Stress and God

Since 2 Saturdays ago, I have been spending most of my waking hours studying.

Waiting in front of library at 9 am since it opens at 10 am.
Rushing to McD for lunch.
Staying in the library till evening when it closes on weekends.
Staying till library until 10 pm when it closes.
Vector Analysis was last Friday.
Complex Analysis was on Monday.
Today, there were TWO papers. Electrical Energy. Analogue and Digital Communications.

The stress has been building all the while. I told Kenneth on Friday - I know when I enter eternity, all these tests will seem like nothing. In heaven, I won't remember the tests and exams - they will no longer matter. BUT, as menial they may look from and eternal point of view, I am trapped in this shell here where I can only imagine the word everlasting and forever, tests and exams is still a stressful matter.

On Friday, not only I shared with him about my studies and the headache that it gives me, I also asked him about marriage. He is married - he knows better. What if your Christian brother and you went after the same girl? What does your wife mean to you - surely it is not a Christian thing to view your wife as a bigger than life thing? Do your dreams intertwine, or does she conform to your dream?

As the questions would show, I had more than mere academic stress. I have to admit that sometimes "taking things as it is" seems to be so much more convenient, and in the matters of relationships, it seems to be helpful to "just be natural". Yet, I am stuck to the habit of planning and calculating.

I will count how much stress I will face the coming week since my "Digital Signal Processing" test is yet to come...20 marks there...How much weightage for my whole semester...

At times, it seems that the only way to reduce stress is to distract myself. Yet, at the back of my head, the memory of "something is still yet to be done" keeps coming over and over again.

Studies - Future - relationship - Future - Friends - Future - Tick Tock Tick Tock - It isn't resolved yet - How should I plan? Though my eyes stare into empty space, they see more than my mind can contain.

Friday, I did my Vector Analysis pretty well. Should be getting good marks. Yet, getting good marks should be the normal thing. Not that I really embrace high marks, it is simply my responsibility - that is what it is like when I'm not under FAMA scholarship.

Yet, I have no time to celebrate. I have another 4 papers. Friday night, I rested. Saturday it was studies. Once in a while when I am doing my math, I catch myself wondering about my future wife, what I would do when I finish my degree - while making sense of simply taking studies as a matter of responsibility, but also to learn how it is the means of some sort of end. As I grow to know more and to want more, I realize that I have control over less and less things - it makes me nervous.

A battle rages in my heart. The circumstances humble me, yet my ego chooses to think that I might still have some more control - I persuade, I dissuade, I plan, and I review the things I do, making sure everything will go according to plan - like a relay, there comes a point in time to realize that the baton is meant to be passed. I fret within myself over the things I cannot change.

There is a saying " God give me wisdom to change the things I can change, God give me the peace to accept the things I cannot change ". Yet I keep asking - Can this be changed? Surely, if I truly know if one thing cannot be changed - I won't, but I argue with myself, how sure are you that you cannot change. And many times, fighting for change is an uphill slope - and there is one thing about people who likes challenges in life:

Sometimes we take up a challenge simply because it is a challenge.

All I need is pride to do it.
I can grow smarter and wiser throughout the years. I can own more throughout the years. Yet, pride will never fail to blur my vision.

Why am I so stressed? I take upon myself things that I want to - for some reason that I would consider stupid from hindsight.

As I stepped into the classroom, the question paper for Vector Analysis came. The first question required me to "integrate by parts" - but instead of having two parts... there are three parts. How on earth can I integrate three parts? I start remembering spending more than 12 hours on Saturday alone to study for this subject... and now for a 10 mark paper - I can't answer the first question which carries 4 marks?

the test was 25 minutes, and I spent more than 5 minutes on the 4 marks question writing nonsense - I felt uneasy - no I was feeling frustration. I know that tests and exams are not something crucial in life, in 10 years time, who will remember that I lost marks in this paper? BUT, I PUT IN EFFORT! Don't tell me I put in effort to have it wasted! Impossible...
This would explain how I spent 10 minutes for the other 6 marks... and 15 minutes writing more nonsense on a 4 mark question.


