them and give them to the security guards. And perhaps if they have difficulty reading it, I could arrive early for work to explain to them! I haven't done it yet, but it looks possible.

Besides the security guard, now I'm trying to get to the music leader in church. Sometimes I just find that the Christian songs we sing are so void of meaning. Only filled with words like "i praise you Lord, I love You, I worship You, I give You my life", otherwise, it is meaningless. Therefore, I'm recommending songs that have more content, that would help us reflect on more Christian things - the cross, Jesus, God's Word, etc... as we sing. I hope we will sing new songs, that would be helpful in helping us understand God better.

As if these were not enough, I'm happy to see some friends who have came back from Australia, seeking to do Christian Work in Malaysia. It is such a joy to see them, to hear the reports of their labours, and of God's faithfulness in providing them with opportunities to share the Bible - and then also to discuss with them how to rejuvenate Malaysian churches.

It was really discouraging before this, but God has given me the opportunity to see that these labours are not in vain. I know some Christian friends who are trying to do the same thing, but they have yet to see the fruits of their labour - 

I ask these friends not to give up. We sow the seeds everywhere, and God will choose to grow whichever that He desires. Whether the fruit bears in our garden, or in another brother's garden, we rejoice. Talk for me now is easy, because I see fruits. But I'm pretty sure it will not be long that I will be discouraged in many ways, but it is all worth giving thanks for. 

Thinking back (I think I said this elsewhere before), out of 10 Christians I know back in high school, only 2 are still Christians. They were the CF president, they were the little teachers, they were... and they WERE. It is sad and discouraging. But we still move on sharing the Gospel, because God still have lost children out there - just waiting to be found.

Worries and Spending Money

After sleepless nights worrying about sitting for the exam itself, I no longer worry about them anymore - since they are over. Just before I shout Yippee!!! too fast - one of the things that wake me up (before the exams were over) is a small little voice at the back of my head...

"Joel, do you think they will moderate the marks for your Mathematics and Control Systems paper?"

"Do you think if you did well for your Electronics paper, the marks will compensate for those you loss in the earlier papers?"

Now that exams are over, I can't shout Yippee!!! either, because now another subject wakes me up...

"Joel, do you think your Mobile and Satellite Communications paper will make up for the marks you lost?" - "You really did make tons of careless mistakes!"

This little voices that wakes me up drives me crazy. Yet, deep within my heart, I didn't want such things to make me go crazy. It feels as though I am placing too much emphasis on my studies - so much so that I am depraving myself of setting my priorities right in life. This is no good, I start taking things for granted - and forget to be happy about the things I ought to be very thankful for.

After reading the Bible, I learn that my goal in life is not to live a life that is "successful" as the world measures it. Neither should I continue thinking of God as one who supports my fanciful fantasies of fame, success, wealth, and whatever-nots. I remember sending my mother an sms right before my final exam. She replied very quickly saying things like -

"I claim the promises of God for you! That Jesus will help you through every battle! You will conquer them in Jesus name!"

Things along those lines. The "battles in life" that she was mentioning was an exam paper...

I realize that it must be difficult for her to come to terms with the Bible - that "battles in life" isn't about academic or career success. I find it difficult too. It revealed itself when I started neglecting God as the exams pile up. I pray so much more at the examination table than my whole week outside the exam hall summed up.

What has my life become? What has my aim in life become? What has my knowing of God become? Is "battles in life" reduced to simply an endless pursuit of my fancies? What then is the difference between me as a Christian and a non-Christian?

I know the answers as to what I ought to do. And making a U-turn in my heart, to realize my faults, to own it up, and to commit myself to a clear and rational mind that desires God above everything I hold dear to (my studies, my dream-future-wife, my reputation, my petty selfish fears)...

That journey that I am somewhat familiar with, is one of the longest journeys I have ever taken in my life. This is one battle in my life. One I have to fight. Talk about fighting for someone you love - I'm far from being as noble as that, I am fighting for my very own humanity.

Its not even fighting, its really owning up - and admit that I have been living careless, and to turn around. Some... Many people think I overreact/overrespond, but if we look at our lives carefully, we will always notice that the many pitfalls we get ourselves into always started with the first wrong step. Too few things in life happen suddenly. Yet somehow, when God opens our eyes to see our faults, we get surprised. I am an idiot for that, but thank God for helping me realise that.

So often, I see the mistakes that I make in others. So often, I want to warn them and correct them - desiring that they would not fall into the things I fall into... but I know my life fails to be a good testimony. But that is also good, then they know I am not trying to teach them as a teacher, but warning them as a brother.

Talking about brothers - I remember some pretty wise saying from my older brother - Noel Lee Chee Leong

He said
"You must learn how to spend money more than how to
earn money"

I asked
"Why?"

He replied
"If you can't find a good reason to spend your money, why would you want to earn any money?"

My brother loves me, and protects me - I thank God for him. More than that, I hope my brother will come to know Jesus.

I'm heading back to Malaysia in about a week. There are so many things I learnt here in FOCUS. I doubt 3 months in Malaysia would be anywhere near sufficient to share the many experiences trying to live a Christian life I had with my friends and family. So much to do, so little time.

To make up for that, I bought books. Books that I would speak of as "I readeth, therefore I am". They are books with the very ideas that make me who I am. Well written by fellow Christians, explaining the Bible clearly and accurately.

I bought more than 30 books.
Its crazy.
It costs crazy too.
But it is worth it.

There are those for my dad, some for my mom.
Some for my pastors, some for my friends in church.
A little more for my special friend not in church.

Being as self centered as I am, I'm pretty glad that God gives me some good desires.

What more can I desire for my dad to come to know Jesus?
I desire the same thing for my mother, my sister, and my brother.

