Pains and Pleasures in Growing Up

I'm 20 this year.

Earlier this month, a little girl called Sophie Lambert died of cancer, she was only 6. Elaine and I have been visiting her on a regular basis when she went through the operation. She was healing well until an unexpected infection killed her in about 2 days.

Just two days ago, my godmother died of cancer. I was born in her car before I got to the hospital. I just came home from the funeral parlor.

I went to SJMC this morning with Esther. My sister's friend - Patricia Lou is dying of cancer. She happens to be from DUMC also, same church as I. The doctors gave her 1 month.

Well, the sickness update will end here for this quarter of the year i hope. Everything in January.

Well, there are many more things that I learn in life as I grow up - perhaps not so much of the intellectual kind of learning, but the experience kind. I learn that as I grow up, people around me start dying.

There will be cute babies being born -
the joy of their existence cannot be negated by any other negative events;

Same goes to the deaths of people I know -
their loss cannot be redeemed with anything.

Not that I hope so, but I know more and more people are going to die. People that I know since I was a kid. I'm slightly thankful that I am not a person who has too much emotions - that is to say I don't usually get very sad, excited, or happy - though I wish I was richer in that sense sometimes.

Besides life and death, I learnt a few other things. I'm 20, in the blink of an eye, I will finish
my degree. I will be 22 by then. Then I will be working. Thats it, in 2 years - there ain't no more "life of a student" - I will be stepping into a place where I will be the freshest and the youngest, learning many things starting from 101. The perspective in life changes slightly, I will be earning a living and paying my bills.

What next? Marriage would not be too far. I'm not trying to be paranoid, but it seems that playing dating is no longer what it would be like back in high school.

"We make believe that it can last, but the idea of a real life long marriage is never considered. It wouldn't last till the end of high school anyway. Will it?"

But now, besides looking for a physically appealing girl, I would be considering if that person is someone I can live with for the next 40 years (if we don't happen to die somewhere in between) - not just somebody i can look at. I am not only looking for a friend and "reproduction partner", it is more like looking for a companion and a mother for my kids. I know that it is still some time away, but I think it only appropriate to date a person for a number of years before deciding on things that last a life time. So many people marry between 25 and 30.

25 would be 5 years away, and 30 would be an additional 5.

I was in high school yesterday - just 3 years ago.

I'll be 23 tomorrow.

Day after tomorrow, I wake up to find somebody else sharing my bed.

Then the day after, I wake up because a baby cried in the middle of the night!

Oh, when I was a kid, I was really so happy I wasn't a girl. Or else I would have had to give birth. That must be painful. But if I have kids, then the pain will be on my wife. She will be in pain. I will feel like a helpless idiot.

I shall not go too far. But maybe it isn't really that far. A physically appealing girl may be easily found in a brothel down the street, but a good mother and wife? I don't know. I like physical appeal, at times I even wish life was simpler and things like a good mother for my kids were irrelevant. But it seems that I have to get prepared for things I have yet to experience. What I have is simply role models for each ...

Well, here is a good mother and a great husband, can't seem to find those who keep on divorcing and get married again and again. Till divorce do us part.




Happy family

Is studies about interest anymore? Perhaps. However, what about that childhood dream - to study well and be the hero of the day in that chosen field.

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In the midst of all these. Somebody died of cancer. Unexpectedly. It could be anybody.

I look at life again. What are all the petty little things that I am really after? Jesus is with me and He has promised me only good - occasionally, with really good things wrapped in a little moment of tribulation...

Temptations come at times and my hand reaches out, wondering in my heart if I should ever take back my heart which was laid on the altar. I take it back for a while, to find that it was better left on the altar.

What is my little private ambition?

What is your little private ambition?

I fear, when God's voice grow distant.

I am afraid to grow up alone.

But I know I won't.

God will bring pleasure as I grow up.

God will bring more pleasure as I go through pains ... with Him.

I am destined to win with Him - it couldn't be any other way.