Dear Mr Alex Von Brasch

Post Summary:
Today, Alex, my Telecommunication subject lecturer asked me about how I found the course - so here is a reply which I will give him tomorrow

Dr. Alex, though nobody calls him that way - asked me very casually how I found the course thus far. Alex loves deriving Mathematical equations, and is always fascinated by double angles, integrations, and how technology is applied - he likes technology, creativity within mathematics and engineering. During classes, he spends much time deriving equations, telling us about the efficiency of certain systems - one could see that he loves what he teaches. Here is the reply:

Thanks Alex for asking,

I think the subject is wonderful thus far. I have been learning many new
things - about the coding system (how less bits are used for common information,
more bits are using for rare information). To learn about the different
modulating systems, how certain codes are more efficient than the others,
requiring synchronization - how the FM signal can be demodulated using the VCO
-

These are all very interesting, yet to some extent, as much as I want to
know more about the subject - I have to balance the tension between learning
much and memorizing concepts and formulas. There is simply too many things to
digest, and there is a certain grade that I aim to achieve. Classes are packed
along with all the tests and evaluations every other week - there simply isn't
much time to sit down and appreciate technology for what it is.

It is very unfortunate that the weeks have been shortened, I think the
class can see that there is more you want to tell and elaborate but time does
not permit. Even now as the exams are coming, there are also other subjects to
prepare for, and that failing subjects would incur heavy costs for students,
especially international students who pay an average of about 4 times more
fees.

But as a conclusion, I just want to let you know that I have learnt much
things in the TELE 3113 class. I thought it was a core subject and didn't know
it was an elective until recently. I will be doing TELE 4652 next semester as
I'm more interested in Telecommunication subjects. Thank you also for being
available whenever I looked for you during your consultation hour.

Your student,

Joel

Contentment

Post Summary:



I'm proposing that not knowing how to appreciate a good thing is effectually worse than not having a good thing. And all this relates to Gratitude and Ingrattitude. I hope this addition of summary will help the reader to have a frame to think with, and better understand the article.



When I have received a good thing but then I know not how to appreciate it - and assuming a Bell Curve for good and bad things. I have received much of the "positive" end - yet I cannot recognize it - it is then irrelevant whether I will receive better things or not.

For those who are not in mathematics or Engineering - Bell Curve, is some probability system that says ( in this context ), on average, a person will face very few extremely bad things, some average bad things, a lot of "middle" things, some good things, and very few extremely good things in life. It is also called the normal distribution.

Take 2 persons: John and Cassie

John received few good things in life - therefore within himself, he continues to hunger for good things. Probability tells me that he will soon be satisfied and he will live in enjoyment. Probabilty tells him his hope has some measure of grounds to it. Assuming a Bell Curve, being at the 70-percentile, he can look forward to the 30 more percent that he has yet to receive.

Cassie received much good in life, yet she does not know how to appreciate it. She knows she has little to expect. at the 90th-percentile, she wonders if 90% is so tasteless, what more could an additional increase of 10% give. She is worse off compared to John, although she has retained her present comfort, yet she has lost her hope for better things. For she cannot between what is good and better anymore.


Really, what is a good thing to receive in life is eyes to see the present good.
I am talking about myself, though I do not doubt that many people need the same eyes too.

Gratitude.

Gratitude has got to come with humility. Pride trumpets self-sufficiency. One may be strong enough in life to be self-sufficient in certain areas in life, yet a self-sufficient attitude breeds an independent spirit. Not the good kind of independance, but the kind that causes ingratitude.

And ingratitude - is blindness towards goodness.

Ingratitude kills joy faster than anything else, since it robs the joy of receiving gifts - for gratitude springs from the fact that we know we are receiving goodness that we do not deserve. And truly, a physical lack of nourishment can be easily be fulfilled in our part of the world, yet an emotional and spiritual void, what can fill?

Humility in our world is such a low word. The voices call "flaunt it!" yet, a wise person would choose humilty than 'flaunt it' - for he knows the true winner is the one who enjoys much, not as simplistic as just having much.

And isn't the secret of contentment simply true gratitude?

I'm not being content. Now, i'm not so worried to have less - but that I'm blind.

God, please open my eyes. Not only mine, but the eyes of the many people of this world.

