My friend who guided me much in my life a season in my life - Josh always this:
"Life is like a round ball"
It was one of those corny lines like - Life is like a box of chocolates sort of thing. I don't ever remember him explaining what he meant by "Life is like a round ball"... but one thing I know, life goes on and on - like a round ball. You can be happy, you can be sad, life goes on... You may be half alive, you might be on top of the world... life goes on. Even if you die one day, the world just goes on.
Assignments come and go, different seasons in our life poses us different challenges... the challenges we faced and the decisions we made about them seems so childish now. But it did not look that childish back then. Should I live a few more years down the road, perhaps I would laugh at the reasons why I get depressed today.
Life going on and on - I learn that I could be the kind of person that never grows up. Very much like Love songs. The boyband sings about losing the one he loves 10 years ago, and they will continue singing about the same thing 10 years later. Perhaps I'm that kind of person, I'm afraid that in a few years time, I will become depressed over the things that depress me now. Since 7 years ago, I feel insecure and inferior over... more childish things... 7 years later, I feel insecure and inferior over childish things of a higher class. A more sophisticated kind of childishness.
It makes me think quite a bit how I live now. Behave your age? What do you mean by behave your age? I just cannot lose touch with my generation. As much as I want to keep in touch, the years of lonely thoughts have seperated me very much from... good and simple things in life. I don't think I know how to enjoy the company of another person. I always paint a picture of a perfect 10 in my mind, and tend to only praise people who are able to do the best - not so much their best.
Why? Who told me that "this is a real and practical world"? "If your perfect 10 is not the practical perfect 10 of the world, then it is no perfect 10"... I know the effort people put into their work. And many times... your perfect 10 is something harder to achieve than the world's perfect 10 - but why Joel? You know that it is hard to "give your all"... but why do you measure things the way the world measures?
This whole world is about relationships. Your mindset will kill you if you don't change. Like a round ball, you will continue living - but you will be more dead than alive. There are things that are worth giving up...
My mindset has defined me. My mindset is not only unhelpful (though helpful in certain things), but it is destructive to this world. You are a chaos, you are an outlaw, you are unloving... There are things I am willing to give up. I want to give up my thoughts. I want a new beginning. I want an assurance of a chance to turn a new leaf. I want to die to myself... so I can live. I am rotten beyond change, I need a new beginning - yet I the ugliness in me is pushing me to look like a perfect 10...
It is like...
Joel, if you repent, you have to get it right the first time you do it. How can you ever be wrong? SHIT Joel. You can be wrong and you are damn wrong at this point. You have conversations with yourself more than you have with God plus other people. Now, don't even try to turn your reluctance into a philosophy - and join in the league of the geniuses of self-denial. You hate it, and the reason is simple.
Fear. Fear is such an amazing things. It doesn't kill you, but it drains off your life. A life of paralysis. Thats what you are fighting Joel. You are fighting your fear to fight. What if they laugh and what if they sneer?
Do it anyway. But let me assure you my dear boy, they won't be laughing at you and sneering at your. The people around you care for you more than you ever cared for yourself. They see the simple things you will never see. And as pessimistic as this world is, I have got to give them the credit and put some faith in them to change me. Why be an individual?
I want to be an individual. But I realize that the prize of being an individual...well, I don't know what is the prize of being an "individual"... but I know whatever the prize is, I will take it alone. There is no one to celebrate with if there was ever such a prise - "The best individual in the world". There are people in my life that I love enough, to be willing to lose myself.
I can't always sit around and hope for some big-time-life-changing-event to come. Today is the life changing event. If today you cannot make a wise decision with a cool head, what makes me think I can make a better one when my head is hot? This is the problem with you Joel. You actually quarrel with yourself. You know it isn't an angel-devil-voice-in-the-head, you know it is just you who tries to want everything.
Hey Joel, sometimes having everything - even if it is possile... isn't the best thing. If everybody has too much, how can anybody share anything? If nobody lacks, how can we show love? Why on earth do you have the dumb idea that "much is good"? Well, you know you are not fully convinced that the whole idea of "much is good" is dumb... there is some measure of truth in there.
Sigh...
I know what I want. I want to live a normal life. This year I am 20. I am at my prime. I can't afford losing time. In my mind, I am a little glad that I am learning through this all. If you never said no... I would be living in dreamland. But now that you said no, I thank you. It has been long since I realized that life ain't a bed of roses. There are things that cannot be rushed... growth takes time, but I know that there is such a thing as "refusing to grow up".
I want to grow up well.
I want to grow up well.
I want to grow up well.
I am a boy.but I cannot stay a boy forever. I may know a little more things, but if I stay a boy... the good things I know will one day be my stumbling block. I don't want to grow old without growing up. I know many old people who has never grown up. Yet because of the very same reason, I know that I do not love them enough to give them my life to love them enough to teach them.
Grow up Joel. Learn to do something good without hoping for a reward. Learn to consider growth a reward. Learn to consider giving as a blessing. I know people who consider giving as a blessing because it gives them some self worth... No, I don't want my worth to be defined by my giving.
I want to cry. I want to cry. I want to cry. I want to cry because I know nobody can change my mind. I am in dire need of some love and support. I will degrade from boy to baby. But perhaps that is one thing I need to learn, to be humble enough to accept help. After all, whether I grow up or not... life goes on.
enjoy a beautiful song with me
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Sin Shit
Today, while I was sitting on my throne... inspiration came to me.
What is sin like? Sin... in some ways is like shit. Although shit is actually in our bodies, but when we shit it out - we don't dare to touch it because it just feels super dirty. But hey! The shit actually came from our own bodies! How come is it disgusting when we can touch it on the outside but we don't feel that it is disgusting when it is on the inside...
