Dad, Calvary Church, Skepticism, Toiletries and a Break

Coming back to Malaysia, one of my main priorities is my dad. He should be retiring by now, but he loves his work and he loves to go around - so he is still working. He has yet to believe in Jesus, and I am concerned about him.

Spending time with my dad is good. It helps me see why I am who I am today.

Why do I speak the way I do?
Why do I question things the way I do?
What things to I get offended by?

I never realised how similar I am to my dad, though quite different. He bases his trust on himself mostly, he is more self-made. I trust in Jesus, though in a worldly point of view, I "technically" worked to where I am today. But the style we approach issues are so similar.

Last night, we had dinner outside - and suddenly, I found out that my dad quit smoking. As far as I know, he has been smoking for more than 40 years. An asthma attack during work (in some dusty construction place) made him sick of the place. It was bad enough that he stayed home for 2 weeks without going for work. And SUDDENLY, keyword SUDDENLY, he said he doesn't want to smoke. Naturally, I think this is a result of the asthma. But when I ask him, it isn't really about the asthma. It was not something that he actually decided by willpower. It was just

"I woke up one day, and smoking isn't the thing for me - it suddenly causes uneasiness in my throat"

I like the sound of these things. He still drinks though. But whatever, I like my dad drinking. I think he talks more when he drinks and it helps me bond with him. Coming home this time, I bought my parents a pair of iPod shuffle. Sitting down and just help my parents get more used to technology is pretty fun. It warms my heart to know that they are willing to learn. Definitely, I do not want to be in a position of "teaching my parents" in the arrogant sense.

During dinner last night, our family was suddenly talking about masseurs, reflexology, and how everybody seems to be in the business. So many practitioners who probably have no proper training seem to just print that "foot chart" off google images and start opening their own practice.

My dad was saying things along:

"I trust the technology. I don't doubt that these things can work and are probably scientific.... But IT'S THE BUGGER I DON'T TRUST"

He went on talking about how some of the people who seem to take pictures with important "datuk's" to back their claim of almost miraculous healing powers are all a joke - cos they were actuallly just demonstrating some techniques to them, and wasn't curing anything particular anyway.

Then he quoted the day's newspaper about Calvary Church. Apparently, the Senior Pastor is accused of "mismanagement of funds". The STAR article can be found here. He said this because he was talking about how American Reverends seem to come to Malaysia, to stadium negara, and pray for people and they get miraculously healed. I remember Josh saying, if they can really do that:

"Go to the hospital"

Well, Josh was a doctor.

Anyways, the whole chat over the dinner continued to be filled with more and more skepticism. And since Calvary Church was on the newspaper that day because of these issues - there was lots of "I'm not quite sure about these super respected pastors anymore". It is understandable, Calvary Church is probably the BIGGEST Megachurch in Malaysia and highly influential.

My mind was thinking of how to answer my dad during dinner. No, I had no intention of defending Calvary Church, or Prince Guneratnam. I was just thinking how to give them another strike. I was thinking how can I discredit the prosperity gospel more? How can I affirm that my dad's skepticism is valid?

At this point, it is important that I clarify a few things. One of the things that I learnt from my dad is "how to argue". Don't make mistakes, because once you do, my dad will remind you how you have made the mistake not only this time he caught you, but also last week/month/year. If he has reminded you of the issue more than a few times, then he would have "told you SO MANY TIMES", such that "are you stupid or what?"

That may sound like unfair argument tactics. Most of us would think it as "forgetfulness". But I know it is laziness. My dad is a very gracious person, but he isn't gracious when he is scolding you. He doesn't correct a mistake per se, he tells you things about your character. Sometimes it is true, sometimes it is exaggerated, but nonetheless, I learnt from him how to phrase arguments in a way that make people feel guilty.

This is the thing I learnt from him. Feel guilty or not, doesn't matter - It is better that you feel guilty, then you will do something about it. In our polite society, we tend to be courteous in a bad way such that if there was something to be corrected - we do it so politely that it is almost our fault to mention that somebody has a fault. He is a polite and friendly man to his friends, but if you are wrong, YOU ARE WRONG.

I love my dad. If there is one thing I learn from him, it is integrity. I'm not saying that he doesn't bribe policemen. Thats a different thing. But he doesn't pretend to be nice, he hates hypocrisy not the way the general public do. He has a dislikes it in a vocal way.

He was just talking about policemen stopping him for traffic offence. He knows what they want. They know what he wants. We all want less trouble, and he doesn't mind paying RM50 so that he doesn't need to pay RM300. The problem is the policeman starts lecturing my dad.

"Ini susah tahu, you lepas lampu merah, sangat bahaya tahu... hari itu, ada satu kes sama, kes serious... ..."

In my dad's heart: "Eh... Shaaddup la, tell me how much you want"

Because, truly enough, after a few moments, the question is : "So, sekarang macam mana?"

Pay RM50, then the policeman pretends to write something and sends you off.

The thing is this, my dad doesn't mind the question "So macam mana nak settle?" He just hates the drama that goes before it. Firstly, it wastes his time. Secondly, please stop bullshitting me and get to the point. Being pretentious is just "yuck". Being raised up by my father, my brother and I hates pretense with a passion.

Skepticism is also one thing I learnt from my father. Because of the "don't tell me cock and bull stories please" attitude,I have learnt to question things naturally. Mix it all up together
1.hating pretense,
2.skepticism,
3. and making sure you get it if I catch you making a mistake)

Its such a beautiful combination. In my dad's mind, it is often "This people are so stupid and gullible, they haven't fallen for another "conman-who-promises-you-a-million-dollars-if-you-only-give-him-100,000" trick". The whole "everybody is so stupid" thing, yes, I caught it from my dad. Now, my dad isn't claiming to be extra smart, but he does have a point how people can be so stupid.

Reading the Bible, it has given me a framework WHY people can behave in such illogical ways. Of course, I do stupid stuff at many times. I get scolded by my dad often enough to know it. And hey, I think I turned out quite good. I sort of consider myself as a product of "good upbringing".

Now at this point of time, i know you the reader might think of issues like self-righteousness, and how arrogant I am to say things the way I do. Well, it is hard to convince you I am not trying to say things that way. Another thing I caught from my dad is "don't explain yourself". It is like the guy who - the more he defends himself, the more you suspect that he is in the wrong. My dad's integrity is good enough for you to trust that his intentions are good. If you doubt it, he doesn't need to explain it - it is your fault.

Now, my dad is not Christian, but there are many aspects of God that I learn from my dad. I learn things like how "His Word is good enough". If I give you my word, that is as good as done. I learn from my dad the value of a good name. I learn from my dad to hate pretense. I deduce that being honest, and sometimes blunt with a person is the way to respect another person. I learnt from my dad to "get to the point".

As I was chatting with my dad last night. I also realised that he starts repeating himself more. Is it a sign of aging? i.e. he forgets what he says. Maybe, I hope not. My dad has a good mind and I wish that he stays alert for a much longer period.

From what I caught from him, I think he wants to make himself very clear. And he has an assumption of people "not getting the point" or "not understanding what he is saying". Perhaps it is also that he wants to make his stand VERY CLEAR. Ambiguity is not his thing. The reason I guess this is because... I do that. I repeat things. I repeat because I think most people don't get what I am trying to say. I don't want you to ever tell me "I didn't know" after I told you something a million times.

Of all these things I have learnt from my dad, I only hope that he will apply his skepticism to look at the Bible. To know that the truth of God is so good that it is bulletproof. To see God's integrity. Sometimes, I hate all these politeness is because that there has been too many pretentious who has given politeness a bad name. Being polite has such a negative connotation to it, it no longer works in helping people see the truth. My dad is so skeptical of Christianity. I understand that yes, it is human to reject God. But I think that people are making rejecting God easier. But well, I do look forward to the day when my dad becomes Christian.

One of the things I learnt in all these is that I caught more from my dad than what I learn (if you get what I mean). I just never thought the influence would be so significant. This is how you know i'm his son. I'm just thinking of how this works out in the case where God is my Father. Ideas about "rubbing it (attitudes, convictions,etc) off God". But yeah, if anybody out there wonders where I get my passion and character from, it is the providence of God to put make me the son of my father. From God, I get the sanctified version of it. I think I'm starting to understand more what Jesus was saying when he was telling the Pharisees "Your father is the devil". I think, in some way, my father helped me love Jesus. That Jesus Guy is just so ... STRONG. "Your father is the devil". That sort of bold God-talk, boils my blood and send chills down my spine.

