Black, White, and Grey Issues

One of the not so smart things one can do - is to blog about an argument/discussion they had with another person - and rewrite the story in such a way to justify themselves and prove themselves to be the victor.

well, as I was arguing/discussing with some friends of friend just now, some things came to my mind.

How controversial do you allow yourself to speak? If you know it your heart what the truth is, but speak with some sort of mystery - or maybe not mystery - but leaving loopholes where people can misinterpret what you speak, is it still "the way to go"?

How clear do you have to be in what you say - so that people will learn something?

How far do you go in staying patient like a teacher , and gentle - and when do you start arguing like you are talking to some heretic (though he is not)?

To determine this, is it a matter of wisdom, or is it a matter of personality - or most probably a mixture of both - and how much of each to what extent?

Can I take Jesus as an example? He did say many enigmatic things and most times quite controversial. Reading through the gospels once isn't quite gonna be as fruitful as reading it through several times, going through the concordance, reading commentaries, etc.

Should one speak controversial things and think "Even Jesus speak controversial and sometimes unclear things. The righteous will interpret it to correct way, and the wicked will always twist the clearest word for evil purposes".

Can the source of confusion be amoral? Surely we know how any law or command can be blindly taken and obeyed as a form of legalism - or twisted into some form of licentiousness. But the confusion can definitely be amoral right? And to what extent?

Am I to keep thinking of everything going on a case by case basis? Isn't there a simple rule to follow? In trying to follow a simple rule - am I being lazy and choosing not to think, or am I simply not trusting in my judgements as to whether I will make the best decision?

How do I draw the line of "I have said what I need to say, it is up to you to take it whichever way you want" while keeping a clear conscience that I have tried my best? Perhaps trying my best was actually to stay on for another hour to persuade the person to see what I see, or see what I think they don't see.

All in all, truth is not relative. I need to figure out some way to convey these words plainly, without making it overscholarly such that simpler minds think I am being cunning, but yet I am being true to my word. I can perhaps understand how you can do that when you have an hour to yourself to explain everything, but in debates/discussions/arguments where there are lots of misinterpretations before everyone gets what everyone else is trying to get at - how do you exercise this?

By raising these many questions - am I already giving the reader and impression that this is a highly complex issue and there is probably no way out. I do not doubt that some will think "Gah, this is too much for my brain in the morning/afternoon/night" or " God will handel it" or "Don't know, don't care" - but I want to find it out. But I am also thinking of the possibility that maybe "don't know, don't care" may have been just the correct approach - because at the end of the day, there are so many unknowns and variables which is hard to determine.

I am trying to work towards something. But it doesn't look like I am getting there. Many questions might be a good way to start and investigation - but not a good way to make conclusions.

Should I just pray to God and say "Thank you God, teach me patience and teach me love" after thinking that whoever I was talking to didn't get the main point... or do I keep searching and look for the "killer argument" and start replaying scenes again, and thinking how I could have said certain things in certain ways such that they would be totally convinced?

This is how arguments normally ends "one/both party(ies) think that the other never did got the point no matter how much they said they got the point" - and in the name of diplomacy say things like "that was a great opinion you have" - which could be taken as:

1) Being courteous - the truth is I think that you are the stupidest person to have thought of such a stupid idea like that
2) Being courteous - I'm not smart enough to judge which is right, but whatever you said sounded plausible
3)Not being courteous - That was so totally WRONG

well, there is probably option 4), 5), 6) - I couldn't care less about them. You see, for all I know - somebody couldn't care less about whatever I just typed - to them, harmony, peace, friendship, nice feelings, enjoyment is all that counts - if they had to choose between truth and all these - they would go for "all these" - for truth to them is defined as "all these".

It is hard to convince another person of what truth is. A famous quote from Thomas Cranmer:

"What the heart loves, the will chooses, the mind justifies"

Modern science that goes on evidence and empirical reasoning would like to believe in the reverse:

"What the mind justifies, the will chooses, the heart loves" -
which sounds like something you get from Tony Robbins if you get what I mean.

How true is Thomas Cranmer's statement? Which was why I was just thinking, could the confusion be amoral? But a slightly clearer question is - regarding a moral issue:

Could confusion spring from amoral motivations? Or the wicked heart is always destined to justify error as truth? the righteous will then always make the right decision?

Doesn't this model look over simplistic such that it doesn't deal justly with the subject? They say "the heart of the matter is the matter of the heart" - how much exceptions should I make for others and myself when I try to justify certain moral actions. Surely I should not degrade to some " God will prove me right during judgement day " sort of stupidity/arrogance? But what if time is the only thing that will tell?

What happened to trusting God to do His very special work in the hearts of men? What about confidence in what Scripture declares? Interpretation? Now that I suddenly thought of it, I might as well promote FWC here.

FWC 2010 Gospel and Interpretation

Sometimes, you want to do more good than harm - and you think you stand your ground and do the right thing. In the end of 70 years before you die, you realise that there are bad consequences which make you think that your initially taking a certain stand should have been different. But as you muse on whether you will/will not regret in 70 years time - you imagine the possibilities that your stand would have proven itself right in 500 years -

"the man who stood for the right things - who for a short while produced horrible consequences, but bore fruit for the next whole millenium"

What I think I can do - is to see and count as far as I can go - and utilize well what I know and have been entrusted - as to 100 years later - God knows:

Let the future worry for itself. For I am a mere man.

ps. Just so you know - I don't believe in grey. It is either black or white. Determining something as grey due to our ignorance is an act of arrogance (in believing that we have such foresight and intelligence to make judgements on things we are unsure of)

Dad, Calvary Church, Skepticism, Toiletries and a Break

Coming back to Malaysia, one of my main priorities is my dad. He should be retiring by now, but he loves his work and he loves to go around - so he is still working. He has yet to believe in Jesus, and I am concerned about him.

Spending time with my dad is good. It helps me see why I am who I am today.

Why do I speak the way I do?
Why do I question things the way I do?
What things to I get offended by?

I never realised how similar I am to my dad, though quite different. He bases his trust on himself mostly, he is more self-made. I trust in Jesus, though in a worldly point of view, I "technically" worked to where I am today. But the style we approach issues are so similar.

Last night, we had dinner outside - and suddenly, I found out that my dad quit smoking. As far as I know, he has been smoking for more than 40 years. An asthma attack during work (in some dusty construction place) made him sick of the place. It was bad enough that he stayed home for 2 weeks without going for work. And SUDDENLY, keyword SUDDENLY, he said he doesn't want to smoke. Naturally, I think this is a result of the asthma. But when I ask him, it isn't really about the asthma. It was not something that he actually decided by willpower. It was just

"I woke up one day, and smoking isn't the thing for me - it suddenly causes uneasiness in my throat"

I like the sound of these things. He still drinks though. But whatever, I like my dad drinking. I think he talks more when he drinks and it helps me bond with him. Coming home this time, I bought my parents a pair of iPod shuffle. Sitting down and just help my parents get more used to technology is pretty fun. It warms my heart to know that they are willing to learn. Definitely, I do not want to be in a position of "teaching my parents" in the arrogant sense.

During dinner last night, our family was suddenly talking about masseurs, reflexology, and how everybody seems to be in the business. So many practitioners who probably have no proper training seem to just print that "foot chart" off google images and start opening their own practice.

My dad was saying things along:

"I trust the technology. I don't doubt that these things can work and are probably scientific.... But IT'S THE BUGGER I DON'T TRUST"

He went on talking about how some of the people who seem to take pictures with important "datuk's" to back their claim of almost miraculous healing powers are all a joke - cos they were actuallly just demonstrating some techniques to them, and wasn't curing anything particular anyway.

Then he quoted the day's newspaper about Calvary Church. Apparently, the Senior Pastor is accused of "mismanagement of funds". The STAR article can be found here. He said this because he was talking about how American Reverends seem to come to Malaysia, to stadium negara, and pray for people and they get miraculously healed. I remember Josh saying, if they can really do that:

"Go to the hospital"

Well, Josh was a doctor.

Anyways, the whole chat over the dinner continued to be filled with more and more skepticism. And since Calvary Church was on the newspaper that day because of these issues - there was lots of "I'm not quite sure about these super respected pastors anymore". It is understandable, Calvary Church is probably the BIGGEST Megachurch in Malaysia and highly influential.

My mind was thinking of how to answer my dad during dinner. No, I had no intention of defending Calvary Church, or Prince Guneratnam. I was just thinking how to give them another strike. I was thinking how can I discredit the prosperity gospel more? How can I affirm that my dad's skepticism is valid?

At this point, it is important that I clarify a few things. One of the things that I learnt from my dad is "how to argue". Don't make mistakes, because once you do, my dad will remind you how you have made the mistake not only this time he caught you, but also last week/month/year. If he has reminded you of the issue more than a few times, then he would have "told you SO MANY TIMES", such that "are you stupid or what?"

That may sound like unfair argument tactics. Most of us would think it as "forgetfulness". But I know it is laziness. My dad is a very gracious person, but he isn't gracious when he is scolding you. He doesn't correct a mistake per se, he tells you things about your character. Sometimes it is true, sometimes it is exaggerated, but nonetheless, I learnt from him how to phrase arguments in a way that make people feel guilty.