I truly desire my pastor to preach the Bible well - so that many more may come to know the Wonderful Saviour of the world - Jesus my God and King. I desire for my Christian friends to know Jesus more, to give their whole lives to Jesus, and to run this race on earth well.

I desire that my friends who are not with Jesus, to find out about this Jesus that died for their sins, my sins and the sins of the world.

Its crazy for me speak in this way and to say out what the kind of "Christian" desires. I know my life doesn't match it. I would despise myself if I saw myself in some other body. But because I am myself, I don't quite despise myself that much. The longer I live, the more my eyes grieve as I see myself in my short comings.

When I thought I was less materialistic, when I thought I was more patient and loving - how much further can I be from the truth! It is despairing.

The good thing is that I know I don't have to be fatalistic about this - I have Jesus. The whole idea that Jesus will continue to do His work in my heart so that I will become more and more like him - its so simple, its almost something that my pride cannot take. But I better do.

I'm so glad that I can spend money buying Christian books, I'm even more glad that I can practice Christianity... Jesus-ianity... Yeah...

There is this little voice that crosses my head every now and then...

I may board the aeroplane, but God knows if it will crash,or there will be some terrorist, or whatever - and I may not land where I want to. Maybe I will land where I want to, but maybe in more than one piece. If that happens, I have wasted such a big chucnk of my life thinking of things I ought not to be thinking about, and wasting time as I ought not to be wasting - the books that I bought, I will never be able to read them. My family will cry... Maybe some friends.I.Hope.Maybe.Maybe not.

If there is any better time to take the U-turn, it must have been yesterday.

Randomness - 23rd October

Studying in library...eating sushi...

Joel: *notices avocado in sushi* Eh, avocado good for breasts...

Wesley: prevent breast cancer...

Joel : ya ya....

Mitchell: Eh, today, got some breast cancer people.. i mean...er... those who volunteer, sell me muffin... u got buy ah?

Joel: No ah...eh, I got 1 teacher, die because of breast cancer...

Mitchell: I have many friends who die...

Joel: wah, how many oh... Eh, not 1,2 teachers died...

Yuda: I got 2 auntie have breast cancer... 1 die edi, 1 more not yet die...

Joel, Mitchell, Wesley: .........

As The Final Exams Draw Near...

My hair gets messier. Gah! It is only one-inch long and it can get messy.

I start to read a few verses in the Bible once in a while... imagining that I will somehow get smarter after that.

Do push-ups evevery once in a while because my body somehow aches when I study. Headache, neck ache, back ache...

I feel lonely - I don't seem to get along well with the books.

I discover a lot of new things. I used to learn Normal distributions, exponential, Poisson distributions only. But today I realized there is such a thing called t-distribution and F-distribution... which I am supposed to know weeks ago.

Nobody seems to be online although there are so many people online.

Time seems to pass too quickly. Yet I seem to be wasting lots of them somehow - even though I thought that I studied for very long.

I want to Chor Dai Dee!!!

I lose hair since I keep pulling them off.

I dance.

I talk to myself.

I play with my stationery more often.

I laugh to myself.

I pretend I am a bird and start flapping my hands around the house... singing la la la la...

I imagine being some uber rich tycoon and has no need to study in university... and maybe take a nap...

GAH! NO.....

I remember deadlines, test dates, exam dates more than I remember holidays and birthdays.

I keep counting my test and assignment marks and think of the ridiculously high marks I need to obtain for my final exam to get Distinction.

....

I am suddenly reminded of the resistor I blew up in the Electronics lab today. I spent more than an hour to connect the whole circuit and put in all the right values of resistors... then 5 minutes into the lab...

POOF! Bright Light! Smoke! Whole 47000 ohm resistor burnt. 5 minutes into a 3 hour lab... and this is final evaluation for my lab class. GAHHHH!!!!!!!

I have spent an hour on this... typing and thinking of more tragedies and traumatic experiences.. I shall now resume studying for statistics test on monday... 5 marks... and then tomorrow got Control Systems Lab evaluation....10 marks....


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sin Shit

Today, while I was sitting on my throne... inspiration came to me.

What is sin like? Sin... in some ways is like shit. Although shit is actually in our bodies, but when we shit it out - we don't dare to touch it because it just feels super dirty. But hey! The shit actually came from our own bodies! How come is it disgusting when we can touch it on the outside but we don't feel that it is disgusting when it is on the inside...

We know that we are humans who are full of flaws, not only wicked - but at many times selfish and proud. I always amaze myself of how wicked my thoughts can be when I dislike a certain person. It amazes me the plans that I can imagine when I feel angry and want to take revenge. Aren't we to some extent like that too?

We are full of sin. But when we read the newspapers publishing murders - or when somebody else sin against us/gossip behind our backs/lie to us, it looks so horrible. Yet the truth is that we are infact full of such ugliness.

Ah... toilet moments (and bathing)... so refreshing.

Death

These few days, I have been thinking about death quite a bit. I think of little phrases I pick up from people -

"I'm half dead now"
"You have no life"
"I'm dead meat"

What do the phrases above tell us about the situation they are in?
Tired. Discomfort. Bored. Deep trouble. And other unpleasant states.

Yet I cannot help but think of the dead people I have met in my life. I have been to a couple of funerals in my life.

When I was a kid, my grandfather was cremated. Then my uncle. My family friend. Sophie. There are probably some others I do not remember.

I also seen people before their death - and almost the moment they die. Two church sisters. The same Sophie. My school teacher and a number of people that I have seen in the hospital which I will never remember. But those that I would remember more significant are 3. Sophie, my school teacher.

