Recently I've been privileged to talk with a few guys and girls about relationships, gone through more than a dozen failures myself - almost enough to see recurring patterns.
I think for every guy that seems to "score" with a girl, there are many others who "failed" halfway. Most of the time, they would come to a point which could be described as "feeling of inferiority", "no confidence", or many other things which could be traced back to this.
"So many guys are going after her, I am just one of them"
"She is so pretty/rich/smart...sigh"
"I probably cannot really support her"
However, thanks to some really honest girl friends who help me identify what they look for in a man, their experiences, and also to a girl that I love (we are good friends now) telling me how she interpreted my actions - which I could compare my own intentions with and find points where ideas differ and are misunderstood. Without further introduction, we will look at the first point of misinterpretation and misunderstanding.
1. They say bad guys score. The good guys go last. That is not exactly true. When I asked girls in general and also through personal experience and second hand accounts on two criteria that are important in simply accepting a guy's courtship.
If you could choose one quality in the guy to be much stronger than the other, which one would you want? Respectable man or lovable man?
The answer was respectable. Love is important, but respect is more important.
A woman has got to be secure and feel secure around the man. She has got to trust in his protection and direction. Not that the man demands respect from the woman, but the man just has to be confident and secure, and know what he is doing - this commands respect. It is not easy to feel secure around an insecure man. Perhaps the word man should be replaced with boy. Both like adventures and games, but one is stable, the other is not. Adventure and humor will be covered later, the idea of respect being more important that love should now catch our attention.
The story seem to be always quite the same. The guy wants to care for her problems, listen to all her woes, and always "be there". If the girl is some super hot sexy chick (it seems that the word beautiful girl means very normal looking, so different words have to be used to demonstrate the intensity of the physical appeal), chances are that she have more than a million guys doing that for her. To listen to her problems, to hear her woes, until it must be a routine - and a very boring routine at that.
Then of course, any polite person will thank you for caring to hear their issues. This is where the guy thinks he is some exclusive member of her fan club. How on earth did so many guys come up with the assumption that she needed somebody to listen to her anyway? I am not denying that they have to be heard, but from what I see in the "hot girls" scenario, that need is overrated.
I think the issue lies in the man. Many guys these days are torn between 2 things. Ego and insecurity. The media tend to make 80% of the less physically appealing people (nonetheless beautiful) feel insecure. The 20% flaunts it further, so much so that words like "bimbo" and "bitch" is more common than "damsel in distress". However, wounded as we are deep within, ego prevents us from fully expressing ourselves honestly, and expressing it in a free way. So many people are pressured to put up an act, so much so that some of us guess that the other guy who doesn't seem to have much "demonstrated insecurity" are really more secure. We then shy away. The truth is perhaps the modern male needs to be heard. He needs a platform to express his feelings. He needs it, and he needs it badly. He is on the verge of indifference and despair towards the human race.
However, a guys need could be very different from the ladies' need. Perhaps there are girls out there who are less popularized by the media since they are just averagely physically appealing, perhaps they need to be heard. But I honestly pity the super hot chicks, it seems as if every other guy coming their way is hitting on them, digging out their sad stories and inviting them for breakfast and lunch and dinner. Perhaps those things are thrilling for a moment, however it becomes degrading after a while. It is somewhat like asking a girl to enjoy being Paris Hilton. If you don't get the statement, its okay, drop it.
The guys want thing to go her way. Let us go to where she wants to eat.
Guy: " where do you want to eat?"
Girl: (trying to give him a chance to lead) "I'm alright, you can decide"
Guy: "It's okay, we will go where you like"
And the whole thing goes on for the next couple of hours. See, the guy might be thinking of pleasing the girl. However, for that particular moment, pleasing the girl would mean taking a lead. She needs a man more than dinner. I believe that would be the same for the guy too, the girl is much more important than that plate of steak.
Before I move on, I really have to make this clear. Confidence, being respectable is more than having good reputation, or simply saying the right words at the right time. It is not a thing you do, it is the person you are. A guy might impress a girl for a few days, until a few weeks later he wonder why his relationship with that girl turns wierd and she no longer reply the SMS and phone calls. He wonders why. She gave you a shot, and you blew it. Getting the abs and the chest and things will impress for a longer duration, but "abs and packs does not maketh a man".
Some of you might think that I am really emphasizing on certain things too much and the others too little. I am not implying that the situation I am talking about applies to the general population, but I trust that many share the same experience. I'm not advocating anything about picking up girls, it is just sad to see how some guys try and try and fail, and become degraded from being a man to being a whim - yet remaining confused all the time.
Not exactly qualified to teach this "art", but I think when we are confident and we play our roles well, relationships will be enriched and friendships will take on a deeper meaning. There are a lot of psychological issues going on behind. Misunderstanding and misinterpreting needs of the other person is just one of the many. Will include more the next time.
enjoy a beautiful song with me
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Grandmother
Words in red will have Biblical basis
Normal fonts are merely my opinion of a matter
My parents have been visiting grandma for the past 2 months every week. Today was my first visit. My aunt arrived slightly earlier than us, and told grandma that we (my parents and I) came too. She cried slightly.
The people were taking care of her well; but I suppose that us visiting her made quite some difference, somehow.
She used to be quite violent and throw her temper a lot earlier during the year. It was difficult for her to accept that her body was becoming weak, and her vision blurring. By the way, she is eighty-plus now.
I suppose she has come into proper terms with the circumstances now. Today she looked so weak, so frail, and slightly smaller since the last time i saw her about 2 months ago. The caretaker said she looked much more cheerly after we arrived.