This is the thing I learnt from him. Feel guilty or not, doesn't matter - It is better that you feel guilty, then you will do something about it. In our polite society, we tend to be courteous in a bad way such that if there was something to be corrected - we do it so politely that it is almost our fault to mention that somebody has a fault. He is a polite and friendly man to his friends, but if you are wrong, YOU ARE WRONG.

I love my dad. If there is one thing I learn from him, it is integrity. I'm not saying that he doesn't bribe policemen. Thats a different thing. But he doesn't pretend to be nice, he hates hypocrisy not the way the general public do. He has a dislikes it in a vocal way.

He was just talking about policemen stopping him for traffic offence. He knows what they want. They know what he wants. We all want less trouble, and he doesn't mind paying RM50 so that he doesn't need to pay RM300. The problem is the policeman starts lecturing my dad.

"Ini susah tahu, you lepas lampu merah, sangat bahaya tahu... hari itu, ada satu kes sama, kes serious... ..."

In my dad's heart: "Eh... Shaaddup la, tell me how much you want"

Because, truly enough, after a few moments, the question is : "So, sekarang macam mana?"

Pay RM50, then the policeman pretends to write something and sends you off.

The thing is this, my dad doesn't mind the question "So macam mana nak settle?" He just hates the drama that goes before it. Firstly, it wastes his time. Secondly, please stop bullshitting me and get to the point. Being pretentious is just "yuck". Being raised up by my father, my brother and I hates pretense with a passion.

Skepticism is also one thing I learnt from my father. Because of the "don't tell me cock and bull stories please" attitude,I have learnt to question things naturally. Mix it all up together
1.hating pretense,
2.skepticism,
3. and making sure you get it if I catch you making a mistake)

Its such a beautiful combination. In my dad's mind, it is often "This people are so stupid and gullible, they haven't fallen for another "conman-who-promises-you-a-million-dollars-if-you-only-give-him-100,000" trick". The whole "everybody is so stupid" thing, yes, I caught it from my dad. Now, my dad isn't claiming to be extra smart, but he does have a point how people can be so stupid.

Reading the Bible, it has given me a framework WHY people can behave in such illogical ways. Of course, I do stupid stuff at many times. I get scolded by my dad often enough to know it. And hey, I think I turned out quite good. I sort of consider myself as a product of "good upbringing".

Now at this point of time, i know you the reader might think of issues like self-righteousness, and how arrogant I am to say things the way I do. Well, it is hard to convince you I am not trying to say things that way. Another thing I caught from my dad is "don't explain yourself". It is like the guy who - the more he defends himself, the more you suspect that he is in the wrong. My dad's integrity is good enough for you to trust that his intentions are good. If you doubt it, he doesn't need to explain it - it is your fault.

Now, my dad is not Christian, but there are many aspects of God that I learn from my dad. I learn things like how "His Word is good enough". If I give you my word, that is as good as done. I learn from my dad the value of a good name. I learn from my dad to hate pretense. I deduce that being honest, and sometimes blunt with a person is the way to respect another person. I learnt from my dad to "get to the point".

As I was chatting with my dad last night. I also realised that he starts repeating himself more. Is it a sign of aging? i.e. he forgets what he says. Maybe, I hope not. My dad has a good mind and I wish that he stays alert for a much longer period.

From what I caught from him, I think he wants to make himself very clear. And he has an assumption of people "not getting the point" or "not understanding what he is saying". Perhaps it is also that he wants to make his stand VERY CLEAR. Ambiguity is not his thing. The reason I guess this is because... I do that. I repeat things. I repeat because I think most people don't get what I am trying to say. I don't want you to ever tell me "I didn't know" after I told you something a million times.

Of all these things I have learnt from my dad, I only hope that he will apply his skepticism to look at the Bible. To know that the truth of God is so good that it is bulletproof. To see God's integrity. Sometimes, I hate all these politeness is because that there has been too many pretentious who has given politeness a bad name. Being polite has such a negative connotation to it, it no longer works in helping people see the truth. My dad is so skeptical of Christianity. I understand that yes, it is human to reject God. But I think that people are making rejecting God easier. But well, I do look forward to the day when my dad becomes Christian.

One of the things I learnt in all these is that I caught more from my dad than what I learn (if you get what I mean). I just never thought the influence would be so significant. This is how you know i'm his son. I'm just thinking of how this works out in the case where God is my Father. Ideas about "rubbing it (attitudes, convictions,etc) off God". But yeah, if anybody out there wonders where I get my passion and character from, it is the providence of God to put make me the son of my father. From God, I get the sanctified version of it. I think I'm starting to understand more what Jesus was saying when he was telling the Pharisees "Your father is the devil". I think, in some way, my father helped me love Jesus. That Jesus Guy is just so ... STRONG. "Your father is the devil". That sort of bold God-talk, boils my blood and send chills down my spine.

Anyway, on toiletries. I bought so much of them yesterday. I want to have a "good first impression". I was just looking through the "body sprays" section. I saw deodarant + perfume. Then I remembered Mitchell telling me what "for men" means. I think it is something about some special scent to attract the opposite sex - like we are some animals and we can use scents to psychologically trick them to believe that we are more manly than we really are.

As I thought about it, I couldn't help giggling. Its just so funny, cos I'm thinking "heheheh, I'm gonna buy one! I'm gonna buy one!" I bought breath sprays, shoe deodorizer, listerine,shampoo, body shampoo, facial cleanser, shaver.

As I was browsing, I saw "lubricant". I looked around, then I saw condoms. I was giggling again - no, its not because I'm getting it. Its just the kind of primary school joke - like how we laughed at "sifat sifat manusia". If you don't get the joke, ask a Malaysian cantonese friend. So I'm thinking...

Lubricants! ahhahahah....
Condom!.... ahahhaha!
Just shoot.. hahahaha.... watermelon flavour.... really???

Somehow, I don't know why, I forgot to buy the body spray. I will surely get it someday. Never used these stuff before.

Ah! I have a short break ahead of me, I better use my time wisely - and not degrade to a loaf of bread who plays computer games day and night.

500 days of summer

This is a different kind of movie review. It only makes sense if you watched it already. More like an interpretation of the movie. I wont go through the whole story line, but to just highlight somethings. Of course, I am not the authour, so I might just misrepresent him by over-reading into it. and I probably don't mind somebody tellng me what I interpreted is wrong.

Things that I will attempt to explain are:

1. The ordering of days, why isn't it the traditional movie that follows proper chronology, or just the good ol' flashback - instead it jumps all over the place
2. What and why Tom ( and Summer ) says what each of them say
3. What was Summer talking about when she sat on the bench with Tom and said things like "I just woke up and realize..." to which Tom gave a snort
4. The significance of them swapping views towards the end

First things first.

1) The ordering of days. I think this is a simple one, most people get it.

It is how we think.

Yes, thats the answer. When everything has happened, we think in frames like that. A sum of little events. We think " Ahh, I remember those good times... then I remembered how he did something totally different..." After a whole noon thinking that, we think of another event that happened between us and our loved one again, there is comparison and contrast in those different days. Remember the time in the movie where there was a split screen?

Reality and expectation? That is how we think - And each frame contributes to the story in a unique way. It also shows 2 things: The individual highs and lows of each event, but also if you notice, how things were actually progressing one by one - there was a point where it was just holding broken pieces together, and waiting, and waiting.

2) Remember the office happy night out thing?
McKenzie was a lil drunk, and asks Summers if she has a boyfriend? and further on, we also have a frame of Summers telling about all her ex-boyfriends?(plus that girlfriend)
Summers developed a view about the whole thing of "not going to fall in love", not being someone else's someone. And Tom was saying the total opposite. The deal is this: Summers is confused and she doesn't know what she is saying. She has a self protection kind of mentality to avoid the possible disasters that might come with it. Why own a pet dog to love it when it might possibly die and break your heart one day? DON'T OWN is the way out. A little bit of her - but not quite. Anyway, she wanted to believe that by just "being friends" with Tom would take away that problem. Ultimately, she wants the "gifts" that come with relationship, but would hope that she doesn't need to pay the "price" of commitment. More to comment on the whole "price" thing.

3)Tom wanted a label. Having a label is being someone's somebody. It is to be attached, your identity is defined no longer by simply who you are, but by your relationships. You are someone's father, someone's child, another person's wife, etc. This is what the world shouts at us, we just want to have casual sex, no commitments - "as long as it harms no one, do whatever you will". Of course, Tom gave in to Summers who didn't really know what she wanted. Or rather, what she wanted was a deep committed relationship, but she doesn't quite believe in the existence of it - so the next best thing is to have the perks of the relationship at least. Tom wasn't thinking initially about any deep long term relationship that has commitments to it - like a real marriage. All Tom wanted was Summers. Whatever Summers wanted, he wanted - because he just wanted Summers... even if it went against what he understood to be true.

Ahh, forget the numberings... it doesn't relate point to point anymore...

Anyways...