We know that we are humans who are full of flaws, not only wicked - but at many times selfish and proud. I always amaze myself of how wicked my thoughts can be when I dislike a certain person. It amazes me the plans that I can imagine when I feel angry and want to take revenge. Aren't we to some extent like that too?
We are full of sin. But when we read the newspapers publishing murders - or when somebody else sin against us/gossip behind our backs/lie to us, it looks so horrible. Yet the truth is that we are infact full of such ugliness.
Ah... toilet moments (and bathing)... so refreshing.
What is sin like? Sin... in some ways is like shit. Although shit is actually in our bodies, but when we shit it out - we don't dare to touch it because it just feels super dirty. But hey! The shit actually came from our own bodies! How come is it disgusting when we can touch it on the outside but we don't feel that it is disgusting when it is on the inside...
We know that we are humans who are full of flaws, not only wicked - but at many times selfish and proud. I always amaze myself of how wicked my thoughts can be when I dislike a certain person. It amazes me the plans that I can imagine when I feel angry and want to take revenge. Aren't we to some extent like that too?
We are full of sin. But when we read the newspapers publishing murders - or when somebody else sin against us/gossip behind our backs/lie to us, it looks so horrible. Yet the truth is that we are infact full of such ugliness.
Ah... toilet moments (and bathing)... so refreshing.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Death
These few days, I have been thinking about death quite a bit. I think of little phrases I pick up from people -
"I'm half dead now"
"You have no life"
"I'm dead meat"
What do the phrases above tell us about the situation they are in?
Tired. Discomfort. Bored. Deep trouble. And other unpleasant states.
Yet I cannot help but think of the dead people I have met in my life. I have been to a couple of funerals in my life.
When I was a kid, my grandfather was cremated. Then my uncle. My family friend. Sophie. There are probably some others I do not remember.
I also seen people before their death - and almost the moment they die. Two church sisters. The same Sophie. My school teacher and a number of people that I have seen in the hospital which I will never remember. But those that I would remember more significant are 3. Sophie, my school teacher.
My school teacher taught me when I was 14. She had cancer when I was 16 and died when I was 17. I saw her when she was alive and well, encouraging me to study chinese when I literally hated the subject. And I saw how different she looked in the hospital. The scene of her quietly struggling under the burden of sickness was ugly. She never looked so ugly. Her friends, relatives and church people came to visit her every other day. Christians came and prayed for her recovery - and we continued praying until the day she died. One night about 12 a.m. when I was sleeping, I heard a beep on my phone. The SMS simply said that my teacher had gone home to The Lord.
The other little girl is called Sophie. I saw her still laughing and undergoing some blood transplant (whatever it is called) and everything was going great. She was smiling, she was telling jokes, she was looking so happy. During Christmas, my friend and I bought her a gift. She looked sickly and I didn't quite like that. Life was just escaping her body slowly and slowly. The doctor decided to perform a surgery on her, which was a major success! she was recovering well, and she could go home after the surgery - living a slightly more normal life compared to her hospital life which lasted for... many months? A few days after the surgery, it was discovered that during the surgery, some equipment was infected, and as her body was too weak to protect itself, the infection killed her within less than 2 days of notice.
Her mother was there. Her father was there. I was there. It was a TOTALLY stupid mistake, TOTALLY stupid kind of shock.
The reason that I remembered them were not so much because I saw them for long periods before their death. But I saw their dying faces, and the dead face. It is pretty wierd to see a dead person. They just look like they are sleeping. They are there... but they are not there anymore.
Their hands are cold, and there is little sign of sickness. They look peaceful.
They literally have no more life in them. Yet, the description differs so far from the few phrases that I mentioned above. When we mention that we are half dead, we are lifeless... it is one of weakness, one of struggling, one of persevering.
These few days, I have been passing pretty sad moments at times. It seems at first that I am fighting a war against my own thoughts. Then I was fighting a losing battle. I was then crying. I was then arguing and struggling and trying to make sense out of things. I feel pain, and I wrestle.
If I was ever alive, these are the moments that I am alive. The days of comfort and pleasure somehow seem so far away. But the pain is present. Comfort and pleasure demands so little energy of me, it keeps my mind at ease - I don't need to do anything... and just "let things happen to me".
If I was ever dead, those must have been the times. My years of struggles are my years of growth. On this side of heaven, my years of pain are my years of living. My years of change are my years of learning. There is just something so wierd about living and dying.
It seems that comfort and pleasure is the way to live - yet idleness is really a sign of death. What kind of comfort and pleasure constantly demands your strength, your energy, your everything? In death, what kind of loss have you experienced - when you are dead... you cease to be "you".
I'm probably a little too geeky for you to find these kind of things interesting.
"I'm half dead now"
"You have no life"
"I'm dead meat"
What do the phrases above tell us about the situation they are in?
Tired. Discomfort. Bored. Deep trouble. And other unpleasant states.
Yet I cannot help but think of the dead people I have met in my life. I have been to a couple of funerals in my life.
When I was a kid, my grandfather was cremated. Then my uncle. My family friend. Sophie. There are probably some others I do not remember.
I also seen people before their death - and almost the moment they die. Two church sisters. The same Sophie. My school teacher and a number of people that I have seen in the hospital which I will never remember. But those that I would remember more significant are 3. Sophie, my school teacher.