Anyway, on toiletries. I bought so much of them yesterday. I want to have a "good first impression". I was just looking through the "body sprays" section. I saw deodarant + perfume. Then I remembered Mitchell telling me what "for men" means. I think it is something about some special scent to attract the opposite sex - like we are some animals and we can use scents to psychologically trick them to believe that we are more manly than we really are.

As I thought about it, I couldn't help giggling. Its just so funny, cos I'm thinking "heheheh, I'm gonna buy one! I'm gonna buy one!" I bought breath sprays, shoe deodorizer, listerine,shampoo, body shampoo, facial cleanser, shaver.

As I was browsing, I saw "lubricant". I looked around, then I saw condoms. I was giggling again - no, its not because I'm getting it. Its just the kind of primary school joke - like how we laughed at "sifat sifat manusia". If you don't get the joke, ask a Malaysian cantonese friend. So I'm thinking...

Lubricants! ahhahahah....
Condom!.... ahahhaha!
Just shoot.. hahahaha.... watermelon flavour.... really???

Somehow, I don't know why, I forgot to buy the body spray. I will surely get it someday. Never used these stuff before.

Ah! I have a short break ahead of me, I better use my time wisely - and not degrade to a loaf of bread who plays computer games day and night.

A Blessing Undisguised

As usual, when I arrive at work, I'll just take out the laptop, and greet some people.

[Joel] says: (9:23:19 AM)

good morning :D

-*rachierach*- says: (9:23:46 AM)

hi :)

-*rachierach*- says: (9:23:54 AM)

how you doing today?

[Joel] says: (9:24:16 AM)

today looks pretty bright

[Joel] says: (9:24:18 AM)

:D

[Joel] says: (9:24:26 AM)

i have things lined up

[Joel] says: (9:24:56 AM)

haha, i just hope that unpleasant things won't suddenly just pop up and spoil it:P

-*rachierach*- says: (9:25:47 AM)

that sounds good :)

-*rachierach*- says: (9:26:14 AM)

and if things do pop up we know it would definitely e with reason so its all cool

-*rachierach*- says: (9:26:16 AM)

:)

-*rachierach*- says: (9:26:41 AM)

of course its easy to say and totally another thing to do

I had the rest of my week planned out. I'm pretty excited to be able to meet some old friends, catch up - and find time to discuss and learn about the Bible. I've been wanting to share with friends and family the things I have learnt about the Bible for quite some time.

And so, my planner is now filled up. Can't think of anything better to do. So Thursday had come, and I am supposed to be having dinner with James and talk about some Bible matters. Having plans to look ahead to, I told Rachel that I'm anticipating the day, hoping that no funny things happen to spoil everything.

And so 6 p.m. came, I walked to my car.

*Click*

(Hmm, why isn't the car unlocked..)

*Click* ....*Click Click Click*.....

*Click* x1000

"Shit!"

(Call Mark, call Mark, calm down, call Mark.....)

Joel: "Eh abang, I click the remote control right... the car door not unlocking. So how ah?"

Mark: "Oh, your car battery dead edi..."

(Its good to have some genius friends. You tell them a little bit, they know what is going on)

Here is what happened(which is the only possible thing that happened in my opinion): 

It was raining sometime in the afternoon, and there was lightning. The thunder was so loud that it set the car alarm off. Me being in the office and pretty far away from my car, didn't hear a thing - until the alarm drained off my battery. 

So, I asked my colleagues to help me jump start the car. Only to realize that without opening the car door, I cannot open the bonnet, and I cannot jump start the car. The problem is this: the keys that I was holding was supposed to unlock the car electronically, and ignite the engine - it couldn't open the car door mechanically. Where were the keys to open the car door?

Well, genius me left it in the car. I never thought I would ever need to use it. Truth be told, I didn't know what the keys were actually for! My dad passed me the remote control along with the set of keys, I just separated them and took the remote control (which has the engine ignition key) It never came across my mind that when the battery goes flat, I would need them.

This meant that I had to go home to take another set of car keys to open the car. And I had to take a KTM from Serdang to Subang Jaya. It was a long long distance. I had to SMS James and told him I couldn't make it today. As I was arranging, I learnt that if I had dinner with him tonight, the meeting could only last a maximum of 90 minutes (which is really short) as he has some errands to do. So I postponed it till Saturday morning, which meant that I would have more time. 2 hours or more I think!

On the way back from KTM, my brother told me that there isn't "another set of car keys" at home. In simple words, my car is totally locked and there is no key to open it. The only thing I could think of is:

a) Break the car glass

b) get a lock smith all the way to Cyberjaya ( convince him it is my car, and help me steal my car)

Both would cost me quite a lot of money. In my mind I was thinking "Oh shit", this is going bad. But I was also remembering the conversation with Rachel in the morning. I convinced myself that this is just to convenient to be an accident - the same morning I said it, it happened. This is the first time in my 3 years of driving experience that I'm encountering it - it is just to convenient for a bad story.

As I was sitting down in the train, I was thinking to myself... perhaps I could use my time wisely. Share the Gospel? Hmm, nah... I can't do follow up and I will leave the person worse than before. So I tried to talk with the person sitting next to me, but the conversation didn't go far. When I switched trains, I got an opportunity to talk to a girl called Nicole. And so I asked her about her work, where she lives, after knowing that she is also getting off the train at Subang Jaya. I got down her MSN, and I look forward to get to know her a little better, and perhaps I might just get the chance to tell her about the God I love.

Before the train arrived, I got a call from Mark. His plan is to help me steal my car, i.e. pick the car lock. Now, you have to know something about Mark. He just finished classes, drove back to Kota Kemuning from Nilai (about 1 hour drive), and he is willing to come to my place (Subang Jaya) to fetch me to Cyberjaya (30 minutes drive) to help me steal my car. You can't get friends like this I tell you.

So while being in his car on the way to Cyberjaya, we were talking about different things. And Mark was telling me that he was having a hard time living with his housemates. By the end of the conversation, I said:

"Eh Mark, after hearing your story right, I become a little less superficial already I think. Next time look for wife, really must marry a good wife ah - if not really suffer. I mean good in heart la. Good wife hard to find"

I'm serious. I'm quite happy that I have good housemates where I stay. mark is a patient guy and he is suffering after living 1 week with his housemates - sadly he is bonded to stay with them for 1 year. I was thinking in my mind, 1 week and it is like that, a life time is going to be hell!

Anyway, we went back to Cyberjaya, and I sat around like an idiot as I see him using some long ruler to try to open the car door, and jump start the car. As he was working with his hands, he was saying:

"Why am I helping a GUY at night ah? Why not a girl ah - haiyooo...."

It reminded me of the many times when I cross the road, I hope that some giant lorry will suddenly turn out of the corner and almost bang a girl.. and then I would dive over, save her and save myself - and she would be so touched. I have been hoping for that day for many years, it never came, and I think it won't. Here is Mark. He helped me with car issues twice, and computer issues also about twice. Too bad, I hope one day some girl's car breaks down and they will call Mark.

After about 15 minutes... *CHAK*

The door opened. In the middle of the night I was (almost yelling):

"Fuiyoh!!! Genius la you, damn canggih man. If I am a woman I will marry you lah! Really one, but I am not a woman lah"

After that, we went back to Subang for mamak, which was also quite good as we talked even more. In my mind I was thinking, "not a bad day at all!". After all, I got to extend the appointment duration with James, catch up with Mark, and get into contact with Nicole. Honestly, I feel very privileged to have more opportunities. I don't want to lock myself out of the car again, but I do hope that more things like that will happen. 

Not in Vain

It has been 5 weeks since I landed in Malaysia. I landed in Malaysia with big ideas of wanting to bring the newfound theology I learnt from the Bible back to church.