This is a situation. A man started out knowing what he wants. and a lady being hardened by her past - she kinda knows what she wants, but doubting the existence of it, she gets confused and does not know what she wants anymore.

Guy meets girl, got blown away. The "theory" he understood... he is willing to throw it away for the girl. At least for the moment. Maybe he thought "If only I gave her enough time, she might just change her mind, and decide that falling in love, committing to a marriage might be a good thing".

But over time, that understanding blurrs. Tom wanted some security. He clarified with Summers in the car. Summers diverted the question away. Tom gave in, he thinks things are still going okay. But deep inside Summers, things are not right. She faces a conflict. What she wants is a deep relationship that has commitment, she isn't quite aware of that in her mind... to her it is illogical.

Now, this is the part where the bench thing is explained.

Summers woke up one fine day, and realised that what she couldn't get from Tom is exactly what she believed didn't exist. Suddenly, she believes that it existed. Tom could not give her the security that comes with a long term relationship. It makes no sense to Tom.

Tom was the one who wanted a real deep committed relationship in the beginning (remember the part where he said things like.... SHOWER SEX? Casual friends my ass!). Tom wanted it, Summers didn't. Tom gave in to believe in what Summers believe. Now Summers changed - what the hell is Tom supposed to do? Because of Summers, Tom has become a person that is different. To Summers, Tom is no longer a reliable candidate as a husband if he gave in to this "casual friends" nonsense. Summers made Tom into another person, and now she doesn't like it. Tom had no spine in the beginning, but loved Summers more than he should - In the end, Tom gets confused and Summers wakes up.

The truth is this:
Its a little bit like a partying girl who goes clubbing all the time. Does she want a good husband, a good future? YES! She might or might not put it that way, but she definitely wants it. Yet, the goodie way of going about relationships, is just taking too long, its conservative, and you probably dont get the hottest girls. The hottest girls have bought the lie that they are so hot, so they go to places where they are worshipped all day long.

Now. The time will surely come, when she realizes her empty lifestyle.

The guys she used to hang out in the clubs: She know who they are deep inside. She wouldn't want to marry a guy from the club. She knows why she was in the club the first place, and he sure know that he is in for the girls, and hoping to get laid by the end of the night. She wakes up - but the guy was blindly mislead all along, and wonders why she has changed.

So, what do I want to conclude with:
If you are a guy, know what is right and wrong... what is good and bad. The girl might know what is good and bad too, but chances are that you lead the relationship and you make calls. If she is heading down the wrong path, correct her as a friend, "walking together down the wrong path" might earn you her friendship for a while - but when she wakes up, she will realize that things should have been different from the beginning.
As much as guys... girls don't always know what they are talking about. Know the right thing, do the right thing. But in general as humans, the truth is... we are all like Summers: Most of us, most of the time "don't know what is good or bad for us".

It always take a decade or 2 before we realize things.
When we were young, our parents instructed us in ways which we disliked. When we grow older, we come to udnerstand things better and thank them for forcing their way and shoving those veggies down.
As we work, there are things we hold in high regard. We don't believe much of the nonsense like relationships are more important than work. But we believe lies that teach us to measure success by all the wrong rulers. Then before we die, we start to realize that we have been really missing out on things because of the lies we believe.

Truth is this:
It doesn't have to be this way.

Tom could have acted differently, being being a good man who had the spine to not give in. It wasn't a "never meant to be" thing. If Tom stayed strong, Summers might have reconsidered her position, and went after Tom who she could respect. The last man you want to marry is somebody who has everything but ... someone you have no respect for.

But... two roads diverged in a yellow wood. One things leads on to another, Summers might not have realized her error if it were not the disaster of having a "casual friendship" with Tom. Tom changed too, for better or for worse.

Which was why I wrote earlier:

Good thing my Heavenly Father knows better and gave me what I need more than what I want. In due time, as I grow into maturity, I will respect Him for that and be fulfilled by having what I truly need. As of now, we as sinful human beings, have distorted desires - it is good that God doesn't give in like Tom. But as i look back, I have been Tom many times, and I have been Summer quite a few times. It is good that with God, there is forgiveness through Jesus Christ. With Jesus, there is a new beginning - a true new beginning - not some "vain and baseless perspective of forgetting the past so that you can live for tomorrow". After all, truth is what we need. Lies can pretend to make us satisfied for a while, until ignorance is no longer bliss.

500 days of summer, catfeeding, Buddhism, Ethics, Glory, Sarcasm

I just watched 500 days of summer
And I am not surprised that I understood what was happening all along, and why certain words were said. And I remember that it is a good thing that our parents don't always give us what we want. If they did, and when we learn some sense as we grow up, we would have despised those actions.
And most of all, our Heavenly Father that knows better than us who gives us what is good for us even when we are all a little like Summer. May God help us "wake up one morning" and "be sure" of the thing that... the world didn't and couldn't give us.

I also have been hearing "good reports" from fellow catfeeders
I am in charge of 2 relatively friendly cats on campus. I get to pat Poppy, but Coco is too shy for me to touch her. I used to be unable to understand why people actually like cats - dogs are a million times friendlier. Cats are like hot girls. They don't give you a rip. Cute dogs are like hot girls that actually care about you. Those high-class cats' affection are hard to earn, and they are pretty loyal. Some catfeeders finally got the chance to pat the cats they feed after about a year of feeding. It was joy for them. So i guess, somethings are not about possessing, but rather earning it.
Reminds me, Jesus is God, divine and worshipped all along - afterall, He is the Creator and has a right to everything. But I like to know the fact that Jesus earned His name. " And He humbled Himself, to the point of death on a cross, therefore God gave Him the name that is above all names, that at His name every knee shall bow"

Attended the Bodhi Night
I left early, but got the chance to hear the sermon by the nun on impermanence. The non-buddhist phrase for that is "the only constant in the world is change". Mainly about how change is inevitable in the universe, we ought not to hold a grudge against a universal law, much like we shouldn't be hating gravity, it is stupid and absurd. Rather, since we know that incidents happen due to a collection of causes and circumstances, we ought to recreate those circumstances and conditions and reap the harvest of success of it. Don't fret that things don't turn out our way, it is just that the causes and conditions have changed - do some reverse engineering, and recreate your future. Don't get too attached to the present, it will change! continuously work for the future and havest the fruit of the past. That is the gist of what I got, might not be everything, but I have been given better promises than this.
This whole cycle that I live through - to sin, repent, receive forgiveness from God, and repeat - looks like it will never change. Like a universal law "to err is human". Birth, life, death and decay is a constant cycle in life. But Buddhists, studying the world as a closed system, do not know that this constant cycle will very soon be changed. In fact, the change has begun, it will build up momentumn and thunder through eternity. Jesus will come just as He has come once, He will put an end to what we have been living with thousands of years. The history of human sinfulness, the effects of it will be changed, and it has already started. The data that Buddha worked with, how he saw the sufferings of this world, the cycle which this world goes through - a sight which set him on the path to Enlightenment... yes, those data will very soon be irrelevant. In fact, He never saw through the temporal world, not because he was stupid, but because he never knew that the world was NEVER a closed system. The Creator has His eye on it, and has entered it to save all humanity, and change history forever. Too bad the Enlightened One never lived to see that day.

Did studies on Ethics
Been taking this subject called Ethics and Leadership in uni. It is not surprising that the whole course is about exercising your brain cells to understand morality - but somehow it goes just about there. After all, it is written in the course outline (paraphrased) "This course is not suppsed to make you more ethical, it is about how to think ethically". This is somethings I hate about modern philosophy and all the spiritual guru stuff - it is like the lazy employee - always seem to be working hard, but nothing much ever comes out of it besides some mish mash that leave people where they started off.
But the goals are pretty realistic. If a subject in uni could have cured the human problem of wickedness, I'd be a lecturer. It was at first crazy to think that some human problem required God to die, thousand year old prophecy to be fulfilled, and expectancy of a Saviour coming in the future. But looking at the lame attempts by humans, it isn't that crazy afterall. This whole talk about humans needing God to change our wicked heart(not improve it, but change), about how it would take "God to live in us" to possibly reverse the madness and depth of our error, this whole talk about we being insufficient to be self-saviours but needing external help... yeah, those things that Christians talk about sounds like a better solution than a "Yes we can". Well, that fella is trying hard to be a good president, I applaud him for that, but somethings are just out of his control. It must be a hard lesson to learn that America isn't capable of miracles.

