Crap

I feel that everything is just so slow. Time passes too slowly. People think too slowly. People talk to slowly.


I realize the world isn't like Engineering.


A good telecommunication system transfer as much data as possible within the shortest span of time without errors.


But human relationships aren't like that.


You talk, you spend time. You can tell the truth yet it takes more than facts for another person to believe. Even if the person believes, it takes time to sink in. Somehow, communication between two people isn't just... passing information.


An engineering system basically needs one thing. Improvement. EVERYTHING is measured in terms of performance. But I realize that very few things in human life is measured by performance. Happiness isn't always the best thing, neither is sadness the worst thing.


Loneliness mean NOTHING in engineering. But it is better for a person to die than to be lonely.


I'm stressed. I have a hard time to piece everything together. I feel like a machine. I feel so much a machine that it is hard to communicate - transmit information to another person... in a normal way.


Save me.


I feel conflict everywhere I go. The only time I am conflict free is when I deal with abstract things like ideas and concepts. I dislike machines. I dislike people. I do not like teamwork.


Yet I know, without people - what is the world? What is life?


I have been climbing a ladder. Some people climb the corporate ladder and strive to get high paying jobs and strike it rich.


I have been climbing a ladder - I have been thinking of things in a way that is inconsistent with many things. I see the same things - but I don't see anything. I perceive, but I'm blind. Thoughts enter my mind, but emotions... I have them - yet I feel half a human.


I am somehow on the wrong ladder.


Shit.


Joel screwed up but doesn't know the alternative.