I was thinking that perhaps, by sending books and audio sermons, and presenting the "different Joel" to the church leadership, they might just be persuaded. I thought that to persuade them to read the Bible for what it is was simple: to go through verse by verse, to read the passage in context was a very appealing thing to do.

Well, it wasn't. I now know again what it is like to have ideas just being patronized. Email replies that were just send to acknowledge you - saying "Yes, I received your email or your opinion". To some extent, I expected that - but I'm in for some good surprise.

Most of the "higher position" people in church would continue of with their agenda... but there are personal friends in church, not exactly my superior in church leadership - they became interested in what I wanted to say!

But before going into that, lets start with home!

I have been sharing difficulties I encountered in sermons with my mother, and we discussed them with the Bible open. Then I prepared a quarter of my Christmas talk with my mother, and teaching her how to understand the Bible in context and make sense out of different verses at the same time. I got her some good Christian books and she is reading them - and as time passes, she is learning how to read the Bible for herself instead of just having to rely on a preacher on the stage to tell her what the Bible means. She is more and more convinced, and she is supportive of what I'm supportive now. Having said that, every time I talk with her, I wanted her to know that she didn't have to take my word as truth, but that she could find the truth in the Bible - and she did and continues to do so!

Besides my mom, it is my colleagues. After knowing that I'm a Christian, they asked me different things about the Bible (we did not steal time from the company to discuss these things, just in case you are wondering if I am talking about Bible things when I actually should be working - the answer is no, I did it after work was completed). 

How could it be authentic? Isn't the Quran more reliable? How could God be "Father, Son and Holy Spirit" but still be one God? Why can't Jesus just be a man? What about Prophet Muhammad?

And from simply having to reply questions, I got to explain different things about Christianity even clearer, and in the process, explain who Jesus is, and why we ought to become Christians.

Besides colleagues, I also got to share with church friends. Pointing out different areas of doubt about the sermons, highlighting different parts where the Bible was taken out of context to just support an argument of theirs - I got the opportunity to explain about how the whole Old Testament of the Bible is actually about Jesus. How good and proper understanding of the Bible will lead to good interpretation - and how all these motivates us to truly love and fear God. My friend is interested to know more, and I am happy - because it is not easy to find people who love God's Word more than their pastor!

Then besides my colleagues, there are Nepali security guards, I know that there are some Nepali Bibles around, perhaps I could get my hands on some of them and give them to the security guards. And perhaps if they have difficulty reading it, I could arrive early for work to explain to them! I haven't done it yet, but it looks possible.

Besides the security guard, now I'm trying to get to the music leader in church. Sometimes I just find that the Christian songs we sing are so void of meaning. Only filled with words like "i praise you Lord, I love You, I worship You, I give You my life", otherwise, it is meaningless. Therefore, I'm recommending songs that have more content, that would help us reflect on more Christian things - the cross, Jesus, God's Word, etc... as we sing. I hope we will sing new songs, that would be helpful in helping us understand God better.

As if these were not enough, I'm happy to see some friends who have came back from Australia, seeking to do Christian Work in Malaysia. It is such a joy to see them, to hear the reports of their labours, and of God's faithfulness in providing them with opportunities to share the Bible - and then also to discuss with them how to rejuvenate Malaysian churches.

It was really discouraging before this, but God has given me the opportunity to see that these labours are not in vain. I know some Christian friends who are trying to do the same thing, but they have yet to see the fruits of their labour - 

I ask these friends not to give up. We sow the seeds everywhere, and God will choose to grow whichever that He desires. Whether the fruit bears in our garden, or in another brother's garden, we rejoice. Talk for me now is easy, because I see fruits. But I'm pretty sure it will not be long that I will be discouraged in many ways, but it is all worth giving thanks for. 

Thinking back (I think I said this elsewhere before), out of 10 Christians I know back in high school, only 2 are still Christians. They were the CF president, they were the little teachers, they were... and they WERE. It is sad and discouraging. But we still move on sharing the Gospel, because God still have lost children out there - just waiting to be found.

www.success.con

If you flip through "The Star" Newspapers, no doubt you will find advertisements like:

Are you fearful of the recession?

Do you have a second source of income?

"Get Rich with FOREX"

- Dr. XYZ, BA(Hons), MBA, PhD is an expert in the whole field of Foreign Exchange. For the past 20 years, he has help thousands of people achieve success in their lives, etc etc. Let him teach you the skills that you NEED to SUCCEED in LIFE!

Testimonial by Mr. Chan Ah Beng

This course has made me earn RM15,000 a month by just spending 20 minutes a day!

Testimonial by Ms. Chin Ah Lian

This course has given me financial success, now I can quit my job and stay at home! 

or maybe...

Do you know that Success in Education means Success in Life?

Your son/daughter has no motivation in life?

Your children finding no interest in their academics?

Join Mr. Beng's Memory course! Our children can memorize 20 digit numbers at ease, and score for your exams! Let Mr. Beng teach you the principles that your child needs to SUCCEED IN LIFE!

Testimonial by Lee Ah Kau, 12 years old

"I used to score 1 A, now I am scoring 19 As in UPSR!"

Testimonial by Lim Ah Miao, 17 years old

"I used to hate studying, but now I am the top student in school!"

I have went to some of these. But before I give my testimonials to them, please bear with me for a while - consider my experience and credential.

2 Business/Life Concept courses

1 Self-Esteem/Motivation course

1 Options/FOREX course

1 Creativity/Memory course

These courses would sum up to about RM20,000. These course have led me to talk business with 1 CEO and 1 Director of different companies. Both are multimillion dollar companies. Well, my proposals didn't get through, but it was a good try. To give them their credit, my academics are pretty good - and I can memorize quite well.

This is not to boast - and there isn't much point in doing so, because anybody who knows me knows that I am nowhere near "SUCCESSFUL" as far as the advertisements define. It seems that every other course has promised you SUCCESS in LIFE! In my better moments, I really feel that these things have somehow given me a successful life... 

However, in my more sober moments, I know that these things mean very little

For the advertisers...

It seems as though an increase in self-esteem will lead to success. 

Or increase in memory will result in success. 

Having lots of money will give you success. 

Really?

I don't doubt that many people out there think that these things will give them lasting happiness somehow - though perhaps many of us doubt that secretly inside our hearts.

When I was in high school, Success meant marrying the hottest girl in school and having lots of money to spend, with a lot of people envying and respecting me. I catch myself thinking like that often - even these days. I know some braver friends who admits it, and I know tons of friends who are more shy who would not admit it.

What is success in life?

Success is like the IN-word, the BUZZ-word for all time. Everybody wants to be successful in life, well... maybe. But I don't know anyone who wants to be a failure in life. In aiming to be successful in life, many have tried all sorts of "successes".

Money.

Girls.

Sports.

Climb to the top of the corporate ladder.

Top the university.

Get famous.

In the end, what? Tell me, what? Many of us have grown "wiser" to realize that there ain't to many spots for a "future Bill Gates". Easier alternatives are cheap beer and free internet porn. They seem to be more convenient time-killers. But as the years go by, many have become indifferent to the question 

"What is this success in life that I yearn so much for?"

But that is okay. The business people aren't really interested in answering your question anyway. After figuring out that they are also confused with the issue...

"Hey, why not make money in the process?"

Hence - success courses. Let me be frank with you, of the people I have known or asked, none of them gives a clear answer. Forget about a good one. See, there are these "spiritual" and "philosophical" people who also got confused with the issue...

"Hey, why not make the question more complicated?"

I hate to say this. But since the media is pushing so much sex, the major shareholder of the future - the youths are "enlightened" by MTV...

" F*** success... wait... to get to F*** is SUCCESS "

I was in form 3 when I first heard from a girl telling me how she got "scored" by another guy. That guy must be pretty successful in the eyes of many high schoolers. I can testify to that. Talk about peer pressure at 14.

Then again, as time goes by - we learn how fleeting these moments are. Fleeting, like the mist in the morning that appears for a little while, then gone. 

I have heard the "happy family" theory too. They tell me fun friends and a close family is the "genuine" success. This is a little more tricky. The more innocent it sound, the trickier it is. I want to ask the people who told me these things whether it is consistent with the their experience in life - is it such a good definition that can apply to all humanity at all times... being all sufficient. I've learnt that the people who always look most innocent and blur, and probably worse off than those who reveal it on the outside. 

