This Man

There is this man - who is too scared of failing. So scared that he did not fail in the thing that he was afraid to fail in - he never did want to try it anymore. He was used to fail in it, now he decided that he wanted to fail no more.

The reason he no longer wants to fail - is that he understands that every single event that happens in life will trigger a series of other events which will lead to more events, he also understands that nobody ever represents only themselves - everybody always represent to some extent their family, their beliefs, and their upbringing.

Yet this man also thinks that since one thing leads on to the other - who knows his failure might turn out for good. This man is not stupid, he learns that the chances are slim and the stakes are high. This man lives in his private world with his private philosophies in life - his thinks his thoughts are private and that nobody shares it, but he knows deep in his heart everybody shares the same philosophy about themselves - insecurity.

Yet this man reasons that "insecurity" is too shallow a word to describe the painful experiences, and the potential loss, and the risk that has crossed his mind - and he believes - many others. And so, there is very little room left for this man. He can run away for now - but not forever. He can fake it. He thought perhaps "facing it" might be the right thing to do... but he does not know how.

For the good of himself, and for the good of society - he runs. He runs and hope that he can live out other areas of life fully - perhaps the goodness of other parts will somehow compensate for this area of failure. Yet this man knows himself too well that this is a lie. If a man's stomach is empty, he can eat. If a man's heart is sad, can tasty food satisfy him?

This man has little reasonings left to comfort him. He finds little pleasure in the things of this world. He is timid, he is shocked - he is bewildered at his own weakness, and wickedness while people around him think highly of him. Perhaps, even this thought is a product of his imagination and insecurity. Everywhere he turns, he is tempted to do evil - everything he does, it reveals his insecurity.

He dreads the day - he knows one day of living is one day of sinning. He would so rather die today - but he know he is not meant to do so. It is not because this man knows killing is wrong, but he knows that this life does not belong to him - but God the Creator.

Therefore, this man's hope is in his Creator - his hope of security, his hope of purity, his hope of joy, his hope of love. This man has disappointed himself once too many, not to mention that his dillusions has made him expect unreasonable things from others - this man has no more regard for his philosophy. He has given up - He has given in to God.

Wisdom means something new to this man. He thinks of God's Word as wisdom. Figuring out the world and himself on his own is a pile of confusion. Therefore, this man clings to God's Wisdom. Belonging also means something new to this man. He no longer belongs to this world. When he is deprived and despaired of meaningful relationship in this world, he rejoices in the fact that heaven is his home... and the present pains are a reminder to his temporal stay on earth.

This man is an escapist. But not the common escapist. He delays his escape. He escapes when he dies - but while on this earth, he will stand firm. God will enable him to stand. One day, when the pain in this body becomes too great that it gives way, the spirit of this man will rejoice and find himself at home with God. Yet, even this very moment, the spirit of this man suffers and endures much pain that the body faces.

Living day by day with his body, this spirit learns of God - as the spirit learns to endure pain in this world - this spirit learns that God must have endured much more pain. As the spirit learns to expect the man to be sinning tomorrow in one way or the other, this spirit also learns of God's grace that forgives the sin that this man will commit in the future. When the spirit of this man starves for the comfort that this man failed to provide, rather than feeling God's love immediately, the spirit of this man learns that he is not alone, and that even God has experienced such things.

This man recalls that Jesus became a man to identify Himself with man. And through this spirit in the man - he realize that he is made alive to be identified with Jesus. This spirit will learn the footsteps of Jesus through obedience, love and suffering - and this spirit will get a new friend, the Holy Spirit of God, who will empower and encourage this spirit to follow Jesus.

This man's body is dying. But his spirit grows day by day. One day, when his heart fails and fail to give him life in this body - he will then obtain a new heart, a new life - one that is free from stain.

This man will be a man who is joyful, and will live in peace forever. This man looks to heaven with hope.

This man is me.

Without and Within

A thousand wars without I can fight, yet who can stop my own hand against myself?
Fights so intense I can stand, but when the heart is troubled... How can I stand.
An enemy I can overcome, a friend - I can't, I can only give in.

What are wars? What are fights? What are enemies? NOTHING. They are all easy prey.

But I cannot stop my hand...
My heart is the source of the trouble - how can a heart be solved?
I am my friend who have been living with me since forever...

If I don't stand up for myself... Who will?

Supposedly someone else's knight in shining armour - I am now my damsel in distress. Can I be my own knight?

This side of heaven, things go unexplained. My soul groans for the pain - heart and mind.

