Pains and Pleasures in Growing Up

I'm 20 this year.

Earlier this month, a little girl called Sophie Lambert died of cancer, she was only 6. Elaine and I have been visiting her on a regular basis when she went through the operation. She was healing well until an unexpected infection killed her in about 2 days.

Just two days ago, my godmother died of cancer. I was born in her car before I got to the hospital. I just came home from the funeral parlor.

I went to SJMC this morning with Esther. My sister's friend - Patricia Lou is dying of cancer. She happens to be from DUMC also, same church as I. The doctors gave her 1 month.

Well, the sickness update will end here for this quarter of the year i hope. Everything in January.

Well, there are many more things that I learn in life as I grow up - perhaps not so much of the intellectual kind of learning, but the experience kind. I learn that as I grow up, people around me start dying.

There will be cute babies being born -
the joy of their existence cannot be negated by any other negative events;

Same goes to the deaths of people I know -
their loss cannot be redeemed with anything.

Not that I hope so, but I know more and more people are going to die. People that I know since I was a kid. I'm slightly thankful that I am not a person who has too much emotions - that is to say I don't usually get very sad, excited, or happy - though I wish I was richer in that sense sometimes.

Besides life and death, I learnt a few other things. I'm 20, in the blink of an eye, I will finish
my degree. I will be 22 by then. Then I will be working. Thats it, in 2 years - there ain't no more "life of a student" - I will be stepping into a place where I will be the freshest and the youngest, learning many things starting from 101. The perspective in life changes slightly, I will be earning a living and paying my bills.

What next? Marriage would not be too far. I'm not trying to be paranoid, but it seems that playing dating is no longer what it would be like back in high school.

"We make believe that it can last, but the idea of a real life long marriage is never considered. It wouldn't last till the end of high school anyway. Will it?"

But now, besides looking for a physically appealing girl, I would be considering if that person is someone I can live with for the next 40 years (if we don't happen to die somewhere in between) - not just somebody i can look at. I am not only looking for a friend and "reproduction partner", it is more like looking for a companion and a mother for my kids. I know that it is still some time away, but I think it only appropriate to date a person for a number of years before deciding on things that last a life time. So many people marry between 25 and 30.

25 would be 5 years away, and 30 would be an additional 5.

I was in high school yesterday - just 3 years ago.

I'll be 23 tomorrow.

Day after tomorrow, I wake up to find somebody else sharing my bed.

Then the day after, I wake up because a baby cried in the middle of the night!

Oh, when I was a kid, I was really so happy I wasn't a girl. Or else I would have had to give birth. That must be painful. But if I have kids, then the pain will be on my wife. She will be in pain. I will feel like a helpless idiot.

I shall not go too far. But maybe it isn't really that far. A physically appealing girl may be easily found in a brothel down the street, but a good mother and wife? I don't know. I like physical appeal, at times I even wish life was simpler and things like a good mother for my kids were irrelevant. But it seems that I have to get prepared for things I have yet to experience. What I have is simply role models for each ...

Well, here is a good mother and a great husband, can't seem to find those who keep on divorcing and get married again and again. Till divorce do us part.




Happy family

Is studies about interest anymore? Perhaps. However, what about that childhood dream - to study well and be the hero of the day in that chosen field.

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In the midst of all these. Somebody died of cancer. Unexpectedly. It could be anybody.

I look at life again. What are all the petty little things that I am really after? Jesus is with me and He has promised me only good - occasionally, with really good things wrapped in a little moment of tribulation...

Temptations come at times and my hand reaches out, wondering in my heart if I should ever take back my heart which was laid on the altar. I take it back for a while, to find that it was better left on the altar.

What is my little private ambition?

What is your little private ambition?

I fear, when God's voice grow distant.

I am afraid to grow up alone.

But I know I won't.

God will bring pleasure as I grow up.

God will bring more pleasure as I go through pains ... with Him.

I am destined to win with Him - it couldn't be any other way.

Kalyana Mitra

Kalyana Mitra

This is one word that I learnt from the Buddhist Camp that I attended after Christmas last year. It means spiritual friendship. For those who doesn't really get what is so spiritual about a spiritual friendship, I don't know too much either.

The things that a guy needs? Well, maybe not too safe for me to generalize here. Lets just say what I need.Not too much most of the time? Somebody who will be there every time - somebody who always TRULY understands.

I guess at different points of time in my life, "understand" would mean different things at different times.

I have come to learn an old truth that I was once privileged to know for the first time about 4 years back - humans are humans.

Sometimes I expect others to behave like God and to understand me like God would. I make them feel helpless, small, and stupid.

Sometimes I expect others to behave like God and to understand me like God would. I fall into delusion and loneliness - the kind of loneliness deep inside, a little hard to describe.