Like Chinese you know?

Let me start off with this. I work with Malay colleagues. They are decently hardworking people. I have hung around Chinese long enough to know that most Chinese think Malays are the laziest people on earth. Ah, but don't forget, I have also hung around Chinese long enough to know that they are so sly that it is hard to catch them slacking off. We are the best actors. Chinese Drama remember? It all started from Hong Kong - Chinese. 

Hollywood doesn't know acting for nuts - They know visual effects and the like. But real acting belong to the Chinese, on screen and off screen... Boss around, Boss not around. If Boss cannot catch you slacking off - SUCCESS! 

Come on - you and I, and perhaps every other person that you know seem to strive so hard for success in life. Couldn't it bother you to spend a little more time figuring out what success in life is - if it is indeed so important. 

Maybe, for a start - to know where you are heading? Why are you heading there? and where are you supposed to head anyway?

Do you?

ANYWAY........

On a happier note, 

Something my older sister said made me realize something. It went something like...

"Our language is not broken ( broken english, broken malay, etc), it is unified"

Now, it might sound terribly lame. Lets admit it, we speak broken-whatever.

But for the past 2 days working in Astro (my office being 70% Malays), I have made friends with 3 Malay colleagues. 

I used to call friends "fren"..

when I went Australia, I learnt that they call friends as "mates"

now I have a little more Malay friends... the word of the day is "member"

It is amazing, how Malay-English-Cantonese mixed up in one sentence is understood by all 3 major races in Malaysia. Mr. Mamak also knows them.

I hear of some Chinese with political ambitions wanting to unify Malaysia in one way or the other. Most of those I am heard goes something like: 

" I will be a top politician... then I will make laws that..."

" I will be a famous (insert-your-white-collar-profession-here)... then I will... "

Self centeredness World Champion... Chinese la...

Well, based on my 2 days experience only... with no political training in any way... the best thing that we Chinese can really do isn't becoming a politician or being famous or whatever to actually create change...

We should just...

Try making some Malay friends. 

.

.

.

.

.

.

They are nice people.

Dear Family, I Love You

I landed in Malaysia on Friday, and went to Cameron Highlands on Sunday. Now, Cameron Highlands is not a terribly exciting place as far as I can remember - but going with my family makes a whole world of difference.

Before going any further, let me highlight a few things. Typical things.

I am a male. I am a Chinese. I am 20 years old.

This means that I am not exactly the kind of person who is super close to the family. While abroad, instead of missing my family... I missed Malaysian food. My grandmother passed away a few weeks before my final exams, and I felt almost no emotion... though I somehow thought that I ought to be sad - but lets face it, I am not an emotional person somehow.

While in Australia, I made up my mind that I need to love my family more when I get back. I need to spend time with them - it might mean very boring things like going fishing with dad. I want to talk with my dad and show him some love. Just when you thought it should actually be an easy thing to do, let me tell you some things about my dad.

My dad is a hard man. He provides for the family, and I see sometime how he puts in effort to show us love. But like a typical Chinese father... discipline is what he is good at, soothing words of encouragement is... it is.... YUCK. I can't imagine my father doing that. But he is a responsible father. You get it. The nicer words come from the mother.

Bottom line is this, I know it is the right and good thing to love and respect my parents although I'm not emotional over it. I know it, I just have to do it even though I don't feel like it.

I anticipate this trip to be good - I can learn to love my parents by giving them my time. Besides that, my aunt and my cousin from singapore is coming in with 4 little children. My nephews and nieces. The last time I actually had a family trip of 13 people was probably when i was 3 or 4 years old. It blows my mind how little time we actually spend together as a family.

Before the story gets interesting, let me try to introduce to you all my family - and everybody in this trip.

Dad and niece(Shannon)... Left to Right (Duh!)

Cousin, little nephew, mom, Big Aunt (pardon the direct translation from Cantonese)

Brother, his girlfriend, sister, nephew(Yong Wei), niece(Shannon), me , mom...

little niece (Ying Si) in front

(Ahh, a clearer shot!)

Ying Si, Little Aunt, and my Kakak - Ning

(the housemaid for the lack of a better term)

me, mom, sister

Pardon me for the not-so-clear shots, I know you probably read many "chick blogs" and they have clear pictures - you can't compare me with them, they practice their photo taking skills all the time: On food, in changing rooms, in toilets, in cars (while their boyfriend is driving)... The thing is this - I don't.

Like I said, Cameron Highlands isn't a terribly exciting place. So there aren't many beautiful pictures in this post... The main characters in this post are my nephews and nieces. For some reason that I am not clear of, my cousins' families aren't that well. They are divorced.

Ying Si and Wen Kai is supported by a single mother, i.e. my cousin.

As for Yong Wei and Shannon, both of their parents are absent.

My cousin has to work, so she could earn enough to feed her kids. Now if you would ponder and think, you would work out that SOMEBODY has to take care of the 4 kids. Let me introduce you the superheroine

my Big Aunt (In Cantonese, a.k.a Tai Ku Ma)

To make matters more challenging. Besides taking care of 4 kids, she is 67 years old. As if that is not difficult enough, my little nephew Wen Kai suffers from some unknown brain issue... Whatever it is called, he probably has the intelligence of a kid a third of his age.

Their mother (my cousin) has spent a significant amount of money to find a cure for Wen Kai, but things just doesn't seem to work... However, Wen Kai has improved significantly over the years, although the sickness is around. He could at least walk now, and do a few more things.

During the trip - When it was near bed time, my mom and I sat around Big Aunt to listen to her stories raising up the children. It is hard work. Raising one is hard. There are four of them. If their parents were all around, the income of 2 families would be able to support them... but instead of 2 families, it is down to a single mother who is the bread-winner. My uncle (who would be older than 67) did not join us in this trip - he is still working... the economy is bad, he fears that taking leave from the boss will make him lose his job.

I don't know how my cousin would feel raising up Wen Kai, having no guarantee that he will be cured one day - good enough to take care of himself. Everybody seems to be in deep stress, and they survive from one day to the other. I suppose their source of strength comes from their love for the kids. Maybe they are just doing what they need to do.

After the trip, Big Aunt expressed gratitude to my dad for planning this trip, to bring the kids out for a holiday. She was crying as she said her thanks. Seriously, I have no idea how much it meant to her. But somehow, I know it means a lot. She loves the kids, but the demands of life are unmerciful.

As I ponder over all these, I am reminded of my dreams of being famous, rich, respected, etc etc. They all seem so childish now. No, they are not childish... they are self centered. Yes, self-centered and selfish. Without saying anything, my Big Aunt's life shame me, as well it should. Her selfless service challenges my desire to indulge in the passing pleasures of this world. It has occured to me that I am already much more privileged than many people in the world who has to scrape the ground to search for food.

There is a Chinese saying that goes like this :

Living in prosperity yet not recognizing it

Life just isn't fair - isn't it? There are people like me who has enough money to spend, more than enough time to waste... and there are people slogging their whole lives so that they can meet ends. Perhaps, something is expected of me. As the Bible puts it: to him whom much has been given, much more will be expected. Spiderman stole it.

Now that I think of it, I remember Jesus who died as a criminal. Jesus - the Saviour of the World who laid down His Life so that our sins could be forgiven by God... Jesus was charged as a criminal who was rebelling against the Roman Government - through the hands of wicked men who framed Him as a blasphemous person... He was nailed on the cross. He could have gave up half way, but He went through all that was necessary for me, for you, for the whole world. Jesus counted the Joy of saving the world greater than the suffering and humiliation He had to go through.

Here am I, calling myself a Christian. My plan - as much as possible - is to spend the rest of my life preaching the Gospel, and to spend my money for the sake of telling others about Jesus. God's love gives me a taste for heavenly things: Without God, I could love no one, but only fall in love with my sin... digging my own grave.

Having planned out my life IN DETAIL...The next step is the hard part.

Joel

while you still can.

The time will come when everything is over, and you will meet your Maker - it won't be too late to take a rest and enjoy at that time. For now, work - rain or shine, work for the things that will matter for eternity.