Leart about achievement and glory
I remember singing "history maker" kind of Christian songs when I was in high school. Its about how we are so inspired by great people in the past who did great work in Chrstianity, how we could be like them if we worked hard enough, trusted God enough, and whatever -enoughed. It was about "achieving great things for God", glory was something we earned to give God. You know? Do well in your studies "by God's strength", and then when people ask, somehow credit it to God and say that He was the main force behind it. I kinda got that idea during my formative years as a young Christian.
But then when I read that glorifying God essentially means growing to be Christlike, I was thinking "Surely I can't be hearing bullshit all along about glorifying God being being a superstar Christian?" Well, I didn't hear just nonsense, but just that I was misguided by sincere people with good intentions. And sometimes, I think good intentions did more harm in history than plain wickedness. I don't know. Maybe someday we will have a Facebook quiz for that. Facebook has quizzes for everything, from "when I will die" to "who I will marry" to how many "%" lucky I am today. I thought people who accessed the internet were smarter than that, but apparently internet is so accessible anybody could use it.
I remember reading verses like "God will look on that successful man who glorifies Him most by being the famous preacher/musician who everybody adores", or was it "Here is who I will look at - one who has a broken and contrite spirit, one that trembles at My Word". I don't know, probably the first one, they seem to say that a lot in many popular churches, sounds like something everybody loves to hear, like good reports from the government about how the whole country is in fact very united with only very few unwanted dissenters. But well, I'm learning that faithfulness in small things trumps those big achievements. Surely God is worth my limelight glorious moments, but He is worth more than that, He is worth every single breath of my inglorious moments - for in my weakness God's sufficiency is made all the more obvious.

Sarcasm
I have friends who are so innocent in some ways that they don't realize when I am being sacarstic. I admire that. And to some extent, I wished I were a little more like them, instead of having ideas and images that shout violence, hatred and lust shouting through my mind. Ignorance is bliss, sometimes. I love those people, they have a privilege that few people have. Some of us understand jealousy perfectly well, because we are people who get jealous often. They are the ones who don't get jealous much, because they don't see what is there to be jealous about. Jealousy is a foreign concept. Sounds good not to know too much bad stuff eh?
But back to sarcasm, some people just don't use their brain enough to know the difference.
That is how I used to think a lot. Until God revealed to me the laziness and the wicked thoughts that I am capable of having. It puts things in perspective, it isn;t always about how much you know... but in God's eyes, how much you do about what you know. Often, we don;t do much about what we know, we don't do what we ought to, no matter how virtuous and loving it may be. Which brings us back to the same level - all common sinners who desperately need forgiveness, or else we would do justice to send each other to hell.

When I grow up, I want to be just like ...

This is a short post about a guy I have a lot of respect for and enjoy talking to.

Kenneth Lo Shau Hui.

Kenneth and Vivian

He, in his own words, was a typical Ah Beng all his life, then he came to study in UNSW, and became a Christian here. After graduating and working for a few years in Singapore, he came back to Sydney to study Theology. He is currently in his 3rd year, he would be heading back to Malaysia to become a pastor.

Kenneth is probably about 10 years older than me, about 30 years old, married to a woman called Vivian, who he met at UNSW too. Kenneth loves Vivian, and it is something that people around them can see - and they are expecting a baby in a couple of months.

Thats the short intro. Now the real thing:

One thing I appreciate about Kenneth is that he gives me the benefit of the doubt. When I come to him discussing issues that I struggle with - he does not assume I am stupid and am plain sinful. While it is true that the major bulk of my problems are because I am sinful, he explains things to me in much more helpful ways rather than "Joel, you are very sinful, please grow up".

He talks in a way that acknowledges that I have thought things through, and allows me to attempt explaining things about m mind which I find hard to put into words. I have talked with many people who are not able to recognize the question behind the question. From what I can feel, Kenneth always know that I have a deeper question behind the surface question that I ask, and deals with me gently as he exposes issues of godliness, or rather ungodliness.

The next thing I appreciate is his lack of pretense and humility. While he is older than me, he is married, he has experienced more things than I, and dealt with a variety of people - he talks plainly with me. I say humility because he is indeed wiser than I, yet he talks with me as with a friend. He genuinely considers me an equal, and not a little boy to be taught, rather an adult to discuss things with. I appreciate that honour.

Bible Study Group 2008

I say lack of pretense, because I know there are many people out there who pretend to know more things than they really do, me included. I know how I often come up with some bullshit reasoning that is carefully crafted, so that I look wise - when I am asked questions that I don't have answers to. Kenneth doesn't know everything in the world, nobody does - difference is that he admits that in a genuine way, all of the time, in everything he does. Kenneth is open to admit his weaknesses, not in the tone of "well yeah... nobody is perfect", but rather "I want you to know that I struggle with the same thing as you do, so hang in there brother, because Jesus is faithful".




The third thing I respect about him is the way he handles issues plainly. Let me illustrate this:


Last year, Kenneth and I were in the same Bible study group - of course he was the leader, and I am most glad of that. So our group went for an outing to... Bondi Beach I think, Vivian was with us. Well, for those of us who went there before, it would be quite common to see women sun bathing without their tops. So after sometime at the beach, we wanted to take a group picture, so all the guys got into a row, and I was standing beside Kenneth. About 4 metres away, I noticed a beautiful woman (I think) - topless, tanning her self and taking a nap.





This is the core of it all.




If you were Kenneth, standing beside me, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?







Pretend not to see?




Oh no?




WOW?




Haha Joel, I caught you staring! ?




Eh! Don't see lah! ?







All these responses would tell something about your personality. Any one of them would reveal at least one thing about your maturity. I wonder, what would you say to me?





I am not sure if anybody out there can appreciate what Kenneth is about to say. Maybe if you were good in psychology, you would recognize something? Maybe if you have talked with different types of people, you might appreciate it.





This is what Kenneth said.





"Not very helpful for our godliness huh..."




Kenneth saw it. I saw it. He knew I saw it. I recognize something and I appreciate it, not because I know lots of things about humans, or I understood deep principles of human thinking... but rather, what he said was so true. It was a mature response.




He didn't pretend not to see it. He didn't correct my behaviour as though the issue was not moral by nature. He did not waste the opportunity to reveal something about my heart, and about the matter at hand. He did not say things like "haha I caught you" as though he was a very holy person who is out of this world or he was a gay.




It has been a year since that event, but I remember those words clearly. Kenneth acknowledges the problem, and diagnosed the issue well, and handled the situation well.




Fourthly, Kenneth is not falsely humble. I know people like that. I think false humility is worse than pride - its the worst form of pride. I remember discussing what Paul said "Imitate me, as I imitate Christ" with Kenneth. To cut the length discussion short - we were saying how we find ourselves so inadequate in every way to tell the same thing to other Christians - "Imitate me, as I imitate Christ". And Kenneth was also saying that we could also practice false humility, or be irresponsible as Christian to avoid saying that statement, and of course, trying to live that out.





There are really many more things that I admire about Kenneth. I don't normally say this of anybody - but Kenneth is somebody I would want to imitate as I seek to imitate Christ. If I was another person, and I read the post I just typed, I would be afraid that this person is almost worshipping Kenneth. But the one thing I really respect about Kenneth is how he shifts the spotlight away from himself.




He always identifies himself and comes to my level of understanding of things to work things through, points to the Bible, admits his sinfulness, and help me put my trust in God - he doesn't quite just "pray for Joel" - but he recognizes that his struggles are not much different than mine, so he always prays not only for me, but also for himself when we pray together.




I'm feeling very... um... favoured by God to have such a friend in my life. (Yes, I refuse to use the word blessed, not because I have something against it, but almost nobody really understands what that Christian jargon means)




I pray that Kenneth and Vivian will continue to love Jesus more and more and help many others do the same too. On this whole "becoming more and more like Jesus" journey, Kenneth is definitely a major milestone that I want to reach. It is just that as of now, I lack all of those things that I respect and admire. Well, it is gonna take some time - and yes, there are quite a few other people that I still kinda respect and admire, not quite as much, but still do - but what I appreciate more about those people are that they keep putting in effort to make themselves better people, and they are wonderful people who puts others first, wise, caring, and lots of other nice things. Enough of the guys -




Among them are 3 sisters in Christ: Jesslyn Ding, Teoh Sze Wen, Mandy Khoo




Ah, if you do happen to see these people, please do treat them extra nicely. God knows how much they have sacrificed to put others first.

Lord, You know all things

Give me neither poverty nor riches,
Lest I should go poor and steal,
Or why should I be full and say "Who is The Lord?"

Please don't praise me when I do things well,
But do let me know you care for me,
For I am a sinful man -
and sinful men love to hear praises of men
If you were a pagan,
I would regard your words as flattery
But you are my dear brother, my dear sister,
How could I not believe that you spoke genuine words?

I am so sinful, please do not destroy me with praises
I am so sinful, I get discouraged when I hear no approval

Whether I turn to the left or to the right
destruction awaits me

And so, from heaven came a hand,
Yes, more than a hand -
From heaven came a man
yes, more than a man

He knows my heart
How wicked it is
He gives me grace
Grace enough to know that He is enough
When all I have is weakness

He speaks words loving and tender
His words are life -
unlike the praises of men, or their approval
His words are sharp and they cut,
yet they heal.

O God, let me hear your voice,
Where else have I to go,
When you alone have words of eternal life?

His hands are warm in the cold
and cool in the heat,
His hands are like no other.
When shall I finally sleep in His palms?

Winter brings sorrow,
Springs bring hope
but only that which last for a moment,
Before summer beats on my back
and autumn crushes all

When shall spring pass?
When shall I see Him
not as the mirror which I see in part
But to know Him face to face

When shall I be free from sin?
Tears have become my drink day after day
When promises after promises are broken,
I dare not promise Jesus anymore
You know me,
You know men, and what lies in them.