My school teacher taught me when I was 14. She had cancer when I was 16 and died when I was 17. I saw her when she was alive and well, encouraging me to study chinese when I literally hated the subject. And I saw how different she looked in the hospital. The scene of her quietly struggling under the burden of sickness was ugly. She never looked so ugly. Her friends, relatives and church people came to visit her every other day. Christians came and prayed for her recovery - and we continued praying until the day she died. One night about 12 a.m. when I was sleeping, I heard a beep on my phone. The SMS simply said that my teacher had gone home to The Lord.

The other little girl is called Sophie. I saw her still laughing and undergoing some blood transplant (whatever it is called) and everything was going great. She was smiling, she was telling jokes, she was looking so happy. During Christmas, my friend and I bought her a gift. She looked sickly and I didn't quite like that. Life was just escaping her body slowly and slowly. The doctor decided to perform a surgery on her, which was a major success! she was recovering well, and she could go home after the surgery - living a slightly more normal life compared to her hospital life which lasted for... many months? A few days after the surgery, it was discovered that during the surgery, some equipment was infected, and as her body was too weak to protect itself, the infection killed her within less than 2 days of notice.

Her mother was there. Her father was there. I was there. It was a TOTALLY stupid mistake, TOTALLY stupid kind of shock.

The reason that I remembered them were not so much because I saw them for long periods before their death. But I saw their dying faces, and the dead face. It is pretty wierd to see a dead person. They just look like they are sleeping. They are there... but they are not there anymore.

Their hands are cold, and there is little sign of sickness. They look peaceful.

They literally have no more life in them. Yet, the description differs so far from the few phrases that I mentioned above. When we mention that we are half dead, we are lifeless... it is one of weakness, one of struggling, one of persevering.

These few days, I have been passing pretty sad moments at times. It seems at first that I am fighting a war against my own thoughts. Then I was fighting a losing battle. I was then crying. I was then arguing and struggling and trying to make sense out of things. I feel pain, and I wrestle.

If I was ever alive, these are the moments that I am alive. The days of comfort and pleasure somehow seem so far away. But the pain is present. Comfort and pleasure demands so little energy of me, it keeps my mind at ease - I don't need to do anything... and just "let things happen to me".

If I was ever dead, those must have been the times. My years of struggles are my years of growth. On this side of heaven, my years of pain are my years of living. My years of change are my years of learning. There is just something so wierd about living and dying.

It seems that comfort and pleasure is the way to live - yet idleness is really a sign of death. What kind of comfort and pleasure constantly demands your strength, your energy, your everything? In death, what kind of loss have you experienced - when you are dead... you cease to be "you".

I'm probably a little too geeky for you to find these kind of things interesting.

The Man

Quite a fair bit is written about Jesus' birth, a handful about him as he grew from a tween to teen, many chapters about the 3 years of His ministry, and many chapters about the last few days of His life on earth.

I was somewhat looking for a model to follow - if Jesus is 20 years old, what is He like?

At 12, Jesus was reasoning with teachers in the temple. The record before this event is Luke 2:40

And the child became strong; he was filled with wisdom, and the grace of God was upon Him.

Then after the discourse with the teachers - up till perhaps 30 years old, Luke 2:52 says:

And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.

If I am looking for a model to follow, I suppose this is all I have. Even reading through the entire Bible, one would find that authors were not so concerned with the in between years. It seems that almost everybody is a grown up man when history is recorded.

I thought through different reasons why this is so:

"Hey, they are recording history, isn't that how all history books are? Always describing the activities of man in form of the things they accomplished, countries involved, advances discovered?"

"Paper is expensive, they must have only recorded the most important things"

There are a few more similar reasons. But now I am considering this...

The Bible is God's Word, His story - perhaps by the way He chooses to reveal things (what He reveals and doesn't reveal) I can know what is important. By the proportion of chapters devoted to Jesus' life in the Gospel - it is apparent that it is His life and words during His ministry is most significant, only second to His death and resurrection.

I would not doubt this sort of emphasis do point us to the centrality of Jesus (and His Cross) in the whole Bible. But does this portion also imply that the whole point of my life is my ministry to people? Then my whole life up till before I become involved in some public ministry is just some sort of preparation? The Bible seems to always record a few significant events in a person's life and how that has played a role in the whole Bible - and more or less nothing more about the person's life. With the exceptions of a few characters of course.

I realize that because of my biased mind who is seeking for answers that perhaps the authour never intended to offer - I start to interpret passages the way I want to see it. Whatever that might be just a simple description I could be just making it to a model in life. Yet in the midst of all these things, I will hold on to the security of the 2 verses above that I think is crucial.

The first verse mention that Jesus became strong, filled with wisdom, and had the grace of God was upon Him - I take that to mean that God had favour with Him. The second verse mention that Jesus grew physically, grew in wisdom, and had favour with God and men.

So growing up physically and strong - I don't know if there is supposed to be anything significant with it. With the excpetion of intoxicants and unhealthy diet, i suppose this to mean normal physical growth.

The second one that would be more of interest is that Jesus grew in wisdom. So I'm supposed to be growing in wisdom during these years.

Jesus also grew in favour with God (this is common to both). How do I grow in favour with God?

The third was growing in favour with men. Now this is one thing I lack. But the Bible also teaches that Jesus did not seek the approval of men, yet he had favour with men. How does this work? I know too few people who do not seek the approval of men but still have favour with men - hence me.

I still have quite a bit to digest.

Little Stones

A fine cool day,
walking down the lonely path,
Little stones along the way,
dashing against my foot.

Such are these days. Everything I need is here, the good things in life to cheer me up; the little assurances I love to have - a home to stay, money to spend, academics which are doing pretty okay. God is in the picture, Christian and non-Christian friends surround me - there is fellowship, there is ministry.