Worries and Spending Money

After sleepless nights worrying about sitting for the exam itself, I no longer worry about them anymore - since they are over. Just before I shout Yippee!!! too fast - one of the things that wake me up (before the exams were over) is a small little voice at the back of my head...

"Joel, do you think they will moderate the marks for your Mathematics and Control Systems paper?"

"Do you think if you did well for your Electronics paper, the marks will compensate for those you loss in the earlier papers?"

Now that exams are over, I can't shout Yippee!!! either, because now another subject wakes me up...

"Joel, do you think your Mobile and Satellite Communications paper will make up for the marks you lost?" - "You really did make tons of careless mistakes!"

This little voices that wakes me up drives me crazy. Yet, deep within my heart, I didn't want such things to make me go crazy. It feels as though I am placing too much emphasis on my studies - so much so that I am depraving myself of setting my priorities right in life. This is no good, I start taking things for granted - and forget to be happy about the things I ought to be very thankful for.

After reading the Bible, I learn that my goal in life is not to live a life that is "successful" as the world measures it. Neither should I continue thinking of God as one who supports my fanciful fantasies of fame, success, wealth, and whatever-nots. I remember sending my mother an sms right before my final exam. She replied very quickly saying things like -

"I claim the promises of God for you! That Jesus will help you through every battle! You will conquer them in Jesus name!"

Things along those lines. The "battles in life" that she was mentioning was an exam paper...

I realize that it must be difficult for her to come to terms with the Bible - that "battles in life" isn't about academic or career success. I find it difficult too. It revealed itself when I started neglecting God as the exams pile up. I pray so much more at the examination table than my whole week outside the exam hall summed up.

What has my life become? What has my aim in life become? What has my knowing of God become? Is "battles in life" reduced to simply an endless pursuit of my fancies? What then is the difference between me as a Christian and a non-Christian?

I know the answers as to what I ought to do. And making a U-turn in my heart, to realize my faults, to own it up, and to commit myself to a clear and rational mind that desires God above everything I hold dear to (my studies, my dream-future-wife, my reputation, my petty selfish fears)...

That journey that I am somewhat familiar with, is one of the longest journeys I have ever taken in my life. This is one battle in my life. One I have to fight. Talk about fighting for someone you love - I'm far from being as noble as that, I am fighting for my very own humanity.

Its not even fighting, its really owning up - and admit that I have been living careless, and to turn around. Some... Many people think I overreact/overrespond, but if we look at our lives carefully, we will always notice that the many pitfalls we get ourselves into always started with the first wrong step. Too few things in life happen suddenly. Yet somehow, when God opens our eyes to see our faults, we get surprised. I am an idiot for that, but thank God for helping me realise that.

So often, I see the mistakes that I make in others. So often, I want to warn them and correct them - desiring that they would not fall into the things I fall into... but I know my life fails to be a good testimony. But that is also good, then they know I am not trying to teach them as a teacher, but warning them as a brother.

Talking about brothers - I remember some pretty wise saying from my older brother - Noel Lee Chee Leong

He said
"You must learn how to spend money more than how to
earn money"

I asked
"Why?"

He replied
"If you can't find a good reason to spend your money, why would you want to earn any money?"

My brother loves me, and protects me - I thank God for him. More than that, I hope my brother will come to know Jesus.

I'm heading back to Malaysia in about a week. There are so many things I learnt here in FOCUS. I doubt 3 months in Malaysia would be anywhere near sufficient to share the many experiences trying to live a Christian life I had with my friends and family. So much to do, so little time.

To make up for that, I bought books. Books that I would speak of as "I readeth, therefore I am". They are books with the very ideas that make me who I am. Well written by fellow Christians, explaining the Bible clearly and accurately.

I bought more than 30 books.
Its crazy.
It costs crazy too.
But it is worth it.

There are those for my dad, some for my mom.
Some for my pastors, some for my friends in church.
A little more for my special friend not in church.

Being as self centered as I am, I'm pretty glad that God gives me some good desires.

What more can I desire for my dad to come to know Jesus?
I desire the same thing for my mother, my sister, and my brother.

I truly desire my pastor to preach the Bible well - so that many more may come to know the Wonderful Saviour of the world - Jesus my God and King. I desire for my Christian friends to know Jesus more, to give their whole lives to Jesus, and to run this race on earth well.

I desire that my friends who are not with Jesus, to find out about this Jesus that died for their sins, my sins and the sins of the world.

Its crazy for me speak in this way and to say out what the kind of "Christian" desires. I know my life doesn't match it. I would despise myself if I saw myself in some other body. But because I am myself, I don't quite despise myself that much. The longer I live, the more my eyes grieve as I see myself in my short comings.

When I thought I was less materialistic, when I thought I was more patient and loving - how much further can I be from the truth! It is despairing.

The good thing is that I know I don't have to be fatalistic about this - I have Jesus. The whole idea that Jesus will continue to do His work in my heart so that I will become more and more like him - its so simple, its almost something that my pride cannot take. But I better do.

I'm so glad that I can spend money buying Christian books, I'm even more glad that I can practice Christianity... Jesus-ianity... Yeah...

There is this little voice that crosses my head every now and then...

I may board the aeroplane, but God knows if it will crash,or there will be some terrorist, or whatever - and I may not land where I want to. Maybe I will land where I want to, but maybe in more than one piece. If that happens, I have wasted such a big chucnk of my life thinking of things I ought not to be thinking about, and wasting time as I ought not to be wasting - the books that I bought, I will never be able to read them. My family will cry... Maybe some friends.I.Hope.Maybe.Maybe not.

If there is any better time to take the U-turn, it must have been yesterday.

Con Job

Today, I met an Indonesian - at least he introduced himself that way. I met him while I was walking back from Uni. He told me that his atm card is lost because he entered a wrong pin number - the bank said he has to come back tomorrow to get the card, and he has no money to pump petrol to go home. He told me the situation was embarassing, and he wanted 20 dollars.

I only had a 50-dollar note. So I went away to look for change... a couple who sat nearby had 48.80 in change, and I said it was okay for them to give me 48.80 dollars. From a distance I could see him make a call to his friend describing his embarassing situation.

And so I gave that man 20 dollars. He thanked me, asked me if I wanted to take down his number so he could repay me again tomorrow in Uni. My mind was thinking, do I want him to repay me? Well, I'm not doing charity here, but I didn't want him to feel bad... so I said it was okay, he can take down my number and call me at his leisure.

As i left the scene, far enough almost to lose sight of him - I saw him approach an australian student...

Con man?

Well, as I think of it again now - I'm not so bothered as to whether I was cheated or not. I was just thinking... if I can do it again, would I have done it differently?

I was thinking, if Jesus was there - and since God would know the thoughts and intentions of a man's heart... He would have known that it was a con job. Knowing that, would he have given?

Now, I didn't know that man nor his intentions - but it wasn't hard to test.

1. He said he had no money to pump petrol, I could ask him to bring me to his car if he even had one.
2. I could check whether he really made a call by checking his phone.
3. Banks are closed on Saturdays - they shouldn't be asking him to come back tomorrow unless it is a wierd bank that opens on Saturday.

Even if I didn't do this, I could have ran back to the Australian student and verify if he used the same excuse. I didn't even make him put a miss call on my phone!

My mind is thinking : Joel, if you can get conned by such a thing, you must be a real idiot.

But my mind is also thinking: Would I lie and tell him I don't have 20 dollars? Or would I tell him that I think he is a con man and he doesn't deserve 20 dollars... Maybe I will tell him - here is 20 dollars, REMEMBER that I am a Christian...

(Just so he knows that he conned a Christian, and even if he doesn't see me anymore in this life, he better remember that Jesus is going to judge him... and he better repent this life or face the consequences when he meets Jesus the Judge)... well, its just typical of me to like thinking that everything I do have some good consequences even if it isn't handled the best way.

Sometime ago I was talking with some friends and we happened to talk about giving money to beggars. Some of them told me that the beggars were con men and they are pretty well off really, living off the pity of gullible people.

After some thought, I said... I would give them money anyway even if they are con men. They are in such a depraved state, their actions are not worthy of any honour (I think beggars have more honour than them)... I would pity them and give them the money.

