This Man

There is this man - who is too scared of failing. So scared that he did not fail in the thing that he was afraid to fail in - he never did want to try it anymore. He was used to fail in it, now he decided that he wanted to fail no more.

The reason he no longer wants to fail - is that he understands that every single event that happens in life will trigger a series of other events which will lead to more events, he also understands that nobody ever represents only themselves - everybody always represent to some extent their family, their beliefs, and their upbringing.

Yet this man also thinks that since one thing leads on to the other - who knows his failure might turn out for good. This man is not stupid, he learns that the chances are slim and the stakes are high. This man lives in his private world with his private philosophies in life - his thinks his thoughts are private and that nobody shares it, but he knows deep in his heart everybody shares the same philosophy about themselves - insecurity.

Yet this man reasons that "insecurity" is too shallow a word to describe the painful experiences, and the potential loss, and the risk that has crossed his mind - and he believes - many others. And so, there is very little room left for this man. He can run away for now - but not forever. He can fake it. He thought perhaps "facing it" might be the right thing to do... but he does not know how.

For the good of himself, and for the good of society - he runs. He runs and hope that he can live out other areas of life fully - perhaps the goodness of other parts will somehow compensate for this area of failure. Yet this man knows himself too well that this is a lie. If a man's stomach is empty, he can eat. If a man's heart is sad, can tasty food satisfy him?

This man has little reasonings left to comfort him. He finds little pleasure in the things of this world. He is timid, he is shocked - he is bewildered at his own weakness, and wickedness while people around him think highly of him. Perhaps, even this thought is a product of his imagination and insecurity. Everywhere he turns, he is tempted to do evil - everything he does, it reveals his insecurity.

He dreads the day - he knows one day of living is one day of sinning. He would so rather die today - but he know he is not meant to do so. It is not because this man knows killing is wrong, but he knows that this life does not belong to him - but God the Creator.

Therefore, this man's hope is in his Creator - his hope of security, his hope of purity, his hope of joy, his hope of love. This man has disappointed himself once too many, not to mention that his dillusions has made him expect unreasonable things from others - this man has no more regard for his philosophy. He has given up - He has given in to God.

Wisdom means something new to this man. He thinks of God's Word as wisdom. Figuring out the world and himself on his own is a pile of confusion. Therefore, this man clings to God's Wisdom. Belonging also means something new to this man. He no longer belongs to this world. When he is deprived and despaired of meaningful relationship in this world, he rejoices in the fact that heaven is his home... and the present pains are a reminder to his temporal stay on earth.

This man is an escapist. But not the common escapist. He delays his escape. He escapes when he dies - but while on this earth, he will stand firm. God will enable him to stand. One day, when the pain in this body becomes too great that it gives way, the spirit of this man will rejoice and find himself at home with God. Yet, even this very moment, the spirit of this man suffers and endures much pain that the body faces.

Living day by day with his body, this spirit learns of God - as the spirit learns to endure pain in this world - this spirit learns that God must have endured much more pain. As the spirit learns to expect the man to be sinning tomorrow in one way or the other, this spirit also learns of God's grace that forgives the sin that this man will commit in the future. When the spirit of this man starves for the comfort that this man failed to provide, rather than feeling God's love immediately, the spirit of this man learns that he is not alone, and that even God has experienced such things.

This man recalls that Jesus became a man to identify Himself with man. And through this spirit in the man - he realize that he is made alive to be identified with Jesus. This spirit will learn the footsteps of Jesus through obedience, love and suffering - and this spirit will get a new friend, the Holy Spirit of God, who will empower and encourage this spirit to follow Jesus.

This man's body is dying. But his spirit grows day by day. One day, when his heart fails and fail to give him life in this body - he will then obtain a new heart, a new life - one that is free from stain.

This man will be a man who is joyful, and will live in peace forever. This man looks to heaven with hope.

This man is me.