Yet, the journey is not an easy one. Academics keep me on my toes. Hope strengthens me when I grow tired and weary. Not too strong, but strong enough to give me assurance that I will be able to endure.

Yet, it is not only marked with busy-ness as a routine, but also pricks. A piece of my heart is somewhere, somewhere it does not belong. My eyes grant me memories that brings pain to my heart. Everyday, I am reminded of the pain - and these thoughts keep my mind troubled all the time. The seemingly trivial things that are not trivial at all... they hurt my feet, I grow weary of walking - yet they cannot kill me.

Living between life and death - a full life belongs to me. Struggles have never been so consistent, such energy has never been required of me. Yet for the glory of this struggle, such is this life. Between here and a land far away, between life and death.

This life demands my vision to see heaven and earth, yet not a place somewhere in between. A call to have such violence that is gentle! A cry and a shout in the form of a plea. The identity of a man, yet being the bride. A position that desires to give - so much... yet is constantly receiving. A promise of acceptance and belonging, yet Home is somewhere in the distant future.

In this world you have tribulation - but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world.

What is it that You have overcome? Your overcoming has granted vision of the strength of hope - If hope is already this strong, how much greater shall the realization be?

Little stones strike my feet along the way,
Until the largest boulder take me Home.

A Time for Test

The time of testing has come again, and whether I pass this day, depends on whether I passed yesterday. If I was not responsible yesterday, todays load will be heavier.

A test for the heart. It is a hard test. It is not a test of time - but a test to trust God's goodness. To acknowledge that the truth is true, that God is good.

Oh God, I have never been good at this. I feel like I am like a weakling in this whole matter, I don't feel like a champion at all. Every time this comes, you will show me that I am not ready. How I wish that I am ready... but my continual wish for readiness is a sign that I am not mature enough. How ironic.

I want to be ready. I don't want to "want to be ready". Because I know as long as I want, I have never let it go yet. Let it go Joel, if it is yours, it will come back.

Such is life. Let it go. If it is yours, it will come...
If it isn't - and you don't let go now, you will lose it anyway.

God, You have taught me. I owe you my life. I wish that I would be a robot for this area of my life - incapable of making my own decisions but mindlessly and emotionlessly sweep through it... then I would not have to suffer such pain. But surely, Your plan is not so.

Your ways are not my ways, your thoughts are higher than mine. You desire to see Jesus formed in me. I desire insanity. Such God, are the struggles in my heart. God - I know of two things to do when I struggle...

Give in.
Grow up.

I want the latter. But the former is easier. Such is life, the better thing is always the harder thing to do. Why did Eve want to be like God? Wasn't she already like God - made in the likeness of God?

Why? I am not really wanting to know why. It is just hard God. I just want to assure myself that You know. I'm sure you know. I just doubt that I am assured of that.

Dear God, today I learn that You ought to be the rightful and loving ruler who is supposed to rule over my life - my failure to comply is sin. And truly so...

The good news and the sad news is that it is the same news.

Dear God, I know You will bring me through all this. Please, please, please grant me strength that I may endure this... that I may honour You... even if nobody ever understands anything.

Shitting in toilets

This post is typed on my laptop... while I am sitting in the comfort of my toilet bowl.

You know the times when you shit - because you had enough fibre, your shit does not come out like a machine gun or fireworks... but it comes out as a whole piece....

"DOSH!"

the shit goes down, but water comes up!

It is one of the most irritating thing that can ever happen in the toilet! Especially if you peed already!

Solution:
Put about 6 pieces of tissue paper into the toilet bowl first. This will provide cushion for the shit so it wont go down with a "DOSH" and send water up.

End of story.

P.S. If you think this method is wasting toilet paper, chances are that you will be using the same amount of tissue paper to wipe of the pee-shit-water in the end anyway. If if you insist that this method wastes paper, please ignore the advice given.

A thing to be careful about

I spent quite a fair amount of time today just watching youtube clips on magic tricks.

I saw some professional magicians, I saw some amateur kids doing tricks. It was pretty amazing, ingenious how the come up with the tricks. As an engineering student, I tried hard to trace where the card went, where he hid the pigeon, how come the coin went into that closed bottle!

Yet, in all this, the videos remind me of a professional magician(Anslem Roy) I knew, some golden words I remember...

When we do magic, we are NOT trying to say
"Hey! look! I'm gonna prove you stooopid!"
"Now you see! Now you don't! I bet you couldn't catch that! Stooooopid!"

Then he went on to comment on how David Blaine spoiled the image of magicians. Anslem said magicians are performers and entertainers - it is a professional and honourable job, like a clown. It is the clowns job to make people happy, a profession like being a teacher, a lawyer, a doctor, a politician.

This whole lesson made me think about the principle of "Don't be a smart alec". Be humble and do a good job and serve for the good of others.

I have a tutor in university who comes in to class with an attitude - Myself ( and I think many others ) get the feeling that he is trying to show us how smart he is by writing down formulas quickly, telling us that we ought to know all the "first year stuff" already, doing many things the harder way to tell us how fantastic math is while critisizing the standard of math we are learning... while we are still struggling under the load.

I have seen speakers, teachers, magicians, and even pastors doing these sort of things.

I... have done these sort of things.

The truth is this - I am not impressed by that math tutor at all. It is a childish thing to think people are actually impressed. Well, sometimes we succeed at impressing people of low self esteem, just to make them feel smaller and weaker. The idiotic thing is that sometimes I actually feel glorified in the midst of the falling off of my lower self esteemed friends.

On the other hand, this feeling of glory reveals the sad state of a worthless dignity. Who on earth is dignified - not because they are truly winners, but because they are losers who found really lousy losers? There is just this feeling in me when I do such things -

"Joel, you are doing great, you are above the mean, you are above average - you know that you are really quite lousy, but ITS OKAY! the mean value is pathetic! Take comfort in that!"