Stress and God

Since 2 Saturdays ago, I have been spending most of my waking hours studying.

Waiting in front of library at 9 am since it opens at 10 am.
Rushing to McD for lunch.
Staying in the library till evening when it closes on weekends.
Staying till library until 10 pm when it closes.
Vector Analysis was last Friday.
Complex Analysis was on Monday.
Today, there were TWO papers. Electrical Energy. Analogue and Digital Communications.

The stress has been building all the while. I told Kenneth on Friday - I know when I enter eternity, all these tests will seem like nothing. In heaven, I won't remember the tests and exams - they will no longer matter. BUT, as menial they may look from and eternal point of view, I am trapped in this shell here where I can only imagine the word everlasting and forever, tests and exams is still a stressful matter.

On Friday, not only I shared with him about my studies and the headache that it gives me, I also asked him about marriage. He is married - he knows better. What if your Christian brother and you went after the same girl? What does your wife mean to you - surely it is not a Christian thing to view your wife as a bigger than life thing? Do your dreams intertwine, or does she conform to your dream?

As the questions would show, I had more than mere academic stress. I have to admit that sometimes "taking things as it is" seems to be so much more convenient, and in the matters of relationships, it seems to be helpful to "just be natural". Yet, I am stuck to the habit of planning and calculating.

I will count how much stress I will face the coming week since my "Digital Signal Processing" test is yet to come...20 marks there...How much weightage for my whole semester...

At times, it seems that the only way to reduce stress is to distract myself. Yet, at the back of my head, the memory of "something is still yet to be done" keeps coming over and over again.

Studies - Future - relationship - Future - Friends - Future - Tick Tock Tick Tock - It isn't resolved yet - How should I plan? Though my eyes stare into empty space, they see more than my mind can contain.

Friday, I did my Vector Analysis pretty well. Should be getting good marks. Yet, getting good marks should be the normal thing. Not that I really embrace high marks, it is simply my responsibility - that is what it is like when I'm not under FAMA scholarship.

Yet, I have no time to celebrate. I have another 4 papers. Friday night, I rested. Saturday it was studies. Once in a while when I am doing my math, I catch myself wondering about my future wife, what I would do when I finish my degree - while making sense of simply taking studies as a matter of responsibility, but also to learn how it is the means of some sort of end. As I grow to know more and to want more, I realize that I have control over less and less things - it makes me nervous.

A battle rages in my heart. The circumstances humble me, yet my ego chooses to think that I might still have some more control - I persuade, I dissuade, I plan, and I review the things I do, making sure everything will go according to plan - like a relay, there comes a point in time to realize that the baton is meant to be passed. I fret within myself over the things I cannot change.

There is a saying " God give me wisdom to change the things I can change, God give me the peace to accept the things I cannot change ". Yet I keep asking - Can this be changed? Surely, if I truly know if one thing cannot be changed - I won't, but I argue with myself, how sure are you that you cannot change. And many times, fighting for change is an uphill slope - and there is one thing about people who likes challenges in life:

Sometimes we take up a challenge simply because it is a challenge.

All I need is pride to do it.
I can grow smarter and wiser throughout the years. I can own more throughout the years. Yet, pride will never fail to blur my vision.

Why am I so stressed? I take upon myself things that I want to - for some reason that I would consider stupid from hindsight.

As I stepped into the classroom, the question paper for Vector Analysis came. The first question required me to "integrate by parts" - but instead of having two parts... there are three parts. How on earth can I integrate three parts? I start remembering spending more than 12 hours on Saturday alone to study for this subject... and now for a 10 mark paper - I can't answer the first question which carries 4 marks?

the test was 25 minutes, and I spent more than 5 minutes on the 4 marks question writing nonsense - I felt uneasy - no I was feeling frustration. I know that tests and exams are not something crucial in life, in 10 years time, who will remember that I lost marks in this paper? BUT, I PUT IN EFFORT! Don't tell me I put in effort to have it wasted! Impossible...
This would explain how I spent 10 minutes for the other 6 marks... and 15 minutes writing more nonsense on a 4 mark question.