My school teacher taught me when I was 14. She had cancer when I was 16 and died when I was 17. I saw her when she was alive and well, encouraging me to study chinese when I literally hated the subject. And I saw how different she looked in the hospital. The scene of her quietly struggling under the burden of sickness was ugly. She never looked so ugly. Her friends, relatives and church people came to visit her every other day. Christians came and prayed for her recovery - and we continued praying until the day she died. One night about 12 a.m. when I was sleeping, I heard a beep on my phone. The SMS simply said that my teacher had gone home to The Lord.
The other little girl is called Sophie. I saw her still laughing and undergoing some blood transplant (whatever it is called) and everything was going great. She was smiling, she was telling jokes, she was looking so happy. During Christmas, my friend and I bought her a gift. She looked sickly and I didn't quite like that. Life was just escaping her body slowly and slowly. The doctor decided to perform a surgery on her, which was a major success! she was recovering well, and she could go home after the surgery - living a slightly more normal life compared to her hospital life which lasted for... many months? A few days after the surgery, it was discovered that during the surgery, some equipment was infected, and as her body was too weak to protect itself, the infection killed her within less than 2 days of notice.
Her mother was there. Her father was there. I was there. It was a TOTALLY stupid mistake, TOTALLY stupid kind of shock.
The reason that I remembered them were not so much because I saw them for long periods before their death. But I saw their dying faces, and the dead face. It is pretty wierd to see a dead person. They just look like they are sleeping. They are there... but they are not there anymore.
Their hands are cold, and there is little sign of sickness. They look peaceful.
They literally have no more life in them. Yet, the description differs so far from the few phrases that I mentioned above. When we mention that we are half dead, we are lifeless... it is one of weakness, one of struggling, one of persevering.
These few days, I have been passing pretty sad moments at times. It seems at first that I am fighting a war against my own thoughts. Then I was fighting a losing battle. I was then crying. I was then arguing and struggling and trying to make sense out of things. I feel pain, and I wrestle.
If I was ever alive, these are the moments that I am alive. The days of comfort and pleasure somehow seem so far away. But the pain is present. Comfort and pleasure demands so little energy of me, it keeps my mind at ease - I don't need to do anything... and just "let things happen to me".
If I was ever dead, those must have been the times. My years of struggles are my years of growth. On this side of heaven, my years of pain are my years of living. My years of change are my years of learning. There is just something so wierd about living and dying.
It seems that comfort and pleasure is the way to live - yet idleness is really a sign of death. What kind of comfort and pleasure constantly demands your strength, your energy, your everything? In death, what kind of loss have you experienced - when you are dead... you cease to be "you".
I'm probably a little too geeky for you to find these kind of things interesting.
Friday, September 5, 2008
The Man
Quite a fair bit is written about Jesus' birth, a handful about him as he grew from a tween to teen, many chapters about the 3 years of His ministry, and many chapters about the last few days of His life on earth.
I was somewhat looking for a model to follow - if Jesus is 20 years old, what is He like?
At 12, Jesus was reasoning with teachers in the temple. The record before this event is Luke 2:40
And the child became strong; he was filled with wisdom, and the grace of God was upon Him.
Then after the discourse with the teachers - up till perhaps 30 years old, Luke 2:52 says:
And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.
If I am looking for a model to follow, I suppose this is all I have. Even reading through the entire Bible, one would find that authors were not so concerned with the in between years. It seems that almost everybody is a grown up man when history is recorded.
I thought through different reasons why this is so:
"Hey, they are recording history, isn't that how all history books are? Always describing the activities of man in form of the things they accomplished, countries involved, advances discovered?"
"Paper is expensive, they must have only recorded the most important things"
There are a few more similar reasons. But now I am considering this...
The Bible is God's Word, His story - perhaps by the way He chooses to reveal things (what He reveals and doesn't reveal) I can know what is important. By the proportion of chapters devoted to Jesus' life in the Gospel - it is apparent that it is His life and words during His ministry is most significant, only second to His death and resurrection.
I would not doubt this sort of emphasis do point us to the centrality of Jesus (and His Cross) in the whole Bible. But does this portion also imply that the whole point of my life is my ministry to people? Then my whole life up till before I become involved in some public ministry is just some sort of preparation? The Bible seems to always record a few significant events in a person's life and how that has played a role in the whole Bible - and more or less nothing more about the person's life. With the exceptions of a few characters of course.
I realize that because of my biased mind who is seeking for answers that perhaps the authour never intended to offer - I start to interpret passages the way I want to see it. Whatever that might be just a simple description I could be just making it to a model in life. Yet in the midst of all these things, I will hold on to the security of the 2 verses above that I think is crucial.
The first verse mention that Jesus became strong, filled with wisdom, and had the grace of God was upon Him - I take that to mean that God had favour with Him. The second verse mention that Jesus grew physically, grew in wisdom, and had favour with God and men.
So growing up physically and strong - I don't know if there is supposed to be anything significant with it. With the excpetion of intoxicants and unhealthy diet, i suppose this to mean normal physical growth.
The second one that would be more of interest is that Jesus grew in wisdom. So I'm supposed to be growing in wisdom during these years.
Jesus also grew in favour with God (this is common to both). How do I grow in favour with God?
The third was growing in favour with men. Now this is one thing I lack. But the Bible also teaches that Jesus did not seek the approval of men, yet he had favour with men. How does this work? I know too few people who do not seek the approval of men but still have favour with men - hence me.
I still have quite a bit to digest.
I was somewhat looking for a model to follow - if Jesus is 20 years old, what is He like?
At 12, Jesus was reasoning with teachers in the temple. The record before this event is Luke 2:40
And the child became strong; he was filled with wisdom, and the grace of God was upon Him.
Then after the discourse with the teachers - up till perhaps 30 years old, Luke 2:52 says:
And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.