After all have been said, I think that to think in such a way is really not constructive at all. What more, it is definitely not humble, it is a load of puffed up vain imaginations.

As I write this, though some sense of irritation burns within me, but I hope that you trust that I love you:

To the girls out there:

Just as much as the speaker, teacher, etc job is one of the many "performance based job"... I suppose that I learn from some of my girl friends that looking pretty is also a very time consuming job. But I do have some friends that try hard to be pretty and always feel that they are not pretty enough. Do you know that in perservering in your twisted principles (which I ought to repent of), you are really destroying their lives?

Of course, I'd be too sexist to just mention girls. It is the principle of the whole matter. And as humans, I bet we all face this problem. The thought that we are such lowly beings... should really humble us - whether or not we can change into better persons or not.

A note before Joel goes off:

Joel - fear God and fear nothing else. Respect God above all. If you continue on in your "seeking approval of men more than the approval of God", you will be moulded into a lifeless blob that patterns your life to the insecurities of this world - you will lose your dream spouse, dream family, dream ministry, dream character... you will lose your life. You are called to be a Christian, don't sink below a rational hedonist.

The Christian Student

Post Summary:

This post will look into the matter of the role of a person (e.g. me) as a Christian - then what it means to be a Christian student. Order of logic being: Christian first, then student.



What is the role of a Christian in this world - for that matter, what ought to be the original role of every human being?



God being the Creator, we are His creation. We will exist for His pleasure - whatever His pleasure would mean. What quickly comes to mind is a cruel dictator. What if I said the Germans at one point of time lived for Hitler's pleasure? That is madness. Truly, for a man who is sinful (which each of us are not far from) - to exist for one man's pleasure which is tainted with selfishness and wickedness (as "good" as he may otherwise be), a little corruption will make "existing for his pleasure" a nightmare.



And we know this, humans are at best - flawed, heavily flawed if not twisted. Otherwise, we just have not gotten to the bottom of the human heart.



God is not like that. God is perfectly good. If it is hard to imagine the Christian God, let us just suppose a good God who is infinitely just and infinitely loving.



Some Christians have summed up that the purpose of the Christian life is to worship God - to acknowledge Him as who He is and give due adoration, praise, and worship. Very quickly, the same image of Hitler might hit our minds where the cruel dictators force people to bow down to them by force most of the time if not all the time, a performance that will protect their obscurities. A show to please their fancies.



God is not like that. The fact that billions of people live far from "living for God's sake" up till today lets us know that God is giving us a time to decide who is the king of our lives. He definitely knows that He is the King of the Universe - but whether we regard Him as King or otherwise is quite another matter.



With the understanding that God is perfectly good, wise, and loving (having our welfare in His mind) - I think it might give a better idea to say that it is the honour, duty, and joy of every man (should they fully come to their senses) to do WHATEVER God decrees. One might question, WHATEVER? what if He asks you to kill? Isn't that what is happening in the world today - religious fanatics going out killing people in God's name? (Very soon this will relate to the student's dilemma)



I am to a very large extent glad to say that since Jesus time - Christians are called to offer the other cheek, and nowhere are there records of God commanding us to kill or hurt anybody since Jesus time. But I have to be clear that in ther earlier parts of the Bible before Jesus time, Israel had armies, God did command wars. God even commanded Abraham (for those unfamiliar, he is some big character in the Bible) to sacrifice his son - Isaac. So in that sense, whatever would include killing. But before jumping to conclusions, we have to understand that God's character (perfectly loving, perfectly just, perfectly wise) is the foundation of all His decrees - such that God would call us to do something based on His character. Nowhere in the Bible does God "test people for fun". Very different from some of us who posses some twisted sense of humour.



What does it mean (most of the time if not all of the time) to do whatever God says?



The good thing is that God did say something - and we know the major part of that "whatever" is. Jesus, before returning back to Heaven after His ressurection told His disciples

"All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."



Since then, people everywhere have been taught not only to believe in Jesus, but also to follow His footsteps - to be a disciple, not just one who hears and simply professes their faith with words. Since this will be the foundation of the following arguments, I better make sure that this point is clear.



Jesus is definitely clear that this world is not "all there is". He knows that the whole world will be judged because He is the judge. He knows that the whole earth will be destroyed because He is making a new one. He knows that the human body will die and decompose and we will not carry this body we have now into eternity. Every human institution will one day fail or fall.



As much as they might serve wonderful purposes now - there will be a day when we won't need "Energy Australia" or "Tenaga Nasional Berhad" anymore and they will run out of business because God will take care of the electricity problem in heaven should we ever have one.



In light of that, therefore what is most important is firstly - God's honour that is being blasphemed throughout the world and the human responsibility to comply to that. The human responsibility to that is to know Jesus - His Judgement, His Interpretation of the World, His verdict on our current state of relationship with God and much more - repent of their wicked ways, and entrust ourselves to God, taking Him at His Word.



This being of utmost important, the duty of every Christian is then to preach God's Word everywhere in one way or the other. One way or the other does not mean that we preach God in our words and not our actions - we preach God every way, in one way or the other. We might be a school teacher, or a government official, or someone in the comercial sector, or a pastor - this is the one way or the other (one form or the other). But we preach God every way - our actions, our attitudes, our secret thoughts, our words, how we treat others, how we treat God, etc.



This is why there is a part in the Bible where a leader called Paul asked the new believers of the day to remain in the same jobs they were in before - but with a new attitude in life. Paul asked slaves of the day (about 2000 years back) to remain as slaves, but to live honestly, although working for their masters, but to live with the attitude that their are serving God their true Master, etc. so that in every area of their lives, they will make known God's Word to others.