Having no time to rest, I have less than 3 days to prepare for 2subjects, 3 chapters each. Tuesday night and Wednesday night, I slept for about 2-3 hours each day. Pumping myself with caffeine was the strategy. I can't lose marks - It is not a Joel thing. Studies became bigger and bigger. Yes there is God. But oh God, surely you don't understand what I am going through?

Surely You do - I acknowledge You being here, but what difference is it? At times I realize that God isn't about me - He didn't create a million galaxies and sent His Son to die a torturous death so I can get High Distinction for my paper? Surely God understands, yet there is a gap between the "here and now" and the "there and the future"

For this period, I neglected reading God's Word. I somehow "integrated" everything - reminding myself of God as I walk to classes and in between classes, and "thank you God for the food" as I realize that dinner is served. I wanted to have peace and assurance, but the heapful of notes that jeers at me, along with some 6 variable equations that I ought to memorize/understand - gave me somewhat a kind of "peer pressure". Who said that peers only have to be humans?

In the midst of frustration, I turned everywhere but to God. I turned to the phone. I turned to Youtube - watched power Rangers and CyberCop. I amaze myself of my resourcefulness. i jumped like an idiot around my room singing songs out of tune. I was almost going to go crazy. With the lack of sleep, and the cappuccino - my heart beat was somewhat beating twice as fast all the time. My eyes were awake and my head was thumping - and I will study through the night until 4:30 am.

Finally at about 5:30 am this morning I slept.

I was thinking, I didn't really sleep. If I did, it was probably an hour. Setting my alarm at 7 a.m. i woke up 3 times before 7 a.m. I was worried that I would not have enough time to do my last minute revision. Paper 1 was at 9a.m., paper 2 was at 12p.m. With a bad headache, I slept again.


and I dreamt.

I was washing my hands in a toilet. Suddenly there was a commotion outside the toilet. I hear people calling my name in cantonese.

"Joel, why are you so slow? Hurry and see!"
"Quick"

Pushing people aside, I ran out to see what happened.

It was my dad. A vein burst in his head, and he couldn't move. He was paralyzed, top down. his face looked lost. His faced looked helpless and a few people tried to hold him up preventing him from falling down.

Yet as I emerged from the crowd, my dad saw my face. And he smiled. It was a smile of contentment. I could see from his eyes:

"Its all good, thats my boy coming, thats my son!"

He was proud about his son, me. He was happy.

The voice of the crowds that jeered at my irresponsibility faded - the smile of acceptance from my father made it all good.

I looked at him, and my heart was touched, I was sad, yet I was happy - for that smile.

Then I woke up.

I stood up, walked to the back of house and looked out the window. My mind was awake, my heart was at peace. I looked up heaven. Simply still there, I considered creation, the beauty of it. Then I thought about my family - My father, mother, brother and sister.

"God... thank You. I have much. These are wonderful things You gave me. Thank You God for my father. My mother. My brother. My sister. My friends. Please save them. You show me what is good in life, and I am happy and I want to thank You for it. Thanks. My tests... Please take care of them. I think I'm okay if I don't get high marks, though I wish that somehow You will still give me grades."

I prayed.

Images of my family, and many issues flashed before my eyes. I was relieved. I had peace. There was still headache - but there was peace.

at 7:20a.m. I left the house for University - I still had two papers, grabbed cappuccino and started revising.

I sat for my Analogue and Digital Communication paper. I think I should be getting more than 80 marks for that paper.

Then I studied for my Electrical Energy paper during the break. For two hours, I suddenly understood everything that I did not understand the night before. I grew happy - yet I was distracted by the somewhat frightening thought that God is involved somehow. It somewhat a nervous thought to think that God is helping so actively now - as He always does in my life.

12 p.m.

I finished the 1 hour paper in 20 minutes. I'm confident that i am getting full marks for the paper.

Today, I am not just happy.

Happiness is a small thing. I am contented.

Contented that God did not work according to my schedule. Because of my immaturity and pride, he allowed me to go through a stressful period - with no signs of curing my stress. In the morning, He showed me what is truly important. He showed me the good things that I was blind to. To see something that I had, was almost like gaining the things themselves.

As I type this, peace and joy fills my heart.

My assurance is my God's character. God, when I grow up, I want to be just like You.