If I am looking for a model to follow, I suppose this is all I have. Even reading through the entire Bible, one would find that authors were not so concerned with the in between years. It seems that almost everybody is a grown up man when history is recorded.
I thought through different reasons why this is so:
"Hey, they are recording history, isn't that how all history books are? Always describing the activities of man in form of the things they accomplished, countries involved, advances discovered?"
"Paper is expensive, they must have only recorded the most important things"
There are a few more similar reasons. But now I am considering this...
The Bible is God's Word, His story - perhaps by the way He chooses to reveal things (what He reveals and doesn't reveal) I can know what is important. By the proportion of chapters devoted to Jesus' life in the Gospel - it is apparent that it is His life and words during His ministry is most significant, only second to His death and resurrection.
I would not doubt this sort of emphasis do point us to the centrality of Jesus (and His Cross) in the whole Bible. But does this portion also imply that the whole point of my life is my ministry to people? Then my whole life up till before I become involved in some public ministry is just some sort of preparation? The Bible seems to always record a few significant events in a person's life and how that has played a role in the whole Bible - and more or less nothing more about the person's life. With the exceptions of a few characters of course.
I realize that because of my biased mind who is seeking for answers that perhaps the authour never intended to offer - I start to interpret passages the way I want to see it. Whatever that might be just a simple description I could be just making it to a model in life. Yet in the midst of all these things, I will hold on to the security of the 2 verses above that I think is crucial.
The first verse mention that Jesus became strong, filled with wisdom, and had the grace of God was upon Him - I take that to mean that God had favour with Him. The second verse mention that Jesus grew physically, grew in wisdom, and had favour with God and men.
So growing up physically and strong - I don't know if there is supposed to be anything significant with it. With the excpetion of intoxicants and unhealthy diet, i suppose this to mean normal physical growth.
The second one that would be more of interest is that Jesus grew in wisdom. So I'm supposed to be growing in wisdom during these years.
Jesus also grew in favour with God (this is common to both). How do I grow in favour with God?
The third was growing in favour with men. Now this is one thing I lack. But the Bible also teaches that Jesus did not seek the approval of men, yet he had favour with men. How does this work? I know too few people who do not seek the approval of men but still have favour with men - hence me.
I still have quite a bit to digest.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
How Bizarre! How Bizzare?
Thou standeth in the moonlight,
Yet sunlight shineth on thee -
Thou declareth thyself a god - with words unspoken.
Thou loveth limelight.
My heart is what you want. How bizarre!
Thou fool! Thinketh thou that I be such a brute as thee?
Thou crafteth up deceptive words,
Thou dimmeth my surrounding into the night -
Thou seek thine own glory -
Wilt thou obtain my heart with a lying tongue?
Thou promoteth not clear conscience,
Thou setteth forth truth in lies
Thy mind is darkened - True Light is Thy foe
Unrighteousness surroundeth thee
In pretense thy companion boasteth arrogantly with thee
In foolishness thou share their joy
So shalt thou share in their inheritance
Feet swift of selfish gain
Surely mercy be far from thee
Thou hast lifted thine heart above thy God
He who sits in heaven mocketh thee:
"This age, so shall it be!"
When thou giveth up thy breath,
Thou shall give an account of thy deeds -
and shall be found wanting
What then is thy boasting?
Thy enemies will rejoice over thee
For the accuser and his prophets lie in waste
The wicked shall dwell together,
thou shall share their company forever,
Thou shall live in death
In living - thou shall ever die.
The fear of The Lord is far from thee,
Thou art void of wisdom -
How long wilt thou see and not perceive?
Hear and not listen?
Wilt thou lust forever - doth thy mind burneth not thy soul?
So shalt thou eat the fruit of thy labour
Thou shalt reap what thou hast sown
Unless thou repent
thou shalt perish likewise
Unless thou repent
thou shalt perish likewise
Thy heart is crooked
They ways are bent
Fear God and keep His commandments - for He who sits in heaven delayeth not and is swift to Judge... for the plea of His saints have filled His ears.
Yet sunlight shineth on thee -
Thou declareth thyself a god - with words unspoken.
Thou loveth limelight.
My heart is what you want. How bizarre!
Thou fool! Thinketh thou that I be such a brute as thee?
Thou crafteth up deceptive words,
Thou dimmeth my surrounding into the night -
Thou seek thine own glory -
Wilt thou obtain my heart with a lying tongue?
Thou promoteth not clear conscience,
Thou setteth forth truth in lies
Thy mind is darkened - True Light is Thy foe
Unrighteousness surroundeth thee
In pretense thy companion boasteth arrogantly with thee
In foolishness thou share their joy
So shalt thou share in their inheritance
Feet swift of selfish gain
Surely mercy be far from thee
Thou hast lifted thine heart above thy God
He who sits in heaven mocketh thee:
"This age, so shall it be!"
When thou giveth up thy breath,
Thou shall give an account of thy deeds -
and shall be found wanting
What then is thy boasting?
Thy enemies will rejoice over thee
For the accuser and his prophets lie in waste
The wicked shall dwell together,
thou shall share their company forever,
Thou shall live in death
In living - thou shall ever die.
The fear of The Lord is far from thee,
Thou art void of wisdom -
How long wilt thou see and not perceive?
Hear and not listen?
Wilt thou lust forever - doth thy mind burneth not thy soul?
So shalt thou eat the fruit of thy labour
Thou shalt reap what thou hast sown
Unless thou repent
thou shalt perish likewise
Unless thou repent
thou shalt perish likewise
Thy heart is crooked
They ways are bent
Fear God and keep His commandments - for He who sits in heaven delayeth not and is swift to Judge... for the plea of His saints have filled His ears.