Excluding the job of an assasin, drug lords or the like... It is not what job we do that pleases God (as though being a big-time CEO brings more honour to God than a toilet cleaner), it is how we do our jobs that please God. To God - there is no hierachy. If there is, the CEO and the toilet cleaner belongs to the same level.



What does it mean then for a University Student like me?



Before this sound too far fetched, I will tell a little about myself being a student. Having grades to keep, there are times I pump some caffein into myself, stay up late quite often. Being a person who is not very concerned with my health, I now make extra effort to drink more juice, eat my vitamins, get out once in a while for some fresh air. I like sleeping, like many of us. But even having no assignments to rush, other housemates and I stay up late to study.


Thats a little bit about me.

But really, what difference is it being Christian as a student, or any other person? What is this whole getting top grades thing? What does studies mean to us... what does it mean to God, in the span of eternity?



Firstly, there is no difference.



For the second question. The knowledge of how capacitors work, how diodes work, how electricity flows... would be very worthless in the span of eternity.



However, a Christian student is to honour God in his work - for now, our job is to study. We may do many other things in church, or volunteer for charitable purposes. However, considering the amount of time we spent in our studies, it is quite clear what our jobs are.

Though on the outside the Christian and the non-Christian look somewhat the same, yet the Christian student believes something that is contrary to the popular alternative that our studies is our future-


I will study Engineering to become a great engineer, or earn lots of money, or to help many people by inventing wonderful appliances. It is wonderful to have a goal and achieve something great, want to help people, and perhaps to earn lots of money

But from our understanding previously that the world will not last and that what is truly of utmost importance is God's Honour and the human responsibility towards God... We ought not to be distracted from the crucial work of saving souls to chase afer the dreams that are shaped according to our fancies, ours and the world's fancies.



As a Christian student, I still bear the joy and responsibility to preach God's Word through my words, deeds, and attitude. I suppose it is not difficult for us to understand the responsibility part, but let me share some of the joys with you being a Christian student - dismissing the notion that the responsibility is something that is without joy.



As a student, in my studies:



I discover wonderful principles in Mathematics.


3²+4²=5²



We are familiar with this one. We learn this in high school. It is simple, but for some of us who study Mathematics on the tertiary level, we know that all these are beautiful equations. The simpler it is, the more profound. It marvels some of us, it marvels many professors "HOW ON EARTH IS THAT POSSIBLE?"



We learn that many laws govern our universe very beautifully.


They say this is the most beautiful equation that ever existed. You can ask some of your Mathematician friends if you want to understand this. Engineering students should know it too.

On the electrical side, I am also amazed by how laws all work together. Some of us learnt from Physics about simple things such as conservation of energy. But have you ever thought that converting energy from one form to the other (as much as we can calculate the amount of energy and give them a certain name - Joules for it), up till third year, I don't really have any idea of explaining what energy really is? and the the conversion process is still very mysterious?


Invisible magnetic waves created within the dynamo - somehow through some process turn into light, turns into power that can move electric cars. If we really think hard about it, it is quite an insane thing how all these things work together. Chemistry, Biology - all these things are mad stuff. As days goes by, scientists discover more and more wonderful things, like the DNA.


From equations, one who ponders long enough might just see something divine. There many tons of other wonderful equations - equations to prove the fourth dimension, some like to call it the spiritual world - which mathematics can be applied to guide our thinking in such matters.

I can only speak from the scientific point of view, since that is what I am in. I suppose there are similar things in the arts - which I probably know too little to comment on it.

My studies (some parts, not all) teaches me wonderful things about God, and I have to say that God did reveal some part of Himself through mathematics so that I appreciate Him more. Not only more, but also brought me to adore some qualities that another person who does not understand mathematics wouldn't see.


Yes, there are many boring parts in my studies where I learn how all these relates to our real life, how to apply these things. Tons of formulas that are difficult to memorize (which of course, God created both the simple and the complicated formulas - we merely discovered them) bore me. Well, in this world - we don't just feed on thoughts, we have to live, eat, shit, get tired and sleep and do all the "practical" things like use computers, electricity...


Yet somehow - there are times that we feel we were not created to do these things. Sometimes we want to play. Sometimes we want to do something that is truly significant in life , and we say "What on earth has this to do with it?"


Therefore, we look forward to a new world. Where we have new appetite for better things. Where we have a new body and the strength to do the things which truly matters - things that we were really created to do. As Christians, we sometimes do wish to just skip around and sing songs about God - close our eyes and dance around and express our joy to God. Yet it is the small menial things that disturb us. If we close our eyes and skip around, we might just bump into something else and fall down. People might think Christians are crazy or something. A pair of wings to fly would be cool. Being able to dance in the air would be cooler.


But I am sure Heaven would not be disappointing. Worshipping God on earth as a student, many times do not mean the most fun thing on earth to do. I get frustrated all the time. People who know me knows that I always look stressed - and yes, I am stressed all the time. Sometimes I cannot wait to just die and meet God. Yet I know I want to stay on earth, and God willing - as my friends see my attitude towards life - through my studies, through my living with them everyday... perhaps they might to open their minds toward the God of The Bible.


This is also another joy of being a student. I know that when I study, people watch. They watch my attitude. To some extent, they might be just looking for God in me - which I claim to say that Jesus lives in me.


Many times, as a student - it is the small things that frustrate me. Having to hang the clothes, having to wash the dishes. Why can't I just eat and have no dishes to wash? Then there are the "bigger" things. Final exams are just round the corner. I have grades to keep - I have to get a minimum of second upper class, which is part of my scholarship contract. It is my responsibility to keep it, but I prefer to call it a joy to lift the burden off my parents' shoulders by fulfilling my contract.


