"Joel, do you think they will moderate the marks for your Mathematics and Control Systems paper?"
"Do you think if you did well for your Electronics paper, the marks will compensate for those you loss in the earlier papers?"
Now that exams are over, I can't shout Yippee!!! either, because now another subject wakes me up...
"Joel, do you think your Mobile and Satellite Communications paper will make up for the marks you lost?" - "You really did make tons of careless mistakes!"
This little voices that wakes me up drives me crazy. Yet, deep within my heart, I didn't want such things to make me go crazy. It feels as though I am placing too much emphasis on my studies - so much so that I am depraving myself of setting my priorities right in life. This is no good, I start taking things for granted - and forget to be happy about the things I ought to be very thankful for.
After reading the Bible, I learn that my goal in life is not to live a life that is "successful" as the world measures it. Neither should I continue thinking of God as one who supports my fanciful fantasies of fame, success, wealth, and whatever-nots. I remember sending my mother an sms right before my final exam. She replied very quickly saying things like -
"I claim the promises of God for you! That Jesus will help you through every battle! You will conquer them in Jesus name!"
Things along those lines. The "battles in life" that she was mentioning was an exam paper...
I realize that it must be difficult for her to come to terms with the Bible - that "battles in life" isn't about academic or career success. I find it difficult too. It revealed itself when I started neglecting God as the exams pile up. I pray so much more at the examination table than my whole week outside the exam hall summed up.
What has my life become? What has my aim in life become? What has my knowing of God become? Is "battles in life" reduced to simply an endless pursuit of my fancies? What then is the difference between me as a Christian and a non-Christian?
I know the answers as to what I ought to do. And making a U-turn in my heart, to realize my faults, to own it up, and to commit myself to a clear and rational mind that desires God above everything I hold dear to (my studies, my dream-future-wife, my reputation, my petty selfish fears)...
That journey that I am somewhat familiar with, is one of the longest journeys I have ever taken in my life. This is one battle in my life. One I have to fight. Talk about fighting for someone you love - I'm far from being as noble as that, I am fighting for my very own humanity.
Its not even fighting, its really owning up - and admit that I have been living careless, and to turn around. Some... Many people think I overreact/overrespond, but if we look at our lives carefully, we will always notice that the many pitfalls we get ourselves into always started with the first wrong step. Too few things in life happen suddenly. Yet somehow, when God opens our eyes to see our faults, we get surprised. I am an idiot for that, but thank God for helping me realise that.
So often, I see the mistakes that I make in others. So often, I want to warn them and correct them - desiring that they would not fall into the things I fall into... but I know my life fails to be a good testimony. But that is also good, then they know I am not trying to teach them as a teacher, but warning them as a brother.
Talking about brothers - I remember some pretty wise saying from my older brother - Noel Lee Chee Leong
He said
"You must learn how to spend money more than how to
earn money"
I asked
"Why?"
He replied
"If you can't find a good reason to spend your money, why would you want to earn any money?"
My brother loves me, and protects me - I thank God for him. More than that, I hope my brother will come to know Jesus.
I'm heading back to Malaysia in about a week. There are so many things I learnt here in FOCUS. I doubt 3 months in Malaysia would be anywhere near sufficient to share the many experiences trying to live a Christian life I had with my friends and family. So much to do, so little time.
To make up for that, I bought books. Books that I would speak of as "I readeth, therefore I am". They are books with the very ideas that make me who I am. Well written by fellow Christians, explaining the Bible clearly and accurately.
I bought more than 30 books.
Its crazy.
It costs crazy too.
But it is worth it.
There are those for my dad, some for my mom.
Some for my pastors, some for my friends in church.
A little more for my special friend not in church.
Being as self centered as I am, I'm pretty glad that God gives me some good desires.
What more can I desire for my dad to come to know Jesus?
I desire the same thing for my mother, my sister, and my brother.
I truly desire my pastor to preach the Bible well - so that many more may come to know the Wonderful Saviour of the world - Jesus my God and King. I desire for my Christian friends to know Jesus more, to give their whole lives to Jesus, and to run this race on earth well.
I desire that my friends who are not with Jesus, to find out about this Jesus that died for their sins, my sins and the sins of the world.
Its crazy for me speak in this way and to say out what the kind of "Christian" desires. I know my life doesn't match it. I would despise myself if I saw myself in some other body. But because I am myself, I don't quite despise myself that much. The longer I live, the more my eyes grieve as I see myself in my short comings.
When I thought I was less materialistic, when I thought I was more patient and loving - how much further can I be from the truth! It is despairing.
The good thing is that I know I don't have to be fatalistic about this - I have Jesus. The whole idea that Jesus will continue to do His work in my heart so that I will become more and more like him - its so simple, its almost something that my pride cannot take. But I better do.
I'm so glad that I can spend money buying Christian books, I'm even more glad that I can practice Christianity... Jesus-ianity... Yeah...
There is this little voice that crosses my head every now and then...
I may board the aeroplane, but God knows if it will crash,or there will be some terrorist, or whatever - and I may not land where I want to. Maybe I will land where I want to, but maybe in more than one piece. If that happens, I have wasted such a big chucnk of my life thinking of things I ought not to be thinking about, and wasting time as I ought not to be wasting - the books that I bought, I will never be able to read them. My family will cry... Maybe some friends.I.Hope.Maybe.Maybe not.
If there is any better time to take the U-turn, it must have been yesterday.
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