Little Stones
A fine cool day,
walking down the lonely path,
Little stones along the way,
dashing against my foot.
Such are these days. Everything I need is here, the good things in life to cheer me up; the little assurances I love to have - a home to stay, money to spend, academics which are doing pretty okay. God is in the picture, Christian and non-Christian friends surround me - there is fellowship, there is ministry.
Yet, the journey is not an easy one. Academics keep me on my toes. Hope strengthens me when I grow tired and weary. Not too strong, but strong enough to give me assurance that I will be able to endure.
Yet, it is not only marked with busy-ness as a routine, but also pricks. A piece of my heart is somewhere, somewhere it does not belong. My eyes grant me memories that brings pain to my heart. Everyday, I am reminded of the pain - and these thoughts keep my mind troubled all the time. The seemingly trivial things that are not trivial at all... they hurt my feet, I grow weary of walking - yet they cannot kill me.
Living between life and death - a full life belongs to me. Struggles have never been so consistent, such energy has never been required of me. Yet for the glory of this struggle, such is this life. Between here and a land far away, between life and death.
This life demands my vision to see heaven and earth, yet not a place somewhere in between. A call to have such violence that is gentle! A cry and a shout in the form of a plea. The identity of a man, yet being the bride. A position that desires to give - so much... yet is constantly receiving. A promise of acceptance and belonging, yet Home is somewhere in the distant future.
In this world you have tribulation - but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world.
What is it that You have overcome? Your overcoming has granted vision of the strength of hope - If hope is already this strong, how much greater shall the realization be?
Little stones strike my feet along the way,
Until the largest boulder take me Home.
walking down the lonely path,
Little stones along the way,
dashing against my foot.
Such are these days. Everything I need is here, the good things in life to cheer me up; the little assurances I love to have - a home to stay, money to spend, academics which are doing pretty okay. God is in the picture, Christian and non-Christian friends surround me - there is fellowship, there is ministry.
Yet, the journey is not an easy one. Academics keep me on my toes. Hope strengthens me when I grow tired and weary. Not too strong, but strong enough to give me assurance that I will be able to endure.
Yet, it is not only marked with busy-ness as a routine, but also pricks. A piece of my heart is somewhere, somewhere it does not belong. My eyes grant me memories that brings pain to my heart. Everyday, I am reminded of the pain - and these thoughts keep my mind troubled all the time. The seemingly trivial things that are not trivial at all... they hurt my feet, I grow weary of walking - yet they cannot kill me.
Living between life and death - a full life belongs to me. Struggles have never been so consistent, such energy has never been required of me. Yet for the glory of this struggle, such is this life. Between here and a land far away, between life and death.
This life demands my vision to see heaven and earth, yet not a place somewhere in between. A call to have such violence that is gentle! A cry and a shout in the form of a plea. The identity of a man, yet being the bride. A position that desires to give - so much... yet is constantly receiving. A promise of acceptance and belonging, yet Home is somewhere in the distant future.
In this world you have tribulation - but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world.
What is it that You have overcome? Your overcoming has granted vision of the strength of hope - If hope is already this strong, how much greater shall the realization be?
Little stones strike my feet along the way,
Until the largest boulder take me Home.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Christianity 1500 years ago and Today
When Joel have little personal problems to handle, he start thinking about the problems of other people. And on and on it goes - its always problems.
Christians no longer preach the Gospel at the cost of their lives. Everybody has a degree to complete... an unruffled life to live... a house to buy... a wife to marry... a comfortable life ahead... What happened to planning life with God in the picture? or is God supposed to fit into our picture of "the comfortable life" - the churchgoing version of Bill Gates being the symbol of success. Gospel work is reduced to tithing, being a witness to Jesus means simply letting others know I am Christian, meeting up with Christians is merely to "catch up on whats been happening" - WHY?
After church, people hang around and talk about the newest thing in town... what they will eat for lunch... WHY?
Now, I must admit that there are questions in life that to ask WHY is to ask in vain, but many things are explainable. After much thoughts, I believe the answer to this big WHY is that these people do not know God. There is some measure of profession. In fact, the godless America is the country that professes it the most - and that is where we get the "limelight church culture", "pro abortion", "using religion for political gain"... and mindlessly, we in in Asia who so wish that "we could be like them" in one way or the other follow them.
Indeed, many profess to Jesus - 'Lord, Lord!' - but Jesus concludes that it is FEW who will enter the narrow gate and walk the narrow path. Since Jesus was talking about those who profess - perhaps among us, yes, even us who profess to know Jesus... most of us will be echoing the exact words in Matthew 7...
"Lord Lord! Did we not prophesy in your name? Did we not..."
only to hear Jesus tell us "Get away - I do not know you"
Yes, Jesus was not speaking to non-Christians. It is much easier to believe that Jesus was speaking to people who are supposed to be "salt of the earth" but ended up as "salt that loses its flavour". From being distinct, to being the same. This sends a grave warning to us if we live in this world and face no persecution. Perhaps, we have become like the world, and the world loves us.
Our profession of faith - unless shown by the fruit of the Spirit... is USELESS, and POINTLESS. Our declaration of undying PASSION for Jesus, our praying of "Dear God, I humbly come to You..." is EMPTY.
Before illustrating the main point. I would like to share with us all a little bit about church history - should my memory serve me correctly.
There was a time in Christian history long long ago, about the time of Constantine (about 4th century)- there was a period where Rome was ruled by Christian Emperors. The rule of Christian Emperors gave much privilege to Christians - the once persecuted Christianity has now become the state religion. Christians enjoy special rights - much like how Malays enjoy special rights in Malaysia. Church doctrine was standardized, heresies were cleared, Christianity spread all over Rome.