The world that I live in, is a world full of constraints. But with constraints, we know who our friends are. Loving is not easy, therefore we know what love that perseveres mean. With constraints, we are forced to prioritize and do what is more imporatant first. With constraints, we show our true colours. The higher the pressure, the more amazed I become as I see how God supports me from within.


Honestly, I look forward to a new world. Yet while I am here with all the frustrations... Thank God that He gave me friends and family - inside and outside the church. He has proved Himself faithful throughout the years, and when I come to my senses once in a while... I realize that it must have been tough for God to love someone like me.


It the quiet moments as I lie on my bed, I think back of what God has done, and somehow feel satisfied... even as my head is beating in rhythm with my heart as I ache over unsolved questions on engineering, relationships, my future.

Contentment

Post Summary:



I'm proposing that not knowing how to appreciate a good thing is effectually worse than not having a good thing. And all this relates to Gratitude and Ingrattitude. I hope this addition of summary will help the reader to have a frame to think with, and better understand the article.



When I have received a good thing but then I know not how to appreciate it - and assuming a Bell Curve for good and bad things. I have received much of the "positive" end - yet I cannot recognize it - it is then irrelevant whether I will receive better things or not.

For those who are not in mathematics or Engineering - Bell Curve, is some probability system that says ( in this context ), on average, a person will face very few extremely bad things, some average bad things, a lot of "middle" things, some good things, and very few extremely good things in life. It is also called the normal distribution.

Take 2 persons: John and Cassie

John received few good things in life - therefore within himself, he continues to hunger for good things. Probability tells me that he will soon be satisfied and he will live in enjoyment. Probabilty tells him his hope has some measure of grounds to it. Assuming a Bell Curve, being at the 70-percentile, he can look forward to the 30 more percent that he has yet to receive.

Cassie received much good in life, yet she does not know how to appreciate it. She knows she has little to expect. at the 90th-percentile, she wonders if 90% is so tasteless, what more could an additional increase of 10% give. She is worse off compared to John, although she has retained her present comfort, yet she has lost her hope for better things. For she cannot between what is good and better anymore.


Really, what is a good thing to receive in life is eyes to see the present good.
I am talking about myself, though I do not doubt that many people need the same eyes too.

Gratitude.

Gratitude has got to come with humility. Pride trumpets self-sufficiency. One may be strong enough in life to be self-sufficient in certain areas in life, yet a self-sufficient attitude breeds an independent spirit. Not the good kind of independance, but the kind that causes ingratitude.

And ingratitude - is blindness towards goodness.

Ingratitude kills joy faster than anything else, since it robs the joy of receiving gifts - for gratitude springs from the fact that we know we are receiving goodness that we do not deserve. And truly, a physical lack of nourishment can be easily be fulfilled in our part of the world, yet an emotional and spiritual void, what can fill?

Humility in our world is such a low word. The voices call "flaunt it!" yet, a wise person would choose humilty than 'flaunt it' - for he knows the true winner is the one who enjoys much, not as simplistic as just having much.

And isn't the secret of contentment simply true gratitude?

I'm not being content. Now, i'm not so worried to have less - but that I'm blind.

God, please open my eyes. Not only mine, but the eyes of the many people of this world.

Stress and God

Since 2 Saturdays ago, I have been spending most of my waking hours studying.

Waiting in front of library at 9 am since it opens at 10 am.
Rushing to McD for lunch.
Staying in the library till evening when it closes on weekends.
Staying till library until 10 pm when it closes.
Vector Analysis was last Friday.
Complex Analysis was on Monday.
Today, there were TWO papers. Electrical Energy. Analogue and Digital Communications.

The stress has been building all the while. I told Kenneth on Friday - I know when I enter eternity, all these tests will seem like nothing. In heaven, I won't remember the tests and exams - they will no longer matter. BUT, as menial they may look from and eternal point of view, I am trapped in this shell here where I can only imagine the word everlasting and forever, tests and exams is still a stressful matter.

On Friday, not only I shared with him about my studies and the headache that it gives me, I also asked him about marriage. He is married - he knows better. What if your Christian brother and you went after the same girl? What does your wife mean to you - surely it is not a Christian thing to view your wife as a bigger than life thing? Do your dreams intertwine, or does she conform to your dream?

As the questions would show, I had more than mere academic stress. I have to admit that sometimes "taking things as it is" seems to be so much more convenient, and in the matters of relationships, it seems to be helpful to "just be natural". Yet, I am stuck to the habit of planning and calculating.

I will count how much stress I will face the coming week since my "Digital Signal Processing" test is yet to come...20 marks there...How much weightage for my whole semester...

At times, it seems that the only way to reduce stress is to distract myself. Yet, at the back of my head, the memory of "something is still yet to be done" keeps coming over and over again.

Studies - Future - relationship - Future - Friends - Future - Tick Tock Tick Tock - It isn't resolved yet - How should I plan? Though my eyes stare into empty space, they see more than my mind can contain.

Friday, I did my Vector Analysis pretty well. Should be getting good marks. Yet, getting good marks should be the normal thing. Not that I really embrace high marks, it is simply my responsibility - that is what it is like when I'm not under FAMA scholarship.

Yet, I have no time to celebrate. I have another 4 papers. Friday night, I rested. Saturday it was studies. Once in a while when I am doing my math, I catch myself wondering about my future wife, what I would do when I finish my degree - while making sense of simply taking studies as a matter of responsibility, but also to learn how it is the means of some sort of end. As I grow to know more and to want more, I realize that I have control over less and less things - it makes me nervous.

A battle rages in my heart. The circumstances humble me, yet my ego chooses to think that I might still have some more control - I persuade, I dissuade, I plan, and I review the things I do, making sure everything will go according to plan - like a relay, there comes a point in time to realize that the baton is meant to be passed. I fret within myself over the things I cannot change.