This is a hard lesson to learn for me who once called Jesus his best friend since Jesus was more or less his only friend. Then somehow lived in a manner that slowly pushed Jesus aside.

When the skies turn dark and the sun sets
The children go home, others get lost further into the darkness

 What a Friend We Have in Jesus

What a friend we have in Jesus,
all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful
who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden,
cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In his arms he'll take and shield thee;
thou wilt find a solace there.

I'm glad that now - in the midst of my experience of a deep sense of loneliness, I have a home to go to. Both my physical house with my biological parents - and also my knees in my heart with my Heavenly Father.

The bad thing is I am not feeling too well. The good thing is I am feeling not too well. Whatever that leads me home must be good, otherwise I would rather a bad thing happen. The skies are dark, wherever my friends go, I guess it is safest that I go home - maybe we will play again some other day before the skies grow dark.

I need security that ... is real

Cost

" Unlike other races, humans have such a short lifespan. Therefore, they always think in terms of 'what can I get out of using this?' instead of 'what is the cost of using this?'"

Loghaire from Arcanum, Sierra

For this whole month, I have learnt things at the cost of others. It costed them something. It costed me their trust. Nevertheless, these are great lessons in life that I could not really think how it could be learnt the other way - seeing what has been done, it is seems easy at this instant to rather not learn the lesson and preserve the relationship...

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Yet

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When I look back a few years from now, I do not know what I will choose. As selfish that I think myself sound, I'd rather risk relationships now than to risk it in the future - its something I want to get over with quickly (yet it concerns more than one person, it concerns more than me).

Isn't a lot of things in life that way? Nothing really ends at us. I do wrong, somebody else suffers too. There are times when I do wrong, and my friend - simply because he/she is my good friend steps in to the picture "unnecessarily" to pull me out/ solve the thing, and suffer for me. I can't blame them, they are my friends.

I've been breathing good friendship for sometime, and I have learnt lessons about trust, commitment and love at the cost of people around me. For that I apologize, I will not be able to repay.

Perhaps one of the things that I can do in honour of you all (but never repay), is to be a friend like you too - perhaps someday somebody will learn things at the cost of me. Simply because we are friends.

Through this all, the memory still stick with me. Because I think of you as my friend, I hurt when I see you hurt for me. Sometimes, I think that it would be good if you did not step in and I would be my hero to take my damage for myself. But I think I would rather die than to have no friends to be there to take the damage.

Friendship is not like accounts, I guess -

Just reminds me of what a lot of people find absurd about Christianity but not about our daily lives.

What? We somehow have sinned and then God had to die for us?
Well, thanks and no thanks - I didn't ask Him to die for ME. I can save myself. Anyway, even if I can't - now that you tell me about this whole sin thing, and I am responsible for sinning against God out of nowhere?

Well, this is kinda like the attitude that I hear when Christians start telling how Jesus loves us and had to go the cross to pay the price of our sins - and not His. So we can get saved.

Sounds absurd huh?

But I guess God loves me enough to show me how it could be played out with other humans too in an average day.



I remember watching "The Passion of The Christ" and I cried like a baby, in my heart i was saying "Jesus, don't die for me, I'm not worth it", yet I suppose good friendship would have had it no other way. Then again, I wouldn't have wanted it the other way. Then again, I ought to just accept the love and live in it. When things are done, "ifs" are no longer relevant.


Lyrics - Love Song by Third Day

Well i've heard a tale that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done.
I've never climbed the highest mountain
But I walked the hill of calvary

Chorus:
Just to be with you, I'll do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I'll give anything
I would give my life away.

I've heard a tale that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
All of those dreams are an empty notion
It can never be done
I've never swam the deepest ocean
But I walked upon the raging sea

Chorus

(Bridge) I know that you don't understand
the fullness of My love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don't realize
how much that I'd give you
But I promise, I would do it all again.

Chorus


The Road Not Taken
by Robert Frost

									Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
									And sorry I could not travel both
									And be one traveler, long I stood
									And looked down one as far as I could
									To where it bent in the undergrowth;
									Then took the other, as just as fair,
									And having perhaps the better claim,
									Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
									Though as for that the passing there
									Had worn them really about the same,
									And both that morning equally lay
									In leaves no step had trodden black.
									Oh, I kept the first for another day!
									Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
									I doubted if I should ever come back.
									I shall be telling this with a sigh
									Somewhere ages and ages hence:
									Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
									I took the one less traveled by,
									And that has made all the difference.

Thank you Jesus.
Thank you my friends.

The day may come when I turn evil
and all you deeds forget - though I wish not
But for the good deed you have done
Please never regret - you have made your impact.
The day may also pass by
Me living in a fashion as though I were ignorant
of all you have done
But somehow, God will see to it
that nothing goes wasted in His economy.