Having no time to rest, I have less than 3 days to prepare for 2subjects, 3 chapters each. Tuesday night and Wednesday night, I slept for about 2-3 hours each day. Pumping myself with caffeine was the strategy. I can't lose marks - It is not a Joel thing. Studies became bigger and bigger. Yes there is God. But oh God, surely you don't understand what I am going through?

Surely You do - I acknowledge You being here, but what difference is it? At times I realize that God isn't about me - He didn't create a million galaxies and sent His Son to die a torturous death so I can get High Distinction for my paper? Surely God understands, yet there is a gap between the "here and now" and the "there and the future"

For this period, I neglected reading God's Word. I somehow "integrated" everything - reminding myself of God as I walk to classes and in between classes, and "thank you God for the food" as I realize that dinner is served. I wanted to have peace and assurance, but the heapful of notes that jeers at me, along with some 6 variable equations that I ought to memorize/understand - gave me somewhat a kind of "peer pressure". Who said that peers only have to be humans?

In the midst of frustration, I turned everywhere but to God. I turned to the phone. I turned to Youtube - watched power Rangers and CyberCop. I amaze myself of my resourcefulness. i jumped like an idiot around my room singing songs out of tune. I was almost going to go crazy. With the lack of sleep, and the cappuccino - my heart beat was somewhat beating twice as fast all the time. My eyes were awake and my head was thumping - and I will study through the night until 4:30 am.

Finally at about 5:30 am this morning I slept.

I was thinking, I didn't really sleep. If I did, it was probably an hour. Setting my alarm at 7 a.m. i woke up 3 times before 7 a.m. I was worried that I would not have enough time to do my last minute revision. Paper 1 was at 9a.m., paper 2 was at 12p.m. With a bad headache, I slept again.


and I dreamt.

I was washing my hands in a toilet. Suddenly there was a commotion outside the toilet. I hear people calling my name in cantonese.

"Joel, why are you so slow? Hurry and see!"
"Quick"

Pushing people aside, I ran out to see what happened.

It was my dad. A vein burst in his head, and he couldn't move. He was paralyzed, top down. his face looked lost. His faced looked helpless and a few people tried to hold him up preventing him from falling down.

Yet as I emerged from the crowd, my dad saw my face. And he smiled. It was a smile of contentment. I could see from his eyes:

"Its all good, thats my boy coming, thats my son!"

He was proud about his son, me. He was happy.

The voice of the crowds that jeered at my irresponsibility faded - the smile of acceptance from my father made it all good.

I looked at him, and my heart was touched, I was sad, yet I was happy - for that smile.

Then I woke up.

I stood up, walked to the back of house and looked out the window. My mind was awake, my heart was at peace. I looked up heaven. Simply still there, I considered creation, the beauty of it. Then I thought about my family - My father, mother, brother and sister.

"God... thank You. I have much. These are wonderful things You gave me. Thank You God for my father. My mother. My brother. My sister. My friends. Please save them. You show me what is good in life, and I am happy and I want to thank You for it. Thanks. My tests... Please take care of them. I think I'm okay if I don't get high marks, though I wish that somehow You will still give me grades."

I prayed.

Images of my family, and many issues flashed before my eyes. I was relieved. I had peace. There was still headache - but there was peace.

at 7:20a.m. I left the house for University - I still had two papers, grabbed cappuccino and started revising.

I sat for my Analogue and Digital Communication paper. I think I should be getting more than 80 marks for that paper.

Then I studied for my Electrical Energy paper during the break. For two hours, I suddenly understood everything that I did not understand the night before. I grew happy - yet I was distracted by the somewhat frightening thought that God is involved somehow. It somewhat a nervous thought to think that God is helping so actively now - as He always does in my life.

12 p.m.

I finished the 1 hour paper in 20 minutes. I'm confident that i am getting full marks for the paper.

Today, I am not just happy.

Happiness is a small thing. I am contented.

Contented that God did not work according to my schedule. Because of my immaturity and pride, he allowed me to go through a stressful period - with no signs of curing my stress. In the morning, He showed me what is truly important. He showed me the good things that I was blind to. To see something that I had, was almost like gaining the things themselves.

As I type this, peace and joy fills my heart.

My assurance is my God's character. God, when I grow up, I want to be just like You.

The Con Job Part 1

The Con Job Series, Part 1

Exams are coming, so I'll just start this series which I will update once in a while on HOW peopl can con you, and that you always should be careful.