There is a saying " God give me wisdom to change the things I can change, God give me the peace to accept the things I cannot change ". Yet I keep asking - Can this be changed? Surely, if I truly know if one thing cannot be changed - I won't, but I argue with myself, how sure are you that you cannot change. And many times, fighting for change is an uphill slope - and there is one thing about people who likes challenges in life:

Sometimes we take up a challenge simply because it is a challenge.

All I need is pride to do it.
I can grow smarter and wiser throughout the years. I can own more throughout the years. Yet, pride will never fail to blur my vision.

Why am I so stressed? I take upon myself things that I want to - for some reason that I would consider stupid from hindsight.

As I stepped into the classroom, the question paper for Vector Analysis came. The first question required me to "integrate by parts" - but instead of having two parts... there are three parts. How on earth can I integrate three parts? I start remembering spending more than 12 hours on Saturday alone to study for this subject... and now for a 10 mark paper - I can't answer the first question which carries 4 marks?

the test was 25 minutes, and I spent more than 5 minutes on the 4 marks question writing nonsense - I felt uneasy - no I was feeling frustration. I know that tests and exams are not something crucial in life, in 10 years time, who will remember that I lost marks in this paper? BUT, I PUT IN EFFORT! Don't tell me I put in effort to have it wasted! Impossible...
This would explain how I spent 10 minutes for the other 6 marks... and 15 minutes writing more nonsense on a 4 mark question.


Having no time to rest, I have less than 3 days to prepare for 2subjects, 3 chapters each. Tuesday night and Wednesday night, I slept for about 2-3 hours each day. Pumping myself with caffeine was the strategy. I can't lose marks - It is not a Joel thing. Studies became bigger and bigger. Yes there is God. But oh God, surely you don't understand what I am going through?

Surely You do - I acknowledge You being here, but what difference is it? At times I realize that God isn't about me - He didn't create a million galaxies and sent His Son to die a torturous death so I can get High Distinction for my paper? Surely God understands, yet there is a gap between the "here and now" and the "there and the future"

For this period, I neglected reading God's Word. I somehow "integrated" everything - reminding myself of God as I walk to classes and in between classes, and "thank you God for the food" as I realize that dinner is served. I wanted to have peace and assurance, but the heapful of notes that jeers at me, along with some 6 variable equations that I ought to memorize/understand - gave me somewhat a kind of "peer pressure". Who said that peers only have to be humans?

In the midst of frustration, I turned everywhere but to God. I turned to the phone. I turned to Youtube - watched power Rangers and CyberCop. I amaze myself of my resourcefulness. i jumped like an idiot around my room singing songs out of tune. I was almost going to go crazy. With the lack of sleep, and the cappuccino - my heart beat was somewhat beating twice as fast all the time. My eyes were awake and my head was thumping - and I will study through the night until 4:30 am.

Finally at about 5:30 am this morning I slept.

I was thinking, I didn't really sleep. If I did, it was probably an hour. Setting my alarm at 7 a.m. i woke up 3 times before 7 a.m. I was worried that I would not have enough time to do my last minute revision. Paper 1 was at 9a.m., paper 2 was at 12p.m. With a bad headache, I slept again.


and I dreamt.

I was washing my hands in a toilet. Suddenly there was a commotion outside the toilet. I hear people calling my name in cantonese.

"Joel, why are you so slow? Hurry and see!"
"Quick"

Pushing people aside, I ran out to see what happened.

It was my dad. A vein burst in his head, and he couldn't move. He was paralyzed, top down. his face looked lost. His faced looked helpless and a few people tried to hold him up preventing him from falling down.

Yet as I emerged from the crowd, my dad saw my face. And he smiled. It was a smile of contentment. I could see from his eyes:

"Its all good, thats my boy coming, thats my son!"

He was proud about his son, me. He was happy.

The voice of the crowds that jeered at my irresponsibility faded - the smile of acceptance from my father made it all good.

I looked at him, and my heart was touched, I was sad, yet I was happy - for that smile.

Then I woke up.

I stood up, walked to the back of house and looked out the window. My mind was awake, my heart was at peace. I looked up heaven. Simply still there, I considered creation, the beauty of it. Then I thought about my family - My father, mother, brother and sister.

"God... thank You. I have much. These are wonderful things You gave me. Thank You God for my father. My mother. My brother. My sister. My friends. Please save them. You show me what is good in life, and I am happy and I want to thank You for it. Thanks. My tests... Please take care of them. I think I'm okay if I don't get high marks, though I wish that somehow You will still give me grades."

I prayed.

Images of my family, and many issues flashed before my eyes. I was relieved. I had peace. There was still headache - but there was peace.

at 7:20a.m. I left the house for University - I still had two papers, grabbed cappuccino and started revising.

I sat for my Analogue and Digital Communication paper. I think I should be getting more than 80 marks for that paper.

Then I studied for my Electrical Energy paper during the break. For two hours, I suddenly understood everything that I did not understand the night before. I grew happy - yet I was distracted by the somewhat frightening thought that God is involved somehow. It somewhat a nervous thought to think that God is helping so actively now - as He always does in my life.

12 p.m.

I finished the 1 hour paper in 20 minutes. I'm confident that i am getting full marks for the paper.

Today, I am not just happy.

Happiness is a small thing. I am contented.

Contented that God did not work according to my schedule. Because of my immaturity and pride, he allowed me to go through a stressful period - with no signs of curing my stress. In the morning, He showed me what is truly important. He showed me the good things that I was blind to. To see something that I had, was almost like gaining the things themselves.

As I type this, peace and joy fills my heart.

My assurance is my God's character. God, when I grow up, I want to be just like You.