On the other hand, if they are not con men, and I didn't give them the money they need to eat dinner the same night - than I am being merciless and have caused a man to go starving...

I said that with the idea that giving would mean a few ringgit... not 20 dollars which would convert to about 50 ringgit now. What I did today - I have very little idea if I did the right thing. If he didn't get 20 dollars off me, he would have gotten it off another person. If he did get 20 dollars off me (which he did), he would go around to get more 20 dollars anyway.

If I exposed him in public... I don't know what will happen. Is his dignity worth 20 dollars? Or is it that I am so gullible - that my intelligence is worth less than 20 dollars? I would like to think of it as the former. I mean - I would like to think of myself as a good person. Yet I know... I thank God didn't create my forehead with a screen that would display all my thoughts, cos that would be disasterous...

I know deep in my heart - not only short comings and weaknesses... but also the struggles with lust and all sorts of temptations and laziness that I have to face everyday.

I'm happy that Crystal thinks well of me. I really am happy of that. Having said that, I have to maintain a cool head and not get carried away. After all, it is pretty easy to live like a damn confident person who has no flaws when others only see us once in a while. I have friends that think well of me too... but the better they think well of me, the more I realize that they must know who I really am and what I struggle with.

Or else, they might just be living with an imaginary Joel. Neither do I want to live the life of an imaginary Joel. Very much like infatuation... She is so pretty, she is so hot, she is so smart, she is so perfect... She is flawless.

I have to deal with sin seriously and work on godliness... even if I can hide it from others, I won't be able to hide it from my wife... even if I hide it from my wife, God will see. And maybe the issue isn't really whether someone would catch me doing the wrong things and saying the wrong words...

It is just about wanting to give the genuine best to the people that I value in life. Though I am far away from that ideal- and I doubt I will ever reach that in this life... The little things that I need to remember is that both the journey and the destination is important.

Jesus promises in the Bible that one day I will be free from this sinful body (and it isn't in this life on earth but in heaven). Until then(and onwards), I will live an honest and transparent life... I will make honest effort, because I know that I am not alone in this effort. I know that God is helping me, and by making this effort - I also encourage others who are making the same effort, as well as receiving their encouragement simply by persevering.

Con job? Should I have given or shouldn't I have given?
I really don't know. My answers to my friends wouldn't be as definite as before. (back of my head: I don't mind getting cheated of 5 ringgit.... but 50 ringgit is a bit too much...)

Well, for the very least, I don't want to con myself to live an imaginary life.
For the very least, I want people to expect honesty from me.
For that, I better be honest to myself.

The Round Ball

My friend who guided me much in my life a season in my life - Josh always this:

"Life is like a round ball"

It was one of those corny lines like - Life is like a box of chocolates sort of thing. I don't ever remember him explaining what he meant by "Life is like a round ball"... but one thing I know, life goes on and on - like a round ball. You can be happy, you can be sad, life goes on... You may be half alive, you might be on top of the world... life goes on. Even if you die one day, the world just goes on.

Assignments come and go, different seasons in our life poses us different challenges... the challenges we faced and the decisions we made about them seems so childish now. But it did not look that childish back then. Should I live a few more years down the road, perhaps I would laugh at the reasons why I get depressed today.

Life going on and on - I learn that I could be the kind of person that never grows up. Very much like Love songs. The boyband sings about losing the one he loves 10 years ago, and they will continue singing about the same thing 10 years later. Perhaps I'm that kind of person, I'm afraid that in a few years time, I will become depressed over the things that depress me now. Since 7 years ago, I feel insecure and inferior over... more childish things... 7 years later, I feel insecure and inferior over childish things of a higher class. A more sophisticated kind of childishness.

It makes me think quite a bit how I live now. Behave your age? What do you mean by behave your age? I just cannot lose touch with my generation. As much as I want to keep in touch, the years of lonely thoughts have seperated me very much from... good and simple things in life. I don't think I know how to enjoy the company of another person. I always paint a picture of a perfect 10 in my mind, and tend to only praise people who are able to do the best - not so much their best.

Why? Who told me that "this is a real and practical world"? "If your perfect 10 is not the practical perfect 10 of the world, then it is no perfect 10"... I know the effort people put into their work. And many times... your perfect 10 is something harder to achieve than the world's perfect 10 - but why Joel? You know that it is hard to "give your all"... but why do you measure things the way the world measures?

This whole world is about relationships. Your mindset will kill you if you don't change. Like a round ball, you will continue living - but you will be more dead than alive. There are things that are worth giving up...

My mindset has defined me. My mindset is not only unhelpful (though helpful in certain things), but it is destructive to this world. You are a chaos, you are an outlaw, you are unloving... There are things I am willing to give up. I want to give up my thoughts. I want a new beginning. I want an assurance of a chance to turn a new leaf. I want to die to myself... so I can live. I am rotten beyond change, I need a new beginning - yet I the ugliness in me is pushing me to look like a perfect 10...

It is like...

Joel, if you repent, you have to get it right the first time you do it. How can you ever be wrong? SHIT Joel. You can be wrong and you are damn wrong at this point. You have conversations with yourself more than you have with God plus other people. Now, don't even try to turn your reluctance into a philosophy - and join in the league of the geniuses of self-denial. You hate it, and the reason is simple.

Fear. Fear is such an amazing things. It doesn't kill you, but it drains off your life. A life of paralysis. Thats what you are fighting Joel. You are fighting your fear to fight. What if they laugh and what if they sneer?

Do it anyway. But let me assure you my dear boy, they won't be laughing at you and sneering at your. The people around you care for you more than you ever cared for yourself. They see the simple things you will never see. And as pessimistic as this world is, I have got to give them the credit and put some faith in them to change me. Why be an individual?

I want to be an individual. But I realize that the prize of being an individual...well, I don't know what is the prize of being an "individual"... but I know whatever the prize is, I will take it alone. There is no one to celebrate with if there was ever such a prise - "The best individual in the world". There are people in my life that I love enough, to be willing to lose myself.

I can't always sit around and hope for some big-time-life-changing-event to come. Today is the life changing event. If today you cannot make a wise decision with a cool head, what makes me think I can make a better one when my head is hot? This is the problem with you Joel. You actually quarrel with yourself. You know it isn't an angel-devil-voice-in-the-head, you know it is just you who tries to want everything.

Hey Joel, sometimes having everything - even if it is possile... isn't the best thing. If everybody has too much, how can anybody share anything? If nobody lacks, how can we show love? Why on earth do you have the dumb idea that "much is good"? Well, you know you are not fully convinced that the whole idea of "much is good" is dumb... there is some measure of truth in there.

Sigh...

I know what I want. I want to live a normal life. This year I am 20. I am at my prime. I can't afford losing time. In my mind, I am a little glad that I am learning through this all. If you never said no... I would be living in dreamland. But now that you said no, I thank you. It has been long since I realized that life ain't a bed of roses. There are things that cannot be rushed... growth takes time, but I know that there is such a thing as "refusing to grow up".

I want to grow up well.
I want to grow up well.
I want to grow up well.

I am a boy.but I cannot stay a boy forever. I may know a little more things, but if I stay a boy... the good things I know will one day be my stumbling block. I don't want to grow old without growing up. I know many old people who has never grown up. Yet because of the very same reason, I know that I do not love them enough to give them my life to love them enough to teach them.

Grow up Joel. Learn to do something good without hoping for a reward. Learn to consider growth a reward. Learn to consider giving as a blessing. I know people who consider giving as a blessing because it gives them some self worth... No, I don't want my worth to be defined by my giving.

I want to cry. I want to cry. I want to cry. I want to cry because I know nobody can change my mind. I am in dire need of some love and support. I will degrade from boy to baby. But perhaps that is one thing I need to learn, to be humble enough to accept help. After all, whether I grow up or not... life goes on.

Rubbish Talk

One thing about being in FOCUS Bible Study Group - I have come to realize that the "extra knowledge" that I have fades in comparison with reading the Bible properly. Knowing a little bit more about psychology, philosophy, and history certainly did help me understand certain concepts better in the world...