Sometimes for the sake of selfish argument, I catch myself using these unethical tactics or argument - so here... the Christian version of "me" will disarm the selfish version of "me"

This post, I will be talking about giving false impression. Its quite simple, and it is subtle, consider this:

A person who eats very unhealthily wants to justify himself that he is not exactly doing the wrong thing.

A few characters for your understanding:

John - the unhealthy Guy
Mr. EatGood - a guy who eats a lot of health food

He gives you an example:

Did you hear about the news of Mr. EatGood who died last thursday? I know
you are going to say that it was a freak accident - but he still died.

You see, we don't really know when we are going to die, so the thing is as
long as we are not taking drugs which kills us, then it is really alright to
just enjoy our food - and not be over health conscious.

Consider Mr. EatGood2, and Mr. EatGood3 - they all died - I know they
didn't smoke, but the second hand smoke they came into contact with still killed
them ( and yes we know that non smokers die of lung cancer too, for something
not their fault ).

You see, there are a few tricks that are being played here:

1) Diversion -
He brings in the element of enjoyment vs. non-enjoyment, and also whether we know when we die or not. We have to be confident of our point. We are not saying that eating healthy will prolong your life most indefinitely, i.e. if you eat healthy you are destined to live to 100. We are stating a rule - i.e. be healthy, eat healthy. A few exceptions do not break a rule.

2) Impression of truth being generalized -
He takes exceptions out of context. For every Mr. EatGood that died, hundreds of Mr. EatGood lived much longer. We know this by rule, not by exceptions. Example: Exams are coming tomorrow and we study for the exams, we don't wonder that we might die tomorrow on the way to College and decide that since we are never certain of how long we live, therefore we don't study. That is called irresponsibility.

Note: They do not need to say wrong "facts" to win the argument. All the need to do is de-emphasize on what we are REALLY saying, and overemphasize on things that we might be implying.

When these two elements come into play (there may be more that I missed out), we who argue for the right thing are blurred by:

1)Too many ideas that are brought into play
If you are ready, i.e. you know how to counter the arguments - do it point by point. Finish one argument then the other. At times when I speak with those who try to disprove God's existence, these patterns are most obvious. Halfway through talking about historical facts, they ask "Why then is there suffering in the world". As with any important issue, we know that the answer is not a one liner - halfway explaining why there is suffering, they ask me "then how about evolution".

Whether they are intentional or not I do not know, but what I know is that I cannot continue talking to him in that pattern. We ought to know we are not likely to convince a man who is set against your opinions - how much more within one argument? So, make your point and leave it there. Gently acknowledge the other person's questions, and refuse the others, or postpone them for a better time.

2) Too many words
The accusations are always the same. The reason being that many people have probably accused him or confronted John who eats unhealthily... So he is very very well versed in defending himself. Wherelse, it is our bad day to enter a foolish argument. Why on earth would we have so many prepared arguments on our mind to attack his stand? Either do not enter the argument, or use the "closed ended final word" method. That is, say a one liner that you need to say, and refuse to talk further. For example:

John, you know its bad for you - but if you do not think so, it is up to you - you reap the consequences anyway, not me. I don't want to argue, you just think about it okay?

You have refused to argue and he can only say YES or NO. To say yes is to somewhat say that he acknowledges the truth you speak. To say NO is too degrading for a person who likes to argue - how can he chicken out of an argument by saying " I don't want to consider your point of view ".

A Little Summary of Ambition

So far, topics that have been written basically revolves around theology, philosophy, psychology... Of course there are a few random posts about dreams, girls, and daily life.

I will quickly summarize the recent issues that my mind has been handling:

Studies are taxing and they demand long hours. I do not think I will be using the things I learn a few years after I graduate.

Studying engineering is a good training of my mind. I learn logical arguments. Since most people recognize engineering as a tough subject, perhaps they will respect my arguments more. I suffered a time when I think I did provide logical solid arguments ( though my methods of argument were still immature ), but I was pushed aside as I was still young, and had little achievements. Perhaps when Ifinish my degree, they will have to at least recognize an engineering degree if not me.

This line of thoughts will lead me on to my concerns about Career. I have a vision. In simplest language, it is to be faithful in doing what God wants me to do. I have thoughts about "what work creates the greatest impact". Of course, I come to learn that there is no such thing. However, please learn how I used an egoistic approach to reach this conclusion.