Tomorrow I awake to continue my endless toil,
only because I know the rest You bring
and Your promises never fail.

Let me tell you something Jesus,
I love my Christian sister,
and I hate myself for I cannot love her like You do
Your love is pure,
Your love is patient, is kind
is not self seeking, does not boast,
is not arrogant, Your love is true.
I am a sinful man,
full of lust,
full of strive,
I should have died a thousand times,
Why did you nailed Yourself to the tree?
When really, it should have been me

But I fear death
I fear God's wrath,
It is right for God to be angry,
It is right for you to judge.

The sane man in me condemns me
The wicked man in me won't let go of sin
But Your Spirit in me calls me to trust in Your grace

How long more do I have to live with them?
I am Your bride, You are our groom
Let me no longer live in harlotry,
but let me have One God
Let me live under One head

The waves in the world toss me all around
Its hard, My God, It is hard -
But why do I echo these words
When I know that Christ is my High Priest
O My God,
If only I can know you more,
If only I am like You a little more,
If only I am able to live like You
Then I will rest in Your Love
I will not cry,
I will not be restless.

Precious in the sight of The Lord is the death of His saints.
I want to die, I want to be with You.
But here you keep me,
living this earth, because You love me.
You want me to know that it is with the love You have for the World,
It is with that You loved me.
And many sons you have, you think of giving me siblings
Tough love you want me to learn.

I want to be Christlike
Yet I do not want to be Christlike -
If I have a heart like Yours
A big heart that weeps for the sin of the world
A big heart that desires none be lost
If I had your heart,
I would die of grief.

But Your purpose will not fail
As you have done, so You will do
You will make me like Jesus
You will put me in the refiner's fire
My future glory I could not fathom,
For you are determined to see pure gold.

Oh Lord, I do not think I am too concerned about my glory
For I know that the day when I am fully pure,
It is Your glory only that I will ever want,
and I will rejoice with John,
For You are increasing, and I am decreasing.

My sinful mind, cannot love You like I would like to,
For I cannot see You as You are
Day and Night I sin against You
Lame, blind and blemished are my offerings,

I would like to think I am trying hard
but You know Iam not,
I am ashamed,
From You I run
but in my heart,
I know it is to You I must run to.

You knew all these were coming
Yet with an irrevokable decree You set Your Love on me
I do not know what to do.
My thanksgiving sounds like filthy rags
as I speak them in the midst of Your saints

You know my heart,
You know, You know.

"Joel, do you love me?"
"Joel, do you love me?"
"Joel, do you love me?"

You know Lord. You know all things. I love you Jesus.

Preference

Hey you! This is one of those "Joel articles" where he tries to impress imaginary people with his claims about " I understand everything about everything there

is to know - let me tell you my GREAT opinion". Well, nah... he is just reacting impulsively to a lot of IMHO kind of patronizing talk. IMHO stands for "in my humble opinion". It is just that many times when people use the word IMHO, they normally finish the sentence/paragraph with pretty proud statements and conclusions.

Joel isn't going to say that whatever written below is some IMHO kind of thing - since he knows with some degree of certainty that they are true. But of course, being a fallible human who makes mistakes and becomes stupid at many instances in life, there are mistakes. But I know some of you people out there think of

yourselves very highly and say things like "since there are mistakes, let us discredit whatever he says and treat it as just ANOTHER opinion". Please, grow up. I know you relativistic people. You think you are a genius, but you are not qualified to teach as a teacher, to argue as a philosopher, to think rationally like an

engineer - but HEY! you are a genius! Please, forget about reading the rest of it and marvel at yourself, you ALWAYS have a good time doing that.

Oh! I remember a joke! Not quite a joke if you are THE joke:

There is girl who was chatting with her girlfriends and couldn't stop talking about herself. And so her friends listened and listened to her bragging about herself over lunch for more than an hour. And suddenly, she realized she has spent too much time talking and not listening. so she said:

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I spent so much time talking about myself. So, it should be you turn to talk...So, what do you think of me?"

EEESH......

Now, probably some of the things below will sound self-righteous, and at different points someone might actually ask "What makes you think that is RIGHT?". What I can say is that these things are what I work out (at least I think so) from the Bible - have pondered over it logically, do not claim to have fully achieved it (far from it actually) - nonetheless, it is something I prefer and actively strive towards. Here goes.

Joel would want himself to be a passionate person. By passionate, I mean REALLY PASSIONATE. Somebody who knows what he is doing in life, has a strong drive to do it well. If he doesn't, he should work hard at finding it out. But of course, since Joel is a Christian, he doesn't want himself to be passionate about just everything in life. Joel wants to be passionate about very few things in life.

*pause*

actually, Joel is trying to cover up what he really wants to say. The fact is that Joel has a lot of expectations of other people and really wants to write an entry about "what I would prefer to see in other people". But that sounds SO SO SO...er... So not quite right since there are always people who complain about the

whole world except themselves. So now he covers up by saying what he expects of himself. You sly! But then again, if I write an entry about what I expect of myself, what kind of egoistic guy would keep bragging about their expectations of themselves?

Hmmm....

What kind of guys actually spend so much time thinking about themselves....

Hmmm....

Why.....


EVERY OTHER GUY!

That egoistic race!

Of course. Right, good, Joel is normal in covering up. People would just think that he is like every other guy.

*resume*

Continuing from where I left of - Think of loving your wife. You want to love your wife passionately, not EVERY WOMAN. Likewise, Joel doesn't want to be passionate about everything, He wants to be passionate about the Jesus kind of things. Being passionate about Jesus isn't just concentrating on one tiny area in life. Since following Jesus has implications on every sphere in life - godliness has everything to do with life, just life a life passion more or less determines your

life direction - since that, Joel has to be very careful about his life and what he gives his heart to. Having said that, Joel would be really angry with himself if he is lazy. He thinks that laziness is a manifestation of a lack of passion and drive. While he remembers that sometimes he just conveniently forgets about his aim in life, he also remembers that the kind of "conveniently forgetting important things" are not really forgetting, but simply being wicked for a prolonged period of time until he becomes indifferent to what is holy and good.

And yes, he has a strong dislike for the same yuck-ness he sees in others. He has resorted to the word "yuck-ness" because some think it too "OUCH" if he uses the word wickedness on others, but Joel thinks that using the word "weakness" is just playing the victim. It is like saying "oh, i have the 'less passion gene' flowing in my veins" kind of nonsense.

Joel knows Kenneth who puts in a lot of effort to try to be both considerate and passionate. Now, anybody who have tried that would know that instead of saying "considerate and passionate", "considerate BUT passionate" would sound more normal. It is a hard thing, not to balance them out, but to demonstrate them in a timely manner - that is a hard, VERY difficult. Joel aspires to be more like Kenneth.

Yes, Joel hates nonsense. He loves jokes, he loves to laugh. But there is this whole "other category" of not-so-funny-jokes where people play the victim, give lame excuses, and patronize one another with illogical nonsense. They are really not funny. I suppose most of us know it when we hear some really really out of place excuses like "traffic jam"(when they just live 10 minutes away), or "your opinion is really interesting"(when obviously you really want to say: that was the dumbest thing I have ever heard).

But Joel enjoys having fun, teasing himself, and sometimes inappropriately teasing others. He needs to work on that - the teasing others part. He has a friend called Andy who is working hard to come up with clean jokes, and finding more ways to make others laugh by teasing himself (and not others). Joel respects Andy for that kind of love he has for others(and many other things). One day when Joel grows up, he will be funny in a godly way. Ooo.... that sounded so wierd that it just sent a chill down my bones.

Funny and godly.

*double chill and goes to the toilet*


Ahem..Joel wants to be like a kid. He wants to be really happy when he is happy, he wants to be really sad when he is sad. Besides that, Joel wants to be VERY angry when he is angry. He doesn't want to be some human-zombie trying to fit into our sometimes not-so-healthy-culture where laughters, tears, or anger is restrained. Joel has a STRONG dislike for people like that but he has to learn how to love them and be mindful for them.

But essentially, Joel has no desire
whatsoever to have less emotions. He thinks he is "quite there", but needs some polishing and balancing on the "caring for the other person" and being "considerate" - you know? like being rightly angry but not venting them on others, like being rightly angry about appropriate things and actually solving the issue instead of shouting at everyone?

While Jesus is of course the ultimate role model in the things mentioned above, Joel particularly wants to mention more on Jesus on this one. One of the reason Joel loves Jesus is because Jesus cries, loves deeply, talks funny at times, and knows how to get mad. Joel loves how Jesus makes fun of self-righteous people, although Joel doesn't quite enjoy it to find himself being one of them at times - but Joel knows that self-righteous people aren't quite worth much except to be poked at. Joel loves Jesus crying and scolding, because that is a very human thing to do.