But I couldn't help but notice how sometimes this knowledge distorts what is obvious and simple before my eyes. Just like my frist exam paper - the question was exactly like the past year paper... the difference was the guy changing the values from 5mm to 6mm. I overanalyzed (with some pretty flawed logic) and with some wierd understanding... I wrote in the paper that there was a problem with the question, and started deriving basic formulas to get the answer...

Which, was obviously wrong.

As the discussions in Bible Study continued, I was glad that I kept my mouth shut at certain times - or else I will start looking like some glorified smart alec.

What I am being exposed to is that the Bible is sufficient for an average person to learn about God. We just have to read it for what it is.

As I learn more, it irritates me more and more how I hear of people over-spiritualizing the Bible for what it is not, preaching revelations that God never heard, majoring on the minors and minoring on the major (issues).

I had a talk with a lecturer recently, and I have come to understand the term "liberal" and "conservative" more.

Of course their views do not fully represent the whole group's thinking...

but a liberal might think of the Bible as a "guide book" instead of a "rule book". More of a story rather than history. A moral lesson and not a historical fact. i.e. they are more "liberal" with their theology. Liberals would call conservatives "fundamentalists".

of course, fundamentalists/conservatives would argue that they are just simply following the Bible. They say that liberals don't take God's Word as God's Word.

I have never really thought of this dimension of conflict before.

The ones that I have encountered before are:

Mainstream Christianity vs Christian Sects (Jehovah Witnesses, Mormons, Christian Science)
Protestant Christianity vs Roman Catholicism
Intelligent Design vs Evolution
Arminianism vs Calvinism
Christianity vs Other Religions
Christianity vs Atheism
Book-by-book Biblical Preaching vs Topical Biblical Preaching

now, I can add to the list:
Liberal vs conservative

I looked up to my liberal lecturer. He lectures in Math and also New Testament Greek. This was one of the things I wanted to achieve.

One who masters the science and the arts.

Leonardo da Vincci. but he was a polymath, a genius. I probably won't get there, but if I could get near... He was the model of the "Renaissance man". Ever curious, ever learning, GENIUS!

but today I learnt one thing from Joshua. He said this:

"Really, knowing a lot of things does not mean that you know the Bible well. It is that attitude that we have when we come to read God's Word, isn't it? to be humble ..."

I used to have the logic, if I become a "glorified man" in the eyes of people, that is - to have good reputation, superior knowledge, perhaps what I say might have more impact. For example: Albert Einstein is so often quoted as saying "God doesn't play dice". Intelligent Deseign proponents so often use this line to say that Albert Einstein does not believe in Evolution.

I have to agree - people are normally convinced by very few things.

1) What a lot of people say
2) What some famous person say ( or so they think of as authoritative figures )

But I have known a few things about myself - to know that sometimes I crap about things I don't know. To keep up with the image. I mean, come on - I may know a little bit about people to guess motives and analyze people like I would analyze some cell - but who am I to start speaking authoritatively about many other things? Politics? I know nuts. Education? I know nuts.

I have read some politicians blog, seemingly exposing injustuce, they also blog about religion. As a person who is interested in religion ( and I think I know a fair bit about the issue ), I read his flawed explanations and lousy arguments that only wold convince ignorant people. Like I used to think sleeping together ( that is... just sleeping ) somehow creates babies.

Arguments that fool innocent ignorant people. But since they are famous, they are perceived to be authoritative - and the culture around us is teaching us to be stupid.

WATCH MORE DRAMAS!

THINK LESS!

JUST BE ENTERTAINED!

GO WITH THE FLOW!

A few things I have to know. Though I am somewhat proud of studying engineering (to which when asked why I study engineering, I tell them it trains my thinking), yet I need to know that being good in logical thinking (as much as it is helpful), this knowledge does not commend me before God.

This is where intellectuals might disagree. When they try to rationalize that God accepts just about anyone into heaven ( playing down the issue of sin ), they say that God looks at the heart ( though it is full of wickedness ). But when they are respected by men (though not by God) because of their advance knowledge, they are not willing that God looks at their heart only. They want God to look at whatever they look at. They want to make God see things their way.

And this is dangerous to me, because I have the tendency to do so even more, since I am a more dominant type of person. I will get my way. Even as an ordinary person not being Christian, thinking logically, we ought to know that one person who is good in Chemistry might be a sucker in History.

This is a message to myself that I ought not to be proud, because the Bible writes so clearly -

"Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up"

This is a terrible issue in the church actually. Pastors who have read the Bible here and there a little bit, after reading a few famous authors - approaches the Bible with a notion that they know it already. Using the Bible to support their private arguments. And of course, they learnt it from another person who spoke that way. I trust that they are still sincere, yet many of us Christians know the phrase that "one can be sincerely wrong".

Sometimes we use that line to describe a person of another faith - "sincerely wrong". I agree with that, yet we also have issues within the church that we can be (and are) sincerely wrong about. The same way we say that a Christian guy is no more immune to sexual temptations than a non Christian guy.

The society is filled with rubbish talk. It has been high time for a thousand years that we ought to be more sober than we are and understand that the world is not a neutral place. It is a battle. While half of America thinks that they are fighting in Iraq - A war against terrorism. Another half which thinks that there shouldn't be a war, are fighting in the white house for ceasefire ( or peace in their opinion ).

Peace is one of those things that won't naturally come. Peace have to be fought for. We might want peace, but we live with chaotic people in a chaotic world. It is high time that we grow up.

There has been much superstition, mythologies, and crazy notions in the world. Please don't let such things permeate the church. May the Word of God be preached for what it is.

For the sake of being truthful to God - preach the Word of God faithfully.
For the sake of teaching people sound logic - preach the Word of God faithfully.
For the sake of being effective in proclamation - preach the Word of God faithfully.
For the sake of understanding world issues - preach the Word of God faithfully.
For the sake of the satisfaction within our souls - preach the Word of God faithfully.

Contentment

Post Summary:



I'm proposing that not knowing how to appreciate a good thing is effectually worse than not having a good thing. And all this relates to Gratitude and Ingrattitude. I hope this addition of summary will help the reader to have a frame to think with, and better understand the article.



When I have received a good thing but then I know not how to appreciate it - and assuming a Bell Curve for good and bad things. I have received much of the "positive" end - yet I cannot recognize it - it is then irrelevant whether I will receive better things or not.

For those who are not in mathematics or Engineering - Bell Curve, is some probability system that says ( in this context ), on average, a person will face very few extremely bad things, some average bad things, a lot of "middle" things, some good things, and very few extremely good things in life. It is also called the normal distribution.

Take 2 persons: John and Cassie

John received few good things in life - therefore within himself, he continues to hunger for good things. Probability tells me that he will soon be satisfied and he will live in enjoyment. Probabilty tells him his hope has some measure of grounds to it. Assuming a Bell Curve, being at the 70-percentile, he can look forward to the 30 more percent that he has yet to receive.

Cassie received much good in life, yet she does not know how to appreciate it. She knows she has little to expect. at the 90th-percentile, she wonders if 90% is so tasteless, what more could an additional increase of 10% give. She is worse off compared to John, although she has retained her present comfort, yet she has lost her hope for better things. For she cannot between what is good and better anymore.


Really, what is a good thing to receive in life is eyes to see the present good.
I am talking about myself, though I do not doubt that many people need the same eyes too.

Gratitude.

Gratitude has got to come with humility. Pride trumpets self-sufficiency. One may be strong enough in life to be self-sufficient in certain areas in life, yet a self-sufficient attitude breeds an independent spirit. Not the good kind of independance, but the kind that causes ingratitude.

And ingratitude - is blindness towards goodness.

Ingratitude kills joy faster than anything else, since it robs the joy of receiving gifts - for gratitude springs from the fact that we know we are receiving goodness that we do not deserve. And truly, a physical lack of nourishment can be easily be fulfilled in our part of the world, yet an emotional and spiritual void, what can fill?

Humility in our world is such a low word. The voices call "flaunt it!" yet, a wise person would choose humilty than 'flaunt it' - for he knows the true winner is the one who enjoys much, not as simplistic as just having much.

And isn't the secret of contentment simply true gratitude?

I'm not being content. Now, i'm not so worried to have less - but that I'm blind.

God, please open my eyes. Not only mine, but the eyes of the many people of this world.

Stress and God

Since 2 Saturdays ago, I have been spending most of my waking hours studying.