As I looked at her, I remember some of the things that John Wesley spoke, about death.
One day we will die, and take on a new body. It will be better than this. What will we see with? for the earthly eyes that we have now will fade away. With what will we think?
I also remembered C.S. Lewis
One day (when we die), the circumstances that once bound us - e.g. temperament, physical weakness, etc. will fade. That time, everybody will shine as he/she really is. Many of those who tried hard to do good but have little power to do so ( due to circumstances such as bad upbringing ) will shine much more compared to those who had much, yet little was done.
So even now, though I see not too much signs for her change into Christ likeness, but I suppose I can only see the surface, God knows how hard she tries - and that is good enough, comforting enough to know that my judgment is flawed.
Knowing that I will be going off to study in Australia, my grandma advised me to be careful as she always did. She said,
"You are intelligent, I'm sure you are. Just be careful, don't walk the wrong way. Young people, very playful you know? Study well, and become and outstanding person one day. Then your parents will live at ease"
She repeated herself for a few more times with different words.
" I know that the culture today is very different from my time; I know that young people are very playful, who isn't? However, don't mix with the wrong people and go the wrong way "
Perhaps those were very important words.
Perhaps she just forgot that she said it.
Perhaps thats her heart for my whole life.
It is refreshing to hear the words she speak. What I so often hear today, or at least the motivation behind the words, fade in comparison.
"Make lots of money"
"Life is short, enjoy to the max"
"Earn money so you can live luxuriously"
Well, I didn't exactly hear that. It sometimes makes us blush to say words that sound so materialistic. Words I hear are more subtle. Perhaps like,
"If you find a better offer oversea, better migrate "
While I know that those words might be well intentioned - It is very far from the words that my grandma said.
I like what she says, because to some extent, it reflects the kind of spirit that Jesus encourages. Its about putting others before ourselves.
While self preservation is fair, putting others first is virtue. At least I liked to be treated the latter way.
Grandma probably won't know how significant her words were. Maybe she does. Maybe she cares for me more than "whether the words I spoken sounded significant". Whatever, perhaps those things are what I think about most of the time.
She knows that she is running the last mile in her life, she talked about dying quite calmly. The glitz and glitter has lost its power over her life. Yet, I am still very much influenced by it. Sometimes, I could doubt my sincerity and integrity. Lime light, it is so possessive. I really need to get a grip on the essentials.
I like her affirmation, and I think what she said is significant.
Normal fonts are merely my opinion of a matter
My parents have been visiting grandma for the past 2 months every week. Today was my first visit. My aunt arrived slightly earlier than us, and told grandma that we (my parents and I) came too. She cried slightly.
The people were taking care of her well; but I suppose that us visiting her made quite some difference, somehow.
She used to be quite violent and throw her temper a lot earlier during the year. It was difficult for her to accept that her body was becoming weak, and her vision blurring. By the way, she is eighty-plus now.
I suppose she has come into proper terms with the circumstances now. Today she looked so weak, so frail, and slightly smaller since the last time i saw her about 2 months ago. The caretaker said she looked much more cheerly after we arrived.
As I looked at her, I remember some of the things that John Wesley spoke, about death.
One day we will die, and take on a new body. It will be better than this. What will we see with? for the earthly eyes that we have now will fade away. With what will we think?
I also remembered C.S. Lewis
One day (when we die), the circumstances that once bound us - e.g. temperament, physical weakness, etc. will fade. That time, everybody will shine as he/she really is. Many of those who tried hard to do good but have little power to do so ( due to circumstances such as bad upbringing ) will shine much more compared to those who had much, yet little was done.
So even now, though I see not too much signs for her change into Christ likeness, but I suppose I can only see the surface, God knows how hard she tries - and that is good enough, comforting enough to know that my judgment is flawed.
Knowing that I will be going off to study in Australia, my grandma advised me to be careful as she always did. She said,
"You are intelligent, I'm sure you are. Just be careful, don't walk the wrong way. Young people, very playful you know? Study well, and become and outstanding person one day. Then your parents will live at ease"
She repeated herself for a few more times with different words.
" I know that the culture today is very different from my time; I know that young people are very playful, who isn't? However, don't mix with the wrong people and go the wrong way "
Perhaps those were very important words.
Perhaps she just forgot that she said it.
Perhaps thats her heart for my whole life.
It is refreshing to hear the words she speak. What I so often hear today, or at least the motivation behind the words, fade in comparison.
"Make lots of money"
"Life is short, enjoy to the max"
"Earn money so you can live luxuriously"
Well, I didn't exactly hear that. It sometimes makes us blush to say words that sound so materialistic. Words I hear are more subtle. Perhaps like,
"If you find a better offer oversea, better migrate "
While I know that those words might be well intentioned - It is very far from the words that my grandma said.
I like what she says, because to some extent, it reflects the kind of spirit that Jesus encourages. Its about putting others before ourselves.
While self preservation is fair, putting others first is virtue. At least I liked to be treated the latter way.
Grandma probably won't know how significant her words were. Maybe she does. Maybe she cares for me more than "whether the words I spoken sounded significant". Whatever, perhaps those things are what I think about most of the time.
She knows that she is running the last mile in her life, she talked about dying quite calmly. The glitz and glitter has lost its power over her life. Yet, I am still very much influenced by it. Sometimes, I could doubt my sincerity and integrity. Lime light, it is so possessive. I really need to get a grip on the essentials.
I like her affirmation, and I think what she said is significant.
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