Sorry, but thank you.

Morning Greetings From Above

This morning, the short period before I woke up has been the most amazing time of my life for the week.

A little background:

For the past few weeks, I felt as though I was walking alone. I was here, God seemed near me, but not with me. I know from the Bible that God is definitely with me, for the Bible says God lives in His children - yet my heart was somewhat far from God. It is a lonely and purposeless feeling, I am no longer confident in things I do - for the very simple reason that I no longer get the assurance that my Heavenly Father approves of it.

I make friends, I write, I speak words, and I live day by day without a deep assurance that I am approved by God. I used to be living with that approval - yet somewhere along the line I lost it. I can easily recount how I slowly neglected that approval and no longer sought it. When I first lost sight of it, I did not quickly run back to God - the Love of my Life, yet I slowly crept into independence. The nice word for being lonely in my soul. It is killing me.

Until I got sick 3 days ago. It is already bad that I am alone deep within. Now I cannot even go out as freely as I want. I tried to read a little, it doesn't work, I try to pray a little - it only gets harder and harder. My heart has been messy, and the things of God had little appeal for me. Until this morning -

Around 8 a.m.

I do not know whether I was thinking or whether I was dreaming about random things which I don't even bother remembering ( I tend to remember most of my dreams ) - out of nowhere, my mind just popped out "Jesus Christ". I did not try to shrug it away, I was surprised even as my eyes were tightly shut and I was in a dreamy mode. I continued on with my previous thoughts after the "Jesus Christ" thought subsided. After a few seconds, the thought "Jesus Christ" came again. This happened for about 5 minutes.

Although I am no expert, there have been many instances in life where there will be interesting things that God does quietly in my mind that I really appreciate. A reminder of His presence coming through my mind happens once in a while, but I did not expect it this way. Then I fixed my mind on that thought and pondered. Very quickly, my mind recalled a passage that I read only yesterday, Isaiah 53 - one of the many prophecies 700 years before Christ was born.

Isaiah 53

Who believes what we've heard and seen? Who would have thought God's saving power would look like this?

The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling,
a scrubby plant in a parched field.

There was nothing attractive about him,
nothing to cause us to take a second look.

He was looked down on and passed over,
a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.

One look at him and people turned away.
We looked down on him, thought he was scum.

But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.

We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures.

But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!

He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed.

We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.

And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
on him, on him.

He was beaten, he was tortured,
but he didn't say a word.

Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered
and like a sheep being sheared,
he took it all in silence.

Justice miscarried, and he was led off—
and did anyone really know what was happening?

He died without a thought for his own welfare,
beaten bloody for the sins of my people.

They buried him with the wicked,
threw him in a grave with a rich man,

Even though he'd never hurt a soul
or said one word that wasn't true.

Still, it's what God had in mind all along,
to crush him with pain.

The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin
so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life.
And God's plan will deeply prosper through him.

Out of that terrible travail of soul,
he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it.

Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant,
will make many "righteous ones,"
as he himself carries the burden of their sins.

Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly—
the best of everything, the highest honors—

Because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch,
because he embraced the company of the lowest.

He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many,
he took up the cause of all the black sheep.

A big part of me was still musing on the joy that God penetrated my mind and told me in a tangible way of His remembrance of me. There is no one who is a Friend like Him.

Yes, I have 1 or 2 friends that I will share everything with. I have different friends who will always be there to help me out with menial looking tasks. I have some friends who is willing to listen to some discoveries I have about different issues in life.

But none is like God. He dares to be silent. He knows that I trust in His Love - therefore His silence grows my trust. At different times, He speaks a word of comfort. At other times, He just lets me know that He is there. He sees all, knows all, and hears all. I find Him in the most insignificant jobs, I know He is there backing me up in the spotlight. He rejoices and He cries with me, yet He is One that can view all these in perfect perspective and not to be swayed away by a moment of emotions. Whenever everybody has left ( or I'd rather handle things on "my own" ), I know that there is always more than one left, because He is faithful to be with me through thick and thin.

This morning has renewed my vision, I seem to be getting a grip on a proper perspective in life again - like I used to when I walked with my God. Jesus - though a man of sorrows, nothing in his appearance attracted others, wounded for the sins of others, crushed and nailed on the cross, having others misunderstand that He was dying for His own sins - yet He counted it all worth for the joy that God has prepared for Him.

I like that communion. I got a glimpse before. The assurance from heaven, to walk upright and to know that God is on our side. To know that God has plans not to harm us, but to give us a hope and a future(Jeremiah 29:11). God is Love (1 John 4:8).