Most of the humans Joel know aren't quite humans. Of course, quite a handful of them are secretly being humans - and they stop being humans when they meet other people. Then when they go home, they cry quietly on their bed in the stillness of the night. Joel understands to some extent why that happens, wants to sympathize with them (and himself, plus think of himself as the victim of society), but do not desire to excuse himself or anybody for that matter for our own fears and failures.

At this point, Joel is sick of using politically correct words like fears and failures, and weakness. Please think of wickedness whenever you see those words.

Thank God Jesus isn't like some politically correct politician. Thank God Jesus is The Perfect Man that Joel can look up to. Oh God, Please destroy those pictures that portray Jesus as some semi-gay figure with fair skin and long straight hair and deep blue eyes...

But anyway, Joel went through that whole "I am secretly a human" phase back in high school. It was a lonely experience, quite scary and sad. If you are reading this and you are somebody like that, lets talk! I'd love to talk with you! I'll TRY to be gentle! = ) Can't promise anything, but I'll TRY... like for a few minutes. But if I were you, I'd prefer a good Christian girl. or a good Christian man. Yes, MAN. Christian boys.... hmmmm, maybe not.

And yes! Joel would love to marry a real human. and of course, whether that comes true or not, Joel wants to be a real human. A wonderful thing he learnt from married Christians is that "Don't just say I want this and that kind of spouse, be the this and that(godly and matured) kind of spouse, and if whoever you are looking for doesn't appear, you have at least got your part right with God".

A note to that, Joel needs to remember that this is a fallen world. While expectations of God are perfect (which is good), expectations of humans (myself included) often have to be somewhat scaled down. Joel has known people (himself included) that say big things, great expectations of himself, only to see himself failing at every point the next week. He has seen guys that say: I want to marry a girl who is A, and a character that is B, and C, and D... to see them going out with a girl that is the complete opposite of that.

No, it wasn't some special love at first sight. Its just that whatever was said earlier was partly nonsense, and partly fairytale. The opposite is the real thing, partly due to desperation and selfishness, and a whole lot of invalid reasons which astrologers come up with.

Hmm, after all have been said and NOT done, now there are just so many things to work on: like Joel's character. Hmm... working on that would probably take a life time. But if he keeps looking over his shoulder and compare himself with his peers, he probably have to take more than a life time. If he continually blogs about these kind of things, then it would probably have to take a little more than 2 life times.

Lets go to sleep and wake up tomorrow morning to study for the upcoming exams. And there is prayer meeting later with some guys! Sounds like something helpful to keep me focused on Jesus during crunch time! And oh! Joel went for Queen's Birthday Convention at St. Andrews Cathedral and got a photo and a signed book from Phillip Jensen! Good stuff, save it for conversations.

Something against premature peace

premature peace = there probably is a better technical term for it. But what I mean by 'premature peace' means that peace that is achieved before the real issue at hand is really resolved.

Examples of this is sometimes how people tolerate each other until apoint they cannot take it anymore. Two parties disagree with one another. They do not want to agree to disagree, but they do not want to feel like people who disagree. So they say something like "let us put aside our differences" and tolerate each other. Then, the critical point comes - BOOM.

This is a real danger for the pacifists of this age. We tend to prefer good reputation, and be well liked by everyone - and tolerate things we shouldn't tolerate.

I hate the whole 'premature peace' thing, and i have a general disdain for 'premature peacemakers'. I think that they are people who prefer a good image over a good deed - and this is one of the most hypocritical thing that people do. Appear noble, appear well mannered, appear everything that society approves - and in reality be a person who is full of theirselves.

'premature peace' is no peace - it is just delaying the inevitable. And normally, the inevitable is much worse than what the issue normally was. In the end, somebody has to clean up the crap that the earlier 'peacemaker' made - and being a REAL peacemaker in a messy situation often means that they have to do some dirty job that nobody wants to do. The REAL peacemaker receives no credit, while the earlier idiot basks in the praises of others.

(but then you might say, sooner or later, the public will realize the idiot. It is normally either "later" or "never". Trust me, the public is generally slow or stupid and they tend not to realize the obvious)

I love peace. It might not appear that way most of the time, but I do love real peace. I love it so much for myself and for others that I am unwilling to trade it for patronizing nonsense like "lets just concentrate on our similarities and forget our differences". I want to work hard on real peace, it might not work out. But I don't want to bury issues and create a timebomb for the next person.

Don't pass the buck. Take responsibility. Get real peace, not some poor imitation.

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder

Poor Question:
Is Beauty is in the eyes of the Beholder?

Better Question:
Who do you want to behold you?
Who do you behold?


"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful"

1 Peter 3
Peter the Apostle, Bible

Sickness and Wandering Thoughts

I got sick. When I get sick, what goes through my mind is pretty interesting -

Everything around me smells differently (because I can't really smell when I'm sick)
Food taste differently since I can't really taste them.
The tempearature of the room feels different, it is either too warm or too cold.
My senses are slightly differnt as my whole body becomes a little more numb.
People treat me slightly differently because I am sick.
The world becomes a little more wobbly cos I feel dizzy.
Most of my time is spent sleeping, so the sense of time, of urgency is less.
I feel as though my mind is somewhat separated from my body.
I feel as though I am mind controlling my body - not quite the body that I am used to when I'm healthy, but because I am sick it really feels as though I am controlling someone else.
I feel as though I am somewhat less responsible for what I am doing because I am not me.

I start listening to emo songs that I would otherwise not listen to.
Walk slowly (since I cannot walk fast anyway) and notice my surroundings - how the pencil is on the table and how the cup is in the sink.
I say things in a more gentle way because I can't get as enthusiastic as I would like to be.

This whole "me" and "alter ego me" or whatever you would like to name it is not limited to the period when I get sick physically - but rather pretty much daily. When I face difficult situations in my life, I ask myself whether I should really treat it as "me" experiencing the tough things I am facing, or take them as something that is happening to the "body" I am experiencing. It is like, I am a steward of my body and of my life- I am the caretaker, the manager.

Some major religions and new age practices teach us to separate our body and our minds. They are 2 different entities, and we should deal with them as 2 different things. Whether it is partial separation or total separation - they might differ.

I attended a buddhist camp before, and they were teachng us how to do meditation. Something liek a 20 minute session I think. Of course, I am not like some big time guru, but the principle was to just focus our mind to be somewhat empty (but it isn't really empty because sometimes they teach you some chants, and I don't think it is possible to focus your mind on emptiness anyway - but well I don't know). Even if a mosquito is biting you, you are to focus on whatever you need to focus on, and shift your attention away from that tiny little thing. Focus on the mind, not on the body. Your leg might feel numb, but don't worry too much about it.

To me that is partial separation.

I haven't attend a Hindu camp before, but in Hinduism, this world is simply an "illusion" as they are merely temporal. I can't say more as to how the inner workings are, but some things I would like to note of perhaps (just perhaps) why this philosophy is appealing.

It is a mix of acceptance and denial of what is really happening. Pain does not become personal, rather pain happens to something you own - i.e. your body. Losses are much less personal. It is different from a more "personal" type of understanding.

For example:
With an impersonal philosophy, of you lose a pet dog, you tell yourself things like "I should be less attached to these things, pets are temporal, things come and go"
With a more personal type of philosophy, you would wonder if you would see your dog in heaven, and want to cherish the times you had together.

That is the impersonal philosophy, of course there is also the personal one. Loss is your loss. Pain is very real, such that you take it personally.

This personal philosophy is probably more natural to us. When we are cheated, we don't normally say that "The other person (who cheated) is not enlightened yet", we just simply feel betrayal. We feel hurt, we feel angry, and we feel sad - because the act commited against you was a personal act, and a relationship was severed.

People who takes things more personally generally feel more enthusiasm and sadness, while people who are less personal tend to feel less in every way.

People who takes things more personally are much more controlled and affected by the gains and losses of the present, while people who are less personal seem to set their minds of some ideal whether or not it is obtainable.

As you all would know me as a Christian, and perhaps you might be thinking I will be categorizing Christianity somewhere in the middle to make it looks very "balanced" to win it all by getting the best of both sides - I won't.

Firstly, I still struggle with this personal-impersonal thing, I wanted to brush it off as some mere personality issue. Much like how some people are task oriented and some people are more people-oriented. I don't think that the entire human understanding of the universe can be summed up in 2 simple categories.

Secondly, I don't think the Bible explains humans that way. While sometimes we are treated more like individuals, but because our bond with each other is somewhat so tightly knit and our fate has so much similarities, we are often addressed as a group. This is not some 50% personal 50% impersonal thing, but rather a 100% of both, which probably only makes sense philosophically and looks like nonsense mathematically.

Thirdly, I have read how some Christians who are in the "personality test" business try to fit Jesus into all the categories - and make him some uber-balanced man. In the DISC profiling, Jesus is All D, all I, all S, and all C. In the Carl Jung's test, Jesus is the "middle" perfect man - as though Jesus answered some personality test questions, and the scores show Him as some superman. God is Love, God is Holy, God is righteous. If Christians are to measure themselves, it should be along these lines. In the Bible, Paul is more argumentative, John is gentle, James is harsh, Luke goes into details, Peter is too blunt - Yet God's plan for them is not to make them into all robots, but rather making themselves who they fully are - just like Jesus.