Many people became Christians: some of them sincere, some went into the church to gain favour with the Emperor - since the Emperor fancies this new religion. Yet, this period did not contain all Christian Emperors. Much like the Old Testament where there were good kings and bad kings - the good kings tear down shrines to cults to rebuild God's altar and calls people to worship, the bad kings doing the exact opposite - the Roman Emperors did something like that.
When the Emperor changed from a Christian Emperor to a pagan Emperor who did not know God - they persecuted Christians harshly. Christians who enjoyed Christianity in peace, suddenly had to flee for their lives and forced to deny Christ. During this period of transition, many Christians paid for their faith in blood. Yet there were also many who denied Jesus as Lord - instead proclaiming that the Emperor of the day as Lord to save their lives.
Then the transition came where the Christian Emperor took over the empire. The pagan Emperor is disposed of, and Christianity enjoys peace again. Yet, a new problem arose: The people who once denied Jesus now wants to join the church. Denying Christ as Lord is a grave sin the bishops of the churches say - how can we accept them again? When another pagan Emperor comes they deny Christ, when it is convenient - they proclaim Christ! How can this be?
Legalistic we might say? Well, the bishops had a good point. So they confered among themselves and wonder what to do with these group of Christians. They could not deny that some of them were sincerely repentant, yet they also had to account for the fake ones - what shall they do?
So they came up with a thing called PENANCE. What is that? Penance required these group of 'sinners' to do a certain amount of good works to prove that they are truly repentant. The argument is that the shallow profession of faith (which might be a fake faith) is too easy, these people had to prove it by good works.
And so, after doing a certain amount of good works, these people regained admittance into the church. Throughout the ages, as situations became more and more complicated, Christians who have sinned have to do more and more works to prove their repentance - more and more rules had to be added to ensure sincerity. Slowly and slowly, these group of church leaders defines that salvation comes not by faith alone - but faith and good works.
And this is one of the reasons why Catholicism has so many rules. To simply label them legalistic is too shallow an argument. Yet we know from the Word of God, indeed "it is by grace through faith we are saved, and not by our works so that no one could boast". Salvation by faith and works is incompatible with Scripture.
This is one extreme of the picture. Moving forward more than 1500 years, we come to America. There was a little boy who raised up his hand to accept Jesus in a Billy Graham crusade - everybody lifted up their hands. After jotting down the information to a counselor on site, this boy received a free Bible which had a date written behind it "27/6/1988" that marked the day of his "salvation". 10 years later, this little boy grew to become a young adult who lives a life indulging in earthly riches and gives none of his life to God felt that perhaps he might not be accepted before God.
This young adult slowly fears for his own life, he fears that God will judge him and throw him into hell. So he runs to church and looks for his pastor and said: "Pastor, I feel that I am going to hell". Then the pastor said: " Turn to the last page of your Bible... you see the date there? Tell Satan that you are saved and claim it by faith! You are saved!"
For a while, this young adult was relieved - live life the way I want, but God has gotta accepted me, I accepted him 10 years ago!
This age that we live in - is one where Christians live in a lot of tension. Sometimes, we think like the young adult... by faith isn't it? What do we do? Make a list of 10 things we vow to do for God.
1. I must do at least 15 minutes of quiet time.
2. I must go to cell group at least twice a month?
3. I must tithe 10%
and the list goes on...
Some of us do not struggle. We become like the young adult - believing in an "imaginary salvation" Jesus never offered. After bribing God with 10%... or at least enough so that our conscience is calmed... we spend money like there is no God. We buy the newest clothings, the newest gadget and whatevernots to make up for the self-esteem we so desperately lack + the imaginary needs that we cannot but help lusting after. Yet some of us speak like those in James 4:13-16
Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil.
or did we forget Jesus parable? Luke 12:16-21
And he told them this parable: "The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.'
"Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I'll say to myself, "You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry." '
"But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?'
"This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God."
These passages speak for themselves.
If you haven't forgotten - I was wondering the many WHYs (it is white words in the beginning of the email, you can highlight them to read). I concluded that people must have not known God. Those who claim to know the God of the Bible... only claim to know an imaginary God who says "The Master delays His coming!" There are also those who say " I will bury my one talent underground and return it to God when He demands it". Truly, many of us are blind. We are those who:
'they may be ever seeing but never perceiving,
and ever hearing but never understanding;
otherwise they might turn and be forgiven!'
The Bible is before us. Some of us read the words over and over... but we will never obey it. Some will, some won't. Some will recognize that God is the Possesor of Heaven and Earth... and our lives... us merely being stewards of His resources. Some of us will remain thinking that we own our lives - as though Jesus Christ did not purchased us... and some of us will think that way till the day we die.
Yet the sad thing is this - in the midst of our college, our university, our assignments, we have neglected God's Word. Forget about seeing but never perceiving - we don't even want to see! Some of us claim to have so much responsibility in studies and work. Then the question is this -
Which is more important?
Knowing God or getting High Distinctions in university?
I fear for you my brothers and sisters, that we might fall into indulgence in worldly pursuits - clothing them in the name of "excellent spirit in the book of Daniel". Have you been to Christian concerts when this preacher suddenly comes up and say:
"I sense that God is calling some of us to be great businessmen, great politicians, great .... Who senses that God is calling you even right now? raise up your hand so I can pray for you!"
Have you heard people come up and say: "I feel that God calls me into the business world/ to become a doctor... an engineer... a lawyer"
Had it never struck you why so many people claim to be called by God into such professions - but so few are called to become preachers? teachers? garbage collecters? Have you ever heard a person say "God has called me to be a garbage collector?" It seems that we have a "upper middle class Holy Spirit".