Convictions and Preferences

For the general population, everybody wants to be respected. Everybody wants to be heard. Everybody wants to know that their opinion is valued. Yet so often, many of us feels as though our words fall on deaf ears. When we want share something important and crucial, people treat it as just another opinion - which they so often dismiss. Some of us try to make jokes, make everybody happy, in hope that in the time of need somebody will take our views seriously.

This blog post will be about Convictions and Preferences - The roles they play in being heard

Conviction
2 a: the act of convincing a person of error or of compelling the admission of a truth
b: the state of being convinced of error or compelled to admit the truth
3 a: a strong persuasion or belief
b: the state of being convinced

Preference
1 a: the act of preferring : the state of being preferred b:
the power or opportunity of choosing
2: one that is preferred

(Merriam Webster Online Dictionary)

Merriam Webster aside, I would simply say that values such as Truth, Love, Justice, Courage and all other noble values as conviction - I consider them non-debatable. Other things such as supporting Manchester United or Arsenal, the "lala" fashion which I quite dislike, choosing purple over blue - all these are preferences, it would not be immoral to choose one over the other. If we want to be heard, we need more convictions and less preference.

Consider a man with many preferences and little convictions:
He supports "whatever" football team. Every other day, he talks about how good "Whatever" is and how lousy the others are. He rants about the crazy Japanese "lala" fashion going around.

Or Consider those girl's friendster accounts
(Nothing personal, just examples):

I lyKe:
PinK
OxOx ChocOcS

Hatez:
BaCkStAbbErz
BiTchEs
gUyZ wHo SmoKeszzz

As we all grow up, we start to learn of more important things in life. How much can you make of a person who goes on everyday about their favourite colour, football team, and fashion? That person's daily conversation kills his reputation!

Consider this quote:

It is better to shut up and let people think we are stupid... than to open our mouths and confirm it

I certainly hope that we all become noble men who live adventurous lives, fights battles, champion causes. Yet if we do not live such a life, keeping quiet would do more good. How we wish sometimes "that" guy in class would just stop talking for a moment. Sometimes, oblivious to us, we are "that" guy. Some self check would be very helpful now.

Consider this:
Who are the people we admire, why?

Keep in mind, there will be people you mix well with due to common preferences ( e.g. same football team ), because they are just like you. People feel comfortable being around people who are like themselves.

Yet know this too, there will be people that you might not always spend time with, yet respect - this sort of admiration transcends preferences. There is something in their heart that burns so brightly, that you would want it very much. Wherever they go, they command respect ( not demand ) - and people willingly respect them for the best reasons. Not long after that, a special bond is created, much stronger than the bond of preference - because deep down in our hearts, there will always be a voice that tells us what really matters in life.

A summary of the illustrations above:
Our Convictions and Preferences tell people about our character. If we are all Preferences and no Convictions, we live a very shallow life indeed.
The people of this world is bored and tired with shallowness - they want the real thing. Sweets and candies are nice for a while, yet we can't live on those.
Preferences change over time: Fashion, Celebrities, etc. If our lives are full of preferences and we become popular because of that, as much as our preferences become our foundation - we will lose everything when the time is over.

Some among us happen to be funny people. We can make jokes out of nowhere. People like us. However, the ability to joke should also be a preference. As we grow up, the kind and the amount of jokes we enjoy would be different. We might sometimes intend good, yet our reputation is simply a funny guy. Again, being funny is like candy, a very tasty candy at that - but nevertheless, a candy.

Yet if there is one man who holds on to truth, it will be valuable all the time. People might laugh at such an idea considering the world we live in is so corrupted, yet almost every other person will deeply respect a man of integrity.

Remember the story about "The boy who cried wolf"?
Essentially, the story is about breaking trust to the extent nobody believes us anymore.

OR

We can also take it when we talk too much senseless things, nobody would want to hear us anymore when we talk sensibly.

Some of us talk too much unnecessary issues and care too little about things that ought to consume our attention. Then in the time of need, we find it that we are not used to speak the right words. People might try hard to listen to us, yet their mind echoes joker, joker, joker...

When we properly evaluate our lives and rearrange it - to view preferences in the right perspective and concentrate on things that really matter in life ( which would fall into the conviction category ), we will soon find our lives filled with much more meaning. Besides that, we would be welcomed at more places and have more friends since we have less prejudices (preferences such as race, language, age, etc.)

Engineered Life

1. Get a life

2. Get passionate about life

3. Do your best (intellectually, physically, spiritually, emotionally) to fit into life

4. Continue to find out more about life

5. Talk with people about life

6. Fail more

7. Be so convicted of truth

8. Persuade people to your thinking and fail even more

9. If needed, lose your reputation and do whatever needful to promote life

10. Live the life and let people come to you