I sometimes entertain ideas that all Christian should look like some finished product that is 23% gentle, 30% argumentative, 50% this and 12% that. This type of understanding which seems to prove as though we already know so much about humanity, categorizing them into nice compartments - I think it is a simplistic understanding of humanity at best.

But surely I must think a certain way to function - I can't just refuse to commit to belief and live. I don't quite think I will achieve some "divine balance" anytime soon, but I know I will be like Jesus one day, holy, righteous, and loving - and all these things will fade away, or perhaps they will fall into place.

There will be variety in heaven, and whatever that variety looks like, God will make sure it is a variety of perfection and goodness. Until then, my heart is not over troubled to search for answers as such, although me in the current illness of my mind has suddenly taken a greater interest in pointless blogging.

Struggling Thoughts

This post is not designed with some persuasive flow of argument in mind. It is just that i have been thinking about this issue for a long while, and I will lay down the basic inference. It is designed mainly to just vent out some anger in a non-complaining way, a jotting down of thoughts, personal in nature, and written with a heavy heart. Here goes:

A Christian should value things differently from the world, and have little interest in things that are worldly. The interest that he/she should have in worldly things is only for the sake of being culturally relevant such that the gospel can be preached. While some of us are brought up and are fed with likings for certain things - like football, cars, computer games, shopping (which means a whole list of things like shoes, clothes, etc) - a Christian should not nurture these desires.

Now I think this is a hard one to defend.

1. Because there are just so many people who like obsessively the things I just typed about.
2. Because the things are meant to be neutral in nature.
3. Because it seems that if you have little desire for these things you are going to be like some hermit who should really be living in a cave or some mountain peak where people climb miles up to see you for zen-like one liner wisdom
4. Because there will be a struggle to draw the line between legalism and genuine sincere desires
5. Because humans are generally sinful, we tend to take neutral things and use it self-centeredly

Laying down those ideas, add to the list if you like in the comments - but what I am not saying is that:
1. Things are bad and it is wicked to enjoy a good meal
2. We should detach ourselves from the world like many religious figures do
3. We should follow rules for the sake of feeling superior to others
4. We will become perfect by our own effort if we just "tried hard enough"

I will share with you why I am thinking about this in the first place:

Many Christians look exactly like non-Christians. Spend money like non-Christians, stay up late to watch football and miss church the next day, greatest goal in life is to get healthy-wealthy-rich and somehow donate enough money or do enough charity work such that they feel that they have contributed their part to society + silenced their conscience. Christians not knowing their Bible just like an average non-Christian, not sharing their faith since they don't know what it is anyway, etc.

I will tell why it matters:

Because this earth is not our home - we have heaven as our aim. We are meant to be responsible stewards of resources: time, energy, money, desires, things. When my priorities do not reflect heaven as my aim, then I am not being loving to others and will deny the gospel with my behaviour however vehemently I may proclaim it with my lips (which is also pretty hard to do when we know we are bad testimony).

2 results of that is:

1. God is not No.1 and honored in our lives as seen in our priorities.
2. We are giving a bad name to Jesus when we call ourselves Christians - tell others that God is Glorious when we spend everything to make ourselves glorious

If you can connect the points, yes I am saying that:

Our practice reveals our priorities, and our priorities reveal our beliefs. If we claim to believe 1 thing, and we practice another, we are just being hypocrites. The damage is not limited to ourselves - it says something about God, and it is told to many people who already have no fear of God in their lives.

Compared to another Christian, I tend to take it to the extreme. I do not think it is the extreme, but I think I can agree with them to disagree on this point. I really do think that the major portion of time that a Christian have should be used to extend the gospel.

Being contented with just getting a "ticket to heaven" is terribly misleading and misses the whole point of being a Christian. I just gotta do my part in following Jesus and encouraging other brothers in the journey, while drawing the rest of the crowd to the attention of their ugly fate - in hope that they may realize that we are all wicked sinners, who don't deserve heaven and have a judgment waiting for us.

Think

1. Think with a purpose of knowing
Playing with ideas when you are not going to commit to will fill you with hot air and make you stupid

2. Think both ways
Argue with yourself and try winning against yourself - you feel better being merciless to yourself rather than having someone else doing it

3. Think with a possibility of failure
Anything can fail - trusting motivational speakers that tell you that you will surely succeed goes against simple logic

4. Think with desire
Point 1 was more of a desire issue rather than a discipline issue.

5. Think about a person
You are not who you think you are, but who you think - you are

6. Think until it hurts
Not very convincing, but you are really more stupid than who you ought to be. If you don't like the demotivating tone: You can always do better. No pain, no gain. Some of us think no pain = great gain. Not true. But yes, not all pain is gain.

7. Think reflectively
Don't just think about ideas "out there", but how whatever that is "out there" would imply consequences to you

There are wonderful things about thinking:

7. You think who you are - I should really make this clear. A good tree bears good fruit, a bad tree bears bad fruit. You know a tree by it's fruit. A good tree doesn't bear bad fruit, neither does a bad tree bear good fruit. As you examine the thoughts that goes through your head, they tell a lot about who you are. When you continually think hateful thoughts, and find yourself suppressing those thoughts. You know you are pretty rotten inside and you are really trying to fix things. Or perhaps, not trying to fix things - but still coming up with a pretty smile.

6. Scientifically, the more you think - the better you get at it. Part of it is a matter of skill, a big part of it is something about your brain forming connections which then allows you to think even faster.

5. One of the reason we promote self-centered-ness, self-love, and self-whatever, is because we always think about ourselves, and really, there ain't much good stuff in us, and we get pretty good at being ourselves. Sometimes that is good, sometimes - not so good.

4. It would be very boring to have no desire. Desire fuels thoughts, and thought kindles desires. Don't you remember lying on your bed and dreaming about your crush? In your mind, he/she just gets better and more beautiful, and the harshest word they say somehow become saintly. And before you knew it, you became more in love, and you think about him/her more - and the cycle repeats.

3. Pride hinders thinking. When you don't allow the possibility of failure - you don't quite get past certain thoughts, which might be easily solved if you just took another approach. When thinking, taking oneself too seriously (which in scientific language, refusing to admit that you just started off with the wrong inference) can be one of the most idiotic thing to do.

2. You get pretty prepared for arguments. Prolonged arguments in the mind can make you pretty sharp, such that you can smell a lie a mile away. (ah! that rhymes!) It is losing arguments in practice. Better to win yourself than let somebody win you - chances are you will hate admitting the other person is really smarter and got it all right.

1. Thinking this way develops some measure of integrity. (I admit, integrity is "heart" issue, but bad thinking fuels twisted logic). Twisted logic will undo and mislead you at every point of thought, as you would be so heavily biased in a not-so-good way.

The numbers match. They are supposed to relate.

Happy thinking.


(I won't condemn it, but I don't support thinking for fun. Thinking for fun promotes making fun the highest objective for thinking. I support thinking for joy, because joy springs from truth and love - and a person will have to think truthfully and loving to get happy. Its hard to think of a lie - an unloving lie, get convinced and really be happy)

Because I Really Love You

I can't remember how many posts I have written about thinking of death. I can't remember how many friendships I have that I have intentionally steer conversations toward Jesus. I can't remember how many blog posts I have typed to introduce Jesus.

Why am I doing these?
Doesn't it look like I am using friendships for certain purposes other than friendship?

I love my friends.

Some I have not seen in a long while, some I see regularly.
Some I have wronged and we never reconciled, some have not known me long enough for me to wrong them.

There are friendships that I would wish very much would last into eternity, there is so much to discover about one another. I am very fascinated about how we get motivated, how we love, why we hate, why we devote our time to certain things, what happened the last time you didn't want to talk with me, what made in all nice again, how we grew up to be ourselves today.

Yet, death limits me. I don't have all the time in the world. There are people that I want to treat well in special ways, yet one appointment after another drives me around, the demands of work, the limitation of finance, the fact that we all have to spend hours to sleep everyday just prevents me from doing this.

In the end, not everybody gets the attention that they deserve; while people are treated as friends, they can only take up such a small part in our lives.

Somewhere along the line, I am thinking: If I want to meet all of these people, I will need eternity on my side - which is one of the few reasons I want to tell them about Jesus.

Shame has caused me to reveal only parts of myself, and embarrassment has prevented me from knowing my friend in a deeper way. Insecurity stains humanity - for legitimate reasons. I long for the day when we can understand each other fully and clearly, and to appreciate all the good things there are.

But on this side of heaven, these things cannot be so. Should there be no life eternal where wickedness and sorrow would pass away - earth is the closest anybody can get to paradise. In one lifetime, one marked by sin and shame, I ache at the fact that there will be people I will never get to know heart to heart. Some have taken on themselves the quest to create Utopia on earth, where there would be peace - I cannot wait till that day. It doesn't look like there are enough people doing that, and it doesn't look like things are moving in that direction either.

This is one of the few reasons why people need to hear about Jesus.