Waiting in front of library at 9 am since it opens at 10 am.
Rushing to McD for lunch.
Staying in the library till evening when it closes on weekends.
Staying till library until 10 pm when it closes.
Vector Analysis was last Friday.
Complex Analysis was on Monday.
Today, there were TWO papers. Electrical Energy. Analogue and Digital Communications.

The stress has been building all the while. I told Kenneth on Friday - I know when I enter eternity, all these tests will seem like nothing. In heaven, I won't remember the tests and exams - they will no longer matter. BUT, as menial they may look from and eternal point of view, I am trapped in this shell here where I can only imagine the word everlasting and forever, tests and exams is still a stressful matter.

On Friday, not only I shared with him about my studies and the headache that it gives me, I also asked him about marriage. He is married - he knows better. What if your Christian brother and you went after the same girl? What does your wife mean to you - surely it is not a Christian thing to view your wife as a bigger than life thing? Do your dreams intertwine, or does she conform to your dream?

As the questions would show, I had more than mere academic stress. I have to admit that sometimes "taking things as it is" seems to be so much more convenient, and in the matters of relationships, it seems to be helpful to "just be natural". Yet, I am stuck to the habit of planning and calculating.

I will count how much stress I will face the coming week since my "Digital Signal Processing" test is yet to come...20 marks there...How much weightage for my whole semester...

At times, it seems that the only way to reduce stress is to distract myself. Yet, at the back of my head, the memory of "something is still yet to be done" keeps coming over and over again.

Studies - Future - relationship - Future - Friends - Future - Tick Tock Tick Tock - It isn't resolved yet - How should I plan? Though my eyes stare into empty space, they see more than my mind can contain.

Friday, I did my Vector Analysis pretty well. Should be getting good marks. Yet, getting good marks should be the normal thing. Not that I really embrace high marks, it is simply my responsibility - that is what it is like when I'm not under FAMA scholarship.

Yet, I have no time to celebrate. I have another 4 papers. Friday night, I rested. Saturday it was studies. Once in a while when I am doing my math, I catch myself wondering about my future wife, what I would do when I finish my degree - while making sense of simply taking studies as a matter of responsibility, but also to learn how it is the means of some sort of end. As I grow to know more and to want more, I realize that I have control over less and less things - it makes me nervous.

A battle rages in my heart. The circumstances humble me, yet my ego chooses to think that I might still have some more control - I persuade, I dissuade, I plan, and I review the things I do, making sure everything will go according to plan - like a relay, there comes a point in time to realize that the baton is meant to be passed. I fret within myself over the things I cannot change.

There is a saying " God give me wisdom to change the things I can change, God give me the peace to accept the things I cannot change ". Yet I keep asking - Can this be changed? Surely, if I truly know if one thing cannot be changed - I won't, but I argue with myself, how sure are you that you cannot change. And many times, fighting for change is an uphill slope - and there is one thing about people who likes challenges in life:

Sometimes we take up a challenge simply because it is a challenge.

All I need is pride to do it.
I can grow smarter and wiser throughout the years. I can own more throughout the years. Yet, pride will never fail to blur my vision.

Why am I so stressed? I take upon myself things that I want to - for some reason that I would consider stupid from hindsight.

As I stepped into the classroom, the question paper for Vector Analysis came. The first question required me to "integrate by parts" - but instead of having two parts... there are three parts. How on earth can I integrate three parts? I start remembering spending more than 12 hours on Saturday alone to study for this subject... and now for a 10 mark paper - I can't answer the first question which carries 4 marks?

the test was 25 minutes, and I spent more than 5 minutes on the 4 marks question writing nonsense - I felt uneasy - no I was feeling frustration. I know that tests and exams are not something crucial in life, in 10 years time, who will remember that I lost marks in this paper? BUT, I PUT IN EFFORT! Don't tell me I put in effort to have it wasted! Impossible...
This would explain how I spent 10 minutes for the other 6 marks... and 15 minutes writing more nonsense on a 4 mark question.


Having no time to rest, I have less than 3 days to prepare for 2subjects, 3 chapters each. Tuesday night and Wednesday night, I slept for about 2-3 hours each day. Pumping myself with caffeine was the strategy. I can't lose marks - It is not a Joel thing. Studies became bigger and bigger. Yes there is God. But oh God, surely you don't understand what I am going through?

Surely You do - I acknowledge You being here, but what difference is it? At times I realize that God isn't about me - He didn't create a million galaxies and sent His Son to die a torturous death so I can get High Distinction for my paper? Surely God understands, yet there is a gap between the "here and now" and the "there and the future"

For this period, I neglected reading God's Word. I somehow "integrated" everything - reminding myself of God as I walk to classes and in between classes, and "thank you God for the food" as I realize that dinner is served. I wanted to have peace and assurance, but the heapful of notes that jeers at me, along with some 6 variable equations that I ought to memorize/understand - gave me somewhat a kind of "peer pressure". Who said that peers only have to be humans?

In the midst of frustration, I turned everywhere but to God. I turned to the phone. I turned to Youtube - watched power Rangers and CyberCop. I amaze myself of my resourcefulness. i jumped like an idiot around my room singing songs out of tune. I was almost going to go crazy. With the lack of sleep, and the cappuccino - my heart beat was somewhat beating twice as fast all the time. My eyes were awake and my head was thumping - and I will study through the night until 4:30 am.

Finally at about 5:30 am this morning I slept.

I was thinking, I didn't really sleep. If I did, it was probably an hour. Setting my alarm at 7 a.m. i woke up 3 times before 7 a.m. I was worried that I would not have enough time to do my last minute revision. Paper 1 was at 9a.m., paper 2 was at 12p.m. With a bad headache, I slept again.


and I dreamt.

I was washing my hands in a toilet. Suddenly there was a commotion outside the toilet. I hear people calling my name in cantonese.

"Joel, why are you so slow? Hurry and see!"
"Quick"

Pushing people aside, I ran out to see what happened.

It was my dad. A vein burst in his head, and he couldn't move. He was paralyzed, top down. his face looked lost. His faced looked helpless and a few people tried to hold him up preventing him from falling down.

Yet as I emerged from the crowd, my dad saw my face. And he smiled. It was a smile of contentment. I could see from his eyes:

"Its all good, thats my boy coming, thats my son!"

He was proud about his son, me. He was happy.

The voice of the crowds that jeered at my irresponsibility faded - the smile of acceptance from my father made it all good.

I looked at him, and my heart was touched, I was sad, yet I was happy - for that smile.

Then I woke up.

I stood up, walked to the back of house and looked out the window. My mind was awake, my heart was at peace. I looked up heaven. Simply still there, I considered creation, the beauty of it. Then I thought about my family - My father, mother, brother and sister.

"God... thank You. I have much. These are wonderful things You gave me. Thank You God for my father. My mother. My brother. My sister. My friends. Please save them. You show me what is good in life, and I am happy and I want to thank You for it. Thanks. My tests... Please take care of them. I think I'm okay if I don't get high marks, though I wish that somehow You will still give me grades."

I prayed.

Images of my family, and many issues flashed before my eyes. I was relieved. I had peace. There was still headache - but there was peace.

at 7:20a.m. I left the house for University - I still had two papers, grabbed cappuccino and started revising.

I sat for my Analogue and Digital Communication paper. I think I should be getting more than 80 marks for that paper.

Then I studied for my Electrical Energy paper during the break. For two hours, I suddenly understood everything that I did not understand the night before. I grew happy - yet I was distracted by the somewhat frightening thought that God is involved somehow. It somewhat a nervous thought to think that God is helping so actively now - as He always does in my life.

12 p.m.

I finished the 1 hour paper in 20 minutes. I'm confident that i am getting full marks for the paper.

Today, I am not just happy.

Happiness is a small thing. I am contented.

Contented that God did not work according to my schedule. Because of my immaturity and pride, he allowed me to go through a stressful period - with no signs of curing my stress. In the morning, He showed me what is truly important. He showed me the good things that I was blind to. To see something that I had, was almost like gaining the things themselves.

As I type this, peace and joy fills my heart.

My assurance is my God's character. God, when I grow up, I want to be just like You.