Heaven, how I long for you. I know... good stories never end with the damsel failing... but Jesus, my knight in shining armour will one day appear in power - and carry me back to where I belong.

Called home to be with The Lord... should be a colourful advertisement... not grayscale.

Time Passes Slowly

This season of my life, is so familiar. It looks just like half a decade ago.

5 years ago, I thought I was matured. But honestly, I was really childish and stupid. God brought me through that season, and I emerged as a slightly more matured person, a thinker and a feeler in a richer sense - I think more, and I felt more. I became more human, I became a little more like Jesus, though the idea of similarity is still far fetched. After that 5 years ago, I could no longer communicate well with the peers of my time. I grew, but I also grew into a journey which is more lonely.

5 years later - today. It feels like a mini series replaying. I think I am pretty matured now. But I know I am up for some enlightenment to know that it must have been proud of me to think in such a manner. I know, because I am a Christian... I know that I will emerge again as a slightly more matured person, a thinker and a feeler in a richer sense - I will think more, I will feel more... I will become more human, I will grow to be more like Jesus.

I know this is one price that I will pay reluctantly, because there isn't anything better around to spend my life on. What I have experienced through the years - what I think is a gift from God... is this:

God gave me many things. Timely things. Things that are worth for a season and no more.
Yet through the giving and taking away of temporal things, God gave me things that nobody can ever take away. God gave me experience. God gave me a life story. God filled up my history. Should one day my life be read as a book, they will see God's traces, God's fingerprints, God's poem.

I have not learnt to amass. God didn't teach me to amass anything. The things God gave me is unseen. It was not talents, neither is it intelligence - He gave me a mind and a heart. A mind and a heart that would continually grow to learn that He is trustworthy, and one that will know that this season is a season of growing up - and not a season to ask: Why God? Why now? Why me?

I have been growing up in various ways for the past 6 years or so. Every time it has to do with my self esteem - I learn that neither high nor low self esteem is the way to go - but one that is a clear evaluation of who I am; for self esteem is not one thing that is supposed to bring me up or pull me down, as though it is a tool that works like pep talk... but self esteem is to know that I am nothing before God, yet God cares for my life, and my very heart - self esteem teaches me gratefulness, contentment, humility, quietness, stability, calmness.

Every time it has to do with relationships. I learn that relationships make or break a person. Things don't make or break a person... people do. The people that can hurt us the most, is the one that we imagine to have a good relationship with. But I learn that in the midst of hurt, though I feel alone, yet I am not lonely. When I hurt, I share the fate of millions - when I am high and happy, I only know the true feelings of a few people. Relationships are relationships, they are not always a source of confidence, not always a source of dependence - but relationships are things that define a person. I am a child of God, I am a child of man. I have a Father in heaven, I have a father on earth. I have siblings in the heavenly realms, I have siblings in the earthly realms. I was once among those who are lost, now I am with those who are found. In relationships, I find a reason to grow - growth is to know God more, trust God more, and enjoy God more. Other than that, I find no reason in producing excellent work, nor much reason to continue in a seemingly endless toil on earth.

Every time, time feels like a big factor. I find myself asking - when will this ever end? History repeats over and over. The message is singular. I learn that I can't learn heart lessons too many times. The night is darkest before dawn - As much as hope is in the end, time is a big part of the lesson. I learn that I don't just turn happy because God did something, but that God did something over time, and He did it many times, and I know He will do it again and again. Faithfulness is one thing only time can tell. God is faithful - He is 5 years ago, He is since I was born, He is since 2000 years ago - when He fulfilled a promise since the days of Adam and Eve.

Time passes slowly. In the quietness of the night, my thoughts become calm. Conflict and strivings melt into a frozen state, I seem to have ample time to think - in a lonely and quiet night alone, I enter into another world. I enter into a new type of reality. In this reality, the rubber doesn't hit the road, things are dully ideal - i explore this compartment of my philosophy that executes thoughts without much pressure from the daily demands in life. Since I am alone, I can let my thoughts flow - nobody is waiting for an answer from my lips, I have no responsibility to "make everyone at the dinner table talk to one another" - it is like, I don't even feel God is in my room. There are few situations in my life where I make biggest decisions in life:

When I am alone this way.
or when I am alone with God.

This year, is a turning point in my life. One way will lead on to the other. And for a long long time, the words written here will have very little meaning until I reach my next turning point in life. These words have little meaning, but these words will chart out the course until I reach the next turning point.