Even some of my friends who has considered me an enemy - I would desire reconciliation, I would desire forgiveness, I desire the friendship - but this cannot be. The brevity of life has driven us deep into instant gratification.

"I want pleasure for myself now!" for we do not know how long we will live, and the future looks bleak. The best things we can get for ourselves comforts us only for a moment, we have learnt not to have unrealistic expectations. We all learn to expect "death" to have the final say over all relationships. Of course, "death" is more real than life. Nobody is guaranteed to live, but all are destined to die once.

This is why I can't help but point my friends and foe alike to Jesus. We have been born into a mess, and we can't seem to stop contributing to all the hurt and pain - and our efforts to repair anything is futile.

I have become convinced that Jesus Christ dying on the Cross and resurrected as the Lord of All as truth. I have become convinced that God is love, mankind has sinned against God, God will judge all mankind - some to eternal condemnation, some to eternal life, Jesus Christ has died on our behalf to pay the penalty of our sin against God - Therefore my trust is in God, and my hope is in Heaven.

There are things I desire, that no man can give. Can one man define another man's worth? Is there anything in the world that can be equaled to the value of another person? By the greatness of another I am honored to be acquainted with them. But who is that great? We are pretty much the same deep down inside.

If there is one relationship I must restore, it is the relationship with my Maker. I know my Maker will fix all things according to His promise. He will make all things new. He will restore the relationships of His people to Himself - and them to one another.

I don't want to sound religious, but unless we all get ourselves fixed by Jesus, we will remain in conflict with everything, until death ends it all for good.

I look forward to the day in heaven where I will be perfected, when my life will not be marked by shame and secrets and wickedness - and I shall relate to God and to man freely. Where my joy will be simple like a baby's laughter - where all things are made new.

I desire that all my friends (and many others whom I have not yet met) come to know the truth: God is love, we have sinned, Christ has saved, so we trust. Or else, what else have we to look forward to?

Some among us think we are good enough for heaven. How can that be true - when out of 6 billion people in the world, we become convinced that we are the most important person among them?

Some of us think that God will not judge. How can that be true - that the Creator of the Beautiful Universe and the Lover of our souls would pervert justice and let the guilty go un-condemned?

Some of us think that Jesus is just a great man - How can that be true - that when God loves us so greatly that He gave us Himself as a ransom for our sins, is reduced to a morally upright teacher?

Some of us prefer to live our lives miserably until we die in hope that tomorrow will somehow be better. How can that be true - have we not been acquainted the brevity of the joys and the sadness on earth, that is so fleeting.

If i have to die, if I have to go broke, if I have to endure shame - what is that compared to an assurance of love, righteousness, peace, and joy in the presence of God our Maker and the company of all who love Him and one another?

The message of Christianity is simple. The link below is a 10 minute presentation of what the heart of Christianity is about.

V-day

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for dying on the Cross. Just as you reign over all universe, reign in our lives too. Happy Valentines.

Your Church

Hypocrisy

The same person who says,

"There is so much wrong in the government"
"He is right, she is wrong"
"Something should be done about this"
"The government is stupid"
"These people are so corrupt"

is the person who tells their children

"If you find a good opportunity, go somewhere else"

who would, provided the compensation was good enough - would not mind bribery and corruption.

This is mankind. Doesn't anybody see that we are sinfully and totally depraved?
(The finger pointing business proves my point)

Jehovah's Witness, Moron-ism, and Tom Cruise

Finally, some disillusioned slaves knock on my door this morning! The last time they were Westerners (although not quite handsome), this time they are Japanese!

About 5 years ago, 2 Mormons pressed the bell and wanted to share Jesus with me. I got them in, and got my first copy of a Mormon Bible.

Just in case some of us do not know what Mormons (and Jehovah Witnesses) are, mainstream Christianity consider them cults. They use a different Bible than us, they believe different things, whatever team they are in, they are not in the "Christian" team. But of course, they would deny that - and the idiocy fuels the argument. It is true, I think Einstein or Edison said this :

"There are limits for a genius, but stupidity knows no bounds!"

You will get what I mean when you actually read their books. I should have kept it and read the Mormon Bible and find out what other jokes they believe in. I mean, come on!

What kind of religion has an angel called "MORONI"?

and here is another one, "Jesus was Satan's brother"

or this is real classical one, " Jesus went to America after He resurrected in the Middle East! there He told us the TRUTH!"

I am like - What? Is this serious? People actually believe that?

I mean, I thought America was already privileged with UFOs and superheros, it seems that meteors always ONLY strike America and America gets to save the world... but now even Jesus goes there.

What about Malaysia? What do we have? Orang Minyak and Toyol and ISA?

The founder of Mormonism - Joseph Smith is considered a martyr because he died in a gun fight. I thought Atheism was already absurd, but these people has taken it to new heights.

And Jehovah's Witnesses - you wonder if they went to school. They get the Bible, start editing parts they don't like - recreate a new Bible, and then use it to argue with you. Then when you come to a point in which they feel disadvantaged, they say:

"IT IS A METAPHOR!"

Then when they get to a point they have an advantage,

"THIS IS TRUTH!"

But if I just told them to read the whole sentence where they take their word from, they go

"The first part I said about was REALITY, the other (same word you chose at the second half of the sentence) was a METAPHOR"

Althought I dont have Scientologists knocking my doors, but who would have ever imagined that humans are biological blobs possessed with spirit prisoners from the planet of Xenu about 75 million years ago? i'm not even making this up! Go google it up.

Without Sci-fi writers who start religions and celebrities like Tom Cruise to believe them, life would be so meaningless!

It all just brings to mind how God mocks idol worshipers in the book of Isaiah, Isaiah 44:12-18

12 The blacksmith takes a tool
and works with it in the coals;
he shapes an idol with hammers,
he forges it with the might of his arm.
He gets hungry and loses his strength;
he drinks no water and grows faint.

13 The carpenter measures with a line
and makes an outline with a marker;
he roughs it out with chisels
and marks it with compasses.
He shapes it in the form of man,
of man in all his glory,
that it may dwell in a shrine.

14 He cut down cedars,
or perhaps took a cypress or oak.
He let it grow among the trees of the forest,
or planted a pine, and the rain made it grow.

15 It is man's fuel for burning;
some of it he takes and warms himself,
he kindles a fire and bakes bread.
But he also fashions a god and worships it;
he makes an idol and bows down to it.

16 Half of the wood he burns in the fire;
over it he prepares his meal,
he roasts his meat and eats his fill.
He also warms himself and says,
"Ah! I am warm; I see the fire."

17 From the rest he makes a god, his idol;
he bows down to it and worships.
He prays to it and says,
"Save me; you are my god."

18 They know nothing, they understand nothing;
their eyes are plastered over so they cannot see,
and their minds closed so they cannot understand.

It takes a genius to figure out which half was firewood and which half was God

=__=

Polycarp

Some bloggers admit that the things they usually type aren't always the most interesting things in the world. As for others, they have yet to repent of their lying.

Bloggers just do what they do - commenting about every crap under the sun: about God, about politics, about how to run the world in a better way - walking the talk by spending most of their time saving the World (of Warcraft).

Not to leave out the other group: How we spend our time taking picture of food, food+myself, shirt, shirt+myself, myself, myself (in acting cute mode) and FINALLY ...the supposedly candid shot of myself.

But I really think what I type makes a difference. I went to university and played enough Diablo and Dotato know what it takes to form a strategy and save the world.

God save the bloggers.

Polycarp (not Poly-Crap: all you world-changing bloggers) was a Christian martyr who lived about 69 A.D. to 155 A.D. This means that he was killed because he believes in Jesus Christ. He also lived just a few decades after the death and resurrection of Jesus. Below is an account of the process of his martyrdom (full article is found here), after being betrayed by a servant:

Then, the proconsul urging him, and saying, Swear, and I will set you at liberty, reproach Christ; Polycarp declared,

Eighty and six years have I served Him, and He never did me any injury: how then can I blaspheme my King and my Saviour?

And when the proconsul yet again pressed him, and said, Swear by the fortune of Caesar, he answered,

Since you are vainly urgent that, as you say, I should swear by the fortune of Caesar, and pretend not to know who and what I am, hear me declare with boldness, I am a Christian. And if you wish to learn what the doctrines of Christianity are, appoint me a day, and you shall hear them.

The proconsul replied, Persuade the people. But Polycarp said,

To you I have thought it right to offer an account [of my faith]; for we are taught to give all due honor (which entails no injury upon ourselves) to the powers and authorities which are ordained of God. But as for these, I do not deem them worthy of receiving any account from me.

The proconsul then said to him, I have wild beasts at hand; to these will I cast you, unless you repent.

But he answered, Call them then, for we are not accustomed to repent of what is good in order to adopt that which is evil; and it is well for me to be changed from what is evil to what is righteous.

But again the proconsul said to him, I will cause you to be consumed by fire, seeing you despise the wild beasts, if you will not repent.

But Polycarp said, You threaten me with fire which burns for an hour, and after a little is extinguished, but are ignorant of the fire of the coming judgment and of eternal punishment, reserved for the ungodly. But why do you tarry? Bring forth what you will.