If I become a great leader, and I was inspired by some obscure pastor in some obscure place - then that pastor's obscure job is the work that creates the greatest impact. If my lecturer does not give me a hard time in University and then he influences me to be a faithful Christian in some way - then I become a good person, then his job is the best job.

However, when I think of it, it is not an entirely egoistic approach. The reason being my understanding that whatever thing I am in, God has set, and that has to be the best. Best not so much as in human terms, but in terms of God's grand plan. Since His grand plan consists not of many version except one, that is reality, then reality is the best.

A person can then think that I am watering down this whole doctrine that everything is best. Yes in some sense, i.e. as illustrated above. But of course, doing a job can have moral dimensions to it; but what God looks at is our faithfulness in doing our job - in a way that acknowledges that in my job I am really serving Him - the fulfilled needs as a result of my job being secondary.

Therefore, whoever that does a job in honour of God (personal responsibility) and as a result contribute to the good progression of reality - has the best job.

Of course, saying all this simply reveals my perspective of work - which I do owe Joshua Ng a big part to. However, this says little about what I really want to do.

What I really want to do. It might be a lil messy - but it is really all linked up.

Become a teacher in high school. Educate the kids well. If they end up being Christian, I pray that I will be able to mentor their high school years so that they will be matured - then they will become great leaders in the future. If I can raise up even a small group of Christians that will Love God with all their hearts - I think of myself as a great leader. How such a menial looking achievement can be thought of a great leader... even if I get this wrong, there ain't a better title than a child of God. My mom raising me to this day, she is a great leader.

If the students I teach end up becoming like me... of course they have become great leaders. I have thoughts of planting churches. What I really really want at the bottom is that... my life counts - for as much as possible. If a teacher gets the job done - I want to do it. If being a politician - that does it too. If it is a pastor - that does it too.

However, I can't really imagine myself an engineer for long. Anyway, this is also a part where I think my academics would come in. I hope that the teens will be glad an engineering student decided to teach them, and that he is a Christian - i.e. wow, it is a "Christian thing" to do that. Be a teacher to teach them not only how to solve a question, but the history, the whys and such... If the student doesn't become a Christian, I hope he still glorifies God that lives in me.

Besides that... It isn't simply only about academics and career. Apparent by now, it is my passion to think, to teach - whether I do a good job at it or not, I want to do it better anyway compared to now. I think I am built - to fail for the front part of my life, and also many instances of my life. Built - to struggle with my thoughts, thoughts about many things in life - to get wrong ideas and philosophies and approaches.

Then the grace of God that saves me is magnified. The simplicity of the Gospel, will triumph over my erroneous philosophies. My failures are as good as forgotten for God's overwhelming glory will surpass it. I have a strong sense of "I am built for this" thought, and it is a wierd thing I can't get it out of mind mind, neither do I want to do so.

I have little thoughts about doing it together with any other person. Every now and then, I do cross people - Christians, which I sometimes try to put them into my agenda of "my idea of God's plan". i.e. when I am the prime minister, he will be in charge of the finances, this guy looks like a good foreign policy guy, this guy will help me win the elections, etc. But really, from all I write, I think it shows that my friends are basically the people who have helped me in some ways, or most importantly are my spiritual mentors.

However, who I really want to do all this is with my wife.

My wife and I will become one flesh. Does it mean that our dreams will intertwine? I think so. She - will be the greatest leader. I can't imagine all the backstage jobs. Should all that I say come to pass in some way, she and I will ride on God's waves - wherever and however he brings.

We will endure things together. I don't think I will leave a life too smooth, although I don't see how my preferences would tilt that way. My wife and I will serve together. Being hardworking makes a total opposite of working hard alone. We will work, live, learn, play, - we will worship God together.

She is matured. She is growing in God stably. She is faithful in doing what God has put her to do. She has dreams of raising up good godly kids.

Hopefully, she agrees with me that raising good godly children is indeed one of the greatest achievements that any parent can have.

Everything, everything is linked. Wife - family, leaving a legacy, good works that last... this is really too much for another person to share. for now.

Hopefully, not too long.

tick tock tick tock...