Time Passes Slowly

This season of my life, is so familiar. It looks just like half a decade ago.

5 years ago, I thought I was matured. But honestly, I was really childish and stupid. God brought me through that season, and I emerged as a slightly more matured person, a thinker and a feeler in a richer sense - I think more, and I felt more. I became more human, I became a little more like Jesus, though the idea of similarity is still far fetched. After that 5 years ago, I could no longer communicate well with the peers of my time. I grew, but I also grew into a journey which is more lonely.

5 years later - today. It feels like a mini series replaying. I think I am pretty matured now. But I know I am up for some enlightenment to know that it must have been proud of me to think in such a manner. I know, because I am a Christian... I know that I will emerge again as a slightly more matured person, a thinker and a feeler in a richer sense - I will think more, I will feel more... I will become more human, I will grow to be more like Jesus.

I know this is one price that I will pay reluctantly, because there isn't anything better around to spend my life on. What I have experienced through the years - what I think is a gift from God... is this:

God gave me many things. Timely things. Things that are worth for a season and no more.
Yet through the giving and taking away of temporal things, God gave me things that nobody can ever take away. God gave me experience. God gave me a life story. God filled up my history. Should one day my life be read as a book, they will see God's traces, God's fingerprints, God's poem.

I have not learnt to amass. God didn't teach me to amass anything. The things God gave me is unseen. It was not talents, neither is it intelligence - He gave me a mind and a heart. A mind and a heart that would continually grow to learn that He is trustworthy, and one that will know that this season is a season of growing up - and not a season to ask: Why God? Why now? Why me?

I have been growing up in various ways for the past 6 years or so. Every time it has to do with my self esteem - I learn that neither high nor low self esteem is the way to go - but one that is a clear evaluation of who I am; for self esteem is not one thing that is supposed to bring me up or pull me down, as though it is a tool that works like pep talk... but self esteem is to know that I am nothing before God, yet God cares for my life, and my very heart - self esteem teaches me gratefulness, contentment, humility, quietness, stability, calmness.

Every time it has to do with relationships. I learn that relationships make or break a person. Things don't make or break a person... people do. The people that can hurt us the most, is the one that we imagine to have a good relationship with. But I learn that in the midst of hurt, though I feel alone, yet I am not lonely. When I hurt, I share the fate of millions - when I am high and happy, I only know the true feelings of a few people. Relationships are relationships, they are not always a source of confidence, not always a source of dependence - but relationships are things that define a person. I am a child of God, I am a child of man. I have a Father in heaven, I have a father on earth. I have siblings in the heavenly realms, I have siblings in the earthly realms. I was once among those who are lost, now I am with those who are found. In relationships, I find a reason to grow - growth is to know God more, trust God more, and enjoy God more. Other than that, I find no reason in producing excellent work, nor much reason to continue in a seemingly endless toil on earth.

Every time, time feels like a big factor. I find myself asking - when will this ever end? History repeats over and over. The message is singular. I learn that I can't learn heart lessons too many times. The night is darkest before dawn - As much as hope is in the end, time is a big part of the lesson. I learn that I don't just turn happy because God did something, but that God did something over time, and He did it many times, and I know He will do it again and again. Faithfulness is one thing only time can tell. God is faithful - He is 5 years ago, He is since I was born, He is since 2000 years ago - when He fulfilled a promise since the days of Adam and Eve.

Time passes slowly. In the quietness of the night, my thoughts become calm. Conflict and strivings melt into a frozen state, I seem to have ample time to think - in a lonely and quiet night alone, I enter into another world. I enter into a new type of reality. In this reality, the rubber doesn't hit the road, things are dully ideal - i explore this compartment of my philosophy that executes thoughts without much pressure from the daily demands in life. Since I am alone, I can let my thoughts flow - nobody is waiting for an answer from my lips, I have no responsibility to "make everyone at the dinner table talk to one another" - it is like, I don't even feel God is in my room. There are few situations in my life where I make biggest decisions in life:

When I am alone this way.
or when I am alone with God.

This year, is a turning point in my life. One way will lead on to the other. And for a long long time, the words written here will have very little meaning until I reach my next turning point in life. These words have little meaning, but these words will chart out the course until I reach the next turning point.