I fear for us that in our pride and indulgence in the things of this world - we have defined God to fit our convenience. The Christians 1500 years ago denied Jesus to save their physical life - we know that was wrong. But what about us?
Everyday we carry on our routine daily life as though God is not there. Yes, we deny Jesus daily. What shall our leaders say? Do some good work to proof your repentance? Look at the last page of your Bible and tell Satan you are saved? What can we do?
When our hearts have become hardened and we tell our Christian brother "who are you to judge me? are you not like me?" let us remember... we can't say the same thing to the sinless Jesus. Because He will reply, "I am God that judges you, I am sinless and I am not like you". The warning is grave - Judgement Day is a day of no return.
How can we hasten our feet into hellfire? It is simple. Tell God that we will obey Him tomorrow. and when tomorrow comes, tell God that day after tomorrow is fine too. When my assignments are done - it is fine. Convince ourselves that we will live long enough to repent right before we die.
But for some of us who have the privilege of God opening our eyes - what shall we do?
Pray to God for understanding to read the Bible.
Talk to a Christian brother/sister about obeying God.
Read the Bible with somebody else to find out how we can live to please God.
Buy a Bible study guide.
The whole idea of getting one more person is not only to "spread the word", but also to be an encouragement to others to do the same. Can I pronounce a judgement such as "Those who does not read the Bible shall be condemned"? Well - I can't say that - I am not the Judge! But if we do not obey God because we do not even desire to seek out how to obey God (by reading His very Word) - you do the math - and measure what you are putting yourself into.
Christians no longer preach the Gospel at the cost of their lives. Everybody has a degree to complete... an unruffled life to live... a house to buy... a wife to marry... a comfortable life ahead... What happened to planning life with God in the picture? or is God supposed to fit into our picture of "the comfortable life" - the churchgoing version of Bill Gates being the symbol of success. Gospel work is reduced to tithing, being a witness to Jesus means simply letting others know I am Christian, meeting up with Christians is merely to "catch up on whats been happening" - WHY?
After church, people hang around and talk about the newest thing in town... what they will eat for lunch... WHY?
Now, I must admit that there are questions in life that to ask WHY is to ask in vain, but many things are explainable. After much thoughts, I believe the answer to this big WHY is that these people do not know God. There is some measure of profession. In fact, the godless America is the country that professes it the most - and that is where we get the "limelight church culture", "pro abortion", "using religion for political gain"... and mindlessly, we in in Asia who so wish that "we could be like them" in one way or the other follow them.
Indeed, many profess to Jesus - 'Lord, Lord!' - but Jesus concludes that it is FEW who will enter the narrow gate and walk the narrow path. Since Jesus was talking about those who profess - perhaps among us, yes, even us who profess to know Jesus... most of us will be echoing the exact words in Matthew 7...
"Lord Lord! Did we not prophesy in your name? Did we not..."
only to hear Jesus tell us "Get away - I do not know you"
Yes, Jesus was not speaking to non-Christians. It is much easier to believe that Jesus was speaking to people who are supposed to be "salt of the earth" but ended up as "salt that loses its flavour". From being distinct, to being the same. This sends a grave warning to us if we live in this world and face no persecution. Perhaps, we have become like the world, and the world loves us.
Our profession of faith - unless shown by the fruit of the Spirit... is USELESS, and POINTLESS. Our declaration of undying PASSION for Jesus, our praying of "Dear God, I humbly come to You..." is EMPTY.
Before illustrating the main point. I would like to share with us all a little bit about church history - should my memory serve me correctly.
There was a time in Christian history long long ago, about the time of Constantine (about 4th century)- there was a period where Rome was ruled by Christian Emperors. The rule of Christian Emperors gave much privilege to Christians - the once persecuted Christianity has now become the state religion. Christians enjoy special rights - much like how Malays enjoy special rights in Malaysia. Church doctrine was standardized, heresies were cleared, Christianity spread all over Rome.
Many people became Christians: some of them sincere, some went into the church to gain favour with the Emperor - since the Emperor fancies this new religion. Yet, this period did not contain all Christian Emperors. Much like the Old Testament where there were good kings and bad kings - the good kings tear down shrines to cults to rebuild God's altar and calls people to worship, the bad kings doing the exact opposite - the Roman Emperors did something like that.
When the Emperor changed from a Christian Emperor to a pagan Emperor who did not know God - they persecuted Christians harshly. Christians who enjoyed Christianity in peace, suddenly had to flee for their lives and forced to deny Christ. During this period of transition, many Christians paid for their faith in blood. Yet there were also many who denied Jesus as Lord - instead proclaiming that the Emperor of the day as Lord to save their lives.
Then the transition came where the Christian Emperor took over the empire. The pagan Emperor is disposed of, and Christianity enjoys peace again. Yet, a new problem arose: The people who once denied Jesus now wants to join the church. Denying Christ as Lord is a grave sin the bishops of the churches say - how can we accept them again? When another pagan Emperor comes they deny Christ, when it is convenient - they proclaim Christ! How can this be?
Legalistic we might say? Well, the bishops had a good point. So they confered among themselves and wonder what to do with these group of Christians. They could not deny that some of them were sincerely repentant, yet they also had to account for the fake ones - what shall they do?
So they came up with a thing called PENANCE. What is that? Penance required these group of 'sinners' to do a certain amount of good works to prove that they are truly repentant. The argument is that the shallow profession of faith (which might be a fake faith) is too easy, these people had to prove it by good works.
