A Time for Test

The time of testing has come again, and whether I pass this day, depends on whether I passed yesterday. If I was not responsible yesterday, todays load will be heavier.

A test for the heart. It is a hard test. It is not a test of time - but a test to trust God's goodness. To acknowledge that the truth is true, that God is good.

Oh God, I have never been good at this. I feel like I am like a weakling in this whole matter, I don't feel like a champion at all. Every time this comes, you will show me that I am not ready. How I wish that I am ready... but my continual wish for readiness is a sign that I am not mature enough. How ironic.

I want to be ready. I don't want to "want to be ready". Because I know as long as I want, I have never let it go yet. Let it go Joel, if it is yours, it will come back.

Such is life. Let it go. If it is yours, it will come...
If it isn't - and you don't let go now, you will lose it anyway.

God, You have taught me. I owe you my life. I wish that I would be a robot for this area of my life - incapable of making my own decisions but mindlessly and emotionlessly sweep through it... then I would not have to suffer such pain. But surely, Your plan is not so.

Your ways are not my ways, your thoughts are higher than mine. You desire to see Jesus formed in me. I desire insanity. Such God, are the struggles in my heart. God - I know of two things to do when I struggle...

Give in.
Grow up.

I want the latter. But the former is easier. Such is life, the better thing is always the harder thing to do. Why did Eve want to be like God? Wasn't she already like God - made in the likeness of God?

Why? I am not really wanting to know why. It is just hard God. I just want to assure myself that You know. I'm sure you know. I just doubt that I am assured of that.

Dear God, today I learn that You ought to be the rightful and loving ruler who is supposed to rule over my life - my failure to comply is sin. And truly so...

The good news and the sad news is that it is the same news.

Dear God, I know You will bring me through all this. Please, please, please grant me strength that I may endure this... that I may honour You... even if nobody ever understands anything.