And so, after doing a certain amount of good works, these people regained admittance into the church. Throughout the ages, as situations became more and more complicated, Christians who have sinned have to do more and more works to prove their repentance - more and more rules had to be added to ensure sincerity. Slowly and slowly, these group of church leaders defines that salvation comes not by faith alone - but faith and good works.
And this is one of the reasons why Catholicism has so many rules. To simply label them legalistic is too shallow an argument. Yet we know from the Word of God, indeed "it is by grace through faith we are saved, and not by our works so that no one could boast". Salvation by faith and works is incompatible with Scripture.
This is one extreme of the picture. Moving forward more than 1500 years, we come to America. There was a little boy who raised up his hand to accept Jesus in a Billy Graham crusade - everybody lifted up their hands. After jotting down the information to a counselor on site, this boy received a free Bible which had a date written behind it "27/6/1988" that marked the day of his "salvation". 10 years later, this little boy grew to become a young adult who lives a life indulging in earthly riches and gives none of his life to God felt that perhaps he might not be accepted before God.
This young adult slowly fears for his own life, he fears that God will judge him and throw him into hell. So he runs to church and looks for his pastor and said: "Pastor, I feel that I am going to hell". Then the pastor said: " Turn to the last page of your Bible... you see the date there? Tell Satan that you are saved and claim it by faith! You are saved!"
For a while, this young adult was relieved - live life the way I want, but God has gotta accepted me, I accepted him 10 years ago!
This age that we live in - is one where Christians live in a lot of tension. Sometimes, we think like the young adult... by faith isn't it? What do we do? Make a list of 10 things we vow to do for God.
1. I must do at least 15 minutes of quiet time.
2. I must go to cell group at least twice a month?
3. I must tithe 10%
and the list goes on...
Some of us do not struggle. We become like the young adult - believing in an "imaginary salvation" Jesus never offered. After bribing God with 10%... or at least enough so that our conscience is calmed... we spend money like there is no God. We buy the newest clothings, the newest gadget and whatevernots to make up for the self-esteem we so desperately lack + the imaginary needs that we cannot but help lusting after. Yet some of us speak like those in James 4:13-16
Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil.
or did we forget Jesus parable? Luke 12:16-21
And he told them this parable: "The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.'
"Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I'll say to myself, "You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry." '
"But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?'
"This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God."
These passages speak for themselves.
If you haven't forgotten - I was wondering the many WHYs (it is white words in the beginning of the email, you can highlight them to read). I concluded that people must have not known God. Those who claim to know the God of the Bible... only claim to know an imaginary God who says "The Master delays His coming!" There are also those who say " I will bury my one talent underground and return it to God when He demands it". Truly, many of us are blind. We are those who:
'they may be ever seeing but never perceiving,
and ever hearing but never understanding;
otherwise they might turn and be forgiven!'
The Bible is before us. Some of us read the words over and over... but we will never obey it. Some will, some won't. Some will recognize that God is the Possesor of Heaven and Earth... and our lives... us merely being stewards of His resources. Some of us will remain thinking that we own our lives - as though Jesus Christ did not purchased us... and some of us will think that way till the day we die.
Yet the sad thing is this - in the midst of our college, our university, our assignments, we have neglected God's Word. Forget about seeing but never perceiving - we don't even want to see! Some of us claim to have so much responsibility in studies and work. Then the question is this -
Which is more important?
Knowing God or getting High Distinctions in university?
I fear for you my brothers and sisters, that we might fall into indulgence in worldly pursuits - clothing them in the name of "excellent spirit in the book of Daniel". Have you been to Christian concerts when this preacher suddenly comes up and say:
"I sense that God is calling some of us to be great businessmen, great politicians, great .... Who senses that God is calling you even right now? raise up your hand so I can pray for you!"
Have you heard people come up and say: "I feel that God calls me into the business world/ to become a doctor... an engineer... a lawyer"
Had it never struck you why so many people claim to be called by God into such professions - but so few are called to become preachers? teachers? garbage collecters? Have you ever heard a person say "God has called me to be a garbage collector?" It seems that we have a "upper middle class Holy Spirit".
I fear for us that in our pride and indulgence in the things of this world - we have defined God to fit our convenience. The Christians 1500 years ago denied Jesus to save their physical life - we know that was wrong. But what about us?
Everyday we carry on our routine daily life as though God is not there. Yes, we deny Jesus daily. What shall our leaders say? Do some good work to proof your repentance? Look at the last page of your Bible and tell Satan you are saved? What can we do?
When our hearts have become hardened and we tell our Christian brother "who are you to judge me? are you not like me?" let us remember... we can't say the same thing to the sinless Jesus. Because He will reply, "I am God that judges you, I am sinless and I am not like you". The warning is grave - Judgement Day is a day of no return.
How can we hasten our feet into hellfire? It is simple. Tell God that we will obey Him tomorrow. and when tomorrow comes, tell God that day after tomorrow is fine too. When my assignments are done - it is fine. Convince ourselves that we will live long enough to repent right before we die.
But for some of us who have the privilege of God opening our eyes - what shall we do?
Pray to God for understanding to read the Bible.
Talk to a Christian brother/sister about obeying God.
Read the Bible with somebody else to find out how we can live to please God.
Buy a Bible study guide.
The whole idea of getting one more person is not only to "spread the word", but also to be an encouragement to others to do the same. Can I pronounce a judgement such as "Those who does not read the Bible shall be condemned"? Well - I can't say that - I am not the Judge! But if we do not obey God because we do not even desire to seek out how to obey God (by reading His very Word) - you do the math - and measure what you are putting yourself into.
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